Overwhelmed, Undertaking, Overly blessed, and Un(der) deserving...some key words that are writ upon my heart and mind as of late.
I'm overwhelmed...With what God chooses to do and is doing around me. For the first time in a while I have been able to look behind me to what God did in the last six months of my life, and also have been able to look ahead to what He has in store. I'm overwhelmed at the extent in which He has and is transforming my heart and life. I'm reading over my three to four hundred pages of typed journal entries over the last eight months and am stunned by what has happened and where God has brought me. To say that His plans are beautifully orchestrated and planned is to in a sense, give God so much injustice. He is worthy of so much more praise than any words can give. I am overwhelmed at the fact that my praise will always be so inadequate to what He deserves. I look and see what He is doing in and with me personally right now and what He is preparing me for, and I am overwhelmed to know in the smallest part what the implications of what He wishes to do will be. That He would choose to do these things...it is not for me by any means. It is solely for His glory.
I'm undertaking...So many different things at the present, yet I feel that I am being lazy. It's a weird thing. I find myself undertaking a new ministry that I haven't had before in my job at the warehouse. God has been so good in providing with that. I find myself undertaking friendships that are different than what I expect. I find myself beginning to undertake a new major and career path. I find myself undertaking the things to which God has entrusted to me to be a good steward of. I am amazed at the girls that God has placed in my life to whom He can minister to through me. I don't understand why me, but I'm not supposed to. One thing remains constant as of late though; the call by God to wait on certain aspects and be patient. I finally understood this clearly tonight. As I was having my date night with Jesus, I was printing out eight months of journal entries. I ran out of ink, and so I went to open the evil Costco packaging with an exacto knife in my room because I was too impatient to go get the scissors out in the living room. So I used my exacto knife to cut it open, and cut away from myself mind you, but my hand was still in the way. Deeply it went in and gushing out it came. My roomies came and helped patch me up. I was annoyed with myself for doing this once again, as it seems I do things like this a lot. Yet God made it clear to me tonight. So often when dealing with a present task, I am so anxious and frantic to get it done so I may move onto the next. This attitude leads me to do things in unorthodox and often, rather stupid ways, when I need to take the little more fraction of a time and do it correctly. I know I am and will continue to be radical, but I must do it in a proper way in which I don't wound myself or others. There is purpose in doing things in the correct order. There is purpose in me stepping away from things a bit this quarter. I need to learn to do things properly, and that is going to take a little bit of extra time. So I am undertaking a new way of walking with Christ than I have before...being diligent, but walking slowly and fully embracing what He has for me.
I am overly blessed...In every way. I look at my life and it's ridiculously blessed. Even in the trials and hard times, the blessings are so present. I am blessed by being here in San Luis Obispo, going to school at the place of my dreams. I am blessed with amazing roommates, who challenge me to grow daily. I am blessed with a wonderful family, in which there is so much love despite many difficult years growing up. I am blessed with incredible friends here, one of whom has come to be so dear to me. The dates we have on Tuesday nights watching Gilmore Girls and pouring out our hearts has been a a sign of her constant encouragement and extreme blessing in my life. I am so blessed with a man who loves and accepts me unconditionally, showing Christ to me in every way. That God would choose to give me to such a man is incredible...and I can thoroughly and honestly say that there are so few blessings that compare to being in love with the love of my life...it's unbelievably good. He is incredible in every way. And today I was also more thoroughly blessed by his sister asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I consider that an extreme honor and amazing gift, for she has blessed me in so many ways. The list can go on and on...but I am so blessed.
Yet I am un(der)deserving...I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve anything. The greatest gift of all is Christ on the Cross taking my place for my sins. I am covered in filth and all sanctification is done by Him. I find this season to be a lesson in humility more than ever before, in the fact that I feel I have nothing to offer, yet Christ still works in and through me. The humility hasn't been an easy lesson and never will be, but I love the place I am in now: knowing that nothing is of me, and everything is of Him. I come to the realization that He does nothing solely for me, it is all for His glory. Oh that I may always be a temple for Him to be displayed! That what people are drawn to will always be Him and not me! Everything is of Him and nothing is of me. If any good is seen in me, it is Christ. I am a fragile jar of clay, easily pressed and broken, but He is the kiln, the refining fire who makes me firm in Him. He is my strength, He is my God, and He is my praise.
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