The Third in the Grand Scheme of Things

There have been times as of late I have wanted to sit down and write about what God is doing in my life and in the grand scheme of things, but it hasn’t happened yet. I feel a scribe in many ways, and with that comes the inclination to want to write and explain everything in its fullness, at least to the understanding that God gives me. In that, I think I have been waiting for this story to come into a package of sorts that I can write about from start to present. But I can’t! Even if I were to have hours or days to write, the story keeps on being written upon itself. And so I come tonight knowing that this is not the full package or story. I can’t write all the details of what has happened in this journey, at least not in this time. But there are steps along the way that God continues to bring, and those I am compelled to share.

It was raining all day yesterday. After our weekly Crusade meeting, I decided to walk back to John’s house alone in the rain to simply commune with God. I am rarely spontaneous anymore, and in that, I believe I often miss what God could give me in those moments. It was a beautiful rain. I went inside and picked up my stuff and proceeded back to the front porch where I awaited my ride home. It didn’t come for over half an hour. God was so good to grant that time that I may be with Him in His presence, being still and allowing Him to do and speak as He willed.

I started praying, and I was tired. I know the weaknesses of my flesh and its need for sleep, and so often in those times I elect to stop thinking or doing, mostly out of self-preservation I have been realizing. But as I sat there last night, I remembered that it is in those times that I am fully in the raw. My flesh is weak, my guard is down, and the thoughts I so often allow to govern the day cease. It is a position of vulnerability that allows a meeting with the true God if I allow Him to do so. And that was one of my early prayers last night. He surely answered…
I was back and forth on going to Crusade last night. My ears have been ringing terribly the last couple of days, leaving me not hearing much actual noise and pretty exhausted. I didn’t think I would understand much or be able to focus well. Yet as I discussed it with John, he encouraged me to go. I am so thankful for the Spirit’s leading through him, as he heeds it and understands it well. So I went. It was Elise T’s birthday and it was good to be with her. As for the message though? I didn’t get much out of it, not because there wasn't much there, but because I couldn't focus. Tim Fox, one of our interns, spoke last night. He spoke on the end of Mark 10 (vs 35-52), which is two different accounts; one being James and John arguing about who got to sit on the right and left sides of Jesus, and coming to the point where Jesus humbles them through many statements, one being “the Son of man did not come to be served but to serve, and be a ransom to many.” The next part was the healing of Bartimaeus, a blind man. I was a bit puzzled as to why Tim continued onto this part, as the two accounts didn’t exactly flow together in my opinion. But God opened my eyes to that scripture, and I pondered it for the rest of the time…

On John’s porch I asked God the significance of that passage being spoken that night. The answer I received is that it is the next of the main passages He has given me in this journey of knowing, asking, and receiving not just the gift of healing of my ears, but an intimate one in learning to be fully surrendered to Him and knowing Him like no other. And as I pondered that passage, I found myself in utter amazement, awe, and praise at what God had just given me. This is the third main passage in the last two years, each directly speaking and leading me in this journey of faith I continue to walk…

The first was John 9, given to me just over 2 years ago to this day. This account of a boy born blind brought me into the full realization that it was God’s will to heal me. For about 2 months up until when that passage was given to me, I was wrestling with the path God was leading me on. It had mainly to do with my perception of how God has used my hearing loss throughout my entire life. He has truly made His strength perfect in my weakness, and through that, brought glory to Himself. I wrestled with the question if my hearing loss were to be taken away, wouldn’t God be taking away the glory from Himself, or contradicting it? The opening three verses of John 9 spoke nearer to my heart that night than I remembered words ever speaking before, as I found my answer. Jesus and his disciples were walking along the road when they came across the boy. The disciples asked Him, “why was this boy born blind? Was it a result of sin in his life or his parents?” Jesus answered them, “it was not a result of either; rather, it is so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” I then knew that it truly was God’s will to heal me and the answer to that question was that there has been a purpose for both: the hearing loss has been for His glory, and the taking away of it is also. Both have been for the purpose of God’s work being displayed in my life.

The next was Mark 7:31-37, the account of a deaf and mute man. This was given to me last October. I largely identified with the boy born blind for a long time, but the transition was made with this passage. The people within the region of Decapolis brought to Jesus a man who was deaf and spoke with difficulty. They asked Jesus to lay hands on him. Jesus took him away from the crowd and put His hands on his face, a truly intimate encounter. He put His hands in the man’s ears and touched his tongue, and with a sigh looking up to Heaven, he cried Ephphatha, which means ‘be opened.’ The man then both heard and spoke clearly, and they went back into the crowd. I was taken aback by this passage because I had never found an account of a healing of a deaf person in the bible, and not just one deaf, but one with a speech impediment as well. He fits my disabilities to the “t.” In a time in which God had begun the healing process of starting to open up my ears, He brought me this passage to remember that it is an intimate encounter with Him. I was to allow Him to take me away from the crowd, and I was to look into His face, truly believe, and receive. It was not a moment in which anyone else was to be involved, only me and Him. There is such a powerful command in Ephphatha, and it urged me to be praying that myself. In January, I took out my last hearing aid, and God has been doing a tremendous process in healing my ears. Yet more so, He has been doing a tremendous process in me truly looking in His eyes, trusting Him, and receiving whatever it is He has for me. It has been a journey of love, obedience, silence, and intimacy, and still continues to be.

And then last night was Mark 10, Bartimaeus being blind and crying out to Jesus. 46 Then they came to Jericho. And as He was leaving Jericho with His disciples and a large crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the road. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus the Nazarene, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48 Many were sternly telling him to be quiet, but he kept crying out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49 And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him here." So they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take courage, stand up! He is calling for you." 50 Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped up and came to Jesus. 51 And answering him, Jesus said, "What do you want Me to do for you?" And the blind man said to Him, "Rabboni, I want to regain my sight!" 52 And Jesus said to him, "Go; your faith has made you well." Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road.”

Bartimaeus knew Jesus. Let me say it again, Bartimaeus knew Jesus. He knew Jesus was there, and began to cry out to Him. Even in the midst of the people around him dissuading him from doing so, he continued to cry out until Jesus called him. According to his faith, Jesus made him well. The reason why I say Bartimaeus knew Jesus is because there was no hesitation to cry out to Him because he understood what Jesus could give. He was fully aware of His power to heal him, and persisted until Jesus did such a thing.

How much it speaks to my heart now. If I had to take away just one thing from this entire journey I have been on thus far, I would not take away the fact that I have heard music in ways I never have before, or people’s voices without aid, or really anything to do with my healing in that aspect. Rather, I would say I have come to know my Lord. I am no longer fighting His piercing gaze into my eyes asking me to look into His. There’s a change He’s been doing in my heart in delighting to do His will, to serve and obey no matter the cost. That’s what I would take away: I know Jesus.

And just like Bartimaeus, I will continue to cry out to my Lord. There are those that dissuade me because they probably think I am either making a fool of myself or am just dreaming, or it’s causing them to be uncomfortable. But no matter. I know my Lord. I know what He has said and what He continues to bring about. And I will cry out to Him all the day long until he calls me and restores my hearing in its fullness. It is not an action understood in our culture or even among believers who walk with Him. But I know my Lord. And I know He has given me the gift of a radical and undying faith. And I know it’s seldom understood, but there have to be some in this day and age that are willing to be wholly obedient and surrendered to His will for this generation and age, and I humbly walk into that. There is nothing more that I desire than for God to make Himself known to the people of this world, to those who are perishing and dying, or even to those who have fallen asleep or are still sleeping. I cry that they may they know the name of God as I AM WHO I AM, his name forever, and his memorial name to all generations (Exodus 3:14-15). And with that, so may it be with me. May He do with me as He will, to make Himself known to a world sleeping, dying, and perishing.

A Good God...

On the sunset train ride from LA back to SLO...

Urban Landscape

While in Phoenix for Spring Break, my parents and I ventured downtown to a museum. The route that we took to get us there took us through the outskirts of downtown before we reached the middle of the city. I can't fully describe what captivated me there, but it was enough that my mom and I ventured back so that I could take pictures of some of the things I saw. Having some time to meditate upon the experience today, these are the words that came forth.

Shattered Glass. Boarded windows.
Graffitied walls. Abandoned rooms.
The hush of silence. The remembrance of despair.
This is all that's left in a place left to wallow in its remains.
Broken dreams. Neglected lives.
Lack of hope. Crying for love.
The ringing of emptiness. The echo of stillness.
This is all that's left in the lives left to wallow in their pain,


Stories are left untold but their legacies are preserved within the walls
Physical presence of people has ceased but their spirits live on
For such a place has carved out their destinies
From brighter days ahead or an even bleaker dawn
Their faces play on like a slideshow never seen but fully known
Beckoning one to forget but crying out to be seen
For too often these faces are the picture of an urban landscape
Fully real human lives that we choose not to know

And all that's left with any form of life
Proves to be a child's swing swaying in the breeze
Abandoned behind barbed wire fences
Living in the midst of growing weeds
This is the breath of life in a place of death
A shining light in the face of neglect
The chains jingle like a voice speaking in the city
To open one's eyes, fully absorb, and to never forget

This is the urban landscape hardly acknowledged but commonly seen
An uncomfortable presence but a known reality
We choose to ignore the voices and look past what remains
For we deem the price to be changed one too heavy to pay
Yet as long and as hard as we try to escape
These lives will still remain at the end of the day
Dare we to break the common barriers existing
And venture to change this urban landscape?

Sovereign God Revisited

This is part of my journal entry written on a drive back to Phoenix from Sedona, Arizona. My words haven't been aplenty this week, and they are not coming in many different forms such as journal, blog, emails, so on and so forth. Perhaps there's a transparency God is bringing me to expose, and thus, in that, I choose to include this on my blog. Maybe it's nothing complex or profound, but it's a simple truth revisited in a new way in my life, a simple truth that I must cling to. Therefore, Sovereign God Revisited.

I’m looking out at the landscape right now and at this time, it’s very hilly, rocky, and green. We are about to descend into the desert of Phoenix. Lord, it has been so beautiful today. I love seeing new places because it reminds me of the diversity and vastness of You; it is not confined to my little bubble of a world I live in.

I have long been an adventurer to one degree or another. My family has always traveled quite a deal, and because of that, I have seen a great deal of landscape and places in the United States. Yet at times in the adventures, I can clam up, uncertain of what is to come next, because for whatever reason, the safety and comfort I had previously had in the situation vanished. That thought is striking me strongly now, as I think perhaps that has been the realization and struggle of this week.

I’ve been reading The Dangerous Act of Worship and one part speaks about the safety in which we would like to have, but as we pursue You, it becomes less and less in the forms we are so accustomed to. And I would have to agree. The scenery, situations, people, dynamics, so on and so forth, are ever changing, and there is very little constant. Something that has been pressed upon my mind and heart over the last several months is that You are a sovereign God over all circumstance. I think I’ve been realizing that has become a mantra of sorts for me, and I believe it wholeheartedly most of the time. However, as mantras can become normal and commonplace, I think perhaps that has happened with me. There was a drastic change this week in being back with my parents and away from everything familiar. Though in my head I knew the importance and significance of this week, I allowed Satan to intimidate me with it and forgot to let the fact that You are fully sovereign over circumstance rule my heart. I wrote last week about how I believe You are bringing me and others to a time and place of learning what faith is in the things unseen, especially in regards to my hearing loss. I didn’t realize what a tough lesson that would be for me. Elise spoke so much wisdom in her statement that several months ago, we had no idea I’d be in this position I am in. That is so true my Lord. Where I fail to see progress in my immediate situation, I forget the progress that has happened since, the progress that has gone before in order to bring me where I am now. I forget the ebbing motion of the ocean in that there are times in which the waves crash hard on the shore, and there are other times in which the water seems to gently flow to your feet. Regardless of the force and strength, it is always moving, just as You are.

John reminded me of the importance of being still, and I’ve been thinking about that as well. I realize in my own efforts of moving, I can’t have an accurate view of Yours because I do not move at Your pace on my own. It’s like two people dancing with one another, each to a different dance, but each doesn’t know the other person’s dance. They keep moving to their own, trying to figure out the others, but it just doesn’t work that way. One must stop and observe and see the steps of the other, in order that they may move together. There’s not many greater feelings than two people dancing together in harmony, moving to the music and with one another. And in my life Lord, You are my leader, and I must stop and dance to Your steps. When I do so, I find a beauty unspeakable because I see the world through Your eyes, through Your steps, in Your time.

There hasn’t been a lot of thought as to next quarter and what that holds. And perhaps in thinking that there needed to be, I was falling into an old pattern that I am not to return to, at least not in this time. So much of this year has been the day to day, moment to moment, all orchestrated in Your grand scheme of things. That won’t change. You know my tendency for control and how it is far more valuable to me to simply be and trust, living in the Spirit and discerning accordingly. It surely gives You much more room to move, because even in the thinking about a new quarter what it will bring, dreaming You to do the grandest things of all, it still puts You in a box. Lord, we only know and see in part, and as long as we are here on this earth, that fact will not change. Instead of being at unrest every time we do not know or understand what is going on, we should accept it, because it is simply a known reality in an unknown world. Our comfort comes from You alone being sovereign over all, regardless of what is happening. We set our hope on You alone, not on circumstance. In the circumstances surrounding us, we must remember that.

So for now, I will fully be in the moment as You have dictated me to be. I actually have that blessing this week, and I think it is one I need to take accordingly. So often I have to be planning and thinking ahead, but I don’t right now. I will let it rest. I will continue to trust in You, my sovereign God, over all things and all circumstance.

Things Unseen

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1

May this be true to my heart regardless of any circumstance...

My Heavenly

I found the lyrics to this song in one of my journal entries from earlier this quarter. I have listened to it many times since, and it has been putting something into words that I have been unable to as of late. What that is, I don't exactly know, but here they are. I'd encourage you to listen to the song as well, because the way it is done is simply beautiful. Unlike many songs I have heard before. Perhaps that's part of the reason it speaks to me so much, because it is a new sound in a new time...More to come on that soon.

Let the wind fall wild across my path
Even though we barely move, there's no turning back
There is a river, there is a road, place of holy riches untold
It's where I'm supposed to be... my heavenly

I know it never feels right to let go of the safety we're used to holding so tight
But there's a lion underneath these skies
Though love cries, love will rise... my, my, my heavenly

So fly me higher, higher, hope fill me, keep me here
Love lion, my, my...

So when I'm lonely or when I'm old, life is more behind me
All the stories have been told
I can fix my gaze up through the clouds
Where I'm gonna be, where I'm gonna be... my heavenly
My, my heavenly
My heavenly

from Who We Are Instead, by Jars of Clay

The Question of "What if?"

I'm not going to say that "what if..." is a bad question to be asked. But I think I've realized over the past couple of days that it's a question that needs to be carefully discerned and asked only for the benefit of a situation. "What if" is often a thought pattern that implores all possibilities and is subject to the constantly changing, fleeting nature of this world. I think before "what if" is asked, we need to ask the question, "what do we know?" I know that God is unchanging in a constantly changing world. I know that God is faithful to His word. I know that God will never fail to be less than Himself in every way. And that's all I truly need to know to keep me going.

I am one to love the question "what if" as I am a strategizer and like to plan. However, I need to carefully discern when I ask that question that it is asked in my own benefit and in others. So often those "what if" thoughts and questions I entertain never come to be. On the other side of it, sometimes being asked "what if" can be a tricky position to be in. I'm thankful for the ways in which it challenges my faith because it requires me to give an answer for the hope that I have. I do pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ would discern the best time and place to ask these questions for the benefit of everyone involved...

On the last note, let us always probe the mysteries of the triune Godhead! Let us devote ourselves to that mystery and allow Himself to reveal things we do not see at the present. Let us seek Him and His will and ask in accordance to that. Those are much more beneficial and have much more sustenance than any fleeting "what if" thoughts can bear.

The Mark

Cold and alone, foreign and unknown
These seem to be the lives we have known
Stumbling and falling, crying and calling
Into the dark where no one hears or sees
Holding so tight, scared in the night
We held the pieces of our lives
Until our own grip caused it all to fall apart
We were left to pick up the pieces
Stumbling before we ever knew where to start

What is it about the mark we all seem to think we bear
It’s like the scarlet letter branded for all to see
It’s been bonded so deep into our hearts and minds
Scarred for life, that we see no way of being set free
We hold our lives like we grip the edges of glass
And all we have to show are the scars it leaves
Our own blood we spill, and a trail of shards

And it all falls apart…

We lay on the floor surrounded by our tears of despair
The strength to pick ourselves up once again is no longer there
In the midst of tattered clothes, lives, and dreams
The scarlet letter remains branded upon the breast

Until the unthinkable happens next…

It was like looking in a mirror and seeing ourselves covered with blood
The scarlet letter had covered us from head to toe
And as quickly as it came, so quickly it went away
Upon the face and hands of One we seemed to know
He had taken the mark of shame upon Himself
And had washed us white as snow

Learning to walk, beginning to talk
Gaining strength to stand in the midst of the fall
Finding healing in places, drinking of His graces
Experiencing the life of the redeemed
By the mark of His name, we no longer bear shame
of the scarlet letter we always knew
Eyes to look around, ears to hear the sound
Of the One who’s always been calling
The One once familiar now becomes our Savior
Finding Him endless in power and in grace
And looking into the mirror, we begin to see Him face to face

This is the One whom we have been destined to know

Remembering the Attributes of God

Felt led to post journal from tonight...may it bless you as it did me.

Dear Lord,

I praise You for this day though it has been an interesting one. I’m reminded so much of where the attitude and practice of thanksgiving comes into play and how it affects my view upon things. I think so often I forget that thanksgiving needs to not be just a time, but an attitude of life. The tide of lessons being learned and refining in the process will always be about, but You are always constant. You are always the same, true to Your character and every aspect about You. I can easily forget that and think that thanksgiving comes in the times when I see You move, or when something good or amazing happens, or when I simply feel like being thankful. In that, I neglect that I have been bought at a price that You didn’t deem too heavy to pay, and because of that I am constantly in Your arms. That alone is more than enough to be thankful for.

I think that in the times of this steadiness and resilient faith You have been bringing me through as of late, I tend to forget. I tend to forget that I can shout for joy or weep. I tend to forget that I can stand to lift my hands up high to You or bow down low to kneel at Your feet. I tend to neglect showing emotion when it comes to You, though my heart is so moved inside. I tend to forget that I can respond in the way that comes most natural to me at the given time, because in that, I glorify You by acting according to the way You have created me. I am the work of Your hand, and may I never be ashamed or reserved about that. May every aspect of this personality and heart that You have shown come forth.

I was reminded of that tonight in which we had a time of encouragement at our servant team meeting. I realize that I am very transparent with a smaller number of people, and it’s amazing to see how God uses that. Yet, I feel the call to be transparent with more. We hid under paper bags tonight as we wrote encouragement to one another. May I not hide my light under a paper bag. Lord, it is one thing to boast in myself; it is another to boast in who You are and what You are doing. My life is not my own and the things You are doing in it I must never claim possession of. It’s like this picture I am drawing for class, in which a little girl is holding the tail of a butterfly that is much larger than her. The head of the butterfly becomes a flower and a section of the wing opens up to a view of the ocean. The premise of the drawing is basically how all of creation is connected, though we may not see it or it may not make sense. That being said, I am connected to the people around me in some way or another, regardless of whether I see it or not. But if I don’t see it, let me not neglect what I could share with them, because who knows how You could use it.

I told John tonight that I felt tired and ready for things to come in its fullness; particularly with my hearing. At times I feel weary in the race. In that, I forget simple things. I forget to do what it is that You have asked me to: to listen and surrender. The process of growth of any kind cannot be carried fully or even partially on my own shoulders. I cannot handle the load. But thanks be to You whom I can present my requests to, knowing You hear them full well. And tonight was yet another reminder of that. Tonight I heard louder once again. Today is just one step in the process. This time is a refining of my faith and trust, and facilitates a time in which I can lean upon and love You more than ever before. This time is a process. There are easier days and harder days. But again, You are the constant. Again, You never change. And always, You are faithful, regardless if I choose to recognize it at the present or not.

Lord, may I realize I do not run this race on my own strength or alone. Lord, may I realize that You are faithful to carry me when I grow weary. May I remember that as I wait upon You, You renew my strength. May I remember simply to wait upon you. You will surely carry me in every way until the day I return home and see You face to face. And that is a promise upon which I can surely wait.

Honesty of a Heavy Heart

I write with a heavy heart today with reasons not exactly pinpointed or known. The dark clouds outside that are laden with rain to come seem to magnify this more. The words of Jesus and the song we sung today at church keep running through my mind… “I will trust in the Lord my God, live to sing of unfailing love, everyday my soul will sing, how great this love, how great this love…” … “Even the youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”… “The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...” “See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape him who warns from heaven….the removal of things that are shaken leaves only those things that cannot be shaken.”

And more keeps running through my mind and heart besides these things. Everyday I feel like I should be sitting down for hours and hours to write and understand because there is so much…so much that is happening and that cannot be contained. There is such a stirring in my heart and who I am that continues to consume me. I see the triumphs that God is doing in me while seeing my failings ever so. The magnitude of each overwhelms me. I think perhaps I have been learning to accept God’s strength and grace in the things that He is triumphing in, but I think still I neglect His grace in my failings. I wonder if God is removing those things that can be shaken in order that only what cannot be shaken remains. I have seen Him doing such things in my life for some time now. Yet I think in that process, the things that are unshakable appear to be shaken by Satan in an attempt to pull us down, cause us to doubt, not fully trust.

I wrote my best friend back home an email this week, explaining what God is doing and asking for her wisdom in spiritual attacks I have been severely facing. She replied saying something of the measure that Satan bitterly opposes those who are pure and righteous because our purity in the Lord is so huge and makes us more powerful in the spiritual realms. I don’t know where I stand in the pure and righteous, but I know where I stand in the measure of spiritual attack. My dreams, times in which God would so clearly speak to me and allow me to rest in him, have lately been defiled in every way by Satan. Satan is attacking me the most in the area where my defenses are the weakest. And those things affect me the most. I feel more defeated in those attacks than all the others combined. Because the others, I see where they come from and can easily rebuke them. These, I feel blindsided by.

And I think these attacks only magnify the aspect of me being an individual to its fullest. I desire so much to have someone fight for me and lead me and guide me in a way that I don’t feel so brazenly alone at times. I have learned much about the measure and importance of honesty over the last year and how that allows people to enter in and walk alongside me. In this though, I don’t know its role well. I feel like though it’s of Satan, I see its potential for harm more than I see it for good. I see the need and know the importance of clinging to Jesus and His truth more than ever in these attacks. Perhaps I’m not letting him fully come to me and receiving Him. Or perhaps I am needing someone to come alongside me and lead me in the way to His arms…because in this, I feel wounded and scarred, unable to carry myself to the
table where I don’t belong.

This is the honesty of my heavy heart.

On the Brink

I haven’t written anything specifically on here in a while, almost a month and a half. I haven’t been led to in this time, and am still not quite led to. There has been a necessity to allude to things that God is doing in hopes that people who read this would seek out God in the greater mystery of it all. There has been a necessity to not attempt to scientifically lay everything out like a lab report of what has been happening, but rather let choice language and words be composed with one another to allow God to sing a greater song through the words written.
There has been a movement in my heart and around me unlike any other that surpasses words. There’s been a melody shaping and taking its root deep within that comes only from God. He has been consuming me from the inside out…

And even still, tonight I am not yet to get into specifics. I strongly feel that time beginning to come to an end as God leads me into what comes next.

But what I can say tonight is that the grand scheme and scale of things is far beyond anything tangible that we can hold onto and understand. I know that at least with me, I have felt like I have been living a life that just doesn’t seem quite real. It doesn’t seem like I am actually living this, actually experiencing what is happening. The words of Isaiah ring so true in that the Lord’s thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, and the words of David saying that such knowledge is too lofty for him to attain resonate within my heart. What keeps taking me by surprise is God continues to lead and grant knowledge as to what He is doing and how I am to respond. Yet with that, I think the proportion of how much I understand and His actual thoughts remains consistent; I still have barely scratched the surface.

I have been seeing and experiencing the spiritual realm like no other lately. God is doing a tremendous work and with that, Satan is bitterly fighting it. My best friend asked me last night “how are you doing?” and I replied that I am fine. I am fine. I am firmly planted on the rock and my feet are not shaken. What may appear to make me “not fine” is the amount of what is happening to me and through me and around me. The spiritual realm of Heaven and Hell are surely battling it out. However, in the midst of it, I am seldom fazed because it is a battle that has already been won. Jesus said he saw Satan fall from the sky like lightning. He has no authority in Heaven; he has been cast out. He still bitterly fights, but he fights a losing battle. In the midst of all of the spiritual warfare I have been experiencing, there has been such a great peace because I know my God is victorious. He has already won.

And I know that with such opposition from Satan, God is doing a tremendous work. With me personally, there is a tremendous anointing happening upon me…and again, I am not yet going to get into specifics, but I find myself floored at it and what it entails. I find myself amazed that I am not really overwhelmed by it, and it is amazing to see the work God has done in my heart. These things don’t overwhelm me because they are not in my own and are not in my hands.

You see, more now than ever God has been teaching me what a true surrender to Him truly looks like. I have been seeing the ways I so miserably fail in this but have also been seeing the triumphant areas in which Jesus has conquered. With this anointing, I know nothing better to do but be fully surrendered. It’s the deepest desire of my heart because I remain incredibly humbled that God would have me in this position. I’m incredibly humbled because I look back on my life and see different aspects of what God has done and how they all come together in its own time…the magnitude of it I can’t comprehend though. It is so far beyond me and I only know in part. But that part I know now…how incredible it is!

Because here I am, 21 years old, and I feel as if my life could be culminating with the grand things that are happening and are on the brink…yet I find myself completely dumbfounded at how this is only just a fragment of what God has yet to do. How great is our God. How GREAT is our God…

And perhaps this is where I am to leave it tonight…that no matter where you are at, God has your life ordained in such incredible ways that you may not know of now or for quite some time, or even at all. But God did not create you in vain. He created You with the greatest love of all time, and He surely has a plan and purpose for all things. He will make His glory known. And He will make his pursuit of you evident. All he requires is your heart and your surrender…
And trust me. Regardless of anything else, at His feet is the best place to be.

A Month Now...

It’s been almost a month now
Since the last form of help was left behind
I took the step off the edge
Leaped over the barrier
Only to be left to continuously find
The deeper graces of You
The deeper strengths of You
The deeper love of You
The deeper heart of You

My world has been peppered by screams
And gradually increasing noise
A world once silent is now
Becoming a world alive
Each element within it possessing its own voice
A voice of passion
A voice of apathy
A voice of stirring
A voice of vibrancy

Each day is a brand new surrender
To learn to listen and to fully trust
Sovereign ways higher than mine
Sovereign grace beyond mine
Remembering human beings came out of dust
So springs up a new thing
May I now perceive
The richness of You
The fullness of You
The splendor of You
The pursuit of me by You alone

To Fall and to Land

You hold the grains of sand in the grip of your hand
Opening Your palm You let them fall
Each takes its own course in the downward force
Though remaining part of the greater scheme of it all
They seem to fall to disorder and disarray
Landing in places where no pattern can be found
It seems contrary to the control of Your hand
For they appear terribly scattered about
Yet stepping away and looking again
One finds they are beautifully contained
Individually they may not make sense
In the greater scheme they lay not in vain
For what seldom makes sense at the present
Could be just the falling of the sand
It will take its course
And in time, it will land
For they are sands within the hourglass falling as they may
All within Your sovereign control according to Your plan
We must look beyond just the one
And see the all that lies within Your hands

Neos

I’m seeing the world with new eyes
New ears, new heart, new mind
It’s like a treasure journey that leads me deep
In order that I may seek and truly find
I don’t know what the destination is
But the journey surely is the ride of my life

I wonder if it’s a flower that has been growing
Simply waiting for its time to bloom
It needed its nurturing and seclusion still
For its proper time to leave its womb
And as it breaks it keeps showing
Beauty that hasn’t been revealed a moment too soon

I can imagine it’s like being born for the first time
New hands and feet as a newborn cries
He enters the world foreign and unknown
Only for the first time to open his eyes
He hears the voice of his mother and father
And it’s love for a lifetime

What is it like to be still
When the world keeps on passing by
One observes and absorbs a greater deal
Instead of letting a miracle simply fly
A song comes into the heart
And becomes the worshipper’s cry


New ears, new heart, new mind.



I’m not going to let a miracle simply fly




Because it’s just the beginning





Of the greatest love song of all time.

All Things New

cutting through the clouds, gonna pour down
the rain has simply washed away
the sky's about to break, what's it gonna take
for You to receive all the praise
that to You is due
because You make all things new
All things new

chaff falls down, flowers sprout from the ground
a new season is in bloom
from the dirt of the earth, we find what we are worth
and it's nothing that compares
to the glory of You
because You make all things new
All things new

Bridge
For it's You who does a new thing, do we perceive
the intricate workings and glorious splendor of You, Our King

Chorus
All things new, can I describe what I see
All things new, can I describe what I hear
Because these words simply can't contain
The overflow of my heart to You, so dear
The old has gone, can I say what has left
The old has gone, can I say what has been left behind
Because this life has been redeemed
And passes through the fire that refines
And what happens in this moment
will simply be written in the history books of time
Because the old has gone and the new has come
and all things are new


All things are new, but do you perceive...?

Jesus, I Lift My Eyes

When sins and fears prevailing rise
And fainting hope almost expires
Jesus to Thee I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Are you not mine, my living Lord
And can my hope, my comfort die
Fixed on the everlasting word
That word which built the earth and sky

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I lift my eyes

Here let my faith unshaken dwell
Immovable the promise stands
Not all the powers of earth or hell
Can e're dissolve the sacred bands

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I lift my eyes

Here oh my soul
Thy trust repose
If Jesus is forever mine
Not death itself that last of foes
Can break a union so divine

Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires
Jesus, I lift my eyes
To Thee I breathe my soul's desires

Jars of Clay

Can I Dance Before You Tonight?

Dear God,
It’s me.
You know me full well, every little detail inside and out.
I come into the room unannounced and still You know.
I used to feel so exposed at such a fact…
But it now brings me overwhelming comfort.
Because You’re You.
You are unlike any other.
You are my God.
Sometimes when I try to tell others about You
I trip over my words
For how am I to describe One beyond description?
I can’t quantify what it is I have in You…
It’s beyond limit. Beyond all measure.
My cup overflows.
They say a journey takes one many places unseen
If so, I’ve been on a journey unlike any other…
You have shown me things unparalled that otherwise cease to exist
I can’t fully grasp that this is still just the beginning
And I feel revived with joy, full of life
Fully in tune.
They say that romance seems to bring the fragrance of flowers in the air
If so, I’m smelling the most beautiful ones yet…
You have captured me, my every essence of my being
I can’t fully grasp what it is I’ve been given
And I feel taken in like no other, like never before.
I’m in love.
So can I dance before You tonight?
Just You and me in the room?
I want to move to the music You have put in my heart
And give back what to me has been fully given by You
So can I dance before You tonight?
Lift my hands up high and move my feet below?
I want to respond to the love that has been given
And live a life of worship that never ceases to flow…
So I ask You, dear God…
Can I dance before You tonight?

Beyond Wonder

You know...I still have homework to do before class at 9 tomorrow...but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel paralyzed in most senses of the word as I sit here seemingly confined to my chair, not because I'm being forced to but rather because it comes by choice. I'm captured...gripped...by a love that surpasses all understanding. I can't even open my mouth because I am left without words, without any desire to speak at the moment. The Lord says "Taste and see that I am good," and but just a morsel on my tongue tonight leaves me beyond wonder and imagination...for I am not left to imagine what things are to be, but that I now know...the richest of the rich and the purest of the pure, the Only that comes from the Lord. Could it be that He loves me this much? This question I have dared to ask and have since found the answer...He does. Out of His infinite character and love He wishes to bestow and bestow He does. It's easy to look to the external things and how He will use the things He does, but as I heard very clearly tonight, it's about me and Him. It's about me allowing Him to woo me and show me that He not only does things for His glory but that I may know Him intimately, not just as the God who does this great thing, but as the One who loves me beyond compare...and I couldn't hold back the tears tonight as I realized this great thing.

He is surely faithful. His promises certainly endure. He loves me with an everlasting love. And what He said He would bring about, that He will do, and that He is...!

The Priority of Holiness

Where does the priority of holiness lie within God's people? I find myself troubled with that question just now, and I don't believe it to be any coincidence coming with the first moments of the new year. How are we seeking Him and glorifying Him? What I've been seeing as of late shows me that we are falling short in so many ways...

Why is it that so few dare to be different, to pursue holiness in the way we are commanded to, "be holy as I am holy?" Why does that fact that there are few make it so hard at times for the people who choose to do so?

There needs to be a lot of truth spoken...and I have no idea where to begin...

The Ordinary rather than Extraordinary

I was driving up I-25 today and was hit with a medley of profound thoughts as to what God has been leading me and teaching me as of late…

I am so used to the extraordinary. My life has been full of it in many different aspects. I’ve been reminded so much of something John said to me at the end of the summer in that I expect the extraordinary out of every moment when some moments are just meant to be ordinary. And it’s so true. I could get into some examples of that, but I won’t tonight.

With that, I think I have been focused on reaching the ends of the earth before fully reaching my Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria. And part of that has been for a purpose. I believe over the last quarter God opened my eyes to what it looks like to go to the ends of the earth and did a heck of a lot of character refinement in me in order to bring me to the end of myself and to a point in which I willingly say “yes” to whatever God has in it. I needed to learn what it looks like to be willing to forsake all comfort purely for the sake of the Gospel and serving my Lord simply out of the overflow of my heart’s love for Him. I needed to learn what His exclamation of “if You love me, You will obey my commands” truly looks like.

But as of late, I find a new question God is asking me, and that is am I willing to serve Him in the ordinary? I’ve been learning so much about this over break especially in serving my family in the little things. It is something I struggle a lot in as I am so independent and want to do my own thing, but I prayed last week that God would give me a servant’s heart towards my family. It has been one of the sweetest things…my brother has been in and out of the hospital with bad kidney stones and in the midst of holidays, there was certainly a lot to do. And at times I wondered what the purpose of it was.

I was reading the last chapter of The Pursuit of God and Tozer talks about how we so often separate the spiritual from the secular when it should not be so. He talks of how things should all be spiritual, as we can glorify God in everything we do, even the most common of things. Certainly there are things in life that are more important than others and that should be taken into consideration, but if we drive ourselves to divide spiritual from secular, we miss the point. I’ve been so thankful for this chapter and book over the last 3 months as God has spoken largely through it…

And with the serving my family thing, I realized that the best thing I could be doing this week was baking the cookies for my mom, wrapping the presents under the tree, cleaning the house, picking up my aunt, all of those little things that I always used to pass over. I didn’t realize how much of a blessing it was to her until God broke me of my selfish nature and poured through me allowing me to do such things. The ordinary has so much to teach me…so much…

I’ve always been the one doing the latest and greatest thing, and I think it’s become something that I have come to expect of myself and others expect of me. However, this should not be. The only expectation I should have is to simply follow the Lord and allow Him to lead as He wishes. And I think it’s an interesting time the Lord is bringing me into, and that is simply being in the ordinary. That means doing something most people will probably not quite understand, while others will understand greatly. That means that instead of going abroad to serve the Lord sometime in the next year, I may perhaps be going home to CO and simply being there. That’s the ordinary, not the extraordinary…but that doesn’t mean something is to be overlooked…

See, God is doing a great work in my heart in breaking it for my family. As my brother was in immense pain Sunday night, I was with him and stroked his head in an attempt to calm him down, and my heart broke for him for the first time. For the first time I saw him through God’s eyes and not my own. God is so gracious to allow us the opportunity to begin a relationship that we have never had before. I feel such a strong pull towards my dad, and I know God is doing a revolutionary work in his heart, which is far too complicated to explain here. I see my mom’s curiosity and growth in the Lord which needs someone to walk alongside in. And I see myself and how for the first time I feel a strong pull towards my family instead of away from it in my independent nature. I simply broke in this as I was driving in Denver today, and realized it’s a change only God can do…I realized that there is a role in my family that God has placed me in that only I can fulfill. And perhaps it’s time to accept the common thing and walk into it.

John was showing me the back of his new book today and it mentioned something that stood out to me tremendously, as I know I do this. It spoke of something to the effect that in our worship of God we completely neglect those around us. It’s like our worship to God and focus on Him becomes an excuse not to open our eyes to our surroundings. It’s so true, and I’m thankful God’s opened my eyes to this.

I say this all tonight not as a declaration of what God is going to do and how He is going to lead, for I do not know such things. I say this as an observation of what God has done and perhaps where He may be leading based on Scripture and what He’s done in my heart. The only declaration I dare make is that God is on the move, and His spirit will blow in the direction He chooses, regardless of whether I know it or not. What is required of me is a willing obedience to do whatever it is He has.

And for me at least in this time, it’s to do the common thing. It’s to live in the ordinary rather than the extraordinary.

Not of Conformity

When we are immersed in our culture to the point where we can't see creation anymore, then we must have an incorrect view of God. We forget that our God is a God of creation and not a God fabricated by culture. He will not conform Himself to the world's ways, but rather makes the world conform to His. There is such a danger of being blinded by our culture that we lose sight of who God really is. We must be in the world but not of it, as we belong to the Kingdom of Heaven. We must remember that He is faithful in every way, a God of longsuffering love.

Understanding an Act of Three Years Ago

I look at the wall of my room right now where I placed a huge white cross on the wall covering up all of my sports photos. That came at a time my senior year of high school in which I had just quit my final sport, basketball, in final obedience to what God had been calling me to do for so long. It took me several months to finally obey God in what He had told me to do for so long, and when I did, I felt like I had lost everything. Because at that time, I had. My entire identity was found in that I was Elise, the athlete, and I seemed to live for the next game or practice or newspaper article and stats which could feed my pride in a way it didn’t need to be, as it was surely hungry enough already. I remember the night I put that cross up. I was wrestling so much with God and myself in this ‘lost’ identity I had suffered. In my heart I knew I wanted and needed Christ to reign supreme, but as I looked at all of the photos of 8 years of sports, my life, it left such a bitter taste in my mouth and I was grieving. I knew I had to do something in order to bring about change and remind me daily of why I had made that decision. So I grabbed the roll of paper that had been in my closet for several years, got my chair, and made a cross the entire height of my wall, the center covering up the first athletic letter I received playing basketball. It was a tangible way to remember every single time I looked at that wall, that though I didn’t understand why God had me make such a decision, it was purposeful and I had to learn to trust Him in it. It still remains up to this day. I have never taken it down, and have never been able to fully do so.

But as I sit in my room tonight, I am so thankful for such a reminder. That time in my life has come up so much over the past couple of months as I remember that what I thought was eventual obedience to God was really disobedience. I inflicted so much upon myself that didn’t need to be. God is not one to be bargained with as I thought at that time. He has surely far more sway than I ever will. Who was I to make my life my own when He is the source? Who was I to wrong God in that way? But through that process, I remember, and I am not so casual with my obedience to God as I was then. I am learning the importance of what it truly means to heed the Spirit the instant it changes direction. I am learning what it means to make my yes be yes and my no be no. I am learning that I must never possess anything, for nothing is mine to possess. I could so easily say I have learned these things already, as God has taught me a great deal already. Yet I won’t. For for me to say that would be saying I’ve already reached the goal and received the prize. My journey is not yet done. There are still lessons I continue to learn and will be refined in over time, and even still, new ones will always come. But I am thankful that God brings these stepping stones along the way, so I can remember what happened then so I may choose a different way now. I’m thankful that nothing is lost in His sight, but that every single incident in our life is purposeful. It’s been over 3 years since I put up that cross. In a lot of ways, it has taken 3 years to understand its purpose.

I understand it now. And for that I am eternally grateful. Praise be to my God who ordains all things…!

Put in my Place

I think so often I look for or expect the profound in every moment...that somehow I will continue to unearth the deep mysteries of God and myself and His movings. I think that as of late as my words and thoughts have been few, I feel I'm not learning or growing in a way that I should be. I've been forgetting that perhaps the reason why I feel so blind as to what is happening is that God's been directing my focus to Him. And in that gaze, I realize that His ways are inscrutable (Rom 11:33).

I don't want to be in a place where I am complacent and not seeking Him in the way I should. Yet I think I see that in my searching for what results are coming from my seeking after the Lord, I miss that the means really are the results. One example is worrying about not being complacent shows that I am not complacent, otherwise it wouldn't come across my mind. In so many ways, the season God has me in now is so contrary to who I am and have always been to some degree, and I try to measure this season based on last season's standards. Yet in this time, the standard is different. The Lord is doing a new thing, and I must choose to acknowledge that, whether or not I perceive it yet. Things are surely changing, as God is on the move...it's pretty exciting! Despite the excitement, it is my prayer that I don't miss out on what God is doing in each moment.

Things will come and go, but God will always remain; He is the true constant.

I guess I've been put in my place if you will; that God is God in heaven and I am here on earth. Therefore I will let my words be few (Ecc 5:2).

He is surely good!
(I took these pictures over Utah/Colorado when I was flying home for break)

New Life! (and not just the church either...)

I've been wanting for a couple of days now to write my thoughts on what God has revealed to me in the midst of what many would call tragedy at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. For those of you who don't know, I was born and raised in Colorado Springs, and this church is less than 5 minutes away from where my parents live and where I lived in high school. I've been to many of their services over the years; in particular, their student services, and I still have many, many friends and people I know that belong to this church. News from there hits pretty close to home. When the news of former pastor Ted Haggard hit over a year ago, I wrote these thoughts on it which you can find at this link:


And over a year later and a shooting occurring at that church last week, God has once opened my eyes to what He is doing in it, and also what He has been doing over the last year. It amazes me what these things are, but even further still, it amazes me that what I see only scratches the surface.

I was still in San Luis Obispo when the shooting happened and heard about it from John and also my best friend at home who is heavily involved in this church. It was interesting because if I had been on a normal holiday schedule for coming home, I probably would've been at that church that day. However, I wasn't, and I do understand some of the reasons why now, but those I won't get into. When I arrived home last Wednesday, I was hearing things firsthand from people and also was placed into the environment in which this event happened. But it really wasn't that clear until I was driving to do some holiday shopping one day and drove by another church, on which they had their marquee "New Life, we are praying for you!"

I broke into tears when I saw that, completely overwhelmed at it and it came to me that God is uniting the Body of Christ in this event. It's not just in Colorado Springs, but so much further than that. I think in our human tendencies as American churches we get caught up in pride and identify ourselves with the name of a church and the things that are happening there, when above all, we should be identifying ourselves with the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ surpasses all church walls and all divisions that we impose upon it. I see that happening with this, and it's an incredible thing to see.

As I meditated on this, I realized something else. What many would consider a tragedy, I believe God is using it as restoration for a wound suffered a year ago by the falling of Pastor Ted. After that event, New Life was thrust into the limelight not for what it truly is, a part of the Body of Christ that looks to Him alone as a leader, but rather another American church that had a leader doing immoral things, showing hypocrisy. Sure, people seemed to give praise to how the church staff handled it, but for the past year, that is largely what New Life has been known for. The shooting that occurred last week seemed to begin to thrust that out of the limelight, and the press has something else to focus on. Yet God remains sovereign over all, and in the midst of all of this press coverage, people are seeing a church that truly seeks out Christ and Christ alone. People are seeing something real, not a religion that tries to act or hide, but a people deeply in love with their Savior and looking to Him alone. They are seeing a humble leader in the new pastor, Brady Boyd. They are seeing a people respond by praising and forgiving, not out of fear or hatred towards the event.

And as I spoke with my Godmother who attends this church about this, she said that the theme of the church over the last year has been "Overcome." God has laid this on their hearts for quite some time, and they are overcoming in tremendous ways.

I went to New Life on Sunday with John and found myself taken away by the presence of God in that place. This church and this part of the body of Christ are overcoming because they are and have been looking to the One who overcame first, the One who says that we would have troubles in this world but to take heart for He has overcome it. Surely He reigns supreme! I believe that Christ has made Himself and is the center of that church, and with that said, all glory be to Him!

I strongly encourage you to watch this, at least the first 5-10 minutes of it. It is a video of the service on Sunday and reeks of the Spirit. Witness for yourself what God is doing and who He is!
Glory be to Him!

A Greater Thing Unseen

I think I’ve seen so much
The things that come or go or stay
All linger with my Creator’s touch
That the moments I experience
I drink deeper from the fount of love
Because my eyes open and I see
The intricate workings of my God

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of the great things seen, a redemption of the fall
The hearts of men come into tune and respond
To Your grace and love of You Holy Lord, the Unspeakable One

But a deeper drink from the fount
Leaves an unquenched thirst
And then my mind wonders of the
things unseen and my heart comes
to sing of the mystery
that I haven’t seen anything yet

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of a greater thing unseen, a further display of your love
The hearts of men come into praise to worship and fall
into Your grace and love of You Holy Lord, the Unspeakable One

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of a greater thing unseen, the intricate workings of my God?

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR? Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. Romans 11: 33-36

Pause...

Remembering...it is something that always happens around this time of the year and at the end of the quarter, that it seems almost a natural occurrence. It didn't come as naturally for me today as it has in the past, but it came.  Earlier on this week I decided that I would take a drive up Highway 1 sometime before I went home to Colorado for Christmas.  I needed to get away from the things that have seemed to numb my mind as of late and be stimulated once again...and be ushered into the presence of God that surrounds me constantly, whether I am aware of it or not...

It was a beautiful day, starting out mostly cloudy making for the most spectacular light over the ocean.  Time ceased to exist as I drank in the sights I saw around each bend.  I got out from time to time to take pictures, and with each opening of the car door I was greeted by a strong wind and a smell of freshness and abundance that brings new life to the soul.  It was a cold day on the coast, except up high on the cliffs where I was sheltered from the wind and warmed by the sun.   I drove for three hours barely thinking, just listening to worship music and living fully in the moment.  

My turnaround point I had made for myself before I started so I wouldn't drive past what I could handle in one day by myself was the town of Big Sur.  I approached it and drove through it, and it was as if I were in a foreign land compared to where I'd been for the past couple of hours.  The ocean vanished from view and I was surrounded by greenery and trees that touched the sky, a beautiful sight, but one completely unexpected.  I was intimidated by it because it changed so drastically, but then I remembered the words of David, saying "surely You are in the valley and I knew it not."  I was comforted by that fact and my fears ceased because my God is there from the highest of heights to the depths of the sea, from the mountain tops to the valley low.  There is nowhere I can go or flee from His presence. He is everywhere I will ever be...it is my choice to allow Him to manifest His presence to me that I may not only know that truth, but experience it in every moment.

I went back to the cliffs and pulled off the road and stopped to eat lunch I had made that morning.  I simply sat and watched the water move.  For a long time, I have loved the ocean because it's so vast yet intimate at the same time with the waves crashing on the shore beckoning us into its presence.  It has long been a personal metaphor of my relationship with God, in how there's level of depths I have yet to see and understand, but He pursues me relentlessly with the waves always coming onto shore, beckoning me to go in.  But I saw something else with it today.  I've never been that close to the ocean and that high up at the same time.  The ocean is constantly moving, and there's an order and rhythm to it that is seldom seen because of the perspective we have as humans.  Our sight is so limited because we are the ones on the shore.  We see the waves one, maybe two or three at a time, and we only understand each wave and what it entails as it develops.  We didn't see what swelled it up under the surface or exactly how hard or soft it will crash.  Based on past observations, we may be able to guess, but each wave is as unique as each grain of sand on the shore.  And we don't know what is coming much farther out than two or three waves at a time.  Yet, they are ordained, and they are in the perfect order they need to be.  God is constantly on the move in a scale bigger than we can comprehend.  We must know that, whether we can see it or not.  It is a necessity.

After lunch, I got back in my car and started my way back, or more so, the second half of my journey.  I started praying out loud, mixed with singing, mixed with laughter, mixed with tears...mixed with so many different things that only the presence of God can bring.  And I remembered that He is the One who has softened this heart of mine in such a way that the tears come so effortlessly now.  This girl who could barely cry a year and a half ago has been changed.  It's been done only by One.  There is only One who can raise me to the heights He does, to cause the tears flow as He does, to move me in the way He will.  And as the waves have carved away the cliffs of the rugged California coast, so it has been with me...my walls are down.  My defense is gone.  What has taken so long to be stripped away is finally leaving.  God beckons and calls me deeper still.  

And surely the God of which I saw today is capable of doing majestic things within me!  They must be so small in His eyes, yet I make it so big.  I found myself remembering that He doesn't make promises He doesn't intend to fulfill.  He will, and He IS.  I remembered that He doesn't need me to get His will done here on the earth, but I found myself praying that I may take a part in it.  May He be glorified in me in every way, intimately and powerful. 

I find myself in a peace and rest I haven't had in some time now.  I find myself fully resting and praising God for the fact that He simply IS.  I don't have to know or understand the deep truths of everything to simply worship Him because He IS.  May I recognize what is before me and praise Him accordingly.  But above all, may I see how every aspect of my life has been a pursuit of me created according to my needs, who I am, and who I need to be.  My Lord knows me.  He knows every part of me.  He knows when I rise and fall, what is in my heart and my mind before I speak. He knows me, and He loves me the same.  That is surely enough reason for praise.  I praise Him.  

Glory in the highest.  

A Stranger in Stranger's Shoes

It's taken a while for the words to flow, and still to some degree and in some aspects, they don't. I've been realizing that's fully where I was supposed to be. I would say that silence has been my song, and will continue to over the next week. Sometimes I feel like when I don't have anything to say or can't write, then that means I am being apathetic...and sometimes that is the case. But in this, things have changed so much that I don't have the words to describe it. Things are different to the extent I feel like I need a new language invented. I've had the concept of the above picture in my head for a couple of days now because it's the idea that I'm bringing myself into focus. I can see myself in the mirror and I know I am there, but it simply doesn't look like me. I have to allow the new lighting conditions and environment to create this new picture of myself, and then when it's fully in focus I can see it for what it truly is.

Redefining the gaze could be a good way to describe it overall. Over the past few months, circumstances changed drastically in different ways in that God could shape my character through it. There's been a refining after the chaff has been burned away to bring me to the person I am today...and I don't recognize that person at all. It seems so often I am looking a stranger in the mirror or thinking a stranger's thoughts because I feel so detached from who I am. Yet at the same time I know that the air I breathe is the same, the eyes I see through are the same, and these hands that type are the same. Nothing physical on the outside has changed...but that even seems impossible when I am understanding the magnitude to which everything else about me has changed or at least shifted.

Or perhaps it's finding the raw essence of myself. Perhaps all of the fluff and masks and words and activities I used to hide behind have been stripped away. Perhaps my armor and self-defense is finally gone in such a way that only God alone can shape me and I am able to respond. How can one fight a battle when he or she has no weapons of self-defense and has placed them all in the One who stands before him/her? It is greater than simply losing the battle, but choosing to lose it by giving up the weapons possessed. It is recognizing the fact that there is One before self that is far greater and not one we are to conquer; instead, the other is supposed to conquer us. It's the Other that brings the light that allows us to finally see ourselves for how ridiculous we are and how big we have made ourselves to be. It's the Other's shield in which we can see the reflection of ourself for how small we really are. It's in the presence of the Other that we realize it's truly been a battle against ourself and not choosing to surrender in the presence of something greater.

I see now that I've been coming before my God in this way as of late...and I simply surrender at the presence of something greater. No words need to be said...I am simply to lay down my fight and acknowledge the One who is greater...for He will always be.

The battles I used to wage are far gone now, because I know those battles are not my own. They never were. Even the battles I used to wage against myself are gone because I know now that there's simply no point in fighting my Creator's grip. I know not what to do or what to say or how to live, all of that is lived and breathed by the Spirit alone. He is my guide and source of life, dare I heed it? I dare say I will...

Because though I feel a stranger in stranger's shoes, I know that it is still myself, and I am created in the way my Father knows I ought to be. My understanding is frail and small and will always be. I am a finite creature, and God is doing an infinite work within me. That will never change. I must simply respond by laying down my armor and seeing the light of One who is far greater than myself. There is nothing else I need to know about myself other than I am His. He has conquered me.

Fully Yourself

I feel led to post my journal entry from tonight...normally I don't do such things, but perhaps the honesty in which God has been dealing with me in is meant to speak to You as well. May we always look to Him to be fully who He is.

Dear Lord,

Here we are in the middle of November, just a week before Thanksgiving. It’s been so hard for me to come here and simply sit and journal, rest in You, be in the moment. Life is busy with the end of the quarter wrapping up and I have let myself get caught up in that pace in pretty much every moment of my life. I look back to freshman year in which I was journaling about an hour every day because of the fullness of life, and I also knew the necessity of it. I lived and breathed it. Life was simpler than then it is now, but it’s not to say that life isn’t or shouldn’t be simple now. Lord, all that is required of me is that I seek You out and love You. It is as simple as that if I choose to let it be. I look at the adult pressures and responsibilities that are beginning to become more of a reality as time goes by and I see how much of a burden they are. There’s so little freedom in it and so many things holding one back. Kate and I talked about this yesterday in that it is easier and more natural for younger people to go because they don’t have these ties in life holding them down. Yet Lord, it is my prayer that no matter how old I get or how much life changes, that there be only one thing I am tied to-the chains of which that bond me in serving You, my Lord. That is all that is needed and wanted. May there be nothing that holds me down. This life is but a breath in the sight of Heaven my Lord, and when it comes down to the things that really matter, the worldly “burdens” do not. Help me to always see that. Help me to be diligent with those things You have given me to do as I am in the world but not of it, and with that, may these things never become a part of me.

I look at this quarter and much of what has happened and changed and…I don’t know. It’s hard to get into it right now, and I don’t think I am supposed to fully yet. I have been convicted of the many ways in which I have fallen short of the things You have given me to do and the person I am to be. Though these things are difficult for me to swallow, I thank You that You have given me such a clear picture of how I will always fall short…in every aspect of my life; in particular, with leadership this quarter. I am in utter need of Your grace, not just now in this moment, but always. I ask that I be dependent on You in such a way that I am as a baby looking to You for my every need and desire. Surely my Lord, You will carry me and lead me ever so. I do not walk on my own. When I do so, I always stumble and fall. One cannot see without the light. Lord I pray that Your light always be upon me and shine through me in every moment. Lately I don’t see the manifestation of such…in that Your light would shine through me and penetrate others. Lord, I desire that You make Yourself known in and through me, and with that always requires an end of myself. May I die to myself in every moment. May I live in full surrender to You.

Lord, I trust that You are moving ever so, with or without me. I am not required or needed to get Your will done here on this earth. You are fully sovereign, and all of Your wills and desires come from the overflow of who You are, fully sufficient in only Yourself. We are sinful and always fall short. Praise be to You that You are not dependent on us, and knew us before we ever came to be. Praise be to You who sent Your son before creation ever began, fully sovereign in Your plan of salvation and restoration of Your people. Lord, that we would know You as the One true God, that is my prayer. Lord, that we may be made “small and wise” as Brittany has been praying. Lord, that “we may decrease and You may increase,” as John the Baptist stated. Lord, that Your truth would sanctify us in every moment, as You prayed for us. Lord, that regardless of how we feel or act, we would ever know and be fully devoted in the commitment we have in You. You give us nothing less than Your all. May we strive for such.

The literal seasons change my Lord, and so do the spiritual seasons; at least they evolve. May I never cling so tightly to a particular season that I am either not willing to let it go or move on, or that I fail to be fully in the moment. As I said earlier, this life is but a breath. How I must not concern myself or put my hopes in tomorrow because You surely lead as the wind blows. I remember writing a poem this time last year about the leaves falling and bringing a regeneration. I was reminded of this over this week walking on campus and seeing the trees that have either not changed, are changing colors, or have lost most of their leaves completely. I also remember saying something a while back about there being a beauty in death. I wish I had a picture of the pinecone I had earlier today as it reminds me of this so well. But Lord, there is such a beauty in death. When we truly die to ourselves and every aspect of it, it only allows You full room to move and restore. Surely You will bring about more beautiful things that cannot come from the flesh of ours that we so willingly abide in. I am convicted so much lately in how I do not truly crucify my flesh. How easy it is to be distracted and make excuses when we choose to be governed by that instead of by Your truths and Your word.

I seldom know what tomorrow brings, and though it is strange and unfamiliar for me, it is an altogether good place to be. Today is where I am. This is the moment You have for me to be in. I pray I be fully here, fully on my knees giving You praise in the way that You deserve. Your promises ever remain and will be fulfilled in Your timing and Your plans alone. May I never look to those in itself, but rather as an opportunity, no, beckoning call to surrender all to You. Your will be done, my Lord. You know what I ask for. You know that I know You hear me. I expect nothing less of You than to be fully Yourself in every way…

You are fully and wholly Yourself. I cannot pick just one or a couple of attributes here because it would be slighting every aspect of who You are! So Lord, I leave here tonight praising You, the God who calls Yourself, “I am who I am.” That is all that needs to be said and known. Amen.

as surely as the Spirit blows

John 3:8
as surely as the wind blows
so may it be with me
a lack of tethers holding me down
simply flying free
oh that I may hear its sound
and follow it ever so
with what is granted to me
and all that I may know
be prepared to stay
or in a moment go
so may it be
as surely as the wind blows

Bridge
As surely as the spirit blows and carries me into the wind
I fall on my knees and praise and give it all back again

Chorus
To You alone…highly exalted
To You alone…wholly sovereign
To You alone…fully faithful
Fully gracious, fully merciful
In every way
With this heart’s response I lift my voice
To open up and sing
Would You carry it off in the wind and let it be
A spirit-led song of praise?

as surely as the wind blows
so may it be with me
wholly wrapped up in Your love
that sweeps me off of my feet
oh that I may feel Your embrace
and ever before You lay low
with what has been given to me
and all that I may know
live my life down at your feet
may I never let You go
so may it always be
as surely as the wind blows

So may it always be
As surely as the wind blows
So may it always be
As surely as the Spirit blows

Unconditional

It's always interesting to see where God takes the course of my day or night when I allow Him to do so. It's been such a blessing to have an entire day when there is nothing I HAD to do. It's been incredibly restful and needed...

Tonight I sat down with the intention of writing my parents a letter about God's leading in the future and the shaping and desires for such. However, that did not come. Instead, I ended up reading old blogs for about an hour. There are times I will go back and read through my journals, but I don't read through my blogs very often. I thank God for providing them in tonight's time, for there is something so beautiful about reading and remembering all that He has done and who He always is. I can't write about the future in its fullness until I see and remember God's fullness in the past and present. There is such a need to reflect and remember...

And I am blown away by it all. Could I really be here, 21 years old, in my third year of college, in the position I am in now? My roots are ever so present yet they are incredibly distant at the same time. Was it over 2 years ago that I started college and so many things began? And even still, college was not the beginning of my life. My Creator has had my days ordained before I ever came to be. Could it be that this year is a transition year in a lot of ways? I think perhaps, but more so after reading tonight, I think that in so many ways it is a new beginning, a new walking upon truths I am finally beginning to grasp. It may be a transition more so in the place I am. I find myself amazed that ever still I will come upon new mysteries of my God of which He gives me in order that I may constantly probe my faith to make it stronger and deeper. I praise Him that He will continue to take my breath away in so many moments...

Like today at the beach. My good friends from the dorm 2 years ago and I got together to play volleyball for a post-humus birthday celebration. It was raining quite a bit at the beach, but we didn't let that stop us. I was blessed tremendously by it for so many different reasons. One was that I was able to look upon these people I have known for over two years now and see the ways in which we have grown up..such a strange reality but one nevertheless. As we played the rain streamed steadily down and from time to time we shook our hair and wiped our brows. But the presence of God was ever there. And lastly, I found myself completely taken aback by the birds taking flight all at once, hundreds, maybe thousands, rising up. It was breathtaking. I can't even wrap my mind around what my heart wants to say in response to that...

Perhaps I am taken aback in the passing of time and what it brings. It seems like yesterday that that same group that gathered today to play volleyball in the rain gathered during WOW week our freshman year to play volleyball at the rec center. How incredibly different we all were and still are; yet there's a bond of friendship that has kept us coming back together over the years. These aren't my closest friends, but they are some of my most treasured. No matter how long it has been since we have seen one another or talked or anything, we still come back together. It is a friendship that is unconditional on time...

How God is incredibly unconditional on time...regardless of where I have been or where I am at, He has met me there. He has led me and taught me according to what I could bear, no matter how long the time would take. And though it's natural to classify things into years and ages, it is also sweet to see it as a big picture. God has been shaping me and leading me since before I was born.

My name was picked by my parents off of an 80's tv show they liked. When it was picked by them, they had no idea what the meaning of the name was: "consecrated to God." God has named me not for who I originally was but for who I would become and am becoming. Just as Jesus renamed Peter for that same reason, so God has done so with me. How incredibly beautiful that is...and how true it resounds over the years as God has knit me more and more into the folds of His arms and heart that I may be consecrated to him in every way...I love that word and am excited to see what other ways it will come into play later on in my life.

I am thankful that God has brought me back to remember before I pursue the future. The letter, among with so many other things, will come in time, but there's such a necessity in remembering the preparation of heart that God has done in the past for such things in the future. And upon the reflection as of tonight, I am clearly seeing that He certainly directs paths we are unaware of, and in His beautiful timing He makes them straight and clear. I have seen so much...yet it's nothing in comparison for what will come. That is my God, fully Himself in every way...unspeakably beautiful.