Nothing Better

There is so much I can say about what God is doing in and around me...but that is not the point. God is bigger than all things, especially my words. I was journaling tonight and recounting different things which I know God desires me to do for myself. But I'm not really supposed to say much right now. I am not the one in which God will reveal Himself through...it is Him alone, and always will be.

All I'm supposed to say right now is open your eyes and see Him moving and working. See His infallible ways, His incredible beauty, His love like no other...fall into love with Him, let His peace and presence consume You, and always desire and walk in the better way...

There is nothing better...I am convinced of that...

The Eve

It's the eve of a new quarter and I find I must dwelve into simplicity for the time being. I need to let God simply be who He is...He is always more than enough.

I don't know what is in store, and I find myself with an anticipation that is one of a bit nervous but excited kind. I feel on the brink of something yet in a waiting period still...

And with a vase breaking today and then a coffeepot breaking in the exact same spot several hours later, something is different...

I will wait to see what that is.

Until that time, let me remain in the presence of the Most High. He is altogether worthy!

Sin City

You hide behind the electrifying display of lights
Attempting to blind all who look in
That perhaps one will see a bigger and brighter future
Rather than a land riddled with sin
From the subtle “pop” on the street corners
To the billboards with women scantily clad
You lurk around and within
One of the biggest traps in existence

You lure in women young and old
paying them for their bodies that are of great worth
But that’s all you see that’s of worth.
Their bodies.
An object. A plaything.
Anything else is desecrated and dismissed
Are you happy seeing them serving the pleasures of men?
From the cocktail drink in “cute costumes” to a room with bare skin?

You torrent men’s minds with all this gratification at their fingertips
So few ways for them to remain pure
You want them to dominate.
Fulfill their fleshly desires.
Anything more noble is laughed at and scoffed
Are you happy seeing them giving in to their every whim?
From the image in hand on the corner to a room with bare skin?

You laugh with every dollar played on the casino table
For their ignorance is your bliss and fulfills your greed
That’s your appetite. That’s your goal.
To trap. To lure.
To deceive.
They know nothing else but to chase an empty dream
Are you happy seeing people empty their wallets?
An image of surrender to you and the illusion so convincing?

You lead every drunken step taken by a person trying to escape
Drowning their cares one by one
Down the pipe it goes and fades
Relief.
But only delayed reality.
Their cares are counted by the glass consumed
Are you happy seeing them swim in the sea of delusion?
From the first hard shot to the face passed out on the floor?

Your presence lurks from every light bulb bright to street corner dark
For you have this place in the grip of your writhing hands
This is your place.
A living hell.
But you have yet to see there’s One who will cause you to surrender in defeat
Your happiness will no longer be and your power will be ended
And forevermore your reign shall cease
Sin City will have no place anymore
Prepare the way for the coming of the Lord

Glory

When I look into the deep and vastness of the sea
Can I see Your glory calling out to me?
A glory that bids me come and die
and lay my life down at Your feet?

You've opened my eyes and allowed me to see
It's all for you, not all for me
And I should stand and sing your praise
Cry out at Your glorious majesty

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this

Glory, I give glory
You alone are worthy
Glory, I give glory
To Your endless majesty
Let my words come and speak
And only give praise to the One deserving

As I sit in Your presence and remain only still
Can I hear Your voice whispering until
The day comes that I may return home
And with Your spirit be completely filled

You've opened my eyes and allowed me to see
It's all for you, not all for me
And I should stand and sing your praise
Cry out at Your glorious majesty

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this

Glory, I give glory
You alone are worthy
Glory, I give glory
To Your endless majesty
Let my words come and speak
And only give praise to the One deserving

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this



















Pictures of Kristin Huisheere

Two by Two

It’s weird that it’s the end of another quarter and this one has completely flown by. Granted, I am excited to be done and to see what else lies in store, but with this, it is interesting to note what changes God is bringing and has begun this week. I will not be able to convey it to you because I haven’t been able to convey it to myself yet, but things are coming back…this time better. What that means only God can tell.

There’s been so many thoughts running through my head this week and so many things God is speaking to me about, and I haven’t had this for quite some time. I’m not going to rush what God is doing here because I often do that; however, tonight there is something pressing on my heart that I want to search out.

“The Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was to go” Luke 10:1.

Elise brought this up tonight when we were down at farmers and it put the clincher on one of the things that has been laying on my heart as of late.

Through many different things, God has opened my eyes to what an incredible blessing I have in Elise. There is no other friendship in my life quite like ours. Every friendship I have is different because every person brings something different to the table and there is a new mix, and I am so thankful for each one of them. Yet I am profoundly struck at how enriching this friendship has been to me…

We are to give our all to each other and to God all the time. This is so rare in our society, as John and I have been talking about as well. It’s even rare in our Christian circles. I know I am guilty of it as well. I tire of pouring out into others who don’t pour back into me. It shows that I am not letting God be the source of my love. What a sin that is…

But when that sin of not giving our all and loving in the way Jesus loves us is overcome, how blissfully sweet it is! Every time I meet with Elise I can’t help but think that God is smiling and delighting in the friendship He has given us. Bounds have been overcome, walls broken down, and a blessed friendship abounds.

Oh my dear sister who laughs with me, taking delight in the things quirky about me, or the inside jokes that we share…to the times when she has watched tears of pain streaming down my face and offers such a presence of peace…to the times when we pour out our struggles and understanding that this journey God has us on isn’t easy…to the times when we simply delight in one another in the fact that we get to meet…again. and again.

And again. How God has ordained the time that we spend together…in what seems like impossible schedules to match up and meet, we see each other so often. God knows we need each other. And God intentionally puts us together. Again and again.

I have had the blessing of watching her grow in her walk with the Lord in immense ways over the last year and a half. How beautiful her heart and how tender her spirit is. I have watched her lay her life down at the Lord’s feet over and over again, desiring His best, and having one of the most beautiful spirits of repentance I have ever seen.

It’s her honesty that penetrates me. She holds nothing back and in this, makes me realize how much I do. How God is using her to make me open up in the same way.

It’s her love that captures me. She loves our Savior more than words could ever express and devotes herself to Him endlessly. She displays selfless love more so than anyone I have ever met, constantly giving her all to the people around her.

This selfless love I have never experienced quite in this way before. I have never had anyone pour into me and initiate things with me quite in the way that she has. It’s been wonderful, refreshing, much needed.

There’s so much more I could say about her and our friendship, but I’ll wrap it up with this. God has provided exactly with what we need. And as we walk on our own adventures with one another with arms around each other’s backs, we know that we’re not alone. And that is good.

Continuing on to another point with this…

About a month ago God posed me with the question and situation of being alone without my love. He separated me for a time in order that I may learn that I am capable of letting go even when it’s the last thing I want to do. He taught me so much through this, but the question is a little…discomforting. I don’t know what the future implications of what this will entail, and God is continuing to teach me to trust Him with it.

I would say that I have walked in life alone for the most part even with people surrounding me. The first 6 years of my walk with the Lord were spent in a non Christian household, so I learned much about developing my relationship with God on my own. My faith has always been my own and it has been sweet to see where He has met me with this. I had many amazing friends and influences and parents around me, but I’ve always walked solitary to some degree. My life has been solely me and God.

A huge part of what God has been teaching me over this year is vulnerability and letting people in. There’s much I could say with this and I already have before, but basically God has been changing this solitary nature of myself greatly. I still enjoy my occasional times alone and still need that greatly, but I no longer want to walk life alone. I want to share life. I want people around me.

And I was hugely struck by what Jesus did with His disciples…He sent them out two by two. Not alone. Not even in groups of three or four or five. Those groups do have their purpose, but I am thinking that life is meant to be shared intimately with one person. We are to walk journeys with one person at a time.

I see this in my friendship with Elise in a huge way. We are walking the journey of discovering the women God has us to be together. It is sweet and intimate and blessed.

I see this with John and the friendship we had/have and the beginnings of this in our relationship. As we press on to what God has for us, it will continue to develop and grow.

I no longer want to be alone. I want those friendships in my life. In particular, I want to continue to walk with Elise, and I want to be with John, the one I love.

And honestly, it’s sometimes really hard to say goodbye, even for a short time, because of how dear they are to me…I won’t get into the details here though.

Jesus sent His disciples out by the two, so they wouldn’t walk alone.

And I can honestly say now that I strongly desire someone by my side.

The Year of the New Wineskin

Below this entry is a photojournal of various birds I have taken pictures of over the last year and a half. I wanted to go back and remember those times in which I took those pictures and the various ways God has spoken to me through those. Unfortunately I do not have pictures of my famous pet goose from last week, but what I have will suffice.

In different seasons of my life God chooses to speak to me through different things. Last year it was through scenes of His creation. I was able to live in two places throughout the year, Colorado, and for the first time, California. Each has its own beauty and majesty and for the first time in my life, I came to truly appreciate it. Last year...there is not just one adjective that can capture all it entailed, but if I truly had to pick one, I would say majesty. Over and over God surrounded me with His majesty, whether it be the sunset at the beach in California, or a mountain range in Colorado, or a canyon with a waterfall in Hawaii. God blew away all of my perceptions in a huge way last year. All of my life's plans that I had coming into college pretty much completely changed. My plans were too small for my God. He has much bigger ones. He is beyond anything I can wrap my mind around, and last year I was met with that for the first time. Last year was one of taking pictures and embarking on this new hobby of photography, one in which I could capture and remember these great scenes God created for me. Last year was one in which words poured forth from my fingertips and mouth, in which I found God in so many ways. I would say that last year was a banner year in a lot of ways in my adventure with God.

And as the years go on, the change continues. As I said before, each season brings different things and different lessons. This year is my quiet year, in which God has chosen to rework and mold my heart in ways never before. This year is when I'm discovering what the sacrifice of true love really is. This year is one in which I find it difficult to do external things like last year because it's not the season God has me in. This season has me retreating from my position I've always entailed as a leader and entering into my Savior's arms and surrendering. This season is one in which God is creating me as a new wineskin in order that He may pour forth new wine into it and have it ferment into something better and sweeter. My words have been so few as of late, a strange thing for a writer such as me. But again and again, I find my words so inadequate for this time. I can't put into words what God is doing in my heart and I can't give Him justice through my words. I can't pour forth effort into something that doesn't require my all, and that's how writing has been as of late. My God, my Savior demands my all and that is where I need to be. For the first time in my life, I need to let my quietness speak instead of any words I can pour forth. I need to hear His whisper to my heart and let Him speak to those around me far better than I ever can.

As for what God has chosen to speak through to me this season, it has been through birds. How captivated I have been with them...a kindred spirit of sorts I have found. Growing up, if I was asked the question what animal would I want to be, it was always a bird. I am beginning to understand why...

The birds that I am surrounded with here in SLO, especially on the hills outside my apartments, possess a majesty like few I have encountered. They soar effortlessly through the air, letting the wind caress their wings and direct their paths. They are not ones to make obnoxious noise but they rather embrace the silence that lies all around them. How sweet is it to let one's words be few...to feel the wind beneath one's wings, knowing all one has to do is incline them in order to soar...

It's such a simple life that the birds have. As I was walking to work today, I saw these two ducks swimming in this ditch full of water by the path. They frolicked about among the moss and then decided to pick up and leave, flying right over my head dropping water on me as I walked underneath. They don't have any cares or worries.

They see the most majestic of sights. They bask in every sunrise and sunset. As the clouds change form above them, they are able to seek the light, for they see it and can obtain its grasp. If only I were able to see the light that clearly and strive for it every moment I live and breathe...if I could fly and somehow reach it, how sweet that would be.

I was watching hummingbirds in the courtyard of my apartments yesterday and for the first time actually saw a hummingbird not flap his wings but rest on a tree branch. The frenzied pace that was so normal to him he forsaked for a while. Sounds pretty familiar to me.

And so few are attached to one place, for they know that being attached to one place means it can be uprooted at any time. Instead, they fly around not having roots. How true does this ring in that this is not my true home. I have one waiting for me that is far better. I shouldn't get attached.

There's even a companionship that I have found in these birds that I long for. Last Saturday I went to the lake in town to sit in God's presence and somehow found myself in the company of a big fat goose for an hour. God had much to teach me through this goose. I was scared of this goose for quite a while because I didn't know what the heck he wanted and why he was right by my side. I wasn't sure if he was going to bite me or what. I had to learn to trust him that he wasn't going to hurt me and so the goose also had to learn I wasn't going to hurt him. It took some time but how sweet the results were...I was able to caress its soft neck and stroke its feathers and watch him fall asleep at my side...such a strange encounter with a goose. This goose also pursued me in a concrete way I hadn't experienced before. He swam out of nowhere in the water and walked out of it right up to my feet. He looked at me and honked at me for a bit waiting for me to get up and follow him. I followed him shortly from my bench and sat with him as he ate the grass surrounding me. I started singing some worship songs quietly to myself and he began honking so loudly! After a while I went back to my bench and he ran after me until he was right back at my side. We spent some more time together until I decided to make my way back to my car. He continued to run after me, and then just walked me to my car almost all the way. Three remarkable things happened in this. I was petting him on the back of his head as we walked and he was nuzzling into my leg because he enjoyed it so much. The second was that three other adults saw the experience I was having with the goose and decided to try and pet him too. He, well, viciously attacked them only to return right back to my side. As I was almost back to my car, he decided to stop going. I stopped for a second and looked at him and he looked at me, and then with a grand finale, he stood up as tall as he could and began to flap his huge majestic wings all while remaining on the ground. An incredible sight. This goose longed for my company and would stick by my side, not letting me go. This goose who was vicious to others learned to trust me and fell asleep in my presence. This goose showed me that he wasn't going to hurt me and I just needed to be in his presence. He delighted in me, longed for me, wanted to teach me. This is my God, the One who pursues me...how sweet it was in a rather amusing occurence of a goose.

And today I have found myself realizing there is still a bit more to be learned from these birds...there is still a bit more to this season I am in. For the first time in my life, I am not going to rush the time I am in. It is far too critical for what God has in store. For if my heart is not molded and shaped by my Savior now, how will I be able to rest secure in His love for me and be able to sacrifice all at the same time for what He has for me to do? I won't be able to. It will be like pouring new wine into an old wineskin and having it burst because it wasn't able to stretch any more. It would be lost.

I could look to future things and lessons that God has in store, but why would I want to miss this time now? It has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but one of the most rewarding. God is showing me who He is and wrapping me up in His presence. Why would I ever want to escape?

A Photojournal Through Birds

Let My Mouth Resound with Glorious Praise

O to the One upon whom I wait
Let my mouth resound with glorious praise
As Your ear has been inclined to my cry
You cover with peace my every longing and sigh
In the folds of Your arms there my heart rests
As You shape me into the one You know best
How precious is Your love to every part of my being
The joy that fills inside allows me to walk by faith, rather than seeing
For who am I to know all the ways of above?
Not today, but forever will I be covered by Your love
It is You alone who is the giver of all good things
Worthy of my whole life, to You will I bring
A melody that stirs within, a beginning of a freedom song
And now will I sing, today, tomorrow, and forever long
O to the One upon whom I wait
Let my mouth resound with glorious praise

What do you say?

"What do you say to an unbelieving friend who has a loved one who is dying? I am speechless, not knowing how to deal with the hard things in life. I may not have the arguments to "prove" God's existence. All I got is faith though some call me crazy for believing in something intangible, it's all I got. There is a peace in my heart and a joy in my soul when I choose to worship Christ, and I continiue to do it because the love I feel is more than I can bear to ignore." -Colin

What do you say to an unbelieving friend who has an unloved one who is dying? I didn't have the answer for that tonight, and haven't had the answer at all. As he told me and others around me of the latest news of his mom, all we could do was sit in silence. After a couple of minutes he begged us to break it. But what do you say when the one thing that you know will help him he isn't ready or willing to hear?

Wouldn't the silence speak louder than any words that can be said? Wouldn't it speak that there is nothing any one of us can do to fix it? Wouldn't it point him to the necessity of a Savior, the King of Kings who knows and understands his pain in ways we never can?

Why are we so quick to speak, to try to solve problems and offer words that harm rather than help? Or even toss out words that have no purpose? Can't we let the silence speak louder than any words ever will?

It seems that the incident tonight finally helped me to see part of what this past week and especially this weekend has entailed. And that is silence.

I find irony in the fact that tonight the silence both embraces me and comforts me and at the same time makes me a bit lonesome. There were so few words spoken this weekend and it was beyond refreshing. How good it is to sit in our Father's presence, for He is altogether lovely, altogether worthy of our praise and adoration!

As I write this, my apartment rings of boisterous noise by my roommates and visitors alike. I don't want their company tonight. I want to be wrapped in what the silence can bring and what God can do through it. He's already done so much. This is my time of restoration, renewal, and rest, and it will soon be coming to an end; I predict tonight will be the last night of rest. Then it's a time of preparation.

I've been fascinated with the birds flying above the hills outside my window over the past couple of days. They've been flying in place, and it's remarkable to watch. The wind catches them ever so in order that they barely have to flap their wings in order to be suspended in mid-air. All they have to do is keep their wings in the correct position in order that they may let the wind carry them. How this describes what God has been doing with me as of late...getting my heart inclined to Him in such a position that His breath of life will carry it, suspend it, embrace it. All I've had to do is remain in the position He wants me to be in.

And soon the winds will change and it will be time to fly, to soar around to the adventures that lay ahead. For once I think I'm not concerned with the destination but rather the journey. A walk with Jesus on the wild side. It should be quite a ride.

As for now? I'll let the silence embrace me and prepare to fly.

Redefining

What would happen if we would rediscover love? What would happen when we see the way of Jesus as a journey, constantly evolving? Rob Bell has got me thinking...

"The most powerful things happen when the church surrenders its desire to convert people and convince them to join. It is when the church gives itself away in radical acts of service and compassion, expecting nothing in return, that the way of Jesus is most vividly put on display. To do this, the church must stop thinking about everybody primarily in categories of in or out, saved or not, believer or nonbeliever/ Besides the fact that these terms are offensive to those who are the ‘un’ and ‘non,’ they work against Jesus’ teachings about how we are to treat each other. Jesus commanded us to love our neighbor, and our neighbor can be anybody. We are all created in the image of God, and we are all sacred, valuable creations of God. Everybody matters. To treat people differently based on who believes what is to fail to respect the image of God in everyone. As the book of James says, ‘God shows no favoritism.’ So we don’t either.

Often times the Christian community has sent the message that we love people and build relationships in order to convert them to the Christian faith. So there is an agenda. And when there is an agenda, it isn’t really love, is it? It’s something else. We have to rediscover love, period. Love that loves because it is what Jesus teaches us to do. We have to surrender our agendas. Because some people aren’t going to become Christians like us no matter how hard we push. They just aren’t. And at some point we have to commit them to God, trusting that God loves them more than we ever could. I obviously love to talk to people about Jesus and my faith. I’ll take every opportunity I can get. But I have learned that when I toss out my agenda and simply love as Jesus teaches me to, I often end up learning more about God than I could have imagined.

And one thing to keep in mind is that we never arrive. Ever. One of the illusions of faith is that at some point we get it all mapped out and things get smooth and predictable. It is not true. The way of Jesus is a journey, not a destination. On a journey, the scenery changes. A lot. We can prepare for some things but not all. We make mistakes, figure it out as we go along, and try new things. Failures are really just opportunities to learn. If you are part of a church, is the dominant understanding of faith in your church that of journey or destination?

I am learning that the church is at its best when it is underground, subversive, and countercultural. It is the quiet, humble, stealth acts that change things. I was just talking to a woman named Michelle who decided to move into the roughest neighborhood in our city to try to help people get out of the cycle of poverty and despair. She was telling me about the kids she is tutoring and the families they come from and how great the needs are. Some other women in our church heard about Michelle and asked her for lists of what exactly the families in her neighborhood need. They then circulated the lists until the found people who could meet every one of the needs. It’s like an underground mom-mafia network. Michelle told me at last count they had helped 430 families, and they are making plans to expand their network.

‘Jesus lives; here’s a toaster.’

These are the kinds of people who change the world. They improvise and adapt and innovate and explore new ways to get things done. They don’t make a lot of noise and they don’t draw a lot of attention to themselves.”

Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell, Movement Seven, pgs. 167-168

Tears

It hasn’t rained like this in a while.

Not outside, and definitely not with me.

But today it poured outside, and this week it poured with me.

I must say, the tears have never quite fallen in the way they have this week.

They have been tears of pain, tears of anguish, tears of exhaustion, tears of surrender, tears of emotion, tears of love.

It has been through these tears that I felt extreme pain in letting go the one I never wanted to in order that we may both be found again.

It has been through these tears that I lost myself to emotion in surrender to God’s will.

It has been through these sobs that I have been held by my sister who embraced me over and over again and wouldn’t let me go.

It has been through the cries of the night that my other sister pulled me out of the miry pit and helped me to rest.

It has been through these tears that I met with my dear brother and his watchful care he poured over me.

It has been through these tears that my dear sisters prayed with authority over me that God’s will be done and His face seen.

It has been through these tears that when I lost everything, including myself, I found so much.

It has been through these tears that God has covered me with His truth and watchful love every moment.

It is through these tears that I cried out to God and He has answered and is answering.

It has been through these tears that I have seen His sovereign sway in ways never conceived before.

It has been through these tears that has aligned my heart to my Creator in a way unlike any other.

And tonight, the tears turned into ones of praise of the One who is unspeakably good…

Right now…all of it, my tears say, and I will cease to speak.

Other than this…

Praise be to Him, the One who never lets me go…

In Light of What is to Come

A newborn cry is heard in the morning
Struggling to breathe in the midst of her tears
She labors all the while, trying to be heard
Not knowing what she needs or wants

There's a fight for her existence, a fight through her pain
Not knowing whether to give up or press on
She can barely see the world around her through her tears
As she struggles through the core of the night

It's beside her to know or ask why
For it's beyond her understanding she can have at the present time
All she knows how to do is simply cry
And somehow hope to be heard

And out of the shadows something emerges
Something penetrates through the sudden burst of light
A pause from the presence of pain
As someone reaches down and pulls her from the dark night

She still doesn't know or understand why
This onset of pain had to occur
But somehow through the depths of the night
At last, her cries were heard

And in this person's arms an overwhelming peace falls upon her
As she surrenders her tears, exhausted, and finds rest
In her daddy's arms, he knows best
Her cares, worries, and needs he can fulfill

The memories of pain begin to fade in looking to the promise of the dawn
Realizing that though the night seems forever long, it too will pass
And what once existed in the night will no longer remain
For the promise of a new day and beginning brings to light
What will eventually come

Who am I to Come?

My 200th post here. Wow.

Written 1-31-07

You say come and rest a while
My yoke is easy and light
Though I will continue to bring you
through my refining fire
there is nothing more than your heart that I require

But I say, “Oh Lord, who am I?”
Who am I to enter into Your presence and be transformed
Who am I to bear the name as Your own
And how do I simply stand still
And just simply come?

I know it is by grace I have been saved
And in You at last I have found my home
Yet You say to work out my salvation with fear and trembling
In that, how do I approach Your altar and simply be?

I know the questions just keep on coming
And those questions are not what You require of me
As You have said, You require my heart
And I need to let my silence speak
Dear Lord, will You do this in me?
Still me so that Your face I humbly seek?

Continued Shaping

I don't have many words to speak of what God has been and is doing in me. I honestly don't know much of anything. But I do know that He is beyond good and faithful and He who began a good work in me will complete it, and this is the road I am on. What a journey it is to find myself in Him...even with the times of brokenness I have never experienced to this extent before. He will and is doing His good work in me. He pursues me like no other. He loves me too much to leave me alone. Oh praise be to Him!!

These three poems seem to describe rather well the journey as of late. The process is incredibly remarkable to go back and read over and see how God has been shaping me and being faithful beyond compare.

1/19/07
You'd hold all the pieces
I feel I don’t bend this way
But You tell me I can
I feel I don’t turn this way
But You tell me I will
I feel I don’t sit this way
But You say it is better

O Lord the things of myself that I know so well
The things I hold fast to as to the way I am
You seem to say “it shall be no longer.”
And I know in my head Your way is so much better
What will it take to get my heart to fully agree
On this road of brokenness and pain?

To walk by faith when I cannot see
To press on though still I weep
Could it be that it is in me Your love is forming
Requiring and end of myself
Could it be that my heart will beat stronger
Though it is consumed by love as I speak?

O Lord, Your refining fire
It smarts, burns, and stings
In this You know Your purpose full well
But I struggle to see
It is difficult, uncomfortable
And at times almost too much to bear
Yet in all this Lord, I know nothing else but to cling
To hold fast that You know me better
The ways I feel, the ways I bend
And You know the frailty of my heart
If it were to break, You’d hold all the pieces
And in Your image, my heart You’d mend

1/25/07
Will I stand once again?
I have found You in the most difficult of times
When it seems like my pain is too much to bear
It makes my strength be gone
Yet my defenses remain
When You have stripped my cold heart bare
I know it’s the work of Your hand
But what will it take for me to finally fall on my knees
And then stand back up and fully praise You again?

I see You in the desolation of my despair
I find You wiping away my tears that come from the source of my sin
I feel You wrap Your presence around my being
Yet I fear You penetrating my heart

An act of desperation makes me cling to Your very presence
And at the end I find nothing of me remains
How do I pick myself up off the ground
Stand on my feet and lift up my hands
Let a song from my mouth escape
And praise You once again?


1/27/07
No Words can do You justice
If I were to speak of Your majesty
No words could fully do You justice
From the sight of the tufts of life poking through the barren ground
To Your clouds dancing across the sky bearing the work of Your hands
From the waves of the ocean crashing and washing my heart
To the half moon resting on its side smiling at me
O Lord my God, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

If I were to speak of Your faithfulness
No words could fully do You justice
From the cries of desperation through tears You heard and answered
To moving this grieved heart to praise You again
From the promises You have spoken and never forsaken
To the sweet amazing ways of those You fulfill
O Lord my God, how much more faithful You are than anyone in all the earth!

If I were to speak of Your mercy
No words could fully do You justice
From the time You walked among me when I was a child
To the day You had my heart and took my hand
From the times I fail You and abandon who You are
To Your grace always washing me anew
O Lord my God, to no other can Your mercy compare!

If I were to speak of Your love
No words could fully do You justice
From the little moments and words shared with those dear
To the amazing gift of You fashioning me for my Beloved
From Your greatest sign of love on the cross
To Your endless pursuit of me still
O Lord my God, how Your love is better than anything I’ve ever known

O Lord my God, to You I will raise up and stand
Open my mouth and sing, to You I lift up my hands
This praise song forming in my heart renewing me again
If I were to sing forever the time would be far too short
Because You are the Lord my God and in You alone
I begin to find myself again

Continued Brokenness

How radically things have changed in the months past and continue to. I was thinking today about what I used to say to people and what I used to write here. I have always used both of those things in a leadership role. However, for this time, God has stripped away all leadership I have and has told me not to take initiative and lead. Simply said, it is difficult and foreign.

I find that changing even in my blogs here. I hope that the change that has come in my writing would be one that reflects the changes God is doing in my heart. It was and is never about me who writes these entries or says certain words. I am not the source of wisdom. I am so unworthy of anything given to me, even this outlet to write such words. It is my prayer that in sharing of lessons God is teaching me as of late that God will speak to you in whatever way He wishes, and that all praise and glory be given to Him. If He chooses to use me, then so be it.

This past week was one in which I experienced the most times of brokenness in a short period of time. God is teaching me what it is to go cry in His arms and let Him wash away every tear. I realized a couple of weeks ago that the brokeness would continue. My heart has been too calloused and prideful for too long, and it is only through the brokeness He brings that it can be reformed and healed. Can I say that I still am learning to be okay with these times and not hate them? I will say that I know they are necessary, and when they are brought about by Him they are even sweeter, though difficult.

Even in the humility God brings can still exist a resistance to this brokenness. I can make myself numb to what He is doing in me. Unlike never before God is bringing me to understand who I truly am. In the penetrating light that He is, I see the areas of darkness in me uncovered. Oh how filthy I am in sin and how I grieve Him in so many ways. Celebration tonight talked about the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and how it fills. I was thinking tonight about how it seemed like I once got it. It seemed there were times I got the idea of the Holy Spirit filling and also experienced glimpses of that. I know there were times in which I was led by the Holy Spirit in radical ways. Tonight I was wondering where that has gone. I still don’t really know the answer to that.

I think back to those times, however, and I look to my heart. Compared to now, I would say it was much more calloused and full of pride. I still keep coming back to the fact that I weep much more easily than ever before. I come to the fact that this heart of mine, all of its walls and self-defenses are so incredibly bare now. Yet Jesus has been restoring much. The anxiety and cares that I did have are going away in His sight. His light is penetrating. He illuminates everything.

I am in love with a man of God whom I certainly don't deserve. This is one area in which God is shaping my heart, in teaching me how to be vulnerable, submissive, and love with a love I have never experienced. When I am with him I find myself gazing upon him and being truly amazed at how evident God is in his life and heart. I find myself loving his little quirks and eccentricites about him in which God has made him unique. I remember the times in which I have failed him and am continually amazed at his endless love and grace for me. I find our relationship giving me such a necessity for God. And above all, I find myself amazed that he is before me in the way he is, and that God has blessed me with a man in whom I can continue to fall more in love with.

But how much more so should that be true for my Dear Savior?

At church today, especially today, when the invitation to receive Christ was given to the audience, at first I was thinking, “here we go again. It seems like we do this all the time.” How quickly God convicted me that my heart was so wrong in this. Have I forgotten that quickly who my Savior is, and who He was on the day I wrote my prayer to ask Him into my heart? Have I forgotten who He has been over the years, and His continued love and faithfulness since? There are times I know I do. Oh how my Dear Lord has not changed since that day. I need to remember that day and time so much more. I need to be just as eager to receive Him into my heart as I was in the beginning. I need to always be eager to know my Savior and desire Him and let His love sweep me abound like no other.

This past week God has been teaching me so much about Spiritual disciplines and discipline in general. I have seen that through His Word that the discipline He gives and the discipline we are to engage in all comes back to our heart for Him. If we truly understood who He is and allowed Him to be that person fully, there would be no hesitation in giving our all to Him. There is no reason that I should not be compelled to do so, except for the fact that I don’t worship Him in the way He deserves and I don’t give my all to Him. I still don’t know who He truly and fully is. I praise Him for being the same yesterday, today and forever. He is beyond good.

Dear Lord, it is my prayer that as Your light continues to illuminate all darkness around me and especially in me, that I would see how set apart You are and truly understand what the meaning of Your love and grace is. Dear Lord, as I continue to come to grips with the fact that I am filthy in sin, let me see and find Your character in ways I never have before. I pray that I would both see who I am apart from You and who I am because of You. I pray that I would above all, continue to see who You are. I pray that You be the Lord of my life. Dear Lord, I pray that I will not shy away from these times of brokenness. I know they are so difficult, but necessary. As Hebrews 12:11 says, our times of discipline and hardships will bring about a harvest of righteousness. Let me look to that as well. Oh Lord, my God, I praise You for being who You are. Thank You. I am so undeserving, but thank You.

Marvelous Light

I rearranged my room the day I got back to SLO from winter break. It is much improved than before. It just feels different, better. What does this have to do with anything, one might wonder? It is strange because I find it is a symbol for what has been happening over this last week.

This quarter is completely different than last quarter in so many ways. It would take forever to explain it in its fullness. I've been struck by a couple things, however. Part of the rearranging my room was moving my bed to a different wall. When I wake up in the morning, I am greeted with the view of the hill outside my room, illuminated in the precious morning light. I woke up on Friday in one of the most worshipful states I have woken up in and it was sweet beyond belief. The light shining in my room seemed to be warmer, richer, brighter, and the sky a deep, vivid blue in contrast with the bright tufts of green grass beginning to emerge from this hill.

The hill in its physicality has not changed, though it is becoming greener. The sky is still the same and the same sun rises every morning. Yet, I view it completely different this quarter. Last quarter this scene would've brought me probably either anxiety or dread at the prospect of getting up for another day. I so miserably failed to see the beauty in each day and realize that God is fully in it and sovereign.

I think it also comes in the wake of Christmas break and waking up to a 5 foot drift of snow next to my window every morning and being met with the harsh elements. Obviously, the weather is a little bit better here.

But it's so much more than that. If I were to leave it at that, I would do God such injustice at what He has done. He has rearranged my life in more ways than one and melted away the snow that left me unable to move. There is a newfound hope and joy He has brought, much like the green grass emerging which brings way to spring. There's been a lot of shifting in my heart, one so difficult but so good. And now the light that once brought anxiety brings hope and a rememberance of His promises. He is beyond good. He is the light, and in Him there is no darkness. The closer I get to Him as I allow Him to pursue me, the harder it is to find any darkness.

Today John and I took a little day trip to Paso and then over to Cambria and then to the shores of Cambria. Oh how evident God is in His creation! I found myself in a rekindled love for the ocean and the hills and all that surrounds me. It spoke to my heart again, and God asked me the question, "Will you always look to me?" Last quarter I didn't. I looked away from Him because I feared Him for all the wrong reasons. Now I realize that there is no way I can't look to Him, for He is my light, my strength, my salvation, the source of love! How can I not look to Him when He surrounds and He is the very breath I breathe out of my mouth, the air that fills my lungs, the joy in my heart?!?

And oh, how amazing it is to not have any anxiety about the future for the first time in a long time! I was planning the classes I need to take over the next three years and was at Spring of 2010, hopefully when I will graduate. Oh, where will I be then? I can only imagine at where God will take me in that time and what He will do! I can't wait! I was sitting with John today and thinking that the best is yet to come...that is hard to believe! Oour mini-adventure gave me a craving for more today, I crave for more of His adventure. It's a journey unlike any other, full of surprises and trials and blessings and lessons and so much more. It will not always be easy but it will always be worth it!

"My lovingkindness I will keep for him forever,
And My covenant shall be confirmed to him.
"So I will establish his descendants forever
And his throne as the days of heaven.
"If his sons forsake My law
And do not walk in My judgments,
If they violate My statutes
And do not keep My commandments,
Then I will punish their transgression with the rod
And their iniquity with stripes.
"But I will not break off My lovingkindness from him,
Nor deal falsely in My faithfulness.
"My covenant I will not violate,

Nor will I alter the utterance of My lips.
"Once I have sworn by My holiness;
I will not lie to David.
"His descendants shall endure forever
And his throne as the sun before Me.
"It shall be established forever like the moon,
And the witness in the sky is faithful."

Psalm 89:28-37

Oh Lord my God

Oh Lord my God
When I think about where I've been
Who I've been, what I've done
I come to grips with myself
As slippery clay at the bottom of a miry pit
The storms of life came but I knew
nothing else to do but to remain.
Oh how wide and deep is Your love and everlasting grace!
For You reached into the depths
of my shapeless, formless anguish
pulling me out of the hell I knew.
Oh how tender is Your care and mercy!
You shephered me into Your arms
Healed the shattered pieces of my life
which I arrogantly bore
Led me beside quiet waters and restored me still
Oh how solid is the rock that You are!
apart from You I stumble and fall
because strong and sturdy are Your foundations
They will surely last for eternity
Oh Lord my God,
when I think about where I've been,
what I've done, and who I still am
I realize my desperate need for Your grace
Your abundant love, the only that fills
the empty void in my heart apart from You
Oh Lord my God,
When I gaze on You and wrap myself in who You are
Surely I must praise, for my heart,
my every breath compels me to sing
to tell of who You are and what You've done
redeeming and restoring even me
and pursuing with a love beyond all others
Oh Lord my God,
surely the Heavens declare Your majesty
the starry host the work of Your hands
Oh Dear Lord, how I pray
that I, fashioned in Your image and bearing Your name
would glorify You and bring You endless fame
All of my days, let this be my heart's cry
for You are the Lord my God
and there is none like You
for You are the Lord my God
and Heaven and Earth shall bow down and worship You.

A Holy Necessity

Oh goodness. It’s hard to believe I am actually sitting down and writing this. I have not felt led to blog for quite some time, at least about what God is bringing me through and teaching me. I now do though.

I have been stripped. I have been emptied. I have been and am going through what has been the hardest spiritual lesson in my six year walk with Christ. I literally have nothing and am nothing. I have no control over anything anymore and very little idea of what is to happen in the future. My life’s strategy of having 5-year plans, analyzing and researching things to death, along with the whatnot is no longer. I am beginning a new major with no idea of what I am going to do with it except glorify God in some way. I am entering a new department with people that right now, I really don’t know how to relate to. I am in a relationship that stretches me in ways I never have been, in not just becoming the person God wants me to be, but the woman He has created me to be. God’s plans for missions in my life may be changing to an extent, at least for a period of time. And the promises Christ has foretold, I just wait in expectancy for Him to reveal Himself through the things He will do.

I have always been rather disciplined in my walk with Christ, and have flourished because of it. I know the necessity of these disciplines such as prayer, reading the word, fasting, solitude, silence, etc., are critical to maintain a thriving relationship with our Savior. However, for a period of time, it simply wasn’t the same. I didn’t get the same things out of it that I once did and I didn’t understand why. I became stuck to say the least. I had moved forward and got to a point where I got stuck as Christ called me deeper and further into dangerous territory I have seldom ventured.

I no longer see Christ just as the docile shepherd I have always seen Him as. I see Him as One fiery and passionate, not asking, but commanding that I give my all to him and follow, no questions asked. He is to ask the questions of me. I see the Jesus that Peter saw on his fishing boat, that after He filled up Peter’s nets, He called him to forsake it all and follow Him. Peter asked Christ to leave his presence for he is a sinful man. There’s a book I have been reading, Your God is Too Safe, and it creates the image of Jesus filled with fiery passion as He commands Peter to follow. Peter had a choice to allow Jesus to leave, or to leave everything he had to follow Jesus. That image of Jesus has scared me and made me uncomfortable. Jesus, the One who comes and fills our own nets, often does so in order that we may see He is the source, and then commands us to forsake it all. I have been blessed beyond anything I can imagine, and so my nets are full, if you will. However, Jesus has come face to face with me and has called me to leave it all for His sake. I am to truly seek out His Kingdom and His righteousness first and foremost and all things will be added to it.

And after this encounter with the true and full Christ, I became Jacob wrestling with God. God touched the socket of Jacob’s hip in order that he may understand that God has full power. The interesting thing is that Jacob was able to wrestle with God; God permitted so. One would think a God who can kill someone with a strike of lightning wouldn’t allow a mortal to wrestle with Him. However, it is through this wrestling with God that Jacob truly encounters Him and realizes that He is the source of blessing. Jacob is left with a limp in order that he may not forget, and gains the new name of Israel because he struggled with God and men and overcame (Gen 32:28). At the beginning of this summer I was fascinated with Jacob for I didn’t really understand him. The book I have been reading talks about Jacob on a couple of occasions. However, as I read it, I thought those chapters were the least convicting. Looking back I realize it was because I didn’t want to face or admit the fact that I too, like Jacob, was wrestling with God and myself.

In this season God has made me more vulnerable than ever before. I have long excelled at putting up walls in my life and not telling people my struggles. I finally realized much of why this is so today. As I was the only Christian in my family for almost 6 years, I didn’t have spiritual accountability and leadership from my parents like others may be used to. I have been the spiritual leader in my family for the majority of the time I have walked with Christ. One thing I have known is I have the tendency to feel I must be strong. Much of that has to do with what my family went through in high school, and because I had the hope of Christ, I was looked to and put in the position to hold my parents and my family together in many ways. However, after talking to my mom about a couple of things this week, I realize my parent’s resolve to fix all of my problems. They lift me up on a pedestal and validate everything I am feeling and going through, whether right or not. I couldn’t take this advice fully while walking with Christ. See, they were and still do live much more for the world than for God. I wasn’t walking in the same path. I know they have the best of intentions and they do it all out of love, but I needed more than they were able to give me. Therefore, I went to my best friend with my struggles and pretty much no one else. I wasn’t in the habit of telling people my struggles because I didn’t want them to give me a quick fix that wasn’t edifying to me. This habit is to be no longer though. God has brought the walls crumbling down time and time again over the last few months. Now He is cracking me open. He is desiring me to be vulnerable with those people in my life, but above all, to be vulnerable to Him. I need to be soft for the shaping, and if I have those walls up attempting to be strong all the time, I will never admit my abundance of weaknesses and needs for Him. I have long succeeded on doing things on my own efforts and including God in it. But that’s not what He wants. He wants to further His Kingdom and include me in it.

With that God has been working and shaping and forming my heart, sometimes in soft, gentle care, and more so with sharp, painful hammer blows. In this I have realized how much I hate being exposed. Sure, I could come out behind the walls and show myself a bit, but the hand would always be on the gate handle in order that I could go back in and hide. I actually have had a recurring dream throughout my life. It is that I am out in a public place and I need to go to the bathroom. So I go, pull down the pants, and sit on the seat to do my business. Yet as soon as I do that, the stall vanishes, and I am stark in the middle of the busiest place, such as a food court in a mall. People walk all around me and look at me wondering why the heck am I going to the bathroom in the middle of such a place, and I try to move and hide, but I am stuck, unable to move. The nightmare of being exposed continues and continues. I always wake up at this point.

I always thought that this was just one of those weird dreams that I’ve had. I’ve even told it to friends as one of those amusing dreams one has while growing up. However, I don’t view it the same anymore. Oh how much fear and anxiety I have in being exposed, and how much I have hated it. To be exposed to that degree reminds me of the ickyness of going to the bathroom in the middle of a food court while others are eating. So I have long since avoided it.

God doesn’t let these matters go. Yes, He has created us and fashioned us into the men and women we are today, but He is not content to leave us as we are. He is the ultimate refiner. It is not acceptable for me to just say that I hate being exposed and that is just how I am. God wishes to stretch me even more. What I may view as being “icky,” the act of being exposed, is the very way in which God will choose to reveal His light to the world, starting with the people around me. I am not to include God in my plans, which would probably be ones of avoiding that level of exposure, but He is including me in His, which means I will be exposed beyond anything my flesh desires.

Such is the war between flesh and spirit. Oh how I know that God knows what is best for me and following Him above all no matter what the cost is more than worth it. Yet, my flesh sees those costs and doesn’t wish to give anything up. It is far easier and more comfortable to remain in the boat and not walk on water. It is much harder to trust Jesus and begin to walk on water, but even harder still I think is walking on water and keeping our eyes on Jesus so that we don’t sink.

I have been remembering this summer when I went on project. Never before have I felt so spiritually alive and seen God move in the ways that He did. The reason for that was that I was constantly out of the boat, out of my comfort zone, walking on water with my eyes fixed solely on Him. Oh how profoundly amazing this summer was. As I left project, I was still walking on water, and I did for a short while. However, after going back to school and experiencing a culture shock of sorts, I tried to continue to keep walking on water but didn’t fix my eyes on Jesus. I began to sink.

I haven’t been trusting Jesus to be the same One who called me out of the boat and invited me to walk on water in the first place. I have never really learned how to let Him minister to me in the fullest. I would try to keep walking on water but I would look to those around me and situations around me and get distracted. That kept my eyes off Jesus and made me sink.

Now as I turn my eyes back to the Jesus whom I fixed my eyes on as I walked on water, I find a different, fuller Jesus than I had before. This began the wrestle with Him like Jacob wrestled. God is calling me to be exposed, vulnerable, have no control, become a woman, submissive, and all these things so foreign to me. I didn’t want this exposure of my heart in which I no longer had control. I wrestled with God in giving this over, in fixing my eyes upon Jesus so I could walk on water again. And in this process, I made an idol out of my relationship with John. It was easier for me to think the true issues with my vulnerability, submission, exposure, emotions, needs, etc., lay with him. I had a bit of control over this, whereas with God all I can do is fully surrender. An idol is so easy to hide behind and I understand why Jesus came into the temple courts raging with anger to wipe those away. Such disgrace they bring to Him. This struggle with God finally became clear as I realized through my actions, I screwed up the one thing in my life I never wanted to. I took it into my own hands and embraced that idol so I wouldn’t have to come before Him just as I am. Like God touching Jacob’s hip so he would know it was Him, God has touched my heart so I will know it is Him. I am left with a strong memory that brings a bitter taste to my mouth of how I took control and screwed up things, and while it might be nice if it would go away, I am thankful it remains. Like Jacob’s limp, it reminds me that God is all powerful and I am not to be in control; everything falls apart when I do so. It reminds me of my struggle with Him and how I must surrender.

It hasn’t been an easy one. Like I said earlier, I feel completely emptied and humbled. I wrote this in my journal a couple of days ago as I was at the World Prayer Center coming before God finally allowing Him to do what He wishes in me. “Dear Lord, I don’t bring things to You in the way that I need to. I have been basically mocking who You are and Your character because I don’t allow You to be who You are to me. I don’t have enough faith for you to be who You are to me. You are the God whom I proclaim to others, yet I don’t let You be that same God to me. I complain to You of the state my heart is in, when I put myself there. I have been looking to the world for its definitions of things rather than to You and to Your word, because it is in that that I think I am okay when I really am not. I wonder why am I hurt and why am I struggling, when I don’t allow You to heal. I have chosen a stagnant way because I won’t let You be who You are. Again and again, I try to carry the pieces and put them together, but over and over again I full and stumble and drop them all. Dear Lord, I claim that You are the Lord of my heart but I haven’t been living it. I have been hypocritical in how I have been living. Dear Lord, I don’t know why You have endless mercy on me, because I don’t deserve it.”

How He met me there...how He has always been there. One thing I understand fully is that it has never been His lack of coming or being there; it has been my choice not to come and let Him be who He is. I am emptied in order that He may fill. I am humbled that I may always remember the roots of who I am, a sinner and in desperate need of God. Psalm 32 has spoken to me greatly in this time. God also reminded me of how intimately personal His pursuit of me is by bringing me back to my snow covered field from a year ago, in which He spoke and showed me how my sins, scarlet blood red, are washed as white as snow, only by Him.

He is beyond faithful. I have everything I could ever need and desire in Him alone. He covers my abundance of weaknesses with His blood.

I am remembering and learning. I am finding a deeper significance than ever before in seeking God. It is not something I am simply to do, but it is a Holy necessity. I sink without it.

God is so gracious and yet so dangerous. As the Chronicles of Narnia state, “He is not safe, but he is good.” He is so good.

I can’t see much beyond the waves of my life right now. I know there are going to be times when the ocean is more still and times when it stirs like crazy. There are going to be times in which it will be easier to walk and focus, and times in which I will be stretched beyond anything, struggling to keep my balance and not stumble. I know that the Jesus who calls me to follow Him—his path is uncertain, but established. I know the risks of walking on water—it is so easy to sink, as I already have. But I have experienced what it is like to stay in the boat and know how spiritually dead it feels. I am as vulnerable as Peter, walking on the water to Jesus. The water is temperamental, fallible, unpredictable. I am exposed to the elements of the ocean and storms around.

But as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus alone…Dear, dear Jesus, with a fiery passion in His eyes and a consuming love in His heart that captures me like no other…I will not sink.

As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus alone...

I will walk on water.

My Lord Jesus

I wrote this while by the fireplace in the mountains and was completely captured by the fact that I can call Lord Jesus mine

There's a different kind of praise
that from my mouth escapes
no longer a touch of bitter but a sweet, sweet taste
My Lord Jesus is here and He has wiped away
this solemn, sullen melody my heart used to make

Rejoice in the presence of the new
The joy in my heart has been renewed
All of my days, let me worship my King
My dear Lord Jesus who came and died to save
There's a new song that I must exclaim

My Lord Jesus, He is the King of Kings
My Lord Jesus, He is the Prince of Peace
My Lord Jesus, He is exalted on high
My Lord Jesus, His name a banner across the sky
My Lord Jesus, the crown of thorns You wore
My Lord Jesus, my filthy sin You doth bore
My Lord Jesus, You came to live and die
to be resurrected and lifted on high
My Lord Jesus, the generations know Your fame
My Lord Jesus, forever will endure Your name
My Lord Jesus, You know my heart
and You love me just the same
My Lord Jesus, my love whom I can call by name

There's a new song in my heart
May it forever ring
May it forever sing
Everlasting praises to You
My Lord Jesus, my Savior and King

Show Me How to Walk

There is so much that weighs heavily on my heart...

Could it be that I am running ahead
Or could it be that I am crawling behind
When you have called me to simply walk?
I see the beginning of the path you have laid
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I look to you, my saving grace
And pray You will show me to walk in the way You desire
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so
I desire Your holiness and fullness above all else
But I keep looking around
I don’t know how to count all but loss for the sake of knowing You
And not leave any severe ramifications behind
So foreign is everything You are calling me to do
Nothing is the same
You have called me to trust in You and let You ordain
And I know I have not fully surrendered
I fear You.
I fear what You will do in the full surrender
I fear the unexpected and uncertainty of walking by faith
I am not to feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders
I am not to bear the sins of others
For that is what You came to do
How do I shun this responsibility that I’ve always bore
And have no worries that You are more than sufficient for bearing it all?
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so.
I am lost and fully alone without You to guide my heart
Without You to light my path
I see the beginning of this path
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I cry out to You, my everything
And pray You will show me how to walk this road

Memories, Images, and Glimpses

I know what it is to run and I know what it is to hide
I know what it is to hurt and I know how it is to cry
I know what it is to fail and I know how to retreat inside

But these are memories of a distant life

I know what it is to trip and I know how it is to fall
I know what it is to stretch and I know how to call
I know what it is to hold on and I know what it is to surrender my all

But these are memories of a passing life

I know what it is to speak and I’m learning how to be still
I know how it is to be empty and I’m learning how to be filled
I know how to trust in God and I’m learning to surrender to His sovereign will

Yet these are images of a present life

I’m learning not to be in control and I will learn to fully yield
I’m learning of His healing and I will learn that it will consume me still
I’m learning to fall in love and I will learn the deepness of His love that completely fills

Yet these are images of a future life

I will learn what it is to go and I will see His people returned
I will learn what it is to worship and I will see a love that burns
I will learn what it is to be His and I will find a passion that yearns

And these are glimpses of eternity

Won't You Give In?

You dream of things bigger than life itself
Yet come to find that life has let you down
You lift your hands in desperation
Only to find that in your misery you drown

I can see that you’re beginning to look at the light
I can see that the truth is washing you inside
I can see a man beginning to surrender
Surrender his whole life

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Your arguments that once were aplenty now are few
The resilience in denying is beginning to fade
You are beginning to accept the cost of love itself
You’re getting a touch of endless grace

I can see that you’re no longer condemning
I can see that you know you’ve tried
I can see a fire beginning to stir so deep
So deep inside

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Bridge: Look to His face, be washed in the marvelous light. Hold your breath, you’re going deep inside. Out you will come washed clean, and there you will see. In His face, endless grace, love such a mystery

Audience of One

You know...I was going to blog tonight. But it is not the question of whether or not to blog, I find it to be who am I writing for? Am I writing for an audience of One, or for many?

I am not supposed to answer those questions tonight. God is quiet in His love, and I will rest in Him, as I have been. It's sweet. It's simple.

Even in the midst of thoughts, that's how it should be. I will rest in Him alone, and let my quietness speak until and if He dictates otherwise.

He alone is worthy, and He deserves my audience. Praise be to Him alone.

"14 Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! 15 The LORD has taken away His judgments against you, He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst; You will fear disaster no more. 16 In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: "Do not be afraid, O Zion; Do not let your hands fall limp. 17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. 18 "I will gather those who grieve about the appointed feasts-- They came from you, O Zion; The reproach of exile is a burden on them. 19 "Behold, I am going to deal at that time With all your oppressors, I will save the lame And gather the outcast, And I will turn their shame into praise and renown In all the earth. 20 "At that time I will bring you in, Even at the time when I gather you together; Indeed, I will give you renown and praise Among all the peoples of the earth, When I restore your fortunes before your eyes," Says the LORD." Zephaniah 3:14-20

View from Above

Oh Lord, my God, You reign forever
In the highest of heights and depths of the sea
Your love envelopes my heart
Like a blanket of fog embracing the mighty oceans
From the peaceful hues of blues to the penetrating crimson red
Your majesty is displayed for all to see
The hills roll on while the seas roar on
While still humbled by your splendor
Oh Lord my God, You are in Heaven
And I am but a mere speck on earth
Your presence moves me beyond comprehension
Stirs up my heart into one of praise
Therefore I will bow down and worship you
And humble my heart so my words may be few
Oh Lord my God, there is none like You

Roots

"Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust, and ashes. Yet suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinace, wherby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest to me to desire no more than what Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven taught affection, willingly gave me, what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh, and nothing more.

Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking; for so it was told of me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed, (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible,) then I was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and, that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have shwen me better than my nurses who knew it.

And lo! My infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies; for before the foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called 'before,' Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou has created: in Thee abide, fixed forever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable; and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, all pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? Was it that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that i have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? And what before that life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?

I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs, wherby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? Or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? For Thou thyself art supremely essence and life. For Thou art most high and art not changed, neither in Thee doth today come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldes them. And since Thy years fail not, Thy years are one today. How many of ours and our father's years have flowed away through Thy today, and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the mold of their degree of being. Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, thou has done today. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, 'what thing is this?' Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not discovering to discover thee, than by discovering not to discover thee."

St. Augustine's Confessions 7-10

Carrying in the Silence

So Won't You Let Him Carry You
I can feel the pain of your soul in anguish
Fighting so hard against the truth
And into your desolation you sink further deeper
You lie there in the shadows, covered by a robe
In the darkness you linger still

You've heard that grace is knocking at your door
You find yourself empty looking for more
You can hide inside as long as you desire
But look at yourself, see you're weary and tired
And if you won't open the door now
Would you take a look through the peephole and see who is waiting for you?

In Christ alone can all things be found
He is abundant for every want and need
In only Him can peace be found
He is more than enough if you will choose to see

So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away from the depths of your angst
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you from the presence of your pain
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away?


I wrote these words as I was in the emergency room with one of my friends, Kalen. The Spirit poured from me as I wrote, describing everything I was feeling during that time. As I felt part of his battle as he slept while letting the pain medicine kick in, I found myself amazed at what people go and put themselves through without Christ. I have not been as exhausted as I am now in a very long time. This is what he has been going through day in and out. I pray that he will surrender and find in Christ a peace that can only be found in Him. It's so hard to watch him keep fighting and refusing grace.

And overall, I find myself so utterly thankful and in praise for what God is doing and how faithful He is in every aspect. He has answered every prayer in the best way. I look back to the past couple of months and realize I missed the ways He was faithful because I didn't choose to look. He is faithful over and over again. I am so utterly blessed. I don't have to go on this road that we call life alone; I have Him by my side!

I praise Him for this newfound simplicity in my life. My words are becoming much fewer. That is good. It is due time for me to be quiet and let Him work! All praise and glory go to Him, and it has nothing to do with myself. That is so good. After all, as my friend Paul puts it, I am a "foolish, frivolous, and forgiven failure found-in-Christ." I like it that way. God is in Heaven, I am on earth. I will let my words be few.