Lessons from Yosemite Part 2: The End of Self

After having a couple of days to think about the hike I took last week, I'm able to see it from a fresh perspective. Praise God that He opens my eyes because I wasn't.

Going into Friday's hike I was utterly exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared for the hike by any means. I was thinking about the valley metaphor, and how in the valley there are many different trails to choose from; yet there are some we are predestined to take. God strongly leads us there, and does so for our own benefit. That's how this trail and hike was for me. I didn't choose it, but I was supposed to be there for the things God would teach me in that time.

The day was very hot and we didn't have enough water. We were all sweating profusely as our bodies tried to cool themselves down. I felt sick at the beginning and my muscles didn't take long to get tired. All of these things seemed to point to this hike not being a good idea for me personally, and yeah, my attitude reflected it too. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be doing that hike. I wanted to sit in a meadow with flowers and take pretty pictures and admire this face of granite we were climbing to the top of from afar. I wanted a day of rest. I got exactly the opposite of that. As we were climbing to the top, I was talking with God telling Him, "this isn't what I bargained for." He reminded me of this quote I read from Jim Eliot a couple of weeks ago: "the will of God is more than we bargain for, but we can trust that it is always good and always perfect." How true that is. I decided to at least try to push myself, and most of all, not ruin the day for the other people with me.

We stopped for lunch and Elise and I were content to stop at that point and not climb higher. We had our fill. For a little bit, we all agreed until John wanted to go to the top. Slowly, we all agreed to go with him. About 3/4s of the way up, John shot off to the top and Kyle and Elise and I died. We were out of water and cramping up. We went back and forth between going all the way to the top or waiting for John to come back down. God provided us with water refills with the people coming down and we decided to go to the top, and finally made it.

I was exhausted upon reaching the top. I spent seemingly all of my energy just to get up there and then I knew we still had four miles downhill to get back to the car. We were just halfway done. I was dehydrated as my muscles cramped up and the thought of actually jumping off the top was rational to me. I was not fully there. I tried to drink in the spectacular sights of the valley but the thoughts of how exhausted I was kept filling my mind. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for getting down because I knew it would not be an easy task.

After about a half an hour at the top, we began to venture down. It was slippery with the dirt on all of the granite and every step needed to be taken cautiously. My knee had stiffen up while at the top and wasn't wanting to cooperate with coming down. We stopped a few times and my legs were shaking. I just wanted to get down at this point so the hike would be over. We stopped at the stream we saw on the way up and decided that we didn't have much to lose in filling up our water bottles and drinking it. God provided with that immensely.

As we got to the bottom half of the hike, it got a little easier as the end was somewhat in sight. The trail wasn't as difficult, and we were walking alongside one another which helped greatly. We finally got to the bottom and walked in the valley back to our car. Looking up at what we had climbed to the top of brought me both awe and hatred at the time. It was really cool that we all got up there together and got to share in that, but at the same time, I was hating myself for agreeing to do it. I knew I wasn't up for it. It was more than I bargained for.

Since walking on that valley floor, we went back to Kyle's house and then back to SLO and I then flew home to CO. Since, I have been flooded with memories and lessons of that hike that I couldn't obtain at the time. The sore muscles and joints reminded me of what my body went through at that time. The water I drink reminds me of the dehydration and how it was the source of life, the living water. The pictures remind me of the sweet fellowship I had on the hike, both in my sister walking alongside me and my brothers leading and pushing me. And over and over again, God uses this hike as a metaphor for so many of the things I have been learning over the past couple of months...

I had to come to the end of myself. This hike forced that. Of course, I did it very begrudgingly and let my flesh overtake me and fight against the surrender. But there was a point of sheer exhaustion of fighting for my limits to be held and God breaking them down that broke me. I could fight no longer.

People have commented to me before that I know myself well. My bible study leader last summer admired that as I was able to have limits for myself, such as knowing when the time for fellowship and when the time for quiet was. This is not a bad thing. However, it's not a good thing either, because sometimes I know and hold onto these limits so tightly that I don't allow God to stretch those, to make me stronger.

This summer...?

So many of my limits have been stretched. God has been refining me and moreso, training me for what is to come. How can the fullness of God be reached when there is any part of me in the equation? God has surely been answering the prayer I prayed a while back that there would be nothing of me and everything of Him. Not an easy end to come to.

Yet, what happens when the end of self is reached? I have been finding that there's something so beautiful in the surrender. God never tires of waiting for us, and that's something I have a hard time comprehending. If I were Him watching myself in this long process eventually ending in surrender, I think I'd tell myself something such as, "it's about TIME!" Thankfully God is in no part flesh like me!

I can't begin to tell of how refreshing coming to the end of myself is. God's able to move in ways I didn't allow Him to before. What He's done in this short time is incredible, and I'm able to see Him in it all. Him, whose plans are so much bigger than my own, whose strength is so much stronger than mine, whose love is so much fuller than mine...How beautiful it is to not find self but to find God in His fullness!

And everyday, I must take up the Cross and not myself. Everyday must continue to be a surrender fully to God and a casting aside of self. What better motivation do I have than tasting and seeing of the One who is infintely good?

Yeah. It's worth it.

Sovereign Lord

Beaten, broken, beyond my control
Cast aside this pursuit of self that has rotted me for long
Surrender one by one, knees then hands then face to the ground
The taste of the dirt shows that the end of self has come
What better can I find than Your hands around my life
Holding everything I’ve dropped or ceased to let go before
How beautiful is being found in You, my Sovereign Lord

Can I say the flittering of my heart is like the leaves in the wind
Moved by the Spirit’s breath and rooted to the source
The night is past and the morn has rose
Your flood of light penetrates me so
How can I keep this heart of mine from singing
Revelation come to bring you praise
Sovereign Lord, I fully find You in this place

It is You to whom I wake
It is You upon whom I wait
It is Your cross of which I take
It is Your life that I embrace
It is fully You, Sovereign Lord, in this place

Lessons from Yosemite Part 1:The Valley

There's many things that God did in my trip to Yosemite that speak clearly to many things He's been teaching me as of late. I am going to touch on them at different times; therefore, this is part one.

The voice of God speaks in so many ways...as I write I am sitting up in the mountains back home in COlistening to a stream crash down over rocks and flow. The voice of God telling me to quiet down and prepare my heart...there is much to process and pray about, which will come soon.

Yet the past couple of days I can't get out what my best friend Elise was telling me while we were up at Yosemite this weekend...

She and I along with John and Kyle went to Yosemite Friday and did a hike. I learned many things from it, but I wish to focus on this right now. Our hike was beautiful and brutal at the same time. Going into the day, I was exhausted in many different ways. The hike we ended up doing was a ~2700 ft elevation gain in 3.5 miles. I was not prepared for this in any way...physically, mentally, and emotionally. We started out looking for the trail for a while and then when we found it, began to trek up it. Switchback after switchback came and we continued to climb. The heat of the day came and it scorched us every time we were in the sun, and seemed to rub in my face that I was utterly weak. Elise and I were content to stop halfway where we had lunch, but John wanted to go to the top so we all ventured up with him. Many times I was hating myself for not saying no. We got to the top after a long while and took in the views of the valley below and the mountains parallel with our eyes. And then it was time to head back down. Pretty much all of my strength and willpower was used to get to the top. I was drained, and the prospect of heading down was daunting, especially with my knees that can't take a whole lot anymore. Through the strength of God and the encouragement of those around me, I was able to make it down without hurting myself. We walked along the valley floor looking up at what we accomplished. In hindsight, I am able to appreciate it much more than I did that day, thanks be to God. He revealed and did so much in that time...

Later on that night I was talking with Elise about what we learned that day. God poured forth wisdom through her as I saw a truth for the first time. She spoke of principles and metaphors we have heard before, but saw it in a new light.

In our realization that our spiritual lives are a constant of climbing and descending, trekking and resting, she spoke of how when we are on mountaintops, the sights are beautiful and we are on a high. We are able to see things from the perspective of God and attempt to drink in His splendor. But if we are to stay on the mountaintop for long, we will surely die from the elements. Our bodies are not able to withstand such things; we can only do so temporarily. God allows us to trek up to these mountains for what He can show us and do in those times, but we so often neglect the valley. We so often think that when we are in the valley, we are not where we are supposed be, or that we should be on the mountaintop, at least higher. But without the valley, we never understand or comprehend what the heights truly are. A mountaintop would be nothing without the valley below. There is purpose in both. As she and I walked back to the car and talked, we looked up at the summit we reached, realizing how high we had truly gone. Without the valley, we never would've been able to comprehend it as such.

The valley shows us both what we have done and where we have been, along with what we are to prepare for and where we are to go. God is with us to the heights of heights and the depths of seas and in the flatness of the valleys. We can't always climb and we can't always descend, and we can't stay on the mountaintop forever. Yet we can always walk through the valley knowing full well our God is with us...and that the valley is crucial to us. It is through those times we are able to be restored and refreshed and prepare for what is to come next. We can find God just as near to us in the valleys as on the mountaintops, even though the perspective is different. We can't neglect the importance of the valley...

In a lot of different ways I am in a valley of sorts. I'm looking around and all that I've been climbing and descending, able to comprehend and see where it is I've been. I've been climbing and descending for a while, and my body and soul needs its rest...to find rest in God alone, for He is my strength and refuge. Walking in the valley for this time will draw me ever nearer to Him...and I'm not going to neglect the importance of this valley in this time.

The Need of Lack to Understand Gain?

"But now I am going away to the one who has sent me...there is so much more I want to tell you, but you can't bear it now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not be presenting his own ideas; he will be telling you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by revealing to you whatever he receives from me. All that the Father has is mine; this is what I mean when I say that the Spirit will reveal to you whatever he receives from me. In just a little while I will be gone, and you won't see me anymore...Truly you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy when you see me again. It will be like a woman experiencing the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives place to joy because she has brought a new person into the world. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. At that time, you won't need to ask me for anything. The truth is, you can go directly to the Father and ask him, and he will grant your request because you use my name. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy..." John 16: 5, 12-16, 20-24

I encourage all to read this entire chapter, as it fills in the gaps I didn't include here. I'm struck by many different things in this passage...

The disciples didn't seem to fully realize what they had in Jesus until He told them he was going to leave. I find myself thinking about how we are as humans and how we are exactly the same as the disciples today. We don't realize the fullness of something or someone until we have a lack of him/her/it or it is gone. Our eyes and hearts are blinded when we have things or people in our midst in the search for what is better. We forget so much to look at what we have in the present in our search for something better.

I find it interesting that over and over again, Jesus had to tell his disciples he was leaving but in that, reassure them that He was coming back and it would be better. They wanted the comfort and security of Jesus around. Jesus knew it was far better for them if He left them because they would learn to grow and receive the Holy Spirit. Jesus leaving opened up the path between mankind and the Father; without His leaving and fulfilling His mission, this would not be true.

Since reading this passage, I've been asking the question of why does one have to leave in order for those who know that person to realize what they have in him/her? Why do we have to have such lacks in order to know what we have? I wish we could open our eyes in the moments we live and experience and fully embrace what they possess...that in each moment, instead of looking for something different and better, realizing what we have and pursuing the development of that. We fail utterly at that, and it must go back to the root of mankind. The disciples struggled with it just as we do.

I look at how the disciples had to lose Jesus in order to find Him again and find Him more abundantly so, and I think perhaps this is His remedy for our flesh, His divine intervention in showing us what we truly have. We have to weep and mourn at what we have personally lost in order to gain something greater. Through the grace of Jesus, that weeping turns to joy...

We also have the power of Jesus on our side, His redemption that opened the path from us to the Father. I find myself thinking about what do I truly ask for from the Father in the name of Jesus. I realize that with some things for some reason, I have not prayed for them in specifics. Perhaps I felt it "taboo" or something to pray for these things specifically, but I must possess the confidence in my Father in Heaven that He hears whatever it is I ask for, and that I can ask for anything in His name. Anything less than that would not be exercising the gift of my salvation and His saving grace. So often I do not have because I do not ask. We are able to approach the throne in confidence that He hears us...I need to remember that not just in the things that are easier to ask for, but in all things.

So with that tonight, I find myself asking that we as believers would open our eyes to what we have in our lives at the present time. Let us be thankful for them. Let us not be satisified with mediocricy or stagnation in them, but always pursue them to make them better. Jesus is on our side. Let us go to Him, and go to the Father through Him, never hesistating to ask.

In Wonder

So much wonder
carved in your coral seas
shaded by ancient trees
I consider all that your hands have made
Every newborn's eyes, every new sunrise
No power can tame your presence
No light can match your radiance

Let all creation sing in wonder
Every sea, every creature, every star
You opened my eyes to wonder
What a vision, what a wonder you are

Such a wonder
Ordering time and tide
Such a wonder
Bridging the great divide
I consider all that you had, all that you gave
And all that You endured
From this rebel world
What a wondrous cross you chose to bear
What a wonder you would even care

Chorus

Let every rock cry out
Let every knee bow down
You opened my heart to wonder
What love, what a wonder You are

No power can tame your presence
No light can match your radiance
Such a wonder...
Such a wonder...

Newsboys: "In Wonder" 2006.

The Way of the Cross

"The will of God is always a bigger thing than we bargain for, but we must believe that whatever it involves, it is good, acceptable, and perfect." -Jim Elliot

"So many purposes come into existence when one works the will of God, that there is no excuse for laziness or wasted time. He is redeeming our lives, as well as our souls." -Jim Elliot

I've been reading The Shadow of the Almighty for some time now, and every time I read it, God speaks clearly through it, either bringing something new or confirming something else. What wisdom Jim Elliot possessed, and what an intimacy with the Lord he bore.

I've been incredibly humbled over the last two days or so. I look at my God and myself and I see how holy, just, and loving He is, and what filth I am. In some ways, I've felt like a dog with his tail in between his legs, looking up at His master waiting for the sign of love and forgiveness only He can give. The thing is, I know He's given it...however, it's been hard for me to receive it. I look at myself and see how unworthy I am and I ask God, "why? Why do you choose me? Why do you love me in this way?"

His will is so much bigger than I bargained for, as Jim Elliot says, but I know that it is good. There are so many times when I fail and fall short. I keep coming back to the fact that humility is making nothing of yourself and everything of God...and I praise God for that fact. I praise Him that through these past couple of days, He may be magnified...that I may see His sovereignty in every way.

It's not about me. It never was and never is and never will be. All the filth of me has been paid by the way of the Cross. All of my weaknesses are made perfect in His strength, given by the way of the Cross. And in all my shortcomings, His grace is magnified in the light of the Cross.

He is faithful in every way I am not. He redeems and restores things that I have dropped the responsibility of carrying. He picks up my cross for me where I have laid it down and tells me to follow Him. His path is steady though uncertain. He asks for my devotion. He asks for my love. And He asks for my belief in Him in every way-that He has redeemed me, forgiven me, and will lead me onwards, pursuing eternity and His Kingdom come from this day forward.

I get overwhelmed by His presence in my life, because He's not just some person far off in the distance to whom I can never get closer. He's the One in whose arms I rest and fall, whose voice I hear, whose love I feel, and whose strength allows me to stand and walk again. My God is not impersonal in one bit-He is altogether intimate! There is no place I can go from His presence; He is always with me.

And there are so many purposes in living in the will of God, purposes that I cannot accomplish on my own and that I know have a tremendous impact...and surely, my flesh will fail me in doing so. May I always choose to go to my God for strength, wisdom and clarity. May I always believe and walk on the way He's prepared.

It is by the way of the Cross I find myself again tonight, humbled, needing to receive what I have not earned. The way of the Cross has paid my ransom...and I must take it as such.

The Eve of Seven Years

I've kept rather quiet as of late, I know. But I would rather not be hasty with my mouth and instead let my words be few before my Lord, and also to let my words be few with others. There's such a beauty in choosing one's words carefully; in other words, being silent until/if God prompts one to speak.

And besides, God has spoken..."I am the LORD," he says, "and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so no one can understand what I mean. And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and right" Isaiah 45:18-19.

I remain in such perfect peace with this promise of my God. I know He will never leave nor forsake me nor disappoint me. How great is the hope of those who wait on the Lord. He surely renews their strength.

I see so many things before my very eyes as well as promises of what is to come. With those promises, I already see things being manifested. Or perhaps hear things being manifested is a better way to describe it! And oh, I feel them too.!

There are so many times when I'm completely taken aback by my God and His power and love. There is none like it. No one nor nothing will ever compare. I know He is faithful and will remain so. I know that all the work He is doing and will do will be fulfilled. I see it in the hearts of so many around me as well as in my own. Oh how my Lord desires to make Himself known!

As for tonight, it is the eve of my seventh spiritual birthday. Tomorrow I will be seven years old in the Lord. That age comes with so much significance, I know, but I haven't been able to pinpoint it down yet. What I do know is that the time periods of seven days, seven weeks, and seven years appears more than any other quantitative time period in the Bible. The stories, references, and commands including such are countless. And you know, I rejoice in the fact that I don't completely know what the exact significance is of the seventh year just yet. That's good, because it leaves me in anticipation for what my God is going to do! I know His time is not for any of us to know, but I know this seventh year will be significant...much so.

It's been seven years of walking with Him in a life restored in unimaginable ways. It has been seven years of being able to praise my Creator and Savior...and I have eternity left to sing His praise!

It seems it’s the end of a time for a new to come

A slumber in the night to awake in the morn

Only to find that all has been restored

In what would be seven years, no less, no more

Seven years of redemption in the Lord

The Boy Born Blind-The Girl Born Deaf

I want to invite you all to share in what God is doing in my life in hopes that it will bless and challenge you as well. What is written below is a result of a lot of prayer and discernment in what to say and tell. It is my prayer that God speak to you through this.

In His grip,
Elise Bartley


The Boy born Blind
As Jesus went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world." Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. "Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing. His neighbors and those who had formerly seen him begging asked, "Isn't this the same man who used to sit and beg?" Some claimed that he was. Others said, "No, he only looks like him."
But he himself insisted, "I am the man."
"How then were your eyes opened?" they demanded.
He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." "Where is this man?" they asked him. "I don't know," he said. They brought to the Pharisees the man who had been blind. Now the day on which Jesus had made the mud and opened the man's eyes was a Sabbath. Therefore the Pharisees also asked him how he had received his sight. "He put mud on my eyes," the man replied, "and I washed, and now I see." Some of the Pharisees said, "This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath." But others asked, "How can a sinner do such miraculous signs?" So they were divided. Finally they turned again to the blind man, "What have you to say about him? It was your eyes he opened." The man replied, "He is a prophet." The Jews still did not believe that he had been blind and had received his sight until they sent for the man's parents. "Is this your son?" they asked. "Is this the one you say was born blind? How is it that now he can see?" "We know he is our son," the parents answered, "and we know he was born blind. But how he can see now, or who opened his eyes, we don't know. Ask him. He is of age; he will speak for himself." His parents said this because they were afraid of the Jews, for already the Jews had decided that anyone who acknowledged that Jesus was the Christ would be put out of the synagogue. That was why his parents said, "He is of age; ask him." A second time they summoned the man who had been blind. "Give glory to God," they said. "We know this man is a sinner." He replied, "Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!" Then they asked him, "What did he do to you? How did he open your eyes?" He answered, "I have told you already and you did not listen. Why do you want to hear it again? Do you want to become his disciples, too?" Then they hurled insults at him and said, "You are this fellow's disciple! We are disciples of Moses! We know that God spoke to Moses, but as for this fellow, we don't even know where he comes from." The man answered, "Now that is remarkable! You don't know where he comes from, yet he opened my eyes. We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly man who does his will. Nobody has ever heard of opening the eyes of a man born blind. If this man were not from God, he could do nothing." John 9:1-33

The Girl Born Deaf
From the time I was about a week old, I have had a severe-to-profound hearing loss in both ears. It is all that I have ever known. And though it is tempting to give you an autobiography of sorts to explain my life with this disability, I don’t think that is really the point of God moving me to write this before you all. My life up to this point with a hearing loss has been one of struggles and challenges as I am not able to hear as the world does. It has been one of overcoming all obstacles placed before me with such a disability. It has been one of a stubborn nature birthed within me to do things on my own, regardless of any challenges I may encounter. It has been one of God ordaining and blessing relationships I have been able to develop because of and in spite of my hearing loss. It has been a road in which God has led me into a deeper, sweeter communion with Himself as I have learned to hear what He says, not the world. The whisper of His voice has been sweeter than all of the distorted noises of the world I’ve been able to hear through the help of hearing aids. And above all, my life has been one such as the boy born blind before Jesus healed him; a life in which God has been able to glorify Himself by displaying His strength in my weakness, my inability to hear.

Until about a year and a half ago, I had never thought of the possibility of not having a hearing loss. Sure, it was a dream I could dream but seemed impossible to come true. How could this void that I have always had be filled was a question I always had. My answer was one of fully accepting and embracing my hearing loss, seeing it as a challenge to overcome.

Until a year and a half ago.

It started out in the midst of a difficult winter quarter, both academically and spiritually. I was learning so much about what it meant to rely on God and His power alone and not on myself. It was a time of falling on my face repeatedly as I tried to live life on my own strength instead of trusting God to lead me and sustain me. So many questions riddled my mind at this time, as I was venturing into a deeper relationship with God that I never had before. Slowly my eyes began to open. And suddenly, my ears began to hurt. A lot. At first I thought it was an ear infection or something, though I hadn’t had one of those in years. Something mild that could be fixed with antibiotics didn’t seem too bad. After all, doctors had always come through for me before. But then I began to have even more difficulty hearing in the midst of it. I struggled immensely to carry out my daily activities that involved communication and comprehension. And the pain continued. I remember one night it was so bad that my roommate almost took me to the hospital to see what was wrong. During this time, I saw two different otolaryngologists (ear, nose and throat doctors) and they never found anything wrong, not even signs of an ear infection. I went to an audiologist and had a hearing test performed to make sure I wasn’t losing more hearing, and that wasn’t the case either. Nothing wrong was found.

Yet I knew better. I knew myself well that there was something wrong. I couldn’t ignore the pain that I had in my ear seemingly constant, at times more severe than others. I knew the difficulty I was having in hearing. And during this time when no answers were coming as to why from medical doctors, I turned my prayers to Jesus. I asked Him for what purpose this was happening, and why no one was finding anything wrong. I asked Him why I was going through such a thing that didn’t make sense. It was such a journey of asking questions and trying to understand. Through that time I realized my dependence on doctors and people in this world for answers before I turn to Jesus. Instead of letting Him bring answers through various people, I depended on them above all else. I had made idols out of doctors and medicine, and when they weren’t able to “fix” what was wrong, I didn’t know what to do about it.

But He spoke as He always does. I hadn’t been hearing it. God had to remind me of one of the reasons why I have had this hearing loss-so I may hear Him better-through this pain and difficulty with my hearing. I began to listen. And listen. And listen more. I turned my eyes and heart to the Word of God to see what He would say through that as well. And over what would be probably the time period of a month, it all became clear.

Much like the boy born blind, I am the girl born deaf.

We were both born in order that God’s glory may be shown in our lives.

That is through disability, and that is without disability. For with disability, we have the opportunity to rely on Him heavily and see His strength made perfect in our weaknesses. People are able to see what God can overcome. And it is also without disability. Through that, we see the healing power of Jesus to make our infirmities go away. We understand that there is no other who can do this besides Him. And it is through that His strength, mercy and love become incredibly tangible in our own lives and have a ripple effect to others. It is through things such as this that we understand He is the Lord, and there is no other.

I remember the night in which I was up at a church in Denver over spring break and the boy born blind was the sermon for the night, and I remember weeping as I seldom have before. “You would do this, O Lord? You have always used it, but You want to use it more? You wish to take it away? I see now that it has always been for Your glory that I have had this hearing loss, but how I will hold back Your future glory if I choose not to let You heal me…”

I saw clearly that night that He is the one who sees me. He is the one who hears me. And He is the one who wishes to heal me.

That was a turning point. God had spoken, but would I choose to trust? Would I choose to believe? Would I have faith and not fear?

Such has been the lesson over the last year through so many different things. I went from a time last summer having full faith and confidence in God on summer project to a year in which I wrestled with my faith in Him like never before. I learned what it was to fear God to some degree, but then I let that fear paralyze me. I went from these different extremes of being apathetic to so uncertain of so many things though I knew I could never forsake my faith. It was a year in which God stripped me of everything in order to build me back up again solely in Him. It was one of the hardest years I remember. In every aspect of my life and my heart God continued to ask me “do you trust Me?” The question was as simple as that, but the answer was far harder to find. There were things in my heart that God brought to light that I never knew existed before. I saw scars that I didn’t know were there and I had to let God heal them. But above all, I had to trust God in every aspect. Simply trust Him.

I have been reading through the Gospel of Matthew since January. It has been a book that has taken a long time to get through because God has spoken through every aspect of it. It is the Gospel that focuses heavily on the aspect of faith, and how faith is necessary in all things, including divine healings. While the whole book has spoken to me greatly, I wish to include the parable of the mustard seed in Matthew 17:14-21.

When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. "Lord, have mercy on my son," he said. "He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples, but they could not heal him." "O unbelieving and perverse generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me." Jesus rebuked the demon, and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Over this year I finally understood what the true meaning of this passage was. Many people take the aspect of the mustard seed in relation to faith to be one referring to faith as something quantitative. However, faith is not quantitative. We either believe God or we don’t. We either trust Him or we don’t. There’s so often this middle ground that we allow ourselves to be in thinking “well, I do trust Him with some things, but these, I’m not so sure about.” That’s what I had been doing for far too long. Our faith is to be qualitative, believing God either capable of doing insignificant things or believing him to be capable of doing astounding things. There were so many areas in which I thought I trusted God because I trusted Him a little bit, but really, I didn’t trust Him at all.

This truth revolutionized my faith in making that question simple. I either trust Him or I don’t. It was a choice I had to make over and over again, and still continue to.

I write this before you now saying that I can answer that question today that I fully trust Him. In every aspect of my life He has shown Himself more than worthy of my trust. I understand that my God is for me, not against me.

Countless things have happened in the last month or so. Since the end of the school year in particular, God has been revealing Himself in ways I never would’ve expected.

Even now as I write this, I ask myself the question, “how can I even begin to describe what He’s done?” What He’s done is infinite in every aspect, and I fear that I do God injustice by trying to explain it all. In fact, I do. It is my prayer that He will enlighten your hearts as you read this and account for my lack of ability to describe it all.

As soon as I got home to Colorado from school ending, my family and I headed down to Taos, New Mexico for a family reunion on my dad’s side. We do this biannually, and it has always been a highlight for me. My dad has four brothers and sisters and with that come countless cousins and aunts and uncles for me. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend with them every time. It is lighthearted and deep at the same time. However, this time around was so different for me. I struggled immensely with communication and comprehension in an arena I used to do so well in. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t remedy the situation, and so with my family I became apathetic to communication with them. I felt isolated in my own silent bubble cast upon me by my hearing loss. With God, however, I became desperate. I cried out to Him that I was incredibly frustrated and grieved at this fact that I was “alone” because of my hearing loss. I remember writing probably a month prior to that time that no one understands me fully but God. No one understands fully what I go through but Him. How true that resonated over those few days.

I realized through that time that I had always been nonchalant about the fact that God is capable and willing to heal me of my hearing loss. I treated it as a matter of “cool, if it happens; if not, that’s cool too.” I remembered all of the accounts of healing I had been reading over the past 6 months in Matthew and how not one of them were nonchalant about it. They recognized their infirmities to the full and also recognized Jesus’ healing power in it all. They cried out to Him and came to Him earnestly, in full faith knowing that in His name and power they were healed. How much I had been lacking in this aspect. For the first time I understood what the meaning of being desperate for the Savior’s healing touch meant.

It meant understanding my full weakness and how apart from God there is no remedy. It meant surrendering my own strength and gaining His. And above all it means asking in earnest for Jesus to be my healer and open up my ears that have been stopped my entire life.

The next step in this past month’s journey came in the form of a conversation with a fellow hard-of-hearing woman at Kate’s (my boyfriend John’s sister) wedding reception. My parents had been sitting at the same table as her throughout the course of the night, and it was the orchestration of God’s hand that made it so. They engaged in conversation I know little about, as I was sitting at a different table for the night. During that time, I got the urging from God that I needed to go talk to my parents and check in with them. I proceeded to do so and they said that they had been having a wonderful conversation with the Grinstead’s friend who has cochlear implants and is also a teacher for the deaf, and asked me if I would talk with her as well. Of course I accepted. I’ve had countless conversations like this over the years, as the community of the deaf/hard-of-hearing is small and somewhat intimate. We are able to understand each other’s common struggles better than those hearing can. I was talking with her and her husband as well as my parents and she was telling me of how she lost her hearing when she was 20 years old, and got a cochlear implant at that time. A few days before the wedding, however, she got a second one. She is also a teacher of the deaf. She spoke of how the cochlear implant has changed her hearing and her life. We talked about many things, and my mom in particular brought up the fact that as a parent of a deaf child, one wants to have all the knowledge in the world in order to make the right decision for his/her child. One wanted to have the right answer. That point seemed reiterated over and over again.

As I remained silent during this time and listened, it was a new realization to me that Jesus is the right answer. He was the answer I kept looking past over and over again. Jesus is the answer.

So often in our culture, especially in America, we make idols out of doctors and take what they say to be the defining answer. We forget to ask God what His answer is. God has appointed and gifted doctors and the medical profession; however, we run the risk of making them the answer and forsaking the One who has blessed them with the knowledge to do what they do. I realized that much like when I first had the pain in my ear, I can’t look to doctors alone for the answer. I must look to Jesus, and if He chooses to bring the answer through a doctor, so be it.

But I must look to Jesus alone.

I think of the boy born blind and how when the Pharisees questioned him for the answer of who was it that caused him to see, he first says that it was the man named Jesus that did so. When asked again, he says that He must be a prophet. When he was asked last, he declares He is the Son of God. He realized that for Jesus to heal Him, He must be God. It was a process of faith I believe in the boy realizing and owning the fact that no ordinary man can do works such as the one He did. It is divine.

Jesus is the answer.

There was an awesome thunderstorm when I was home, one like no other I had seen before. The lightning flashed over the mountains in the midst of this firery sunset. I was attempting to capture pictures of lightning since I had never been able to before. Surprisingly, that wasn’t the point of the night J. I stood out there for a long while watching this storm and seeing the lightning, yet hearing no thunder. It was bizarre, because Colorado has these thunderstorms that rattle the walls of the house. I stood there watching as it began to rain and asked God, “I know it’s the time for healing. Now will You show that through Your thunder?”

The thunder came along with pouring rain and the lightning expanding over all of the visible sky. The storm lasted for 6 hours. A long storm for Colorado Springs, not one I had seen before. I sat in awe for the rest of the night seeing what had happened as I asked in faith. God desired to show Himself to me, and did so in the most amazing way…it was so personal to me because I love these lightning storms so much. I even tried to climb on the roof so I could see it better! John texted me a passage later on that night and I read it the next morning. It spoke this: “Father, bring glory to Your name.’ Then a voice spoke from Heaven, saying, ‘I have already brought it glory, and I will do it again.’ When the crowd heard the voice, some thought it was thunder while others declared an angel had spoken to him. Then Jesus told them, “this voice was for your benefit, not mine” (John 12:28-30). I meditated over this verse throughout the day and realized that God spoke through that thunderstorm in order that I would know that He desires to show His glory and answer prayer. It was for my benefit, in order that my faith would increase.

And since that day, I am able to see God as the God of that thunderstorm…unspeakably beautiful and glorious, willing to give all good gifts.

A process of faith growing happened throughout that week. Many things happened, but I will not speak of them here and now, for there is more to be said…

The last Friday night I was home I went to this college service called the Mill at New Life that I have been to many times before. John was with me that night as well. The Mill is awesome-a great group of people with a great pastor and great worship-or so I was told about the worship part anyways. Honestly, I didn’t like the musical worship part much at all. It was incredibly heavy on the bass and muddled the voices of the vocalists, making it all this one big jumbled noise that I couldn’t decipher anything out of. I usually sat through it and listened, perhaps tried to sing if I could understand it. Usually it was me in silence.

Until that night.

I had been realizing that I listen on my own strength and efforts. It tires me greatly because of it. From lip reading to trying to decipher auditory information, it is a strenuous effort. I am exhausted at the end of each day.

And that night I decided to ask to hear through Jesus’ ears and not my own. His ears are perfect and mine are not. I decided to surrender my own efforts of listening and allow Jesus to make the sound clear to me.

It came slowly at first, when it seemed like the music sounded a bit different. I actually heard a strain or two. I continued to pray. I continued to receive. I received the gift of my ears being opened for a bit of time during the worship in which I heard some of the most beautiful music I have ever heard. I heard every little piece of it, every note from every instrument intertwined with one another making this beautiful composition. I couldn’t move as I was captured by the sound of it and the fact that my ears were unstopped; I could hear clearly. It was through the ears of Jesus that this was possible.

And I began to experience the fact that He desired to make His ears perfect in my own. It was unspeakable.

It was that night that I realized all He had spoken in the past had already begun.

His desire and willingness to heal me was being manifested and would continue to be.

Amazing grace.

How sweet the sound.

How incredibly sweet the sound.

Since that night, the journey continues. My ears have been opened at other times as well, such as when I called upon the elders of the church to pray with me in faith that I will be healed. God continues to teach me incredibly much about Himself and my life with Him. Jesus is showing me His heart and character, and it is through that, not His ability to heal, that He desires to heal me.

He loves me that much.

I have been learning to declare and praise Him in the fact that He is my healer and in Him I am fully healed because I have asked. I have also learned that I must continue to persist in prayer until I see His will manifested here.

I have been learning to have a resolve in trusting Him above all things. When I get scared or begin to doubt with this as well as any aspect of my life, it is because I am taking my eyes off of Him.

His perfect light and perfect love casts out all fear.

And one might ask, “what does all of this mean? How is this to be shown?” I don’t have a definite answer for that. What I continue to believe is who God is, what He’s done, and what He’s spoken through His Word. With that, I believe He has clearly spoken that He is willing to heal me of my hearing loss. And I firmly believe that He will.

It could be in different ways, but I expect nothing less than the greatness of God to be manifested in this.

Yet above all, there is an even greater purpose. God has also been asking me what will be my heart’s response in every circumstance, with or without healing. Will I still praise Him, even if I am afflicted with this hearing loss for the rest of my life? What is my heart towards Him? God cares about our hearts infinitely more than anything else, and if I were to neglect that, I would be missing out on so much…

And through all of this, I find my heart’s response to be one of, “Yes Lord, I will praise You no matter what.” See, I have fallen into a deeper love with my Savior like never before. I am learning so much, and that is sufficient for me. With healing or without healing, still I will praise Him.

I could never fully explain all that has happened in this process. My words will always be inadequate for such things.

I sit still often thinking about how I have gotten to this point. Over and over again, I come back to the fact that it is not me at all. Much like the boy born blind, I did not choose God, but God chose me in order that His glory may be shown.

And I believe the main reason I am writing this is so that God may also ask you:

“What is your heart’s response?”

I Give it All

From the depths of my heart
From the eyes that were blind
From a love grown hard
From a life only mine

I give it all away

To a love deeply alluring
To sights my eyes now behold
To a heart fervently beating
To a life only Yours

I give it all to You

Can I stand and sing my praise
To You give my heart away
I want all of You my Lord
And I’ll give all it takes
To run to the ends of the earth
Declare Your name for all it’s worth
I want all for You my Lord
And I’ll give all it’ll birth
Lay my life down at Your feet
I’ll sacrifice all of me
I want all for You my Lord
And I’ll it give all it needs

I give it all away

These ears made perfect in Your hands
Upon which the rock I will stand
As I hear like I’ve never heard before
Let the cry ring out across the land
This voice made perfect in Your cry
Upon which I breathe the breath of life
As I sing like I’ve never sung before
And reveals Your brilliant, perfect life
This heart made perfect in Your love
Upon which I set my sights above
As I worship like I’ve never worshipped before
And it’s all for You, all for You my Lord

I give it all to You

Prelude

I have very little to say tonight except the prelude is now. The beginning is here. The sun has appeared over darkness and is bringing all to light. And in that warmth, in that glow, there's a love indescribable as I am head over heels for my Savior, my all...oh how He is worthy of all my praise!

A Web of Truths

My mind has been a jumble of so many things the past couple of days. It has seemed like a lack of clarity but I now understand that it's a web that is crazily intertwined of all the things I have been learning as of late. The thing is, there is no way I can untangle this web on my own. I find myself going along this web and seeing all of these different things I have learned piece by piece and honestly, don't know where I have been learning these things. It's weird in a sense because I feel that I haven't been seeking out specific things necessarily, but have moreso been an open mind and heart for God to speak into.

I find my head filled with knowledge that would usually scare me out of my mind and my heart filled with a faith and trust that has never been there before. Over the past couple of days I have been asking the question, where did it come from? There's really only two answers to that question: of me or of God. I know it's not of me. It's like I was telling Elise the other day that I could never put myself here. No amount of seeking and climbing and striving could get me to this point of faith and trust that I am at. I am completely and utterly inadequate. It's as if God has put me and anchored me to this rock that He is, not allowing me to move. He truly is the rock on which I stand, because without Him, I would not be standing at all.

There's this anointing and preparation that God is doing that truly transcends all words. I am not yet to speak of what this preparation He is doing is. I'm amazed at what happens when we truly read the Word of God and understand its truths, God's character, and the promises made. There is a special anointing that happens when believers do that. Unfortunately, it is rare. We skim over truths that perhaps make us uncomfortable and try to form a God that serves us best, by picking and choosing which things to believe and interpreting things incorrectly. The Bible is not meant to be this way. When I opened my eyes for the first time at the book as a whole, I saw that it is a big picture with all these beautiful details. We must see it as that though, that it is completely whole; nothing may be added or taken away from it.

I find this anointing happening upon me because of choosing to believe these truths and also because of circumstances God has specifially placed me in during my life in order that He may be glorified. I see some of the things that are to happen now and I do see God protecting my heart and mind a bit in this. If I were to know, I would probably distinegrate at the knowledge of that power in those things. I have an understanding, but it is limited. I have this excitement, but it is curbed. I have this extreme fear and uncomfortableness, but it is resting in Jesus. Again, it is solely Him.

And I have been sitting here over the past couple days wondering why I am in a position such as this. It's like I understand to a point, but I don't either. Right now my world is so utterly silent and lonely as He folds me into the intracacies of His love and His plan for redemption of the sin of unbelief. It's a reality I am facing in the fact that no one, not one, fully understands. No one that I know has ever been in a position similar to the one I am in. I praise God for the people in my life that so willingly and lovingly listen and pray for me. It is indeed strange however to speak of these things and them not having much to say in response. I find myself isolated in so many aspects right now, and that is strange.

I also find myself being completely stripped of everything I am and all strength I have. I find more and more each day that I am living purely on His strength and not my own. Some days are better than others. Some days I am completely filled with energy and joy in His presence and other days I am drained by this uphill journey He has me on. I never have realized before now how much I have truly relied on myself. Elise was telling me that this book she is reading about Humility by Andrew Murray speaks that humility is not making little of yourself, it's making nothing of yourself. That's pretty intense. Again, I would never put myself here, but God is...

I find myself only able to surrender to all that He is and all that He has. I rest firmly in the fact that He has covered me with His love and presence. I know I have more and more to surrender that continues to come.

I am so utterly inadequate, but all I am able to say to what God is speaking to me of what is to come and what it is I am to do is "okay." I accept this, and will do so wholeheartedly. I am learning what it is to truly lay my life down at the cross in order that He may be glorified. I can't be selfish, this life is not my own. But in all of this, He is the giver of good gifts, and I know greater gifts and blessings are to come. I just can't fully wrap my mind around those yet.

And I leave here tonight admitting that it's not me at all. I don't come here and write this in order to glorify myself and the anointing that God is doing. For some reasons God has placed me in this position and all that I have really done is be willing to respond. He has done the rest. He always will.

It is only our unbelief and lack of surrender that holds us back from what He has. Let us be compelled by our love for Him that these things would change.

I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name--the name you gave me--so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. "I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. John 17:6-19

No Longer Daddy's Little Girl

It’s my last night at home of the two weeks I’ve been here. It has definitely flown by and so much has happened in these past two weeks. I am not to speak of some of those things yet. But something else has happened that I didn’t expect to see or realize. I come to write of it now because there is an amount of closure that needs to happen here.

I’m not really in the process of “growing up” anymore, at least in the sense we know of in being children in our parents’ household. I’ve grown up.

It was an unexpected conversation with my dad today that brought me to see this. My dad and I, especially in high school, were incredibly close. We would talk for hours about anything and everything and it was always him that I went to with a question about life. The time was so incredibly sweet because he and I weren’t that close when I was much younger. I was a mama’s girl then. My dad used to be the one that I was a bit uneasy in talking to because I didn’t know how to relate to him. He was my dad, tall, strong, big, and intimidating, though I always knew he loved me. That rift ceased to exist as I got older, and the time I spent with my dad was precious to me. It still is.

However, when I went away to school, things began to change somewhat. There was a rift there again a bit. He and I are not one to talk on the phone or email in the same way that we talk in person. We are huge on that quality time spent with one another, as we would sit on the couch right next to each other and talk for hours. I only saw him every couple of months, and though we had some time, it would never be the same again. The rift has been much more significant over the past few months. We struggle to talk to one another on the phone and it always seems to end awkwardly.

Today we made a point to spend time with one another and he brought up the question of why there was a rift between us, and our answers were very different. However, I believe each bears truth. I spoke of him distancing himself from me. I don’t see him taking the same initiative as he used to do. I was thinking about when he would come home when I was in high school, he would immediately start up a conversation and I would fall into it eagerly. Now he comes home quietly acting like he’s in his own world or he’s waiting for me to make a move. It’s awkward trying to lead your own dad, and it’s not a role I necessarily feel comfortable with. Therefore, I haven’t done a whole lot in responding. My dad spoke of how I’ve grown up and I don’t need him in the same way anymore. Many of the roles he used to play are now filled by John. In some areas where I used to look to him for leadership I now look to John. I never really had a boyfriend in high school, and so I was always his. He never had to share. He spoke of how it’s a natural thing and it’s not bad; just something we need to be aware of and not let the rift continue to grow.

I remember over Thanksgiving break when my parents came out to California to spend the week, and John came with us for a day. It was great, as time spent with all of them always is. Around sunset, I went on a walk with John. I remember watching a football game with my dad and John after that. I was pretty miserably sick that day, and found myself putting my head on John’s shoulder for comfort. That day was a marked change. That’s one example of where I used to look to my dad I now look to John.

I was at Kate’s wedding last week and I remember watching her and her dad and seeing how the bond was still there as daddy’s little girl, but it was different. Kate was no longer going to her dad’s arms but to Chris’ first. It was a beautiful thing to see and watch as her dad let her go, but still remained steadfast in love and devotion to his little girl.

Yet, it’s a weird thing, this letting go…God has spoken to me that there are some areas I need to let go with my dad in order that His good work may be done in him, and also in my life. I am never to forsake the relationship with my dad, but I am to let go quite a bit in the present because God has a lot of preparation to do in him for what is to come. God is going to rock his world, and He will see the light of Jesus. He will see, turn, and repent and be wrapped up in His arms. Through that, our relationship will be restored and be edifying in a way it has never fully been able to be before. I can’t wait to see that happen and what God will do through it.

At the same time however, I have grown up. I am not the same little girl I once was. I will not marry my dad and spend the rest of my life with him. That role is reserved for the most wonderful man I know besides him. There’s this natural order of life that when it hits you, seems hard to admit it’s happening to you, but it’s there. I will always be my dad’s daughter, but I’m no longer his little girl.

I’ve grown up. I praise the Lord that in the midst of all of this change He is the constant…how He is my life, light and salvation. All these things are momentary compared to Him.

It is there that I have closure, and it is in Him that I will rest.

Oh

boy.

Here

we

go.

The God of Glory is in Our Midst

I don’t think there has ever been a time when I’ve come to write just like this. But I feel God moving me to. You see, I am outside on my covered deck at home in CO where I have been watching a thunderstorm for the past hour, and it continues to grow stronger and stronger….

It all began when I was eating dinner and watching a movie with my mom and I saw the watercolor wash of the sky as the sunset began. The dark clouds loomed overhead bringing the presence of an impending thunderstorm. I couldn’t not go outside. As I went, I saw lightning flashes begin as they started over the mountains, perfectly set against a bold, colorful sunset. I set out with my camera determined to get a picture or two of the lightning on the mountains. These moments seem so few in my lifetime now. It was such a challenge to get a picture when that was my goal. When I began to surrender the purpose of getting a picture and just observe God’s majesty before me, things started happening…

You see the pictures on here that I did capture. Let me tell you, that is nothing compared to what I see now. Then it was just over the mountains, here and there, a clean bolt, relatively easy to guess the timing. There was no thunder and it painted so much beauty. Since that time, however, I have ceased trying to get the perfect picture. The skies are lighting up all around and above me wherever I can see. As I set in to my covered deck, I asked God why I wasn’t hearing any thunder with this lightning.

The thing is, God has been showing me that the time is now for some specific things. Some radical, unbelievable things that will showcase God’s power for all to see. I told God that I know now is the time, for He has shown me so. I asked Him to further confirm and show that through thunder. Well, the thunder hasn’t stopped…and just now as I typed it, roared as loud as it has all night.

We have for far too long ignored God and His power or haven’t been willing or able to believe that He bears that power. The power to heal. The power to change. The power to renew and restore. The power that is so indescribable just as I can’t describe to you in words the thunder that I hear roar now.

I just had to move inside. The rain has begun to pour. Quite ironic, don’t you think, as I begin to speak of God’s power? It’s been looming above like thunderclouds waiting to be released…and now the time is here.

We have been in disbelief and ignorance for far too long. Just as God is displaying his splendor now, it has always been there. We have lacked faith grossly.

I come before you all tonight to declare that my heart has changed. This thunderstorm is a confirmation. My unbelief is no longer, for my eyes and heart have been opened by the living God who makes Himself known to all who receive. I see that Jesus is the only answer to all of life’s questions, and I set out tonight acting upon that truth. I see that doubts and insecurities are a mask of our unbelief of who God is and not believing the truths about Him. I see those masks still ever present in the people around me. The people who attempt to answer their questions and satisfy their desires with other things besides the one answer-Jesus.

Have we not seen that mediocrity doesn’t get us anywhere? We have been trudging along in it far too long, not allowing the living God to reveal Himself to us. Look at the lightning and hear the thunder-He is before us, a God in our midst!

There are many things that are coming for me to speak of soon, but for tonight, God is leaving me to say this:

Awake from your lack of faith.

See His glory and power.

Know that Jesus is the answer, the only answer!

Faith

Faith in God is not about the knowing, it’s about trusting Him in the not knowing. If we knew, we would have answers, not faith. Answers take the place of something so critical, our faith. It is our faith in who God is that holds us as we go through the process of being sanctified, refined, renewed. With full knowledge, we would miss out on so much. If we find ourselves concerned with answers, it is because we truly lack faith in who God is.

I'm Amazed...

I'm amazed at the refining that God can do in a short time.

I am also amazed at Satan's power and how he preys on us.

I'm amazed at this God of mine who pursues my heart endlessly, no matter how fickle or selfish it has been and can be.

I'm amazed at what He can do in the course of nine months, even three weeks.

I'm amazed at how wretched a sinner I am.

I'm amazed at His redemptive work within me.

I'm amazed at the level of fear that once lived within me.

I'm amazed at how He ordains things so perfectly.

I'm amazed at the blessings He gives unabashedly when we don't deserve them at all, and how he keeps on giving.

I'm amazed with the intricacies He creates our hearts with and knows what makes them beat fervently and what makes them pause.

I'm amazed that He knows every tear we've cried and is the giver of all joy that we have.

I'm amazed at this God who somehow deemed me worthy to send His son to die for me, and who has given His Holy Spirit to live within me.

I'm amazed at the fact that I can see and understand in part what the future holds, yet at the same time, have absolutely no idea.

I'm amazed at the gift of prayer in which we can deeply commune with Him.

I'm amazed by so many things...

Things I have seen...

Things I am seeing...

And the fact that I have seen nothing yet.

It's my God that leaves me

Simply amazed.

An End and a Beginning

I title this An End and a Beginning for many reasons...one being that it's the end of my second year of college and beginning of summer (duh), another being that it's the end of a certain kind of writing and beginning of another, and mostly that it's the end of a season in my life and the beginning of another.

I was in the car today with my family driving from Colorado Springs to Taos, NM for a 3 day family reunion on my dad's side. I found myself so overwhelmed at God's goodness and faithfulness as I looked back on what He's done and what He's doing and where He's leading. Driving down to Taos today , as well as in Colorado right now, everything is flourishing. I not only saw the visible flourishing but the flourishing in my heart that I haven’t seen and felt in quite a long time. I find my heart and mind overflowing with so many different things to say. To be in His presence is so good. So good. With this, I find this past winter passing and such a beautiful summer coming.

The ice of my heart has been melted, the one that dripped tears all of the time as God thawed it out over this year. Now the moisture or tears that I now cry come as a result from above. I saw this today as we drove...unspeakable majesty as the thunderclouds built up over the mountain ranges, deep blues and greys and more. The rain began to fall but it was peaceful, simply an overflow of what has been built up from above. The rain only makes things flourish more, causing the grass to remain green and wildflowers to bloom.

I think back to when I was home last, with the three blizzards and how that described my spiritual state so well at that time. There were so many storms within my own heart that I simply didn’t know how to recover from. It would die down for a period only to rage again and never fully melt in between. Like the snow physically took a long time to melt, so did the ice in my own heart. The sun shined after the storms to begin the process but it would take some time…

My dad said today that the 10 year drought we've had in Colorado is over. The reservoirs are finally full again and the rivers are flowing very highly. There are no more watering restrictions like there have been for so long. No more restrictions, an overflow...How beautiful it is to see that time of lack has passed and I have moved onto the season of growth…that the flowers are popping up, rivers are flowing, and life is flourishing, every mark of the Creator obviously shown. How I reside in a peace and overwhelming joy that used to seem like a distant memory. How I long to never cease praying to and praising my dear Lord who has fully and beautifully redeemed...

No one but Him

I've been so incredibly scattered and seemingly out of it lately. I even sit here tonight unable to fully grasp where I am and what I am doing. I am fully unable to sustain myself; instead, I am being sustained by the Sustainer of life. There's a newfound simplicity amidst newfound complexity right now...a paradox I am unable to explain at this time.

The end of the year is upon me and I sit here in my room just as I am before my Creator. I sit here and realize there is much I am not supposed to grasp just yet. I can't take it all in...

But what I can take in is that I am to be in the presence of my Father all the time...He beckons me into His arms. I come to somewhat of a harsh realization tonight in realizing that it has been no one but Him that has brought me through this year and taught me what I've learned. There is no other credit or praise due to anyone but Him. He has been the ultimate ordainer, but above all, the preserver of my heart...

No one but Him knows what I've been through. No one but Him knows fully what I've been taught. No one but Him knows fully my desires; He created me with them. No one but Him fully knows what's best for me. No one but Him fully understands what it is I am doing. No one but Him knows what refining and reworking in my heart has happened this year. No one but Him fully knows my struggles and pulls me out of them when I am unable. No one but Him knows every single tear I've cried, for He's counted them all. No one but Him knows what fully brings me joy, for He's the creator of such.

No one but Him fully knows me, fully understands me...

I say this not to minimize the people He's placed in my life, but to magnify His presence in my life. Without Him, there is nothing...I am nothing. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to explain who I am, my struggles, my desires, my thoughts, etc., when there is no one but Him who will fully understand. I know the reason that I attempt to explain is that I desire for people to know me, to dive into who it is I am that God has created, to discover the mystery He has placed within. I know there is no one but Him who has placed the levels of depth within me as He has. Those levels within even daunt me at times. But I wonder what it will look like when/if someone attempts to discover what lies within...

There's no one but Him who has made me who I am today. There's no one but Him who will refine me into who I will be.

And I wonder if we often avoid levels of depth with people because we are afraid to get a bigger picture of our Creator's deeper workings, more intricate refinings and shapings...

But until that question is answered, I will rest in this...there is no one but Him in whose presence I can fully reside; who knows me full well, and sees me for who I am and what I will be and displays His love all the same. Simply...

There is no one but Him.

A Season of Change, Regeneration

I wrote this first poem on the first day of November. It came back to my mind this morning when thinking over this past year and what has been done. God has fulfilled what I wrote back in November in such beautiful ways, and I felt compelled to rewrite the poem in light of today. The November one is first; the June one is second.

The morn' of November

A crisp chill lingering in the stillness

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration

Old leaves fall and the new ones will come

Yet it's all in its own time

Ordained by the Creator of all

One must be tossed and turned about

Eager to escape its stem, root of life

But ever more, must cling stronger still

Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?

Or do we desire a rebirth

A regeneration

Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend

In this season of winter to come

Finding a new joy in the creator of all

The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass

On the brink of the revival of spring

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration?

June 9, 2007

The morning of June
A warm breeze breaking the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
The leaves have come and the flowers push forth
Yet it was all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One has been tossed and turned about
No longer eager to escape its stem, root of life
For it is through that living water has been found
We are no longer so adamant to hang on to what is dying
For we have seen the rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms in full presence and hearts mended still
After this season of winter has passed
We have found a new joy in the Creator of all
The morn’ of November and season of winter has soon passed
We have entered into the revival of spring
And we feel the season of change
A regeneration

Not to be Served, but to Serve

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

"But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." Matthew 19:30

"Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. "What is it you want?" he asked. She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" "We can," they answered. Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father." When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:20-28

I've been thinking and praying a lot regarding serving lately. It's come up countless times through conversations, scripture I've been reading, and opportunities I have. What I've been realizing is a simple truth but one so important that I neglect it at times.

It's easy for me to serve those whom I love, those closest to me in my life and most important. It is through the love I have for them that is the source of the desire to give my all for them and do what I can.

And there are others that when opportunities come to serve them, I feel more a sense of obligation to do so, rather than the same joy that I feel with those closest to me. I sometimes don't take those opportunities I have to serve them; other times I do, but with an attitude of heart that can be described as a mix between prideful and begrudging.

What is wrong in this is that Jesus must become greater and I must become less. When I truly see others and life through His eyes all the time, then my heart will be changed for those around me, reverberating with a love that is only of the Creator God. Out of that, how can I not help but be compelled to serve and give my all to those around me?

Our culture says that we should only look to other's interests when we can benefit from them in return. As Christians, we are to be radically different from the culture's crooked ideals. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. If the One most High would humble Himself in that way, we have no reason not to do so ourselves. Why do we not see more people on their knees washing feet, taking on the lowly servant position? We do not work for a status in this world...our utmost desire should be to glorify our Savior, and we do this by denying ourselves and our own selfish nature and look around, outside of ourselves. The opportunities are countless to serve. But is our love great enough to compel us to do so?

He must become greater, I must become less. Through this...it is possible, if we turn our hearts and are willing to let His love be manifested in us in a way we could never do ourselves.

Through this simple truth I believe and pray that the eyes of the world around us will be changed when they see Christians acting in the manner of the One whose name they bear, the One whose truths they preach, and the One whose love they claim to have and share.

Are we willing?