Prelude

I have very little to say tonight except the prelude is now. The beginning is here. The sun has appeared over darkness and is bringing all to light. And in that warmth, in that glow, there's a love indescribable as I am head over heels for my Savior, my all...oh how He is worthy of all my praise!

A Web of Truths

My mind has been a jumble of so many things the past couple of days. It has seemed like a lack of clarity but I now understand that it's a web that is crazily intertwined of all the things I have been learning as of late. The thing is, there is no way I can untangle this web on my own. I find myself going along this web and seeing all of these different things I have learned piece by piece and honestly, don't know where I have been learning these things. It's weird in a sense because I feel that I haven't been seeking out specific things necessarily, but have moreso been an open mind and heart for God to speak into.

I find my head filled with knowledge that would usually scare me out of my mind and my heart filled with a faith and trust that has never been there before. Over the past couple of days I have been asking the question, where did it come from? There's really only two answers to that question: of me or of God. I know it's not of me. It's like I was telling Elise the other day that I could never put myself here. No amount of seeking and climbing and striving could get me to this point of faith and trust that I am at. I am completely and utterly inadequate. It's as if God has put me and anchored me to this rock that He is, not allowing me to move. He truly is the rock on which I stand, because without Him, I would not be standing at all.

There's this anointing and preparation that God is doing that truly transcends all words. I am not yet to speak of what this preparation He is doing is. I'm amazed at what happens when we truly read the Word of God and understand its truths, God's character, and the promises made. There is a special anointing that happens when believers do that. Unfortunately, it is rare. We skim over truths that perhaps make us uncomfortable and try to form a God that serves us best, by picking and choosing which things to believe and interpreting things incorrectly. The Bible is not meant to be this way. When I opened my eyes for the first time at the book as a whole, I saw that it is a big picture with all these beautiful details. We must see it as that though, that it is completely whole; nothing may be added or taken away from it.

I find this anointing happening upon me because of choosing to believe these truths and also because of circumstances God has specifially placed me in during my life in order that He may be glorified. I see some of the things that are to happen now and I do see God protecting my heart and mind a bit in this. If I were to know, I would probably distinegrate at the knowledge of that power in those things. I have an understanding, but it is limited. I have this excitement, but it is curbed. I have this extreme fear and uncomfortableness, but it is resting in Jesus. Again, it is solely Him.

And I have been sitting here over the past couple days wondering why I am in a position such as this. It's like I understand to a point, but I don't either. Right now my world is so utterly silent and lonely as He folds me into the intracacies of His love and His plan for redemption of the sin of unbelief. It's a reality I am facing in the fact that no one, not one, fully understands. No one that I know has ever been in a position similar to the one I am in. I praise God for the people in my life that so willingly and lovingly listen and pray for me. It is indeed strange however to speak of these things and them not having much to say in response. I find myself isolated in so many aspects right now, and that is strange.

I also find myself being completely stripped of everything I am and all strength I have. I find more and more each day that I am living purely on His strength and not my own. Some days are better than others. Some days I am completely filled with energy and joy in His presence and other days I am drained by this uphill journey He has me on. I never have realized before now how much I have truly relied on myself. Elise was telling me that this book she is reading about Humility by Andrew Murray speaks that humility is not making little of yourself, it's making nothing of yourself. That's pretty intense. Again, I would never put myself here, but God is...

I find myself only able to surrender to all that He is and all that He has. I rest firmly in the fact that He has covered me with His love and presence. I know I have more and more to surrender that continues to come.

I am so utterly inadequate, but all I am able to say to what God is speaking to me of what is to come and what it is I am to do is "okay." I accept this, and will do so wholeheartedly. I am learning what it is to truly lay my life down at the cross in order that He may be glorified. I can't be selfish, this life is not my own. But in all of this, He is the giver of good gifts, and I know greater gifts and blessings are to come. I just can't fully wrap my mind around those yet.

And I leave here tonight admitting that it's not me at all. I don't come here and write this in order to glorify myself and the anointing that God is doing. For some reasons God has placed me in this position and all that I have really done is be willing to respond. He has done the rest. He always will.

It is only our unbelief and lack of surrender that holds us back from what He has. Let us be compelled by our love for Him that these things would change.

I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name--the name you gave me--so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. "I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. John 17:6-19

No Longer Daddy's Little Girl

It’s my last night at home of the two weeks I’ve been here. It has definitely flown by and so much has happened in these past two weeks. I am not to speak of some of those things yet. But something else has happened that I didn’t expect to see or realize. I come to write of it now because there is an amount of closure that needs to happen here.

I’m not really in the process of “growing up” anymore, at least in the sense we know of in being children in our parents’ household. I’ve grown up.

It was an unexpected conversation with my dad today that brought me to see this. My dad and I, especially in high school, were incredibly close. We would talk for hours about anything and everything and it was always him that I went to with a question about life. The time was so incredibly sweet because he and I weren’t that close when I was much younger. I was a mama’s girl then. My dad used to be the one that I was a bit uneasy in talking to because I didn’t know how to relate to him. He was my dad, tall, strong, big, and intimidating, though I always knew he loved me. That rift ceased to exist as I got older, and the time I spent with my dad was precious to me. It still is.

However, when I went away to school, things began to change somewhat. There was a rift there again a bit. He and I are not one to talk on the phone or email in the same way that we talk in person. We are huge on that quality time spent with one another, as we would sit on the couch right next to each other and talk for hours. I only saw him every couple of months, and though we had some time, it would never be the same again. The rift has been much more significant over the past few months. We struggle to talk to one another on the phone and it always seems to end awkwardly.

Today we made a point to spend time with one another and he brought up the question of why there was a rift between us, and our answers were very different. However, I believe each bears truth. I spoke of him distancing himself from me. I don’t see him taking the same initiative as he used to do. I was thinking about when he would come home when I was in high school, he would immediately start up a conversation and I would fall into it eagerly. Now he comes home quietly acting like he’s in his own world or he’s waiting for me to make a move. It’s awkward trying to lead your own dad, and it’s not a role I necessarily feel comfortable with. Therefore, I haven’t done a whole lot in responding. My dad spoke of how I’ve grown up and I don’t need him in the same way anymore. Many of the roles he used to play are now filled by John. In some areas where I used to look to him for leadership I now look to John. I never really had a boyfriend in high school, and so I was always his. He never had to share. He spoke of how it’s a natural thing and it’s not bad; just something we need to be aware of and not let the rift continue to grow.

I remember over Thanksgiving break when my parents came out to California to spend the week, and John came with us for a day. It was great, as time spent with all of them always is. Around sunset, I went on a walk with John. I remember watching a football game with my dad and John after that. I was pretty miserably sick that day, and found myself putting my head on John’s shoulder for comfort. That day was a marked change. That’s one example of where I used to look to my dad I now look to John.

I was at Kate’s wedding last week and I remember watching her and her dad and seeing how the bond was still there as daddy’s little girl, but it was different. Kate was no longer going to her dad’s arms but to Chris’ first. It was a beautiful thing to see and watch as her dad let her go, but still remained steadfast in love and devotion to his little girl.

Yet, it’s a weird thing, this letting go…God has spoken to me that there are some areas I need to let go with my dad in order that His good work may be done in him, and also in my life. I am never to forsake the relationship with my dad, but I am to let go quite a bit in the present because God has a lot of preparation to do in him for what is to come. God is going to rock his world, and He will see the light of Jesus. He will see, turn, and repent and be wrapped up in His arms. Through that, our relationship will be restored and be edifying in a way it has never fully been able to be before. I can’t wait to see that happen and what God will do through it.

At the same time however, I have grown up. I am not the same little girl I once was. I will not marry my dad and spend the rest of my life with him. That role is reserved for the most wonderful man I know besides him. There’s this natural order of life that when it hits you, seems hard to admit it’s happening to you, but it’s there. I will always be my dad’s daughter, but I’m no longer his little girl.

I’ve grown up. I praise the Lord that in the midst of all of this change He is the constant…how He is my life, light and salvation. All these things are momentary compared to Him.

It is there that I have closure, and it is in Him that I will rest.

Oh

boy.

Here

we

go.

The God of Glory is in Our Midst

I don’t think there has ever been a time when I’ve come to write just like this. But I feel God moving me to. You see, I am outside on my covered deck at home in CO where I have been watching a thunderstorm for the past hour, and it continues to grow stronger and stronger….

It all began when I was eating dinner and watching a movie with my mom and I saw the watercolor wash of the sky as the sunset began. The dark clouds loomed overhead bringing the presence of an impending thunderstorm. I couldn’t not go outside. As I went, I saw lightning flashes begin as they started over the mountains, perfectly set against a bold, colorful sunset. I set out with my camera determined to get a picture or two of the lightning on the mountains. These moments seem so few in my lifetime now. It was such a challenge to get a picture when that was my goal. When I began to surrender the purpose of getting a picture and just observe God’s majesty before me, things started happening…

You see the pictures on here that I did capture. Let me tell you, that is nothing compared to what I see now. Then it was just over the mountains, here and there, a clean bolt, relatively easy to guess the timing. There was no thunder and it painted so much beauty. Since that time, however, I have ceased trying to get the perfect picture. The skies are lighting up all around and above me wherever I can see. As I set in to my covered deck, I asked God why I wasn’t hearing any thunder with this lightning.

The thing is, God has been showing me that the time is now for some specific things. Some radical, unbelievable things that will showcase God’s power for all to see. I told God that I know now is the time, for He has shown me so. I asked Him to further confirm and show that through thunder. Well, the thunder hasn’t stopped…and just now as I typed it, roared as loud as it has all night.

We have for far too long ignored God and His power or haven’t been willing or able to believe that He bears that power. The power to heal. The power to change. The power to renew and restore. The power that is so indescribable just as I can’t describe to you in words the thunder that I hear roar now.

I just had to move inside. The rain has begun to pour. Quite ironic, don’t you think, as I begin to speak of God’s power? It’s been looming above like thunderclouds waiting to be released…and now the time is here.

We have been in disbelief and ignorance for far too long. Just as God is displaying his splendor now, it has always been there. We have lacked faith grossly.

I come before you all tonight to declare that my heart has changed. This thunderstorm is a confirmation. My unbelief is no longer, for my eyes and heart have been opened by the living God who makes Himself known to all who receive. I see that Jesus is the only answer to all of life’s questions, and I set out tonight acting upon that truth. I see that doubts and insecurities are a mask of our unbelief of who God is and not believing the truths about Him. I see those masks still ever present in the people around me. The people who attempt to answer their questions and satisfy their desires with other things besides the one answer-Jesus.

Have we not seen that mediocrity doesn’t get us anywhere? We have been trudging along in it far too long, not allowing the living God to reveal Himself to us. Look at the lightning and hear the thunder-He is before us, a God in our midst!

There are many things that are coming for me to speak of soon, but for tonight, God is leaving me to say this:

Awake from your lack of faith.

See His glory and power.

Know that Jesus is the answer, the only answer!

Faith

Faith in God is not about the knowing, it’s about trusting Him in the not knowing. If we knew, we would have answers, not faith. Answers take the place of something so critical, our faith. It is our faith in who God is that holds us as we go through the process of being sanctified, refined, renewed. With full knowledge, we would miss out on so much. If we find ourselves concerned with answers, it is because we truly lack faith in who God is.

I'm Amazed...

I'm amazed at the refining that God can do in a short time.

I am also amazed at Satan's power and how he preys on us.

I'm amazed at this God of mine who pursues my heart endlessly, no matter how fickle or selfish it has been and can be.

I'm amazed at what He can do in the course of nine months, even three weeks.

I'm amazed at how wretched a sinner I am.

I'm amazed at His redemptive work within me.

I'm amazed at the level of fear that once lived within me.

I'm amazed at how He ordains things so perfectly.

I'm amazed at the blessings He gives unabashedly when we don't deserve them at all, and how he keeps on giving.

I'm amazed with the intricacies He creates our hearts with and knows what makes them beat fervently and what makes them pause.

I'm amazed that He knows every tear we've cried and is the giver of all joy that we have.

I'm amazed at this God who somehow deemed me worthy to send His son to die for me, and who has given His Holy Spirit to live within me.

I'm amazed at the fact that I can see and understand in part what the future holds, yet at the same time, have absolutely no idea.

I'm amazed at the gift of prayer in which we can deeply commune with Him.

I'm amazed by so many things...

Things I have seen...

Things I am seeing...

And the fact that I have seen nothing yet.

It's my God that leaves me

Simply amazed.

An End and a Beginning

I title this An End and a Beginning for many reasons...one being that it's the end of my second year of college and beginning of summer (duh), another being that it's the end of a certain kind of writing and beginning of another, and mostly that it's the end of a season in my life and the beginning of another.

I was in the car today with my family driving from Colorado Springs to Taos, NM for a 3 day family reunion on my dad's side. I found myself so overwhelmed at God's goodness and faithfulness as I looked back on what He's done and what He's doing and where He's leading. Driving down to Taos today , as well as in Colorado right now, everything is flourishing. I not only saw the visible flourishing but the flourishing in my heart that I haven’t seen and felt in quite a long time. I find my heart and mind overflowing with so many different things to say. To be in His presence is so good. So good. With this, I find this past winter passing and such a beautiful summer coming.

The ice of my heart has been melted, the one that dripped tears all of the time as God thawed it out over this year. Now the moisture or tears that I now cry come as a result from above. I saw this today as we drove...unspeakable majesty as the thunderclouds built up over the mountain ranges, deep blues and greys and more. The rain began to fall but it was peaceful, simply an overflow of what has been built up from above. The rain only makes things flourish more, causing the grass to remain green and wildflowers to bloom.

I think back to when I was home last, with the three blizzards and how that described my spiritual state so well at that time. There were so many storms within my own heart that I simply didn’t know how to recover from. It would die down for a period only to rage again and never fully melt in between. Like the snow physically took a long time to melt, so did the ice in my own heart. The sun shined after the storms to begin the process but it would take some time…

My dad said today that the 10 year drought we've had in Colorado is over. The reservoirs are finally full again and the rivers are flowing very highly. There are no more watering restrictions like there have been for so long. No more restrictions, an overflow...How beautiful it is to see that time of lack has passed and I have moved onto the season of growth…that the flowers are popping up, rivers are flowing, and life is flourishing, every mark of the Creator obviously shown. How I reside in a peace and overwhelming joy that used to seem like a distant memory. How I long to never cease praying to and praising my dear Lord who has fully and beautifully redeemed...

No one but Him

I've been so incredibly scattered and seemingly out of it lately. I even sit here tonight unable to fully grasp where I am and what I am doing. I am fully unable to sustain myself; instead, I am being sustained by the Sustainer of life. There's a newfound simplicity amidst newfound complexity right now...a paradox I am unable to explain at this time.

The end of the year is upon me and I sit here in my room just as I am before my Creator. I sit here and realize there is much I am not supposed to grasp just yet. I can't take it all in...

But what I can take in is that I am to be in the presence of my Father all the time...He beckons me into His arms. I come to somewhat of a harsh realization tonight in realizing that it has been no one but Him that has brought me through this year and taught me what I've learned. There is no other credit or praise due to anyone but Him. He has been the ultimate ordainer, but above all, the preserver of my heart...

No one but Him knows what I've been through. No one but Him knows fully what I've been taught. No one but Him knows fully my desires; He created me with them. No one but Him fully knows what's best for me. No one but Him fully understands what it is I am doing. No one but Him knows what refining and reworking in my heart has happened this year. No one but Him fully knows my struggles and pulls me out of them when I am unable. No one but Him knows every single tear I've cried, for He's counted them all. No one but Him knows what fully brings me joy, for He's the creator of such.

No one but Him fully knows me, fully understands me...

I say this not to minimize the people He's placed in my life, but to magnify His presence in my life. Without Him, there is nothing...I am nothing. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to explain who I am, my struggles, my desires, my thoughts, etc., when there is no one but Him who will fully understand. I know the reason that I attempt to explain is that I desire for people to know me, to dive into who it is I am that God has created, to discover the mystery He has placed within. I know there is no one but Him who has placed the levels of depth within me as He has. Those levels within even daunt me at times. But I wonder what it will look like when/if someone attempts to discover what lies within...

There's no one but Him who has made me who I am today. There's no one but Him who will refine me into who I will be.

And I wonder if we often avoid levels of depth with people because we are afraid to get a bigger picture of our Creator's deeper workings, more intricate refinings and shapings...

But until that question is answered, I will rest in this...there is no one but Him in whose presence I can fully reside; who knows me full well, and sees me for who I am and what I will be and displays His love all the same. Simply...

There is no one but Him.

A Season of Change, Regeneration

I wrote this first poem on the first day of November. It came back to my mind this morning when thinking over this past year and what has been done. God has fulfilled what I wrote back in November in such beautiful ways, and I felt compelled to rewrite the poem in light of today. The November one is first; the June one is second.

The morn' of November

A crisp chill lingering in the stillness

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration

Old leaves fall and the new ones will come

Yet it's all in its own time

Ordained by the Creator of all

One must be tossed and turned about

Eager to escape its stem, root of life

But ever more, must cling stronger still

Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?

Or do we desire a rebirth

A regeneration

Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend

In this season of winter to come

Finding a new joy in the creator of all

The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass

On the brink of the revival of spring

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration?

June 9, 2007

The morning of June
A warm breeze breaking the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
The leaves have come and the flowers push forth
Yet it was all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One has been tossed and turned about
No longer eager to escape its stem, root of life
For it is through that living water has been found
We are no longer so adamant to hang on to what is dying
For we have seen the rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms in full presence and hearts mended still
After this season of winter has passed
We have found a new joy in the Creator of all
The morn’ of November and season of winter has soon passed
We have entered into the revival of spring
And we feel the season of change
A regeneration

Not to be Served, but to Serve

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

"But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." Matthew 19:30

"Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. "What is it you want?" he asked. She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" "We can," they answered. Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father." When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:20-28

I've been thinking and praying a lot regarding serving lately. It's come up countless times through conversations, scripture I've been reading, and opportunities I have. What I've been realizing is a simple truth but one so important that I neglect it at times.

It's easy for me to serve those whom I love, those closest to me in my life and most important. It is through the love I have for them that is the source of the desire to give my all for them and do what I can.

And there are others that when opportunities come to serve them, I feel more a sense of obligation to do so, rather than the same joy that I feel with those closest to me. I sometimes don't take those opportunities I have to serve them; other times I do, but with an attitude of heart that can be described as a mix between prideful and begrudging.

What is wrong in this is that Jesus must become greater and I must become less. When I truly see others and life through His eyes all the time, then my heart will be changed for those around me, reverberating with a love that is only of the Creator God. Out of that, how can I not help but be compelled to serve and give my all to those around me?

Our culture says that we should only look to other's interests when we can benefit from them in return. As Christians, we are to be radically different from the culture's crooked ideals. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. If the One most High would humble Himself in that way, we have no reason not to do so ourselves. Why do we not see more people on their knees washing feet, taking on the lowly servant position? We do not work for a status in this world...our utmost desire should be to glorify our Savior, and we do this by denying ourselves and our own selfish nature and look around, outside of ourselves. The opportunities are countless to serve. But is our love great enough to compel us to do so?

He must become greater, I must become less. Through this...it is possible, if we turn our hearts and are willing to let His love be manifested in us in a way we could never do ourselves.

Through this simple truth I believe and pray that the eyes of the world around us will be changed when they see Christians acting in the manner of the One whose name they bear, the One whose truths they preach, and the One whose love they claim to have and share.

Are we willing?

Beauty from Ashes

It’s for your glory that the pain may linger
To show the healing power of only Your hand
When hearts are broken and fallen before You
It’s only in Your strength again they will stand
And the beauty that will come from the ashes on the ground
Transcends all doubt and pain
Because out of the dirt flowers come pushing forth
And bring them to worship You once more

May these tears that have been shed be wiped away
And joy be reborn in circumstance
It is You alone who sustains all things
And will sustain them still
The refining is painful and smarts ever so
Let them in their sufferings be closer to Your heart
And know that You are the Creator God, personal and intimate
And your plans have been there from the start
Be near to them still, in this hour of pain
That the night may end and morning bring new light

"For Your Glory"

There is a time to live, there is a time to die
There is a time to laugh, there is a time to cry
There is a time to dance, a time for joy's embrace
And in all seasons God we humbly seek Your face

This is our offering to you
This is our offering

Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone

There is a time to sow, there is a time to reap
A time for victory, a time to claim defeat
A time to be renewed, a time to be reoborn
And in all seasons God we bow before Your throne

This is our offering to you
This is our offering

The earth stands still without You
And we could only move because You made us to
The world is nothing without You
And we could only love because You made us to

Written by Matt Maher, Performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean

Winds of Change

It has been some time since I wrote last, and there is no way I will be able to capture what has happened in that time since. The picture above is a not so great picture of the baby birds (4) that we have outside of our apartment door in our light fixture. These birds have brought me great joy because one, I like birds, but moreso, they bear a symbol of sorts for me right now. They are newly emerged from the shell of growth, where they are beginning to open their eyes and see the world around them. They continue to wait on the daddy to feed them and the mom to comfort them until the time comes in a couple of weeks that they will begin to learn how to fly. It will be difficult for them at first, seeing as how they are pretty scrawny right now, but they will learn in time...

Oh much change and growth within me has occured, and I have finally reached the point where I have been able to open my eyes and understand what it is that God has been doing in me over this last year. It's been such a painful refining and reworking of my heart, something that He has never touched to this extent before. But now I see and understand, and it's such a beautiful thing. My wings have come as my Daddy has taught me and I am beginning to trust those which He has developed and begin to fly.

And I am continually struck by how much change has happened...things are so different. In the light of His wonderful power, strength, and grace, my eyes have changed. It's like how it was last year but even more so, as I have learned significant lessons on top of that since that time.

I don't really have anything profound to say lately because I believe the profound thing is God and who He is...the shaper and changer of hearts. If we look and see who He is and what He does, we will be left with nothing but the realization of how profound He is, and how He transcends all things. That's pretty amazing...

And as I was out and about exploring new places today, I watched the winds blow through the grass and felt the breeze through my hair. I couldn't help but think it was a conclusion to the change that has happened and a beginning for what is to come. Something's changing and coming, and I can feel it...I wonder what it may be. His time will reveal it if need be.

It feels good to fly again...to trust these wings of mine that God has given and created me with and wants me to use. Surely more heights and depths will be reached with this new method of discovery! Praise be to Him who is so good!

Revelation!

I come to write this tonight and I can't contain myself, more accurately, I can't contain the Spirit of the Living God who flows through and around me so! Oh goodness, my words are going to do such injustice to what has happened and what I see, but I feel so compelled to write, in greatest hopes that you get at least a glimpse of what God has done and is doing!

I see, I finally see and understand! I understand the questions that I have had for so long, and I understand why I have gone through the things I have this year, and I not only see the immediate purpose in it, but God's greater glory! And I find myself amazed that it was never about the questions, but the journey that my heart would take in the process of not knowing the answers. Would I choose to trust and obey, even when the refining was painfully difficult? Would I still choose to love and be wholly devoted to my Lord my God, every moment of every day, knowing that nothing is mine but everything fully His? And I finally came to that place over this past weekend after one of the lowest points I have ever had spiritually. Jesus said to the lame who He had healed to get up and walk, because he had been made well. I haven't been making that choice to get up and walk, because I have been healed and redeemed. But I knew that after this weekend I could remain lame no longer. I saw the depths of my soul in anguish with Satan's lies wrapped around it ever so, and never want to be back there again.

But how much greater is my God, the One who overcame and always overcomes! He is my redeemer, not just from this weekend, but always! He is so incredibly more than enough, and all that I have I do not deserve. How I have been holding Him back and been selfish by holding onto things so tightly, not being willing to surrender them to Him and see Him bestow them back in a greater way imaginable.

And as I have read over some of my journals from key time periods over this past year, I find myself utterly stunned. I don't want to give it all away yet as I want it to be mine and God's little secret for a little bit, but I understand and see so clearly now! I see what He took away and what He has brought and taught me, but now the former has returned and the two have merged. Each of the lessons in their own strength are now put together in such a beautiful piece that I can't even begin to fathom what God is going to do with it!

Oh that my Lord refines me and redeems me, not just in the past, but in the present and future! Oh goodness, how I can't even imagine what is to come....!!!!!

Giver and Satisfier of my heart

God is so good...!!!

At a loss for words, my mouth can hardly speak
That You whom I’ve doubted has come closer to me
The troubles that have weighed me down have now been set free
My Lord God, my redeemer, ever so precious to me

Have you given me any reason to doubt who You are?
Have I ever seen my heart run away so far?
But now here I am and You’ve wrapped me in Your arms
I see You as the giver and satisfier of my heart

Oh the goodness of a heart that beats, a heart that feels, a heart that thinks,
Cause through that I further identify with your suffering
I’m raised up to the heights of Your love, finding the full satisfaction of above
And Lord, I come to feel and find again that You are more than enough
You are my everything, everything to me

This surrender has set me free from the flesh that has held me down
The lies of Satan that flooded my mind and made me drown
Oh let praises ring to my rescuer who pulled me out of the depths
My Lord God, my redeemer, who has never left

Let me set my eyes on the things of You
Let my heart resonate only with what is true
Cause now here I am and You’ve wrapped me in Your arms
I see You as the giver and satisfier of my heart

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'sureley the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you" (Psalm 139:7-10).

A Meaning of Guarding Your Heart

I've been thinking about something my friend Brittany and I were talking about this weekend a lot lately. She was speaking of how she is reading the book Captivating. In that book, the author speaks of how we as women are to be vulnerable yet guard our hearts at the same time. I remember the both of us half laughing at that statement because it seems so impossible at times, an apparent paradox. Yet we both know it is something we are to do.

But how?

I started putting together bits and pieces of this lesson that God has been teaching me as of late. Remembering Brittany's and my conversation seemed to put the final puzzle piece in place as to what God is teaching me. In my bible study we were talking about forgiveness, and I was thinking of different examples in my life. I know that I struggle with expecting people to bear the same traits or qualities as I do, and then when they don't, I feel like they let me down in some way. I choose to magnify my strengths and their weaknesses, rather than looking to their own unique strengths. I have to embrace individual people and what they bring, not expecting them to be like me.

Continuing on from this, I hold the people close to me to a pretty high standard. There are very few people in my life (I can count them on one hand) that I hold this standard for. It's a level of expectation and dependence on those people to fulfill the roles that God has placed them in in my life. As I know I have stated many times before, I am learning that I do need those other people in my life, because God has appointed them as such. It is not good for man to be alone. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 states this well. My life will be fuller as a result, because I have to learn to not only trust those people in my life, but also trust God that He is doing it for my own good.

But the key part of this lesson I finally understand. Being dependent is one way of showing vulnerability, but guarding your heart means knowing that Jesus is the only constant, the only one who will never disappoint. Guarding your heart means letting Jesus cover those disappointments that people cause, guaranteed to happen in our lifetimes. It means understanding that people will always disappoint us and being okay with that, because we know He is far greater.

It's a lesson in process for me. For the first time in my life, this year I have begun to truly let people in. It's so sweet to see what God is doing with that and how my relationships with people have blossomed as a result. My standards are still pretty high for those people closest to me...and perhaps that's something I need to reevaluate with God. But when I am disappointed, I am learning to run to Jesus...

Run to Jesus...

Grace for the Moment

The Lord has given me grace for each moment, for each day...I am to receive it as such. It is not about the amount of things I have to do or the amount I can get done, but about the question, "is God in this moment, am I choosing what He has?" Am I living in accordance with what God has for me to do at the present time?

It's a reminder that excellence doesn't come in the form of a test grade or teacher's approval. Even further still, it's a reminder that there's always going to be more I can do. I've been holding onto what I know I am capable of, but God is choosing to stretch me past it. I find myself humbled yet refreshed tonight that I truly am capable of so little...but through Him so much can be done.

And I must ask myself in those times when I feel conflict or stresses, "is this what God has for me in this moment? Or am I forcing something that doesn't need to be?" I am to live by the moment that God has given, not looking ahead, but seeing His glory in the present.

I won't get everything done, at least not to the level I would personally like it to be. But that's not what matters in the big picture of things. What really matters is whether or not I am seeking out God in every moment and worshipping Him accordingly. When looking back on each day, this week, this quarter, this life, it is my prayer that I can say that I allowed God to be in every moment. Life is much fuller that way.

The Lord has given me grace for each moment...and that is more than enough.

Look at His handiwork!