Searching for Nuggets of Wisdom

I wrote last about the period of time I am currently in: ‘But Not Yet.’ Around and since then, I have been desperately craving wisdom as to what to do, think, and feel. There are times I feel utterly lost in it, and all I can do is press on, trusting my Lord in the steps He has or doesn’t have me take yet.

My nature tends to be a very practical one. I am logical, like to solve problems, have a plan, think of all the alternatives, etc. That is what I tend to revert to in most situations, because logic, rather than emotion, has a better history of handling things. Yet, over the last couple of months, God’s been helping me learn what it means to ebb, meaning going along with the “waves of life,” as they can be up and down. It’s been an interesting process for me, as I’ve been learning that the ups and downs are normal, and that emotion outright is not necessarily a bad thing.

Because, as practical and logical as I am, there is a side of me coupled with intense passion and dreams. They are incredibly strong; yet because of the degree of them, I seldom know what to do with them. There’s currently a disconnect between the logic and passion, but as I’ve been praying, I hope the rift between the two is growing smaller.

You can imagine how I am in this season. I’m wanting to revert to my practical and logical nature. Out of that, I’ve been searching for nuggets of wisdom from people who have been through this same season of life I am currently in. I finally got the questions out to my parents last night. My parents, usually one with lots of advice, didn’t have much to say, other than that it is a strange transition time and I will get through it. That answer drew an internal “figures” response, because of course I’m still not getting an answer. I want to be wise and handle things the best I can…but sometimes logic fails.

Now, often times, emotion is overtaking me. I find myself welling up with tears at so many different things or thoughts, sometimes even crying before I sleep. Some of it is a sad crying, but a lot of it is just emotion. A lot of it is the response derived from me in that things are changing, and will continue to drastically. I wept severely the other night at the realization that my relationship with my parents will never be the same again. That will continue to grow and change, but the days of childhood are past, even in their eyes. Other times, I don’t even know so much of why I am crying. Yet, it seems to be part of this rite of passage I am going through this summer, and I am attempting to embrace it, especially because logic does not seem to be winning lately.

I read through Ecclesiastes, the book of the search of wisdom, last night after John and I talked about a passage from it the other night. I can’t tell you what a comfort I found in it. I found a kindred soul in Solomon, as he examined the world and how we fit within it through many different acts and searches of wisdom. He endeavored to find the meaning of life in so many different ways, but comes back to the fact that God is in the center, and when we look to Him, then and there we are satisfied and fulfilled, and there we find meaning. It doesn’t come from searching around us, as all of those end up being “meaningless!”

I read through Kate’s blogs today from my current season in her life, and there too, I was comforted. This season is one that just “is.” It is one that is filled with varying emotion and one we get through somehow…but I was greatly encouraged by the fact that in waiting, beautiful things do come. The waiting is fruitful if we allow it to be, and the waiting isn’t forever. We walk through this unfamiliar season in trusting and holding fast to the One who is familiar and constant. And, a fact I realized in reading her blogs that I need to become better with is that for the next several years, there’s going to be an infinite amount of change. That’s reality…and my logic will only be able to carry me so far in it. It’s going to be laced with a lot of emotion. Instead of striving to figure it out as much as I can and leaning on the Lord for the rest, I pray that I will develop the habit of leaning on Him wholly and ultimately.

This has long been a favorite verse of mine from Ecclesiastes, and I will state it again here: “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him” (vs 3:14). It is always relevant to whatever season of life I am in, and always a comfort. In this season, it is a reminder that no matter where I am, how much I have figured out, or rather, how little I can, these things are not dependent upon me. What God chooses to do in this season and with me is up to Him. All that He does, is, and forever will be is so I can respond and worship Him. This season, the one that makes little sense to me, is purposeful, and may I continue to draw nearer to Him with a thankful and worshipful heart. I don’t need a specific reason or thing in my life to draw near to Him. The fact that He IS is more than enough. And there, I pray that emotion would overtake me as well…

"But Not Yet"

“But not yet.”

I’ve been pretty frustrated the past couple of days. It’s been more of an internal frustration coming from finally having the chance to be still, being somewhat frustrated with that itself, and fighting against what the stillness can bring. I’m again amazed at what stillness can reveal. There were/are some pretty pertinent things I need to work out with the Lord and lies I need to dispel. Yet, tonight, the Lord is good to reveal where my primary frustration lies.

“But not yet.”

To retrace my steps a bit, God’s had me in this season of waiting for a long time. It’s been probably over a year now. It’s been an incredibly valuable and fruitful time to teach me of what it means to be in the present moment and allow Him to move and work in it. That’s a really broad statement for all this has contained, but it’ll suffice for now.

And now, this season of waiting is changing and on the brink of ending. Some of these timetables I know; others I don’t. Elise has been gone for close to a year now. I’ll get to see her and live with her in about a month and a half. I’ve been largely content in where each one of us has been in this year, but now that the time is closer “but not yet” here, it brings about an impatience that wasn’t previously there. I’ve finished four years of college, and feel ready to move on, “but not yet.” I still have a year to finish. John and I are closer to the future and all it brings than we ever have been, “but not yet,” we are not yet there either. There’s a lot of things coming up in the near future to either start or complete; those too, “but not yet.”

I realize now that waiting is a pretty constant reality. John can testify to this. The “but not yet” is a changing reality. It implies that something is coming, but is not yet here. It’s being stuck in the middle of the transition. I find it interesting that this frustrates me more.

I’m remembering who I am at nature, specifically in my childhood. I can’t think of certain examples, but I remember being told “not yet” would just make me want to start or do it even more. “Not yet” is like a challenge to me, one of which my stubbornness wants to fight against. It’s like I take that “not yet” and try to turn it into “well why not now? Let me try.” I am a person that very rarely responds with passivity; I respond with passion instead, and whether that passion is constructive or not depends on the situation.

My flesh so desperately wants to do, wants the change to “just happen already,” but the Lord is reminding me, “but not yet.” In searching for that phrase within the bible, I see how there were so many times in Jesus’ ministry and life the times of “not yet” were still purposeful. It’s in the times of “not yet” that it’s really hard to see the purpose because it’s easy to gravitate towards what is to come or what is to happen, but in retrospect, the “not yet” times are necessary.

Tonight, as I feel so stuck in the transition, I need remember that the Lord will and is using this time of “but not yet.” I may not see it now because the sight of what is to come often overshadows it, but I can trust Him to be purposeful in it. And, I can pray that He soften my heart to learn to embrace these times of “but not yet,” just as He did so in my long season of waiting.

Friend Forever

In my first entry in a long while involving written thoughts and words not in a poem form, I realize why I have gravitated towards writing poems over the last couple of months. It is largely because there is such an infinite amount to write about, it seems. A poem, with carefully selected words and structure, can convey so many different things all in one. Writing like this, however, requires more clarity of thought and communication for me to effectively communicate to the reader.

When you’ve been in a time where the words, thoughts, lessons, tasks, and emotions just come and ebb at a frenzied pace, it is difficult to sort through what to focus on for the present, let alone write about it so that others may understand as well. I can’t even begin to state how many things have crossed my mind and heart over the past couple of months that I wanted to write more on, but the time was not given. I pray that time is returning a bit now with summer being here, God willing.

This last week condensed so many experiences, lessons, thoughts, emotions, and tasks all into such a short time. Looking back on the week, I find myself amazed at how one week seemed to perfectly show so much of what my life consists of lately. I’m still in the middle of processing and praying through that, and hope to blog on it soon.

In the meantime though, I wanted to share something on my heart.

Tonight I was driving home with my mom from a wedding in Estes Park. It was the sixth consecutive day of driving over 3 hours. I left that wedding tonight completely over simulated and overwhelmed due to the amount of things that has happened over this week, and the things that remain to do and be seen. I was overwhelmed, yet again, with the need and desire for Jesus. I looked forward to finally getting home again so I could have some down time. Yet, on that drive, I remembered I have the blessing of Him in the present, and I needed not wait…

Once again, His arms were open wide awaiting me to come and rest. It needed not matter the situation or where I was; driving home on I-25 was as good a place as any. There, He calmed me, quieted me, restored my soul…and I found this song running through my heart.

“What a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

In the time of quiet I remembered the blessing of His presence that never escapes me, never leaves me, is always faithful. I remembered this last week and how, in every circumstance He was there, teaching me, refining me, loving me, carrying me. He was by my side as I slept alone in a casino in Nevada for the night. He was giving me strength to enjoy the creation of His hand in Utah during the midst of stomach trouble. He guarded my heart while allowing it to grow in love and submission for and to John. He was walking alongside me as I walked down a freeway ramp to go to the bathroom, and moreso, calm down and gain perspective while awaiting AAA to come tow my car that broke down on the highway and finally died. He gave me patience in spending time with a family member that is not always easy to spend time with. He loosened my hands to help me to surrender to not being in control, but simply go with the flow and let Him provide. And oh, His provisions…I can’t even list them as they are too numerous…I feel incredibly humbled by how He looks out for His children. He provided time for me to serve and bless a few. He was opening my heart to be vulnerable to hear His voice speaking, or to simply come and rest in His arms.

At the end of this week, I stand in recognition of the fact that God works with those who desire to be worked with. There are so many new things and situations in my life now that leave me overwhelmed, but deep down, I know without a doubt that God has placed me in these situations because He knows I can trust Him with it all, and He surely is enough for it.

And “what a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever.

Afflicted City

One of these days I'll write something that is not a song or poem, but for now, that's what God's granting to me. He comforted me greatly tonight with Isaiah 54, showing me his love for Jerusalem and how He desired to restore and comfort and bring beauty. In my own "affliction" and difficulty, it is a great comfort to be reminded of his purpose and his unfailing love and covenant of peace. It will never be removed.



Oh afflicted city, once again I find you wandering
far from the love you once knew
if you were to stop and look inside
You would find you know you still do
Love me more than yourself and your drowning pride
as you fall to your master and know the sin must die
Yet in your wandering, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, you’re lashed by storms once again
in the midst of torrential rain
that you pray will one day end
you will find my promise spoken for you
Love me more than yourself and your selfish fiend
as you fall to your master and let me be your friend
Yet in your storms, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, comfort you do not easily find
far from the hope you know to be true
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed
Love me more than yourself and your hopeless rest
as you fall to your master who surely knows best
It’s for your comfort, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

My love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed.
You must know that it’s for you
that to my own heart I must be true.

In the Night

Can’t you see the morning in the night
Stillfull, soulful silence in the lack of light
Where has the time gone
when we used to sleep and dream?
Childlike innocent bliss has escaped me
Yet I'm carried, cradled, held upright
The look of love is in Your eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Won’t you walk the line and stand up tall
Without looking down and doubting it all
You don’t see it now
but you’re closer than you were
A mirror reflects the lessons you’ve learned
You're growing, going, lasting in the fight
The look of pride is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Will you count to three and open your eyes
Ready to see, believe and recognize
Who you are and once were
and one day will become
Fly and cry in the memories alight
The look of all you need is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Temporal Burdens

A reflection on a difficult week where I've been exhausted from the burdens of this world and desperately desiring refuge...

Evasive world this is
slithering and slipping out of my sight
yet it maintains its grasp
The whole world’s on my shoulders
and it’s tied upon my back
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is what I lack

Like a hole created
absence that makes the heart fonder
Emptiness that finds me, finds me now

Put two bricks in my pockets
add another on my head
sooner than later
My feet will be bound by chains
and I’ll try to walk away
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is where I lay

Like a jailbreak needed
Strength that releases these bounds
Freedom that finds me, finds me now

More power in my hands
Satan busy trying to make me lose my way
make me look inside
Hoping I would forget what I always realize
That You are who You say
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is why I pray

Like a child found
Love that wraps me still, wraps around
won’t You carry me home, me home now?

You Are.

I am swirling about, tossed around
spit up upon this ground
You are.
I am crying out, looking around
desperate to be found
You are.
I am questioning, always seeking
analyzing every meaning
You are.
I am restless, selfish
clenched up in a fit
You are.
I am aching, constantly breaking
striving to be making
You are.
I am asking, lacking
Always reacting
You are.
I am nothing, never be
No good has ever come of me
You are.
I am sin, naught within
arrived at an end
You are.
I am bought at a price, far too high
One never could I buy
You are.
I am ransomed, redeemed
once again free to dream
You are.

I am always looking for an answer
One in everything
You are.
I am always wondering what could be
One in everything
You are.
I am always clinging, overreaching for
One in everything
You are.
I am constantly changing, always in need of
One in everything
You are.
I am always looking for an answer
One for everything

It comes simply.
You are.

Personal Typhoons

This is from my journal entry tonight. I include it here because I believe it important for people who know me to know this-it will make more sense at the end of reading this. Please see this as an asking of you to help me with this if you can. It would be greatly appreciated.

Tonight I am reminded of the blessing and need for people in my life. Recent events that have brought that to light have been my date with John last night, church today, our Crusade BBQ, and ice cream with Colin tonight. Each of those times were incredibly full and blessed.

Yet while remaining thankful for these people and this time, I find myself sitting here tonight lonely. I’m only a couple of hours removed from being with people, but it feels much longer. I find the fullness I had while being with these people has been replaced with a yearning. A yearning for companionship, and a desire to not feel alone.

Being self-sufficient in the ways I am by nature is certainly easier. It allows me to derive all I need from You and myself, dear Lord. You know I can easily immerse myself in my own world, whether it be the things I do, what I create, and what I dream. It’s almost this aspect of creating my own world that appears and functions the way I want it to. The problem with that though, is that it’s just a temporary though often long-standing illusion. Self-sufficiency only supplies for a time.

My instinct would be to say that being self-sufficient renders less heartache. It has felt that way with me. However, what I believe creates that is my walling myself up in my own world so that I am left generally unaffected. It leaves me steady because it protects myself from the elements.

Yet, I think I’ve come to believe that even the strongest walls are not meant to always stand. Somehow, through one force or another, they are overcome. With me, I’d probably say it is a typhoon that does it. A typhoon builds up over time with the forces around it to eventually unleash a powerful force. And when it finally starts, it does. It usually lasts a few days until it exhausts all of the energy and force it had built up and no longer has any reserves to keep going. It then dissipates. My life, particularly the emotional side, can often resemble a typhoon. They don’t come many in number and often come in certain seasons and times, but when they come, they make quite a presence. In the majority of the rest of the time in between, things are calm.

These typhoons of mine overcome my walls. They immerse the interior of it with every ounce of it-leaving me drenched, saturated, unable to run or hide. Instead, I am stuck in the middle of it trying to cope and escape but hopeless in doing so. I usually just have to wait out the storm and not let it “destroy” me. And when the storm is over-I’m exhausted. It’s like there’s this period of drying out, warming up, and recovering in which I’m just numb to everything emotional. When that’s over, then I can function again. I think that should be the last storm, that surely I’ve made it through this one and there need be no more.

I then try to live my life outside the walls. I remember how being in the inside of those walls in the storm left me trapped. So, I try to allow myself to be exposed, functioning in community and connecting myself with others. Praise be to You that You help me do it. I know sometimes I retreat back to my walls of self-sufficiency because I’m either tired of being outside or I simply want to be comfortable. But Lord, I’m trying to live outside those walls. To know what it is to be truly vulnerable and live life with others and not just on occasions. There is progress made; You encourage me with showing me that.

But the storm I thought was the last wasn’t. Another comes. The typhoon builds up its strength and makes its way again. Now I am trying not to run back to my shelter of walls but rather leave myself exposed so I don’t become trapped. That somehow, in being outside with others, they will know and recognize that I am in the middle of a storm rather than being in a solitary force unable to cry or articulate a need for help. And also, that they would know that things just aren’t easy going for me all the time. That they would know that I am subject to the building up of many different isolated forces, all combining to produce huge storms of passion and emotion that render me helpless. That even if I am not able to cry out for help, that they would see and come. That’s where being exposed is necessary.

Lord, I know I must be realistic and realize these patterns of storms may not cease altogether with one, as this has been so much the norm for me for so long. But I know I need to seek You and allow You to teach me how to let those storms subside in both number and strength until they are one day eliminated outright. You have been good in revealing what this is in my life and what it does.

I was reading about typhoons and there is this section that talks about how during the 1960’s and 70’s the United States Government sought to artificially dissipate typhoons by a variety of methods. The most tangible one was by towing icebergs into the tropical oceans to cool the water, thus inhibiting its development. Though the theory was correct, it was not an effective solution because the storms were far too large for it to have an effect.

I feel like the United States Government then, now. I feel like I’m learning about these storms and how they function and what they do. I feel like a boat towing an iceberg to the center to hopefully nip the storm in the bud, or at least lessen its effects. It just doesn’t quite work.

But I know the solution does not lie in what I can do or figure out, ultimately. Those things may help or perhaps point me in the right direction, but the storms are so large that they need a larger God to control and sway them. I know You are that God, my Lord. You know how I often feel spit up and tossed out by the typhoon that I’m left exhausted and numb to everything, even anything in trying to deal with these storms before the next one comes. You know the little energy I can have left. But Lord, I come to You now offering all I can with this and asking You to take the rest. I ask You that You allow the storms to subside and one day cease. I ask that I can learn to function on a normal human level with passions and emotions consistently-one that ebbs like an ocean, not a storm system derived from it.

Because where I am tonight is on the end tails of one of these storms. I’m in the midst of severe emotion and passion while dealing with its counterpart-numb to everything as a result of exhaustion. I’m feeling this yearning for companionship-one severe, and part of me wants to go back to the walls of self-sufficiency to be exempt from it. Yet, praise be to You, I am growing somewhat tired of those walls and becoming more ready to stand outside of it. I need not be so strong all the time, deriving from the strength that comes from residing in the walls I’ve built protecting myself from being affected. That only leaves me isolated. Being outside those walls is vulnerable and exposed, and I pray that with it doesn’t come a storm of its own due to the ills of my passion and emotion. But Lord, moreso I pray that it becomes a place where I can stay. That it becomes a place where I can heal from this last storm, and simply be where I am rather than having to cry out for help. And when the next storm comes, I’ll already be where I need to be-in the midst of companionship that will see the storm I am in and come to me.

Breaking of Steadfastness

I don’t understand why people have such a high view of me. Kirsten today told me how Professor Harlan (a teacher from 2 quarters ago that she now has) told her I was such a sweetheart. I've gotten a lot of various encouragement from people I hold dear as of late. I get this stuff over and over again from many different people. I don’t know. It’s not that I have a poor view of myself and that I don’t have any self-esteem, but it’s just not that. I don’t understand why people think so much of me.

It ties into the fact that John and I were talking about this weekend. I try too hard. When I was talking to Kyle last night, I realized a root source of that was being a Christian in a non-Christian family for several years, even a bit to this day. When I came to know the Lord, I had to seek Him out fully. I had to seek out fellowship, had to read the Word, had to develop all of these things largely on my own. I didn’t have my parents telling or encouraging me to do anything. It was upon my shoulders. In addition to that, my hearing loss has always been a source of me working harder. That’s a long story in itself left for later.

...

I want to lay again in a field of poppies, drinking in Your abundance and presence. I want to relive that drive-how it cleared my mind and took me to another place. Relaxed. Uninhibited to You.

Lord, I don’t know how to let that be my life in this time-that the variety the poppies and wildflowers brought also consists in my everyday-if I open my eyes to it. Life is surely a journey with many twists and turns, even the everyday.

Lord, there has been such a resolve in me to remain steadfast, and You are breaking it. You are teaching me what it means to ebb in the gentle waves of this life You have before me.

But it seems all I’ve known is what it is to be steadfast. So strong in resolve of knowing You, trusting You, seeking after You. And that steadfastness is a character in my everyday life as well-people know me as that. In many ways, it could be the foundation of which they base their other opinions of me on. Somehow, I’m a “sweetheart,” and being known as that largely comes from a steadfast character displayed by me as being a “sweetheart.” It doesn't come from me being a sweetheart some of the time and a jerk the others.

The interesting thing with this that I see now is that my own steadfastness has become a comfort. It has meant that I’m generally not subject to the changes of life, particularly the everyday, to affect me much. I think a reason why I am such a hard worker has been because the character trait of steadfastness has allowed for that-I generally don’t have the same day-to-day “life” distractions that most people feel. I am able to focus and get a tremendous amount of things done.

It seems like that is to start breaking now. That I need to learn to be a sailboat floating in the waves, bobbing up and down with it, rather than a powerboat cutting right through it unaffectedly. To recognize that there are times of change much more than just from season to season.

To somehow, become more human, whatever that means.

So often, I don’t truly recognize my weakness before You. And because of that, it limits Your divine intervention in my life as I don’t leave room for it. If I don’t allow there to be a need, then how can I accept Your provision for that need?

John says I try harder than anyone he knows. I never would’ve assumed that myself. Yet, that’s a strong statement, especially coming from him.

Why do I try so hard? And how do I stop trying so hard, when it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t even know what that means? Because, if you were to ask me, my first response would be that I’m not trying hard enough.

I want more of Your Holiness in my life. I want more of my character to display the heart You have given me. I want less of myself in the things I do and who I serve. I want less of me and more of You.

I see these things within me that need to be changed in order to reach these dreams.

But I cannot do it alone.

And though I want to, I can’t do it by trying, or even by remaining steadfast.

It seems like instead, I need to ride the waves in a sailboat, letting God steer the path. I need to feel every up and down and actually be a part of it. I need to let God show me and do those very things I desire on the course. As much as I tend to envision it to be, those things I desire are not an eventual destination. It is something that happens in the day-after-day, the continued reliance and trust upon Him.

Not by works, not by striving.

But by surrender.

By the breaking of steadfastness.

"You Make Everything Glorious"

It's been a stretching week in so many ways. I've continually had to come back to the truths I know as Satan has been throwing in every lie and scheme he can to distort what is good and pure in the refining process. I am reminded greatly this week that I am not saved by works or by any striving for perfection. My efforts are best spent accepting my humble state and allowing God to do what He will in it.

An excerpt from my journal entry this morning...

But Lord, I best bow down, accept my humble state, and allow You to do what You will with it. It is not by works that I am saved. It is not by striving for perfection that I am saved. It is by recognizing my need of You and remaining perpetually broken before You. Only in the brokenness can You truly make what You wish of me. May I be humble enough to remain there, but also confident enough in You to do what is best in Your sight, not in mine. May I direct my eyes to You, hold open my hands out before, and not look to anything else. It is in great weakness that I see great need. It is in great weakness that Your strength may be manifested and remain. May I find no pride in myself but only in Your glory shown through me. May You do as You wish.

Lord, this life is not an easy one as I am often reminded. But it is glorious. Beauty often comes from trials and pain. We often cannot truly understand what something is unless we have experienced the opposite. But may we recognize things and situations for what they are and what they can bring-often a truer light and greater picture than we have previously attained.

“My eyes are small, but they have seen
The beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there’s light enough to see that

You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
And I am Yours.”
-David Crowder Band

Ropes

image from http://phrecklenosephotography.blogspot.com/2008/04/preview-gym.html

An excerpt from my blog tonight...

Lord, how much and how much more do You push my faith to grow? It’s like climbing a rope to heaven…with every pull of myself up the rope I get closer and I get another taste…I could stop there, but the rope keeps going. With every pull I can get closer than before but it requires more of me. It is much harder than at the beginning. I’m so much farther from the ground than I was when I started. I’m closer to heaven now. I look up and logically, it makes sense to keep going, but emotionally, physically, and spiritually, it makes me wonder how I can keep going on. It’s there that this reserve has to be found…this reserve and strength that only comes from crying out to You, that You would pull my hands one after the other, keeping my grip steady that I would not fall back to where I was at the beginning and have to start all over again.

The end of that rope…is there one? I feel like in the past I would’ve said so, that there are many different ropes we climb in our faith and walk with You, but now, I’m not so sure. It seems like it’s a long, endless one instead, and there are knots that mark our progress of sorts, concrete things that we can stand and rest upon every now and then. But we are not to go back down. We are to continue going.

I remember climbing those ropes in gym in elementary school and particularly in gymnastics. I remember how I used to just climb with my arms or just with my legs providing the strength and how I never got to the top that way. It was only when I realized that every aspect of my body had to be employed in order to get to the top, and it had to have a rhythm to it-hand over hand, followed by the feet, hand over hand, followed by the feet…I vaguely remember the first time I got to the top and it left me in a state of awe in thinking, ‘wow it is easier this way.’ I loved climbing the ropes after that.

I wonder if in my faith I’m trying to use one thing too much. Am I not in the natural rhythm I should be in to climb the rope in the way I should? I don’t see how I can go back now…how I can go back to the bottom of the rope only to climb again. But here, my arms are burning a bit, and there’s a need to look in that reserve and have You pull my hands one after the other, bringing me into His pattern of how I am to best move. I know I must keep climbing, and I must trust You to show me how, even to the extent of letting You do it all.

Count the Cost

This comes from things I've been hearing from other people as to what they are learning and going through, things I see people doing, and things I've seen in my own life. I was sitting listening to worship tonight and this question was on my heart...

Poignant

I don't have many words tonight to verbalize though there does seem a lot swirling around inside. God is faithful. Lately I've been getting and remembering lots of visual things-pictures, dreams, visions, etc, and it seems to be the best outlet right now. Here's a picture I came across tonight that I took a couple of weeks ago. I believe this picture shows many profound metaphors in itself. It is beautiful...hopefully it will be encouraging to others as well.

Open Wounds

My last blog wrote about how in my life the lack of answer wounds. Well, I'm now in this time where God has been opening my eyes to those specific wounds. Some have been closed over for a while, providing temporary relief, and it's now that God's opening them up fully in order that He may heal them properly.

Be praying for me over the next couple of days. I'm going to need it.

You know sometimes I wish
You would take the cover off my eyes
It’s been fun for a while, this follow the leader
But now it seems like we should finally be here
Be where we were always meaning to go
You know sometimes I wish
You would take Your hand off my eyes
I want to see beyond the world masked with dark
To see the destination as it is in the light
See what I was always dreaming to see

I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
The hazardous path makes wounds I continue to bear
But now I’m tired, weary of the consistent pain
That You told me would not be suffered in vain
I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
This path has been winding a long time
Seems it’s the long way we’re going
Just wanna get to where I’m supposed to be

But You open up these wounds
And make me see the light
These sources of pain that I bear
Are to be cleansed outright
But now it stings a while
and I must trust You
in this time You hold me tight

I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand over my eyes
Knowing You know what I can see now
And from what I still need to hide
In Your presence tightly wrapped in Your arms
I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand always in my life
Bringing to light what needs change
To one day possess a brighter light
Yet for now, it still does sting a while

The Lack of Answer

I finally sat down tonight and did something I’ve needed to do for a long while. I went through old journal entries in certain time frames God brought up: 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago, and 1.5 years ago. I’ve been avoiding reminiscing and reflecting for some time…it’s as if I was scared of the pain that may arise from doing so. In reading tonight, there was some pain brought up but greater so, a great floodlight of God’s love on these things showing me He has either redeemed or is redeeming.

So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…

The lack of answer wounds.

There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.

I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.

These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.

It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.

In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.

My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.

I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.

An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.

God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine

John 17:10, Luke 22:39-47
In reading these passages today along with others, I was so struck by John 17:10, in which Jesus is praying and states "all I have is Yours and all You have is mine." It's a meditation of sorts for me for a while, but I wanted to spend some time in the first part of that verse. It also brought the picture of the mentioned passage in Luke to mind as well. Lately I seem to be gaining more from writing in a more abstract manner and allowing God to speak to me through that manner; hence, the poems and lyrics.

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of always giving but also to receive
Wonder what true love could really bring
Outright deny the cries deep inside
Of the flesh that wishes to fight
And not walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of both laying down a life
I’ve fallen asleep under the tree
The one I love has been crying out for me
A cold hardened heart that has yet to see
As I walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of redemption giving sacrifice
Yes, there’s a love that fights
One that cries deep inside
Wishing to break free of the flesh that restrains
And run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of giving up control and letting go
Wondering how to learn nothing is mine
Yet I find there’s a freedom in loving
Of living a life of sacrifice
I’ll run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
What a precious reward for giving up a life

Chord

I don't even know how to classify this. These are words that came together when I was sitting in quiet letting God reveal my heart to me. I've been all over the place, to be honest. Yet, it is interesting to find in these words how what I have experienced in the capacity of daughter, child, lover, adult, etc. in both my relationship with God and the men in my life influence me greatly. These words cannot be interpreted to just one meaning or one type of relationship. It's a chord of sorts that comes together to reveal a whole bunch of notes that make a distinct sound. It's not as clean as just one note. Yet; hopefully the chord is playing correctly to reveal the intent of the artist, and in time the other notes and chords will come. For now, I'm learning one chord at a time. Here is one.

You say I’m your daughter
You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms

Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes
Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His

Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence you have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return

You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out

Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his

Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own

You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms

Tufts of Life

I went for a drive in Perfumo Canyon today. In some ways, it was a means of escape from the seemingly insurmountable work I have to do, but in a lot of ways, it provided reminder and refreshment.

I was so invigorated on that road. It is just an entirely different world in the canyon and at the top of the ridges. It was clear, sunny, and warm. Beautiful as usual. But as I had the windows of my car down as I traveled along the road, the smell was incredible. It was this fresh green, clean, pure smell that only new life can bring. The visual sight of the new green grass sprouting forth confirmed such a scent. It was wonderful...

There are times when the road I am on seems long and makes me weary. Sometimes it's so hard to see the end or at least relief in sight. On the drive I stopped in a canyon with a canopy of trees, and there were dead leaves all over the sides of the road. As I bent down, I saw these beautiful green tufts of grass poking through the dead leaves, and they stood stronger, higher, than the death surrounding. It was subtle, but there.

Talking with some people close to me today reminded me that there is growth abounding in me, even when I do not readily see it. I am learning. I am growing. I am traveling on this road though I am not at the end of it. I look forward to the spring in which it will be in full bloom and I can rest in some way.

In the meantime, though, I am thankful for the hope God has renewed in me, that there are tufts of grass along the way, small, but in time, it will become a vast meadow. Both literally and figuratively, that's a good thing to wait for.

But it does take time. And that's where I must rest and be patient.

Always Running

Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
But as I run into an unknown future
I look behind to see the tracks I’ve made
Yet somehow they have disappeared
And I find myself in a world I’ve created
That has distanced me from the one that exists
Because as tangible as I’d like it to be
It’s as fickle as the vanishing mist

My dreams seem to lift me to the heights
The words within me seem to create a beautiful state of being
My mind constantly paints the pictures
Of what I can envision and would like my future to be
It’s like twirling around in a fairy tale
Even with the evil the good always prevails
And the happily ever after is always there
The bliss seems incomparable
And so still I create the scenarios
Of what could best assimilate
The reality of a fairy tale state

But I always find myself waiting
Waiting to see which of the scenarios I’ve created might come to be
And I’m always waiting
Waiting for the next best thing that’s supposed to come
I’ve subjected myself to believing
that life is as predictable as the fictitious stories I’ve always heard
And I’m always believing
That there’s always something better yet to be

It’s like a line drawn in the sand
Reality on one side and dreams on the other hand
And as long as I straddle the line I will never be fully where I should
As much as my dreams pull me to its side
As long as I breathe breath of air in this life
Reality will have its hold on me
And that’s really where I should fully be
But it’s so hard to let go and let reality carry me
Maybe even surprise me
That it could be better than the pictures and dreams I create

I’m always running
Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
Bound to be surprised when the fickle mist lifts its veil
Finding myself face to face with reality
But I’m always running
Always running ahead of where I need to be

Passions and Desires

It seems like I have been confronted a lot lately with passions and desires. In so many ways, they are these big concepts and ideas that I cannot fully pin down, grasp, or understand. But there is one aspect with it that I’ve been realizing as of late.

Passions and desires are incredibly inconvenient. They don’t fit in neatly in life at all. It seems the world requires so many ordinary and mundane things of us that we allow ourselves to be subjected to. The world's obligations seem to max out our obligations but leave us wholly unsatisfied. Passions and desires aren't able to be compartmentalized. It’s not something that simply fits in a 2-hour time slot in which we can focus on it during that, and then move on.

A lot of my life lately has been of the organizational nature. I’ve had to be incredibly wise and diligent with my time in order to fulfill the obligations and tasks I either take (like Veritas) or others I’m subjected to (like homework). I’m thankful that I am able to do a lot of things that are using my talents and gifts God’s given me, and it is good. There’s a measure of me that loves the neatness I can create, my complex to do lists in which I can map out and plan everything I need to get done and do so, and the schedule I can easily follow. But, I’m honestly kind of tired of it.

I find myself overwhelmed with my passions and desires but feel like I don’t have the time to devote to them or to allow them to be manifested unless the world stopped spinning. And it frustrates me. My mind and heart is often so consumed with these passions and desires that it can feel like I’m just biding time in the things I do now. I know that’s not true, but it is hard to see it otherwise. I feel like I’m always waiting. That someday, there will be a time, but in the meantime, time keeps on passing by.

To some degree, I do understand these passions and desires in a broad concept. I believe God is leading me slowly to more specifics. But there’s a lot of waiting in there. There’s a lot of need of patience. There’s a lot of need in trust of God’s sovereignty.

Last quarter, I was really crippled with my passions and desires. I didn’t know how in the world I could possibly retain them, hope for them, live into them, wait for them, that I believe I became crippled and shut down. It’s been a long recovery process which I am still in to some degree. Sometimes, they just seem so lofty. Sometimes, they just seem too strong. Sometimes they feel naïve. Sometimes it feels like I am hoping for things that I shouldn’t, that I will be disappointed. Sometimes it feels like I am the only dreamer in a world of convenience, a world that does not lend itself to the pursuit of said dreams and passions.

I was crippled because the passions, desires, and dreams have always been so strong and I believe many grow stronger, but in waiting, my hopes just fell. The lack of manifestation of them in the present was rendering me disappointed. It just seemed so unrealistic, that I was trying to be a naïve girl in an adult world. In an adult world that doesn’t allow them or leave room for them.

But in the recovery process God’s been bringing me through, I’ve been reassured that these passions, desires, and dreams do have purpose. That I am not wrong or naïve to hope for them. As difficult and inconvenient as they can be at times, they are at the core of my existence, and I believe, part of my “calling,” though that’s a trite word. I don’t think the problem lies with the fact that we all have dreams, passions and desires. The problem lies in that we live in a world that doesn’t give room for them to be pursued or manifested. In saying this, I feel naïve still, but maybe God wants me to embrace those passions, fight for the manifestation of them, and allow Him to use it. I think the problem also lies in that we are scared to do so. It means change. It means embracing the unexplained, the things that aren’t readily explained and don’t make sense to others. I think sometimes we fight so hard to belong in an aspect we don’t need to. We don’t need to try and fall in the area of the commonplace. Instead, perhaps we are to be the first to stand up in a crowd, and be pleasantly surprised when many many more stand up with us.

In some ways still, I am crippled by the manifestation of said passions and desires, but God is leading the way. He’s helping me to see purpose in them. I’m now learning to understand and embrace them.

And hopefully soon, I’ll begin to walk in them.

Hopefully soon, this waiting time will be over.

But for now, He says wait. And I have to trust He knows what’s best.

Theme of 2008

It's pretty amazing that there could be a passage of scripture that encompasses so much of what has fallen within a year, but there is. God is good to give and reveal. He brought me back to Hebrews 6 tonight, and I remembered that different parts have been themes throughout the year. Yet, in its entirety, it speaks volumes. Volumes more than I ever could about what 2008 has brought. He is surely faithful.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits. For it is impossible to restore again to repentance those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they then fall away, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.

Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. For God is not so unjust as to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6, ESV

Thought of Longsuffering

From my journal entry:
The hardest thing about longsuffering is the waiting on promises to be realized amidst the threatening thought that it never will be.

It is Beautiful

As I was driving today, I was thinking about the story and life of Jesus, particularly the description found in Isaiah 53. It made me ponder the reality that Jesus’ life was a difficult one, not without persecution, suffering, or difficulties. Though He was fully God, He was also fully man and in His life here on this earth, subject to the very same things I am.

Yet, in knowing His story, life, and message, it cannot be denied that it was a beautiful one. It cannot be easily ignored that with the suffering came redemption and restoration. What makes His story so beautiful could be the pairing of stark contrasts that we seldom could not see paired otherwise, such as: “The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him” (Isaiah 53:5). It goes on to say He was a lamb led to the slaughter, and it brings the picture of pure white wool stained with the blood that came.

But there was redemption. There was purpose in the very slaughter. “It was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities” (Isaiah 53:10-11). And ultimately, there was hope.

On the eve of the birth of my Savior, I find there to be a lyric sung at church this morning that captures an irony well: “why would He send a little baby…?” Looking at that statement alone, it makes no sense. Yet, in the whole picture, it is a beautiful thing and understood.

I am finding great comfort in the life of my Savior. It makes the realities of mine make more sense, as my Savior lives through me. My life is not one without difficulties, and I am subject to things of this world. In many ways, I relate to that lyric sung this morning, “why would He send a little baby?” So often I feel like a baby with such lofty purpose and plans put upon me that in that context, do not make sense. But I am reminded of the contrasts and how they are beautiful. I am reminded of looking at the whole picture and seeing it as purposeful. That is true for me. My Savior lives in me, and just as I am subject to the realities of this world, I am more so subject to the life of Him, full of redemption and purpose, full of mercy and love. Just as the life He lived was not an easy one, so too, is mine.

But it is purposeful.

And ultimately, it is beautiful.

Elise gave me this quote tonight...not sure who it is from, but something in need of remembering and putting into action in my life right now.

“Walking in the power of the Holy Spirit in ministry means peacefully, happily trusting God in the midst of leaving things undone.”

In Drink

Seems like it’s a long, dry road I’ve been walking
An exhaustion of the body and soul and spirit
Pressing on despite the difficulties that reside
Still trusting that You are good.
Still knowing that You are sovereign.
Yet wondering where it is this road leads and why
The elements haven’t helped the exhaustion
Nor the questions
Sometimes tired eyes squint so hard to see what the next step is
And that can prove to be too much.
It becomes one foot after the other
Trudging forth out of sheer will that seems deplete
derived from knowing You are still there in it all
And You will never leave.

But it’s so easy to forget in the midst of a dry road
to drink of living water
the unending fount
I forget the providence You bring
I don’t walk on my own
You are sustenance.
You always provide.
May I fall so then I can be carried
Not rely on stubborn self-will
Need I drink
Need I rest to survive
Need I find the fount of water that multiplies
Beyond my greatest need
But in drink
May I delight.
To know You are the source of life.

Getting Free from Entanglement

There are some lessons in life that one cannot venture to explain the nature of it for some time. It’s like a journey so deep into a forest, which is purposeful in itself, but there is no way to connect with those outside the forest and explain what it is like unless you are there outside or they are with you within. My nature is to explain what I am going through with people, in an attempt to understand better what I am going through (I’m a verbal processor) and also that they may share in it as well. I believe strongly in the power of community and the measure of accountability that can come from it, but that in itself I have been learning is not absolute.

There’s a lot I have been going through lately. A lot of the things in my life that were once so black and white became increasingly gray and I’ve been attempting to understand why. I’ve been trying to reason through many of these things, hoping that once it made at least some sense in my mind that things would fall into place. But what I have found is that is not really true. The mind is an amazing faculty and gift given to us by God, but I also see it as one of the easiest things for Satan to deceive. He wants us to try to wrap our minds around intangible things to make them tangible to us, to try to have an answer for those things that simply don’t have answers, and to get us so concerned with the aspect of understanding why we believe what we do with specific things that we get away from the whole point of faith. We are to walk by faith, not by sight. There’s a reason many things and aspects of God are called mysteries. There’s a reason why we don’t understand, and it is that we are finite while He is infinite. And in all our struggle to gain an infinite understanding of the reasons to have faith, whether conscious or unconscious, the process of attempting to do so proves our earthly wisdom to be more finite than ever.

We don’t live in a cookie-cutter world, though sometimes that looks appealing. Sometimes it would be nice to have set criteria for what we are to do and who we are to be. It would make things simpler. It would make the quest for the right answer an achievable task. But as tempting as that is sometimes, I do realize that it makes our lives about achieving the “right” answer, doing the “right” thing, being the “right” person, all judged by uniform criteria that realistically, cannot be applied to such a diverse world. It becomes about achievements and works rather than a journey of faith, a journey of learning and failing and learning again. It would make our character a “right” or “wrong” thing rather than one in which it needs to evolve and be refined over time. We would miss the point of our life being a journey of faith that evolves and ideally strengthens.

It’s hard to classify specifically what I’ve been wrestling with, but I think it has to do with understanding the difference between aspects of God’s sovereignty and aspects of choices on my part. The prime example I can think of a demonstration of God’s sovereignty is that He sent His son Jesus to die, a one-time act that bought the pardon of all and could not be changed, subtracted from or added to. Yet, there is a choice on the part of every human being to accept the pardon or to reject it. The act of God’s sovereignty never changes, but there is still a response and choice to be made to the sovereignty.

I can’t tell of how many examples there have been in my life of this condition in the last few months, and how many remain. I would say I am really similar to Job in that I know God, I know His truths (though I can always know more), but I have questioned His motives and ways in doing what He is doing. I have forgotten to rest in the fact that He is sovereign and who He is. It’s almost like I’ve had a cynical faith. I’ve also had this harsh dose of reality over the past couple of months in that the world is broken. It seems like the dreams that once seemed so realistically and easily dreamed when I was younger now seem too lofty, and that saddens me. It shows me where I’ve forgotten to hold onto faith and not to tangible realities.

John and I talked about Romans 8 the other night, and it spoke a lot of truth. What I took away from our conversation is that we cannot change that which is sovereign and those things that only God can do. Fighting against it proves useless. However, there are aspects of our character (mentioned in Colossians 3) that we are to take an active part in correcting, doing away with, and refining. That process helps us yield to God’s sovereignty, because we are actively seeking to be holy, seeking the higher way rather than the conditions of this world and our flesh. We are to “put on the new man” (Col 3:10), and that requires action on our part. We are called to obey His commands, and the act of doing so is an act of love on our part towards God.

I think we often forget that that very process, though usually difficult and uncomfortable, is for our benefit. It enables the freedom for things to come about that couldn’t easily before. We cannot receive unless our hands and hearts are open to do so and aren’t previously occupied. We cannot yield to God’s sovereignty if we don’t see the need to do so.

I’m sure I’m off on a tangent here, but I think our efforts need to be in understanding the big picture and abstract concept of what God requires of us instead of analyzing things to a concrete detail that we miss the point. Instead of trying to understand every single part of why God is doing a specific thing, we need to instead focus on the fact that God is doing a specific thing, and we can trust Him to be who He is in doing that very thing. We don’t ask the right questions, and we often ask too many.

I heard it said a while ago that there is a reason Jesus talked in parables instead of bullet points. It is that there is a general meaning and concept behind the message He gives, but to make everything a point-by-point map would diminish the need for faith. It would surely become about works instead. We have some very clear directions that we should take as just that: clear commands to respond to such as in Colossians 3, and concerning our salvation through Jesus alone, such as in Acts 4:11-12. We should not try to make those clear concepts ambiguous, but to respond to them accordingly. Yet at the same time, there are many things, such as the aspect of hope that we are called to, that is much more abstract. The general idea of it is consistent, and we are all called to it, but how it is applied varies. There’s not a clear-cut pattern as to how we are to do it, and we should not think it is such.

I cannot change or bring about what is sovereign, but I can yield myself to it.

The ironic thing about writing this is that in one aspect, I’m trying to explain the answer I’ve been receiving in the state I’ve been in as of late. However, the answer is that I am seeking out answers that I cannot reach or are not there. I’m asking too many questions. I need to yield myself to that which is sovereign and have faith, one that endures and bears the fruit of longsuffering. I also need to actively pursue doing the commands that have been specifically mentioned.

I’ve let too many things that were/are black and white become gray. I may not understand why such a thing is black or white, but it simply is what it is. I can’t muddle black and white together intentionally to make gray. If you’ve ever mixed paint, you will understand that black and white are pure colors, and once you start mixing them, they are forever tainted and you cannot get back to the pure white or black. It will just be varying shades of gray. Thankfully, our faith is not like that, and the muddled gray can be redeemed to its purity. Yet, I think it should be a strong example of the danger that can come in questioning the wrong things. It’s hard to recover.

I will leave it with this: God surely has used this process and overall it has been beneficial because it has shown me the extreme finite nature of my mind. Yet, I allowed Satan a foothold in asking questions I didn’t need to, and those need to be redeemed. I’m thankful that He does so. Here is a quote from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that concludes it well. (The enemy is God, and it is spoken from Satan’s and the devil’s perspectives.)

“My dear Wormwood, I note what you say about guiding your patient’s reading and taking care that he sees a good deal of his materialist friend. But are you not being a trifle naïve? It sounds as if you supposed argument was the way to keep him out of the enemy’s (God’s) clutches. That might have been so if he lived a few centuries earlier. At that time the humans still knew pretty well when a thing was proved and when it was not; and if it was proved, they really believed it. They still connected thinking with doing and were prepared to alter their life as the result of a chain of reasoning. But with the weekly press and other such weapons, we have largely altered that. Your man has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to have a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together in his head. He doesn’t think of doctrines as primarily ‘true’ or ‘false,’ but as ‘academic’ or ‘practical,’ ‘outworn’ or ‘contemporary,’ ‘conventional’ or ‘ruthless.’ Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from the church.”

"I Still Believe" lyrics, by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

[Chorus:]
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

[Chorus]

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

One Day At a Time

I wrote in class yesterday, "Lord, You ask of me a strength that I do not have...in order that Yours may be manifested instead." And it has been. I look back on the past couple of months and it has been a hard couple of months. But it hasn't crushed me like it would've in the past. I see more and more that the times of trials and difficulties I go through reveal the true substance of my faith in God; it asks the question 'how much He is my strength?' because He is more than substantial. His strength carries me, one day at a time. I empathize a lot with the lyrics below especially in the conditions of this world but how "I can feel [His] fullness in my life." I'm amazed at how though I still live in a largely broken world, still He can heal and redeem, especially within me. And I will continue to walk one day at a time.

One Day At A Time lyrics by Jeremy Camp

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up, shut down, held out, held down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out, broken down, torn out, torn down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And I'll give all I can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things I will press on
I'll be with you I know it wont be long

I See These Glimpses of Glory

I was in a coffee shop this afternoon getting some work done while there was a local musician playing his songs. He was not known, but full of zeal and enthusiasm which I appreciated. I looked forward to having some music accompany my design work, but I gained something much more than I expected: the observation of a tangible, beautiful reality; and it translated into another "glimpse of glory" that I keep getting time after time again lately in the midst of this broken world. It's those moments in which you see a picture of how things were intended to be. It's something that gives hope in the midst of brokenness. It was simple, but beautiful...
_______________________________________________


In a coffee shop on a crisp fall afternoon
There was a man in a corner, guitar in hand
singing his songs to the few who had come to hear
Most tarried around him occupied with the things they had come to do
But there was a woman standing in a corner
Watching him play like she had never heard music before
In the midst of a chord, he caught her eye
Smiled through the people and just wouldn’t let her pass by

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
makes me wonder just how and when
this broken world before us
left standing in the glass that shattered
can finally allow the redemption within

He played a little longer and she kept moving a little closer
waiting for the moment the song was to end
He put the guitar down with one hand and embraced her with the other
Turns out she’s his biggest fan
They shared a moment in the midst of the little café
Delighted in one another because the beginnings of a dream had come true
This was his night and time to shine
and she only had eyes for him

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
gives me hope and makes me wonder
when this broken world that lays at my feet
and my heart that lies within
can be bound up and healed

But he only had eyes for her too
a little while later he invited her to the front of the room
He wanted her to join in his last song
She pulled up a chair next to him and together they sang along
And by the looks of them, they were the only people in the room
Here was him and here was her and that was more than enough
in the midst of a night of sparse applause it was her love that carried him through
But oh, how he loved her too
If I had the chance, I would tell her
He had only eyes for you

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
is what carries me through
in my hope in a God who redeems
Because though the world is broken and shattered
it’s not what it was intended to be
and what carries me through
is my hope in a God who redeems
The pictures of beauty that I see
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
I see these glimpses of glory

"What are human beings that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention, that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?" Job 7:17-19

A true thought in the fact that we can never escape His presence or hand, and that is not always an easy reality. However, it is coupled with great hope in that we can never escape His presence or hand, and thus, always reside in His sovereign grace. May our heart's response go from the above to the below:

"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; what is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, and You crown him with glory and majesty!" Psalm 8:3-5

Kites After 21

I tried to fly a kite alone today. It didn’t really work.

The conditions seemed to be favorable. A steady wind was blowing and I was at the top of Perfumo Canyon at sunset. I had panoramic views all around me of the hills, the ocean, and the evening fog rolling in from the bay into the valley. It was so warm that I was happy in shorts and a t-shirt, which is a rarity of Central Coast nights.

I have long wanted to fly a kite again, especially at the beach. I was at the grocery store today and they had their random clearance boxes out. In them was an assortment of cloth kites, mostly Barbie and Princess kites, marked down to $2.50. I elected for the butterfly kite instead and was excited about my purchase. I left it in my car today thinking that sometime soon I might get a good chance to fly it.

I was doing homework this afternoon when I got the inkling to go up to Perfumo Canyon. It’s been a special place for me largely because of the two different people I shared the discovery with last year, but I haven’t been back since. I waited until about 45 minutes before sunset to drive up.

It was a beautiful drive. I had my camera and bible in tow and was greatly looking forward to the opportunity to enjoy my God’s creation and His presence. I stopped at the top where one can see Morro Bay and basically have a 360-degree view. I got my camera and bible out and went to go sit on the top of my car when I saw my kite in the back, and with the wind, I got really excited. Flying a kite at the “top of the world” (at least in SLO county) seemed amazing. I crossed the road into an open field and started my many attempts.

Like I said earlier, it didn’t really work. The butterfly kite was suspended in the wind, but was tossing about and turning, usually just a couple of feet above the ground. It kept turning backwards and fighting the wind rather than having its wings open and letting the wind suspend it. I tried a couple of different ways to set it off myself, but they didn’t work.

I knew it pretty much from the beginning—that I wasn’t going to be able to fly it alone—but I tried it for a while anyway. I didn’t want to waste such a beautiful night and not try.

But there are just some things that can’t be done alone.

I was talking to Kate today and she talked about lives merging. She was saying that in coming together, things are not the same as one was as an individual. But she said that there is a different happiness found in the merging, that some things get cut out, but the end result is incredible.

It reminded me of the necessity and benefit of sacrifice in relationship, not just with people, but with my dear Lord.

After my failed attempts, I drove down the hill a little ways and watched the remainder of the sunset from the top of my car. I talked to God during it, and found myself in amazement in how so many things have changed. Life is incredibly different now. I turned 22 yesterday, which is odd for many different reasons. As I sat on my car and thought about these things and more tonight, I firmly realized I am not a kid at all anymore. In some ways, I’m really not the same person I have been in the past, as I’ve “grown up.” I find myself increasingly thankful for the unchangeable character of God in the midst of so much changing circumstance.

There is so much I don’t understand.

There is so much that I have no idea how it will come about.

But I know the hope that I cling firmly to…and that outweighs it all.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God (Psalm 62:5-7).