Searching for Nuggets of Wisdom

I wrote last about the period of time I am currently in: ‘But Not Yet.’ Around and since then, I have been desperately craving wisdom as to what to do, think, and feel. There are times I feel utterly lost in it, and all I can do is press on, trusting my Lord in the steps He has or doesn’t have me take yet.

My nature tends to be a very practical one. I am logical, like to solve problems, have a plan, think of all the alternatives, etc. That is what I tend to revert to in most situations, because logic, rather than emotion, has a better history of handling things. Yet, over the last couple of months, God’s been helping me learn what it means to ebb, meaning going along with the “waves of life,” as they can be up and down. It’s been an interesting process for me, as I’ve been learning that the ups and downs are normal, and that emotion outright is not necessarily a bad thing.

Because, as practical and logical as I am, there is a side of me coupled with intense passion and dreams. They are incredibly strong; yet because of the degree of them, I seldom know what to do with them. There’s currently a disconnect between the logic and passion, but as I’ve been praying, I hope the rift between the two is growing smaller.

You can imagine how I am in this season. I’m wanting to revert to my practical and logical nature. Out of that, I’ve been searching for nuggets of wisdom from people who have been through this same season of life I am currently in. I finally got the questions out to my parents last night. My parents, usually one with lots of advice, didn’t have much to say, other than that it is a strange transition time and I will get through it. That answer drew an internal “figures” response, because of course I’m still not getting an answer. I want to be wise and handle things the best I can…but sometimes logic fails.

Now, often times, emotion is overtaking me. I find myself welling up with tears at so many different things or thoughts, sometimes even crying before I sleep. Some of it is a sad crying, but a lot of it is just emotion. A lot of it is the response derived from me in that things are changing, and will continue to drastically. I wept severely the other night at the realization that my relationship with my parents will never be the same again. That will continue to grow and change, but the days of childhood are past, even in their eyes. Other times, I don’t even know so much of why I am crying. Yet, it seems to be part of this rite of passage I am going through this summer, and I am attempting to embrace it, especially because logic does not seem to be winning lately.

I read through Ecclesiastes, the book of the search of wisdom, last night after John and I talked about a passage from it the other night. I can’t tell you what a comfort I found in it. I found a kindred soul in Solomon, as he examined the world and how we fit within it through many different acts and searches of wisdom. He endeavored to find the meaning of life in so many different ways, but comes back to the fact that God is in the center, and when we look to Him, then and there we are satisfied and fulfilled, and there we find meaning. It doesn’t come from searching around us, as all of those end up being “meaningless!”

I read through Kate’s blogs today from my current season in her life, and there too, I was comforted. This season is one that just “is.” It is one that is filled with varying emotion and one we get through somehow…but I was greatly encouraged by the fact that in waiting, beautiful things do come. The waiting is fruitful if we allow it to be, and the waiting isn’t forever. We walk through this unfamiliar season in trusting and holding fast to the One who is familiar and constant. And, a fact I realized in reading her blogs that I need to become better with is that for the next several years, there’s going to be an infinite amount of change. That’s reality…and my logic will only be able to carry me so far in it. It’s going to be laced with a lot of emotion. Instead of striving to figure it out as much as I can and leaning on the Lord for the rest, I pray that I will develop the habit of leaning on Him wholly and ultimately.

This has long been a favorite verse of mine from Ecclesiastes, and I will state it again here: “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him” (vs 3:14). It is always relevant to whatever season of life I am in, and always a comfort. In this season, it is a reminder that no matter where I am, how much I have figured out, or rather, how little I can, these things are not dependent upon me. What God chooses to do in this season and with me is up to Him. All that He does, is, and forever will be is so I can respond and worship Him. This season, the one that makes little sense to me, is purposeful, and may I continue to draw nearer to Him with a thankful and worshipful heart. I don’t need a specific reason or thing in my life to draw near to Him. The fact that He IS is more than enough. And there, I pray that emotion would overtake me as well…