Pause

Main Entry:
pause
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
paused; paus·ing
Date:
15th century
intransitive verb 1 : to stop temporarily 2 : to linger for a time

Though I know words can never fully define the movements and workings of God, if I were forced to pick a word that describes what He has me doing this summer, it would be the word Pause. I find it amazing that something I have so often prayed and hoped for, yet thought was unrealistic to do so, has actually come into fruition this summer. In so many ways, my life has paused while time keeps on playing simultaneously. It is a bizarre experience.

Yet there is so much purpose in it. God has physically put me in a place where I can rest fully, in the physical and spiritual terms of the word. I have needed it tremendously. I see it clearly now as I’ve been able to look back on the lessons He has taught me in the last couple of years, this last one in particular. A steep learning curve would be an understatement. The usage of the word lessons is really an understatement as well. It implies an act in which one obtains knowledge. I don’t underestimate the value of lessons, and I know God doesn’t either. But if we were to focus purely on the lessons we learn, we would only be focusing on one aspect the way we were created to live and act-coming to know and love God through our mind. In some ways I wonder if that is why I have craved time to reflect on said lessons in the past, because through that time I was able to tangibly grasp it through the processing of my mind. God has been doing something far greater over the last year-and that is through the “lessons” He has brought, He has been bringing me to love Him fully; with every aspect of my being. We were created with so many facilities to experience Him and the life He has given us; to limit the things He brings to just one aspect seems to belittle creation.

Obviously, the greatest commandment is “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” I find it interesting just now as I look it up in my bible and when the command mind comes in, it comes in the Gospels when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He replied “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” However, mind is never mentioned in the cross references to that very passage in my bible. It comes from the Lord speaking to Moses to Israel, and all that is mentioned throughout the old testament is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” Mind isn’t mentioned there. I’m not going to get into a theological exposition here and now, but it does strike my curiosity greatly.

Lately I have been finding myself overwhelmed at His character in every way. For the first time in my life one day last week, I wrote a one-sentence journal entry. It read, “Dear Lord, You are overwhelmingly beautiful…” That was all I could bring myself to say, all that my words could utter though my heart was overwhelmed with His presence. That has been one of the tremendous blessings of time pausing. For once I’m not so blinded by the burdens and responsibilities of everyday life that I so often let hinder me from the presence of God. With this pause, He is teaching me what it is to find Him, and find Him fully. I’m allowing Him to take my breath away because for once I am stopped from hindering the presence of God. The responsibility is not His to bring us into His presence; He is omnipresent. The responsibility is ours to strip away or push aside what hinders or holds us back from it. So often we are childlike not in our faith, but in how we handle what has been given to us. We are desperate to make excuses, to do anything that would keep the burden of responsibility on someone or something else. We also make blessings burdens. May we never do this injustice.

Time has paused in the place of my childhood and youth. I knew very clearly that I was to be home this summer several months ago, and one of those reasons is clear. I’m in this time in my life in between childhood/youth and the beginnings of adult life beckoning. In this pause, I have been able to see clearly what has laid behind me. Being back in the same environment in which I grew up in causes me to fall into old habits and ways of doing things. The main thing is my lack of vulnerability with my parents. There was a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood with my older brother, a long story in itself. My way of handling it or my response to it was to not let anything affect me. It was to force myself to be a steady, unwavering presence in my family, learning to work through things on my own or with my closest friend(s). My parents had so much on their plate already and the house was usually in more than enough turmoil that there simply wasn’t any room for me to be anything but steady. This way of being became so ingrained in my character over my childhood and youth, and God has had to largely break it over the past couple of years in college. Praise be to Him that He has. Yet, there has been more breaking, in a lot of ways, the final breaking, to happen here. I am to break this way of being in the very place it began. It is a tangible aspect of breaking one of the bondages of childhood and moving onto adulthood. I have been praying for opportunities for this to happen this summer. It came out of the blue last night. In a conversation with my parents about a lot of things to come, God broke me and helped me to be fully vulnerable with my parents. I can’t tell you what happened in it. It blessed all of us in so many unexpected ways. Fully beautiful, fully Him. I am home this summer to bring a closure to this aspect of my life, childhood, that hasn’t had a chance to be yet. More than that, I’m home to let God redeem these things of my childhood in order that I may move forward in what He has next.

It is good…but it is strange too. A perfect example is seeing a good friend of mine from high school get married yesterday. I have known her for seven years, since freshman year of high school. We wrote notes incessantly that first year we knew each other, and I read through the ones I have before her wedding. I found myself amazed at how much has changed since then. In reading those notes, it was like going back into time and fully understanding what life was like then for the first time. It made me appreciate all the more where we stand today, especially seeing her yesterday ready in every way to be married, to be a wife. God has shaped her in beautiful ways, many of which were unexpected to me. I am blessed to call her my friend, and I love that in many ways, we grew up together. Yet it is strange that I am at this age in my life where these things are happening, where people I know right around my age are getting engaged, married, even some having babies. In so many ways, that is the epitome of adult life to me. It encompasses all the challenges and blessings of that time. It has been so weird to have my life in pause while time has been playing around me. I see these people I have known since my youth entering full-fledged adulthood, ready to take on full responsibility, but more than that, ultimately, the fullest form of love shown on this earth, and that is to become one flesh with another. That is to enter a covenant of laying down your rights, entitlements, desires, wants, etc., for the better of another person. It is the ultimate form of love, and I find myself in this amazed wonder at how God has chosen this very love to show a picture of the love He has for us. It is so utterly profound. It is a mystery that we learn and walk in for the rest of our lives on this earth. It is no coincidence or mistake that God has designed this covenant between man and woman to be one of forever, through trials, blessings, pain, joy, all the things that life can bring-because that is the covenant we have with Him.

In this pause I am finding a contentment and joy that is contradictory. It is found equally in the past, present, and future. I see the foundation of the past, the joy of the present, and the promise of the future. It is all perfectly intertwined together, meant to be experienced as a unit rather than separate entities. It all perfectly bears the work and mark of our dear Creator, loving Father, precious Lord. It is strange, and it is foreign, because it is not of this world. But it’s where I’m supposed to be, and I rejoice in that. This overflow of my heart in this pause leaves me in no place to doubt, but to fully love, and that is the greatest commandment-to love. “To LOVE the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” We love Him in many different ways and should love Him in all ways, but we must remember our acts of doing are for the purpose to love…and that is the greatest of all.

What Have We to Say?

Blessings upon blessings
Trials of drought and fire
Heights of mountains to valleys deep
Knowledge given and knowledge stripped away
In the storm to the light of day
And one may wonder what have we to say?

When the words are all stripped away and I simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May I come to find You alone and long to bring You praise
Love’s breath has been spoken upon me
That You alone are all I need
For who You are is the greatest thing
And may love be the song I sing

Delight in wonder
Stand in awe
Look up and listen to the thunder
And hear the voice of His call
Can we hear Him speaking in it all?

When He strips the words away and we simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May we come to find Him alone and long to bring Him praise
His love’s breath has been spoken upon us
He alone is all we need
For who He be is the greatest thing
May love be the song we sing

A Summer's Eve

John said something a couple weeks ago about how blessed we are in SLO with the fellowship we have there. Though at the time he said it, I knew it was true, the meaning hasn't really sunk in fully until the past few days. I am incredibly blessed with the people in my life, though I often take their presence for granted.

And though this past almost month has been a blessing to be still and quiet before God with very few people around me (basically my family and John's family), I am missing people very much. I miss people in SLO quite a bit, but I realize the thing I am missing the most is the aspect of fellowship as a whole.

I am here in Colorado this summer, which is exactly where God has me. I see that clearly each day. Yet tonight, I see the necessity for being intentional in seeking out fellowship here, even with people I haven't seen in a long while.

There is a need to have multiple people in one's life, both for the pouring out and receiving. I realize I am much better for the people in my life if I have this.

I talked to my mom for a good while tonight, letting her in on my life, something I don't usually do. In the missing of fellowship, however, God still uses situations for His best--because I need to open up to my mom more. Through His grace, I was able to do so tonight.

There lies responsibility on my part to maintain and be a good steward of what God has given me, and I know I often fail at doing so. That is why I am so thankful to have a gracious, sovereign God who knows me full well and is in control of every situation and my entire life. I am nothing without Him.

A Greater Mystery Still...

Taken from my journal entry from tonight

But in this all, there is a greater mystery still. It is that of learning what it means to crucify myself to the fullest, and not with sorrow, but abounding joy. It is learning to praise You because You alone are worthy, not because of anything I have or will receive. It is learning to say, “Yes Lord,” in every circumstance regardless of trial, difficulty, or pain, because I choose to have the knowledge of who You are first and foremost. It is learning not to be swept up in the moments and situations of this world, but instead, swept up by who You are. It is about You and me in its own entity. It’s about not just knowing that You are more than enough, but letting You be more than enough. It’s about running to You in every circumstance, not just when I find myself in need. It’s about being put in my right position before You, Creator of earth, but also receiving the grace You have given to know You intimately. It’s about all of these things and so much more, because there is a greater mystery still. It’s a mystery that I cannot come to know in its fullest in this lifetime, but one I shall strive to seek evermore. There is an endless mystery that lies deep within You, the triune Godhead, and it is within that mystery I pray I always find myself.

Unconditional

There’s really no good place to begin, except with that God is more than enough. In all honesty, that should be the preface of my life and my first thought in everything I face and do. And praise be to Him who is teaching me this very thing.

I was driving home tonight down CO Highway 83 and was conversing with God about the multitude of things that lay on my heart, driving through tears. And there are still no words for the tenderness of His presence…that if one draws near, he/she will truly find Him. Throughout today I have found Him speaking to my heart with His truth and love, making difficult situations purposeful, in order that I may seek and find Him.

God has been laying the story of Abraham on my heart the past couple of days, especially in that He waited so many years for the promise of a son. I went and read Hebrews 11 last night, and God has since been opening my eyes to something deeper there…you can read the chapter here.

I have read the following part before but have never quite understood what was meant by it: 13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

As I read this over and over again last night along with some commentaries and cross references, I finally understood what was meant by them not receiving what was promised. The reference is to the promise of the Promised Land and also for a Messiah, and neither of them came in the aforementioned lifetimes. I’ve been letting that truth along with the other verses sink in over today, and with it, God has answered a lot of my prayers.

What hits me is that though none of those people received what was promised, their hope was not in vain. Their love for God was not conditional. Though these promises were made, they were not basing their faith on what they received, but rather, trust, hope, love. Would anyone of us look back on their stories and call them fools for waiting for something they never received in their lifetimes? I highly doubt it. I think so often we read this chapter from Hebrews and are moved by what God did in their lives by their measure of faith, but I think in that, we miss something more beautiful still—and that is what God didn’t do in their lives but how their faith remained.

I found this on one of my friend’s Facebook pages last night in how she described herself, and it spoke to me much along the same lines:
I'm striving for a goal that I will never reach during my life here. This may make me sound pessimistic, but it is the most encouraging truth to me. Striving after this ambition isn't always easy, but it always proves to be beautiful. Because I stand for something bigger than myself. And there is joy in the fact that letting go of everything else is enough.

Looking back on my life, I have always based my faith on promises received and the manifestation of such. I have looked to situations and blessings and challenges all as reasons to worship God; in other words, tangible things. I haven’t known what it means to worship God only because He is God, and let that be more than enough. He is making that distinction in my life, and bringing me ever more into His presence and grip. It’s now hard not to praise Him for who He is. But still, the lesson remains as my flesh is fickle and wants to look to these tangible things first as reason to draw near to Him. In this, God has been asking me the question of “what would you do and your response be if nothing and no one else in this world remained but Me?” And if I can’t answer that question being fully found in peace, then I deem I am not dwelling in the truths and presence of God…

Because He is always more than enough.

And today, I have found Him speaking both in general and in a couple of specific situations, that my hope is not in vain. There are promises upon which I continue to wait, and at times, do not see the manifestation of the fulfilling of; yet because I place my trust in the Most High and dwell in the truths and promises of His word, I know my hope is not in vain. But in the hoping, there is waiting. In the waiting, there is trust. And in the trust, there better be God, because anything else will fall away.

In the waiting, there comes this need to place my full faith in One alone, even if I may never see or receive promises made in this lifetime. Just like the people mentioned in Hebrews 11, there were promises God fulfilled in their lifetimes and others He did not. I’ve been praying and asking God how I am to love selflessly, and His answer was clear tonight. It is in the waiting. It is in the placing my trust in One greater that He is more than enough regardless if I receive anything tangible in my lifetime. The waiting strips away myself and my desires, because I can’t seek out what I want or hope for. And my love must be great enough to continue and persevere even if I never receive anything I hope for or that is promised.

Because that’s unconditional love.

Because that’s unconditional faith.

Because He is always more than enough.

And He is always more than worthy of all my praise.

5,087 Miles in 16 days...

...traveled all by car. The first bout was a drive home to Colorado with John from SLO; the second was a trip with my parents all over the west; particularly, Canada. Here is a map of the route I've traveled, with the places I particularly spent time in highlighted.

As I'm home tonight, I continue to find myself quieted. That was one of many purposes of God having me on these trips, and it is so good. Perhaps in time, I will write more about what God has been doing and teaching me, but tonight is not the night.

Until He beckons me to, I will remain quiet, and let Him speak for Himself.

Tearing the Curtain

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at 9:15 PM

I have never experienced 17 hours of continual daylight before. But as I sit in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada on vacation with my parents, I have been experiencing that very thing. I don’t see it as mere coincidence that I am so far north when the solstice happens (tomorrow).
I find my body is governed by light. Being here has reminded me of being a kid in the summer and having to go to bed before the sun set. It seemed unnatural to do so. It was the same thing last night, as the sun didn’t set until after 10 p.m. I was (and am) energized by the daylight, and I can’t bring myself to sleep as long as the sun is still out. But my mom was tired last night and so we pulled the blackout curtains over our three large hotel windows around 9:30 p.m., well before the sun set. I couldn’t help but feel we were doing such injustice. It was hard for me to understand last night why I felt such a way, but after some time being still over the river tonight, God revealed why.

It felt like such an injustice because we were exerting our control over a situation that shouldn’t have been. So often we cover the light because it is inconvenient to our circumstances. We exert our control far too much. What we fail to remember and recognize is that beyond the closed curtain, the light keeps on shining—and we can never change that. So why do we ignore it? Why do we not allow it to teach us? We fail to recognize that there is much waiting for us behind the curtain.

It put into words what I know I so often do. God’s light penetrates and exposes my true condition, for there is nothing for me to hide behind. But so often, I too, pull back the curtain because it seems a time of brokenness or exposure is inconvenient. I would rather see the light when I choose to do so. What I fail to remember in that is that the light continues to shine behind my own curtain, and I only prolong what the exposure will bring. I realize that when the light is uncomfortable to me, it probably means I am not in it enough, that I have been in the darkness too long and I am having to adjust to the new condition. I must allow God to shine his sovereign light over me at all times and realize the exposure and brokenness is good. It always is, even if it is often difficult. It puts me in my proper position before my Creator, realizing I am mere dust and it is only through His breath I am who I am.

I was remembering the Tabernacle tonight and how there were two curtains before the inner court, where the Holies of Holies was found. Sacrifices had to be presented on the altar in the inner court, and not just once. Then I remembered when Jesus gave his Spirit up upon the cross and breathed His last breath, it was then the curtain in the temple was torn. It is a beautiful picture of how when His sacrifice was complete, the barriers “preventing” us from attaining access to the Father directly were torn down and away. We can now draw near directly to the Father through Jesus. There is no more veil preventing us from seeing Him directly.

I wonder how often I and others still live as if we are under the Old law, and in a sense, use the curtain as an excuse not to see the Holies of Holies? We do such injustice when we do such a thing, because we fail to recognize what the Father has done for us through the sacrifice of His son…we choose not to allow ourselves to be fully redeemed and continue to present sacrifices upon the altar in place of ourselves. May we be done away with the old and move to the new—the curtain torn down, exposing the light, and fall down at the altar before our Father. We have been bought at such a price to do so—let us never take it in vain.

Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Conundrum

Journal entry from tonight

Dear Lord,

The lyrics of Hosanna by Hillsong describe my heart’s cry well tonight.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I find myself in a conundrum of sorts. I find myself desperately wanting to come before You and pour out my heart because You know me better than anyone; yet at the same time I sit in Your presence and feel that there is no reason for me to do so, as I am a trifle thing compared to You. There is none like You. I sit and contemplate Your creation and I am amazed. I went to Montana de Oro today with Elise briefly, and we sat on the rocky beach as the waves crashed hard against the shore. It was a simply beautiful day. We drove back through the valley and spoke of how the world we live in is incredible, yet it is not even a fraction of all that exists. I recall the movie I saw at church this morning in which the earth from space was shown and it put me in my place. I am nothing.

I was reading the news tonight of the new tribe they found in the Amazon jungle and I was frozen in place, struck speechless and moved unlike any other. I can’t put into words exactly what I felt when I was looking at the pictures and reading the articles of it. Perhaps it was something of the nature that these are a group of people never seen before, never interacted with civilization as we know it. You could see that in the pictures of them wearing war paint shooting arrows at the plane. Perhaps it was the aspect that those people are Yours. They may be sheep not of this fold as Bryan talked about at church this morning, but You are their Shepherd. There is such a rawness about them that is incredibly compelling. In so many ways they seem undefiled by this world and what it has created, away from any form of civilization and living on their own by only all they know. With that, there is so little they know about the world which I see as both a blessing and not. These people have never heard of You, my Lord. I remember reading Jim Eliot’s writings for the first time and being left speechless. I still am to some extent. Lord, I am put in my place in that this world is so much bigger than me, from the largest of countries as a whole to the smallest of tribes that have never been reached. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I went to Liz and Brian Crawford's house today as they gave a presentation about what they are doing next year in Israel, and even still it expanded my world view more. I’ve largely been wrapped up in the region of East Asia as Elise and others are going there next year and this summer, but even still, that’s just a fraction of the world. Who am I in the grand scheme of things? I am nothing.

Yet I am still a sheep of Your flock known and called by name; You know me full well. I’m blown away that in the magnitude of Your creation that You could know me as intimately as You do. It humbles me to know that You choose to know me, to bestow Your love upon me. There is nothing I could ever do to deserve it.

I feel selfish tonight wanting to come before You to pour out my heart to You in light of my position. Out of all of the divine mysteries in this world, what could there be to be said about my life? I don’t want to be so inwardly focused upon myself and what I am learning and going through that I miss sight of the greater picture. I know I run that danger often times. When I look at the world and see Your sovereign hand in it all, I’m amazed. When I look in the part of the world You have me in for this time and see what You are doing, I’m amazed. When I spend time with my closest friends and hear and experience what You are doing in their lives, it often moves me to tears and brings me such joy. I see my newly married friend learning about the covenant of love You have given her and her husband and bestowed upon her and You. I see my friends in Greek ministry ministering and loving those we often choose to look around or ignore because of false stereotypes or inability to relate. I see my roommates and how they are all seeking and finding You in their most unique of ways. I see my love learning what it means to allow You to move his heart and for him to respond accordingly, and it’s beautiful to see and experience. I see my best friend exemplifying what it means to die to herself daily, taking up Your cross, and following You wholeheartedly, no matter what the cost. These people inspire me greatly. I see and experience Your tangible work in their lives.

So why am I also here wanting to look at my life? I think I’ve strongly been desiring to reflect upon what You have been doing in me over this year because You have been changing and refining me tremendously. I want to sit in Your presence and see what that is. At the same time, I see how there are still and forever will be so many things I still don’t understand and have not attained. I’m reminded of this daily, praise be to You. I want to come and seek You out so I may grow in these ways and become more like You. I don’t want to miss out on what You have for me, because I know Your promise in that those who seek You with their whole heart will find You. I want to throw everything I am and have into that. Though I know the road You have us walk after You is not an easy one, I still choose it and want to follow You wholeheartedly, because unlike any other road, this one has the sweetness and security of Your presence. I want to rejoice in what You’ve been doing around me. I want to pray for what You’re doing in me. I want to ask You to search my heart for any offensive way in me, so that I may be pure in Your sight. I want to look at my life because it’s one of the most tangible ways in which I KNOW You and experience You. You speak my language, my dear Lord; You communicate to me best of anyone. You know what brings me to the highest of heights and the lowest of depths. I want to rest in Your presence because You know me full well; I don’t have to hide or try to explain things to You. There is a comfort and security found in You unlike any other. You are my Shepherd, and I know Your voice. I want to run after You.

I wish I knew how to resolve these extremes, because I feel like I can be either so inwardly focused and lose sight of who I am in relation to You and the world or so focused on the world that I lose sight of who You are to me personally. I wish I knew how to be aware of both at the same time. I realize that it is not about me; yet I also realize that You desire to know me. It’s a conundrum.

Yet in the midst of resolving this, I hold fast that You are fully sovereign and good not just in my life but in all of creation. You surely have shown Yourself to be so. I praise You, my dear Lord. I love You tremendously.

Mustard Seed Revisited

It was weird. Tonight I got done with the things I needed to do and wanted to set off to have some down time with God, but for once, I didn’t know what to do. Normally I have some inkling or leading one way or another, but I was actually at a loss. I found myself going to my room to see what God would lead me to do. As I was sitting on my floor, I looked at the very bottom shelf of my bookcase that has all of my handwritten journals. My fingers ran over them as I picked out my green leather one. I couldn’t remember when I started it, but I opened the pages regardless. Out of it fell a clump of papers. I have many of these clumps of papers together, as I type a lot of things out on my computer and then print them to read it later. I was even looking at many of the clumps I have up by my bed the other night. I had forgotten this clump of papers though.

What I found were my notes for speaking at Summer Crusade this past summer, August 15, 2007. God led me to speak on faith that night, and the main passage He gave me was Matthew 17:14-21:
When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples but they could not heal him.” “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

With this passage, God led me to share my own testimony of faith that has been a common theme throughout my life, that being of having a hearing loss and trusting God for the healing of it. Last summer was the time God began speaking tremendously to me specifically about the healing of my hearing loss. He began to bring something into fruition I had come to know two years prior when my eyes were first opened to the passage of The Boy Born Blind in John 9. He began to open up my ears for the first times. I remember the music that night at the Mill as I heard with Jesus’ ears, not my own. He began to show me what it was to ask boldly in His name, trusting that He hears. He began to fulfill prophecy manifested in my life, such as Isaiah 35:3-5: “Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way, say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.” He started me on the path of beginning to leave behind everything I have known in my life with my hearing loss, and walking onward in faith. He brought me back to His purpose not just in this healing, but in my entire life: that I may know Him more and love Him more, and regardless of anything that did or did not happen, that I may be able to walk onward and praise Him. I began praying with the elders of my church, calling upon the truth in James 5: Is anyone of you sick? He should call on the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. He began these intermittent times of open ears. He began so many things last summer. I spoke of these lessons and what God had been doing in my life as an example of learning how to have faith like a mustard seed.

The mustard seed concept really struck me anew again tonight though. As I continued to read through journals up until now, I began to see clearly.

I’ve been particularly fascinated with the process of death/growth as I see it around me in nature this year. I have watched the old die away, the chaff burn, as it did this summer in the hills of SLO. I have watched the rains come and bring about grass sprouting from the ground, little peeks of green in a sea of old chaff. I have watched the old chaff completely fall away in order to allow the new green grass to flourish. I have seen the vibrancy of spring green. And as of late, I have seen the wildflowers, such as the mustard seed flowers, in bloom. This year I’ve been so struck at the concept of God making all things new. He certainly does, in His timing and His ordering. There is a process that exists and each is interdependent upon one another.

At the very beginning of last summer, the mustard seed flowers that had been in bloom all spring were dying or gone. They had fallen to the ground and died in order to bring a new crop in its own time. It was back to the beginning of the cycle, if you will, the tiny little seed. You couldn’t really see the visible fruit of the seed, as it was only that at the time: a seed. Yet though the seeds were tiny, they possessed enormous potential for growth in its proper time. It was this concept I was so struck by this summer, that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I was amazed that the mustard seed is the smallest of seeds yet can produce one of the biggest crops. I wondered what it would look like if I had that same kind of faith, as God was largely walking me into such a time with my hearing.

Tonight as I looked upon these writings and remembered that time, I was amazed at where I stood then and what God was doing and teaching me. I was humbled to remember the scriptures He has spoken throughout this process and how He is ever faithful to answer them. It was sweet to remember the first times of God opening up my ears. But then I remembered and saw something very important that has been easy for me to neglect: I was still wearing both of my hearing aids at that time.

Last night I had a strange leading to look at the calendar and see how long it has been since I took out my last hearing aid. It’s been 18 weeks. Over 4 months.

And tonight I needed to remember where I was then in order to truly see how far He’s brought me since then.

I wore hearing aids then.

I don’t now.

To some degree I still have a hearing loss right now. But the dynamics of that? Changed. Branded by it? No longer.

I have stopped trying to classify it and explain it in words because it simply is. God has not changed from the time those promises were spoken into light. He is still ever faithful. And regardless of how my hearing continues to change, it’s really not the point. It never was. The miracle is never greater than the Giver. The aspect of hearing in the flesh is never greater than hearing of the Spirit.

And this miracle He’s been bringing has really come a long way, longer than I realized. It’s truly hard to grasp that just 8 months ago, I was wearing both hearing aids. It’s hard to grasp that I haven’t worn any for the last 4 months. In light of both of those facts, I’m amazed at how much truly has changed in that time. What appears small and insignificant on the surface has been monumental. Is there still a ways to go? Yes. But He continues to bring about what He said He would do.

Because like I said, it’s still not the biggest thing.

In my notes from speaking at Crusade, I had this one blip of a bullet point statement that said “need to embrace my weakness in order to embrace Jesus’ strength.”

In many ways, I think that’s the point. In every aspect and every way, I must embrace my weakness as a human of the flesh in order to embrace Jesus’ strength and power of the Divine. He must become greater, I must become less.

It’s springtime in SLO right now, and though the grass is falling away, the mustard seed is in full bloom. That’s what brings me back to the mustard seed-the seed that was just a seed this summer has grown and is in full bloom. I’ve been through some fields of these flowers lately and they are taller than me, and dense as could be. The mustard seed has stayed true to its qualities, and has come about in its proper time.

I find myself wondering as I reminisce about wandering through these fields as of late if my faith truly has bloomed in the way that these mustard seeds have. As I’ve read through these various things tonight, I am awed and humbled by the growth God has brought about this year, as He truly has done amazing things. In many ways, I now see the growth of faith. But if I were to say that I have arrived at where I am supposed to be; that is, that my faith has bloomed in the way the mustard seed plants have, it would not be true. Is there ever a day in this life where I will truly attain the likeness of Christ? No, because as long as I am bound to this world there will still be an imperfection. It is only on that glorious day when I return home that I will be fully redeemed. But we are still to strive all the while to attain His righteousness. I see the same with my faith. There will always be a deeper level and stronger measure I can strive to attain, that through knowing Him and the promise of His word, I may see them come into fruition. Just like earlier, dare I reduce the limits of Creator to that of creature? My faith, in all its “perfection” it could attain, would still be lesser.

The mustard seed flower flourishes right now, but soon it will die once again and be reduced to seed. Why does the mustard seed grow and die in an endless cycle? Because there is this process of death that brings growth. There’s this process of dying to ourselves and our limits over and over again that brings about new growth. I think the surrender to dying becomes easier with time, because we have been through enough cycles to know that God is always faithful. I think the actual deaths to which we die each time become more difficult, because harder ground has to be broken to bring about more growth. It has to get deeper. Yet we can cling to the fact that it will always bring about a time of flourishing and growth, and the levels of depth of which we know God will continue to increase.

Yet the mustard seed will always be what it is and have what it does: the potential for something great. I remember that tonight. I remember the aspect of faith as a mustard seed having the power to move mountains.

And all that’s really required is that we seek and believe.

There is tremendous power in that.

May we always remember it is by Jesus name we are bought, called, and saved, and through Him, nothing is impossible.

The Greatest Song of Them All

When the time comes to pen these words
May they be thrown away
because the greatest song has already been written
It's the crashing of the waves
The fluttering of flowers in the breeze
The chirps of birds carried through the air
The clapping of the trees
It's Your creation, Lord
Singing the greatest song of all
They know nothing else but to move to the rhythm of Your voice
to respond to the grip of Your hand
Do they need words? They dare not
Because words mask out the music around
It's always in tune, every part
And dare I sit here
and not let Your creation move my heart?
So here I sit in Your presence, my words silent
As I listen to the greatest song of them all

Precarious Mountaintop

I found this poem in my sketchbook tonight. I had forgotten about it. I wrote it over Spring Break when I was having a really difficult time with the implication of what it means to run after God and my position in that. Thought I would share it here.

March 24, 2008
They say if I climb to the tallest of mountains
I would surely find you there
The words are ringing true as I'm climbing
straining, running out of air
For at the top it's just you and me there now
I stand firmly upon the rock
that before me has been set
Yet the prince of the air circles about
waiting to try his luck just yet
And I wonder why this place you have brought me
is the firmest but most precarious yet
For it is nearer to the Heavens I am now
but to the elements of the air I'm fully exposed
Can You understand my reservation, my hesitation
to the results of obedience's path that has led?
You have not yet called me home
and still in this world I reside
The path of seeking righteousness brings about toils and troubles
that the flesh so easily caves
Dear Lord, You know I have taken up Your cross
and to all it brings I will humbly obey
Yet I pray upon this precarious mountaintop
You tether me to Your arms
So when the things of this world and prince of this air come about
causing me to say, I will not fall
Because if left alone, I surely may
You are my cornerstone. Only You.
And You alone.
You must be my all in all.
You alone.

Lamentation

I'm broken before the Lord, seeing the many ways in which I have sinned and grieved Him. The tears have been flowing for a while now as I see and realize the ways I have acted, taking things into my own hands that never should've been. This passage speaks near and dear to my heart in this time...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid upon him;
let him put his mouth in the dust--there may yet be hope;
let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cast off forever,
but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love,
for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men...
Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?
Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins?
Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord!

Lamentations 3:21-33, 37-40

One Who Sticks Closer than a Brother

“A man of too many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

I don’t think I’ve ever quite experienced having two different emotions at the same time that on the surface contradict each other, but in reality perfectly complement one another. But it is possible, I am learning.

For those of you who don’t know, my best friend is going on a year-long missions trip next year to East Asia with Campus Crusade for Christ. The time for her to go is nearing more and more each day, moreso in the reality that this quarter is ending and we are each respectively going home for the summer. I will see her before her training time before she leaves the country in August though.

It’s been coming together for a while now, but it really all started to hit me tonight at our weekly Campus Crusade meeting when they were talking about the team that is currently there. She will be part of the team “taking over” that team. I could include more practical details about it, but that’s really not the point of this entry.

I looked over at her as they were playing the slideshow of the current team and talking about them, and she was steady as can be while I was trying to keep it together. In looking at her, I
was completely overwhelmed with everything. The woman who I am humbled to call my best friend is one of incredible strength and grace. In looking at her tonight, it was as if I remembered the three years of lessons, trials, joys and sorrows she has been through all in one. And she has never been more ready to go than now. I’m overwhelmed at the measure of God’s hand working in her life to bring her to this point. She was apologizing to me the other day for a conversation we had over the weekend, in which she thought she was “messy.” Perhaps the words were, but the heart was not. There is this remarkable full surrender in her life that is more tangible than she knows. She is no longer holding anything on her own. And she has never been more ready to go than now.

Yesterday we sat in the exact same spot on campus in which we had our first long, serious talk our Freshman year. I remember that girl well. I remember her being guarded, both timid and prideful at the same time. I remember her attempting to learn what it meant to give and receive love with the people around her, allowing others to come in. But still then, God had His hand in her, as He always does. Her walls started coming down. She started embracing the freedom found in our Lord. She started to learn what it meant to truly step out in faith and let God move. She started learning what it looks like to fall in love with God, not simply just know Him through the mind.

That was when I first came to know her. It would take me days upon end to write of what God has done in her and with her in the last two years since Freshman year. But in reality, I think where she stands now says enough, for it is through those lessons learned that she stands where she is now.

I see a woman beyond description. I see one fully branded with the mark and love of God that sets her apart. I see one whose love for God flows out to all those around her, as she understands her love is not her own. I see one who is bearing fruit in every area of her life, especially as of late, because of her full surrender to Him. I see her family challenged and changed by the character God has given her. I see one who is a faithful and trusted confidant of more people than one could imagine. I see one who always pursues our Lord, no matter what the cost. I see one who is strong because she is now realizing her strength is not her own. I see one full of grace because she receives it from the source. I see one fully humble because she is understanding nothing is her own. I see one whose love for truth only pushes her further. I see one fully at rest, a contradiction to who she normally is. I see all of this and so much more, and it is through her complete surrender to the Lord that these things are.

And when I see this and think about the path that God has led her on throughout her life, but particularly the last couple of years to bring her to this point, I am overwhelmed. She has never been more ready to go than now. I cannot tell you what happens inside of me when I think about what God is going to do in her and around her this next year. She is truly being anointed with the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord to bring the good news and so much more. That’s what excites me the most, because she herself, will not be doing or accomplishing anything, but only the Spirit through her will. The possibilities are endless. When one does not place any limit upon what God can do with him/her, one opens up the expanse of all infinite power of our God to move. The Creator has His way in His creature. That is the way it should be, but so few get it. She does.

The complementary emotion comes with me realizing what a friend and blessing I have in her. I think I am overwhelmed both at what I have been given in her and in the reality of her not being here next year. She truly is my “right-hand woman.” She is one of few people in my life that knows me, fully and completely. She is one in whom I can find rest, and for me, those people are few. Some would say we are inseparable, and to some extent we are. However, I think people miss something deeper. There is a bond between us that I know is inseparable even across an entire ocean, because we are bonded together by the Spirit. That can never be severed. And though I know we won’t be in the same physical place next year, I know our friendship is firmly built upon the rock of Christ. But that isn’t to say that I won’t miss her. Because I will. Quite a bit.

She’s told me many times over the years what my friendship means to her. I don’t think I’ve told her fully or enough what hers means to me. Perhaps part of that is due to the fact I haven’t had quite a full understanding of it until now. In so many ways I’ve taken her for granted. She has loved me fully and unconditionally. She has pursued me unlike anyone I’ve ever known. She has been the most steady presence in my life over the past three years. She has laughed with me, cried with me, listened like no other, and has rejoiced with me. She has always let me be who I am to the fullest. I don’t think I’ve felt quite that same freedom with anyone else.
I’ve often told her that if people want to learn how to best love me in the way I communicate and receive love, they should look to her. And I still stand by that statement.

She is much more than just a friend. She’s my confidant, my accountability, my sister, my best friend. One who sticks closer than a brother.

And I’ve never been more thankful for her than now.

Quickening

The beating of my heart measures the pace of the silence
It’s quickening
It’s where words cease and the Spirit moves
It’s quickening
The flesh learns the act of decaying to bring about something beautiful
It’s quickening
A new melody plays setting the tune on the path to walk
It’s quickening
The days longer and nights shorter yet still governed in its own
It’s quickening
Flowers pushing forth through dried up dirt
It’s quickening
The elements of creation displaying the revolution stirring
It’s quickening
It’s what cannot be explained and where words always fail
It’s quickening
There’s a restoration in the midst of eternal breaking
It’s quickening
The beating of my heart aligns with the pace of God’s moving
It’s quickening
God has been ever sovereign still, the ordainer of all time
But my heart quickens
Because I am learning to see and respond
That's quickening

There's No Time Like the Present

"There is no time like the present..."
That statement is true in many ways, but possesses extreme danger if we take the liberty that statement gives and use it in the wrong way. I heard this statement said tonight in regards to being in college and the ministry field we have around us as students. We were exhorted to make the most out of the opportunity we have now. And for the first time in my many times of hearing this, I see the grave danger in this statement. In all the previous times hearing this statement, I have responded to some degree or another, desiring to go out and make the most out of the present time and the people around me, wanting to be more effective for the Gospel, because after all, "there is no time like the present," right? But every time I have done so, it has failed. And I understand why now. Nothing can be accomplished without the Holy Spirit, and so little can happen without the filling of the Holy Spirit.

Look at Peter. He had the best of intentions and one of the greatest hearts, but he so often rushed ahead of Jesus' timing. He was quick to respond to walk on water but the lack of full knowledge and faith in Jesus caused him to start sinking. This is just one example of many. Over time, he learned these valuable lessons. Jesus later asked him the the same question three times, "Peter, do you love me?" and in that time, Peter had started to get it. Not until after Pentecost came and he received the Holy Spirit did the ministry Jesus gave to him fully start and came into fruition. The keys to the Kingdom of Heaven Jesus promised to give were given and used. But not without a right understanding of who Jesus is or the filling of the Holy Spirit was this done. We can do all we want before this happens, but it is so dangerous. We wonder why as Christians we are often ineffective. We don't see that we don't understand who Jesus is and the importance of the Holy Spirit. We don't understand the authority the Father has given us through them. And we keep wondering why we keep missing the point.

Up until now, I have missed that point, but I will do so no longer. Nothing good or effective can be birthed out of us; it is only through the Father's love, the Redemption of the Son, and the indwelling and filling of the Spirit. And that's where the truth of the statement "there is no time like the present" comes in--because there is no time like the present to earnestly seek out and learn these things. It is not only our Spiritual health and well-being that depends on it, but all the lives of others around us as well. And though our culture does not say to wait, Jesus does, and we must trust in His sovereignty in all people and all circumstances that as we wait upon Him and learn what we must, He is working. He is not dependent upon us to get His will done on this earth. We must not reduce Creator to the limits of creature. But He has given us the gift of participating in His grand scheme in this world and the filling of power in order to do so.

But that must first come with a right understanding of Father, Son, and Spirit, and a change of heart in obedience and surrender as a result. An easy task? No. But He will reveal Himself to the hearts of men who seek Him out. And for that?

There's no time like the present.

A Failing Attempt

The beginning of this week brought a lot of time to be still. God used the circumstances of me having a sinus infection that wiped me out to put me in such a place where I would seek Him. It was three days of prayer in a way I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. The urgency was written upon my heart to do accordingly. What I found in that time has been a greater and deeper understanding of God that I have never had before. The statement I just wrote frustrates me to no end because it sounds so cliché. It is a statement largely based off of common sense of any believer. But what I cannot convey in words is the infinite level of depth found in our Lord that we have the opportunity to venture into. It never ends. And so what comes with this venture of seeking Him out not on our own terms but on His is really beyond description. It amazes me how seldom I truly sit at His feet and listen, but what amazes me more is what happens as a result of actually performing that action. I have found God to be taking off the things that have blinded and hindered me for so long, and I am now seeing and walking in a completely different light. When I truly start getting out of the way, God is able to have His way in me.

I would say as a result of that I have felt over stimulated. There has been such new insight, truth, and love poured forth as I’ve been at His feet. There’s an onslaught that I’ve never experienced before. And over this week, I have felt God calling me largely to be quiet. Not in every circumstance, but in most. I understand that a bit better now…

I think as a writer my mind deals with the double-edged sword that these words often bring. My heart desires so much to convey what God is doing through words, and so I strive towards that end. Yet at the same time, I know my words are continually a failing attempt to do such a thing. And as I wrote in a different place last night, I found yet another aspect of control that was surrendered.

I will no longer keep these written words for the goal of being able to capture what God is doing and the movement outward and within. Instead, this will be a striving towards a failing attempt. These written accounts will not cease, but the striving towards this aspect of “perfection” in being able to tell of all and everything God is doing will cease.
God is so infinitely beyond my words.

And I wonder what my praise offering to Him is to look like. I’ve been finding such a peace in old hymns and the words written there. There’s such a beauty in knowing that those aren’t my words. I find myself singing these words throughout the day and feeling a renewal in ways I cannot describe. Oh, how I love to sing! Oh how I can pour forth emotion and not let this love I have for my Savor be contained!

What I keep coming back to is this: even in the midst of gaining insight and wisdom from the Holy Spirit, the love of God draws me deeper within. The truth of His ways and thoughts being higher than mine rings very true right now. But in that, the greater discovery is that we may know His heart. It is beyond description and cannot be conveyed. The love that breathes death into life, despair into hope, ashes into beauty, is so much more than a beautiful, poetic love. It is beyond all thought, all description, all devices which humans attempt to use to convey it. It is more real than anything we will ever find, because it is not confined to human limitations and measures. How can I convey what the love of God is doing within? I cannot.

I cannot.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Refrain

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Refrain
Frederick Lehman

A Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

The Mighty One, God the Lord,
speaks and summons the earth
from the rising of the sun to its setting.
Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines forth.
Our God comes; he does not keep silence;
before him is a devouring fire,
around him a mighty tempest.
He calls to the heavens above
and to the earth, that he may judge his people:
“Gather to me my faithful ones,
who made a covenant with me by sacrifice!”
The heavens declare his righteousness,
for God himself is judge! Selah

“Hear, O my people, and I will speak;
O Israel, I will testify against you.
I am God, your God.
Not for your sacrifices do I rebuke you;
your burnt offerings are continually before me.
I will not accept a bull from your house
or goats from your folds.
For every beast of the forest is mine,
the cattle on a thousand hills.
I know all the birds of the hills,
and all that moves in the field is mine.
“If I were hungry, I would not tell you,
for the world and its fullness are mine.
Do I eat the flesh of bulls
or drink the blood of goats?

Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and perform your vows to the Most High,
and call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”
Psalm 50:1-15

Who I Am

A thought exploration of the night...in that so few truly know me for who I am fully. I often times hold back from sharing myself completely with people because the depths of me are not easily plunged into or understood. But I wonder how many people actually know me for who I am. I wonder if they did, would they understand?

Broken for the Gospel

Yesterday I was remembering a conversation I had with my best friend Elise here a couple weeks back. She is spending all of next year in East Asia doing missionary work to the universities there. Her heart was heavy that day as she was wrestling with the impending reality of what is to begin in just a few short months. She was saying that she doesn’t fear her safety there for a myriad of reasons, but the issue that weighed so heavily on her heart is particularly the safety of the Nationals there. With Asia being largely closed to Christianity and the Gospel, things are very dangerous for believers from and living in that country. The fact that her and her team are largely “privileged Americans” generally allows them the freedom to leave if safety concerns escalate and arise. But the Nationals do not have that same freedom. She was explaining how she knows the Gospel is worth sharing and that it is a Gospel for the world, but she was having a hard time justifying the reality that in sharing a message that brings life, it could be also bringing them to bodily death. As I listened to her and her heart, something changed radically inside me. Something that had been solid for so long broke.
I have been thinking about this over the past couple of weeks, and the things I have been learning and have read only bring this up more. I think my eyes are opening as I am seeing things truly for the first time. I have been breaking at how I have treated the message of hope that has changed my life, because I have allowed it to do just that: a message that has changed only my life. I think for so long I have made the Gospel one to serve myself and my life, rather than being something that truly breaks me of all my selfishness and feelings of entitlement. There are people in this world that have never heard the name of Jesus. The reality of persecution is so much more prevalent in the world than we think, because we live in this “privileged, sheltered” America. Mark Labberton said it well in his book The Dangerous Act of Worship when he states this:
“American Christian culture often communicates to people around the world, ‘You should just seek God’s promised land, like we have, and then you can have what we have!’ This is a broad miscalculation of where humanity dwells, and it daily damages the mission of Jesus Christ.”

Oh how grossly we do this! How much we make God a self-serving God that fits into our own culture and agendas. We miss the point entirely. We miss it entirely…how dare we belittle God in this way. The Gospel we claim to live for and serve is not a message for those who are “entitled,” like the middle-class americans we so easily relate to. It is a Gospel for all of creation, of every creature, from every nation and tongue. It is not ours.

There are many stories and testimonies of how Jesus has changed the lives of people in these countries we hear about only if we choose to do so. It amazes me that in a country with information at our fingertips, we so often choose to look at our social sites, the latest funny movie at YouTube, shopping sites to see what we can buy next, when instead we live in a time where we can hear so easily about the needs of those in other countries. I receive emails from missionaries in Tibet on a regular basis. I am so thankful for those because it takes me out of this privileged America I live in and forces me to see the reality that really does exist. We have the opportunity to access such information and act upon it. Why don’t we?

And it’s even not just the other places and people outside of America. We neglect those here.
Over Spring Break, I was riding in the car with my parents down to downtown Phoenix. The route we were on passed probably a very true definition of the urban city and its people, and it was crying out for help. I remember being so saddened as I saw a church in the midst of this setting. It had a sign on the outside saying something such as “bringing the light of Jesus to Phoenix.” The church also had a probably 8’ tall metal fence all around it with very pointy tops, that was locked and discouraged people to come in. My mom said they probably had to learn the hard way, unfortunately, and protect themselves. That’s one way of seeing it, and is the way we often choose to see things. But what about that sign? What about what they were proclaiming to do? The fence negated the meaning as they sought to protect themselves and their building instead of leaving it open. If it gets vandalized, does it really matter? Was the building ever really theirs? I wonder what such an opportunity would do, because they would probably have a good chance to meet with the perpetrators. Instead of seeking justice for the damage done to “their” building, why not show the mercy and grace that Jesus has given us? Why not let the words on that sign become true actions and words? Why do we fear what mortal men do to us? Why do we still run and fear to administer justice and mercy? Why do we still choose not to be broken, not to see things in the true light, not to realize that nothing is our own? Why are we still not compelled to “do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with our God? (Micah 6:8).

I think it comes to our fear of being broken and losing all control. We are not moved because we choose not to be moved. I write this because this is a lesson I have been struggling to learn on my own, and it’s one I am seeing the dire need of change in. That conversation mentioned earlier shifted something radically inside of me. But I have the choice to allow that to permeate my being and change who I am and how I treat the Gospel. We all do. I’m finally beginning to understand that it is far greater to be broken and at a loss of what to do because it is then God may have His way in us. It is then that we start seeing and understanding correctly and acting accordingly. The price of being changed often seems hefty to pay, but I am understanding now there is a heftier price paid if we don’t. That price does not come at our own expense but at the expense of all the others outside of ourselves. Dare we be that selfish? I pray not.

Not Meant to be Whole on Our Own

Cannot fight to be in control
Cannot fight to keep things whole
It’s surely a losing battle
If I continue down this road
Because we are not meant to be
Whole on our own
Can’t keep on edging the tide
Can’t keep on holding to the ride
It’s surely a losing battle
If I continue to fight
Because we are not meant to be
The source of our own light
Easy to keep it in my hands
Easy to think I understand
It’s surely a contradiction
If think this still I stand
Because in reality it is easier to be
Fully surrendered into His hands
Because this is not my fight
Because this is not my ride
The truth always stands forth
When I open and see through my eyes
Because He has captured me and allowed me to see
The beauty of wholly surrendering my life
So I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I’m awake
Lord have Your way in me.

Italics lyrics from Hillsong, regular original lyrics from me

Likewise

It’s funny. I was reading John’s blog entry from today and it puzzled me a bit at first. I wasn’t sure why he was speaking of this new journey, as I haven’t really been aware of a new one starting with him, but rather one that has continued on in depth. But now as I have been journaling, I now understand why he wrote it. And by that, I don’t mean that I understand what his new journey is completely, but I do mean that I understand the principle of a new journey, as I realize that is what God is bringing me into as well.

I write this at the end of a day in which my flesh has surely dictated me. There has been such a lack of discipline and of patience, and I’m sure there are many other aspects of the Spirit that should be present in me as I live in Him. It has been funny (not in a “ha ha” way) to me to look back on this day and see this lack of contentment and frustration with everything in general, as it has not been something I’ve been struggling with lately. Rather, it’s been the latter that God has been teaching me and giving me so much grace in, as I am learning to be content in the present moment and move as the Spirit leads accordingly. But I’m realizing why this has been so throughout today…

One is that things are changing greatly in many different ways. This includes the time of life I am in, different relationships I have, the way I handle things, the way I view and treat God, and how I experience Him and life, amongst many other things. A week or two ago I was realizing how I generally thrive on change and even look for it to some degree. It is an interesting change in itself in me. I have been learning to take change head on and not let it faze me, which is contrary to how I used to be. But I think the other is very much tied with that, and it is that I am seeing and realizing the lessons that are coming about as a result of this change, and realizing that my flesh very much doesn’t want to learn them. The spiritual mind of myself knows the importance and blessing of those lessons, as it is my prayer that God “have His way through me.” Yet my flesh contradicts that very prayer greatly.

I am to learn the aspect of longsuffering, in waiting and in love. I am to learn what it looks like to pour into people who don’t pour anything back and do it because the love in my heart from Jesus compels me to do so. I am to learn what it means to relate to the people around me that I have the most difficulty in doing so. I am to learn what it means to “be still in the midst of moving.” I am to learn what it means to truly die to self in every single way. I am to learn these things and so many more that I don’t know of right now. My flesh sees these and sees a steep learning curve it’d rather not go on. But my heart and my mind know that this is the better way in which I must embark.

Because I think the thing I am missing overall is that there is still a level of deeper surrender that I haven’t reached. I still haven’t gotten completely out of the way in order to let God have His way completely and thoroughly through me. And for what God has in store, I must learn this lesson…I sense it is of an importance so dire it can’t be put into words. I need to get to the point that when God appears to me, I can look Him directly in the face, rather than being of the nature as the Israelites were to Moses, asking him to intercede for them because they thought they would surely die otherwise.

And I understand this “new journey,” as God is leading me on one as well. May my flesh surely die and the Lord win, because the cry of my heart is that He be glorified in me and that I may learn what He has accordingly, not that I would governed by my flesh. That will continue to remain my prayer. These things that I know or understand not right now I know God will bring into light at the proper time. But seek Him I must. And seek Him I will.

Flowers Along the Way

Heart unsettled
Uncertainty resides
Whisper in the midst
New things into light
Unknown territory ahead
Ground unsteady beneath
Destination a ways away
But still I never fall
For the Spoken Word remains
Be still in the moving
Sands ever shifting
Path ever changing
Only One keeps me going
For the Living God remains
Climbing still
Trusting ever more
Heart will never break
And there will be flowers along the way

The Third in the Grand Scheme of Things

There have been times as of late I have wanted to sit down and write about what God is doing in my life and in the grand scheme of things, but it hasn’t happened yet. I feel a scribe in many ways, and with that comes the inclination to want to write and explain everything in its fullness, at least to the understanding that God gives me. In that, I think I have been waiting for this story to come into a package of sorts that I can write about from start to present. But I can’t! Even if I were to have hours or days to write, the story keeps on being written upon itself. And so I come tonight knowing that this is not the full package or story. I can’t write all the details of what has happened in this journey, at least not in this time. But there are steps along the way that God continues to bring, and those I am compelled to share.

It was raining all day yesterday. After our weekly Crusade meeting, I decided to walk back to John’s house alone in the rain to simply commune with God. I am rarely spontaneous anymore, and in that, I believe I often miss what God could give me in those moments. It was a beautiful rain. I went inside and picked up my stuff and proceeded back to the front porch where I awaited my ride home. It didn’t come for over half an hour. God was so good to grant that time that I may be with Him in His presence, being still and allowing Him to do and speak as He willed.

I started praying, and I was tired. I know the weaknesses of my flesh and its need for sleep, and so often in those times I elect to stop thinking or doing, mostly out of self-preservation I have been realizing. But as I sat there last night, I remembered that it is in those times that I am fully in the raw. My flesh is weak, my guard is down, and the thoughts I so often allow to govern the day cease. It is a position of vulnerability that allows a meeting with the true God if I allow Him to do so. And that was one of my early prayers last night. He surely answered…
I was back and forth on going to Crusade last night. My ears have been ringing terribly the last couple of days, leaving me not hearing much actual noise and pretty exhausted. I didn’t think I would understand much or be able to focus well. Yet as I discussed it with John, he encouraged me to go. I am so thankful for the Spirit’s leading through him, as he heeds it and understands it well. So I went. It was Elise T’s birthday and it was good to be with her. As for the message though? I didn’t get much out of it, not because there wasn't much there, but because I couldn't focus. Tim Fox, one of our interns, spoke last night. He spoke on the end of Mark 10 (vs 35-52), which is two different accounts; one being James and John arguing about who got to sit on the right and left sides of Jesus, and coming to the point where Jesus humbles them through many statements, one being “the Son of man did not come to be served but to serve, and be a ransom to many.” The next part was the healing of Bartimaeus, a blind man. I was a bit puzzled as to why Tim continued onto this part, as the two accounts didn’t exactly flow together in my opinion. But God opened my eyes to that scripture, and I pondered it for the rest of the time…

On John’s porch I asked God the significance of that passage being spoken that night. The answer I received is that it is the next of the main passages He has given me in this journey of knowing, asking, and receiving not just the gift of healing of my ears, but an intimate one in learning to be fully surrendered to Him and knowing Him like no other. And as I pondered that passage, I found myself in utter amazement, awe, and praise at what God had just given me. This is the third main passage in the last two years, each directly speaking and leading me in this journey of faith I continue to walk…

The first was John 9, given to me just over 2 years ago to this day. This account of a boy born blind brought me into the full realization that it was God’s will to heal me. For about 2 months up until when that passage was given to me, I was wrestling with the path God was leading me on. It had mainly to do with my perception of how God has used my hearing loss throughout my entire life. He has truly made His strength perfect in my weakness, and through that, brought glory to Himself. I wrestled with the question if my hearing loss were to be taken away, wouldn’t God be taking away the glory from Himself, or contradicting it? The opening three verses of John 9 spoke nearer to my heart that night than I remembered words ever speaking before, as I found my answer. Jesus and his disciples were walking along the road when they came across the boy. The disciples asked Him, “why was this boy born blind? Was it a result of sin in his life or his parents?” Jesus answered them, “it was not a result of either; rather, it is so that the works of God might be displayed in him.” I then knew that it truly was God’s will to heal me and the answer to that question was that there has been a purpose for both: the hearing loss has been for His glory, and the taking away of it is also. Both have been for the purpose of God’s work being displayed in my life.

The next was Mark 7:31-37, the account of a deaf and mute man. This was given to me last October. I largely identified with the boy born blind for a long time, but the transition was made with this passage. The people within the region of Decapolis brought to Jesus a man who was deaf and spoke with difficulty. They asked Jesus to lay hands on him. Jesus took him away from the crowd and put His hands on his face, a truly intimate encounter. He put His hands in the man’s ears and touched his tongue, and with a sigh looking up to Heaven, he cried Ephphatha, which means ‘be opened.’ The man then both heard and spoke clearly, and they went back into the crowd. I was taken aback by this passage because I had never found an account of a healing of a deaf person in the bible, and not just one deaf, but one with a speech impediment as well. He fits my disabilities to the “t.” In a time in which God had begun the healing process of starting to open up my ears, He brought me this passage to remember that it is an intimate encounter with Him. I was to allow Him to take me away from the crowd, and I was to look into His face, truly believe, and receive. It was not a moment in which anyone else was to be involved, only me and Him. There is such a powerful command in Ephphatha, and it urged me to be praying that myself. In January, I took out my last hearing aid, and God has been doing a tremendous process in healing my ears. Yet more so, He has been doing a tremendous process in me truly looking in His eyes, trusting Him, and receiving whatever it is He has for me. It has been a journey of love, obedience, silence, and intimacy, and still continues to be.

And then last night was Mark 10, Bartimaeus being blind and crying out to Jesus. 46 Then they came to Jericho. And as He was leaving Jericho with His disciples and a large crowd, a blind beggar named Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, was sitting by the road. 47 When he heard that it was Jesus the Nazarene, he began to cry out and say, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" 48 Many were sternly telling him to be quiet, but he kept crying out all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" 49 And Jesus stopped and said, "Call him here." So they called the blind man, saying to him, "Take courage, stand up! He is calling for you." 50 Throwing aside his cloak, he jumped up and came to Jesus. 51 And answering him, Jesus said, "What do you want Me to do for you?" And the blind man said to Him, "Rabboni, I want to regain my sight!" 52 And Jesus said to him, "Go; your faith has made you well." Immediately he regained his sight and began following Him on the road.”

Bartimaeus knew Jesus. Let me say it again, Bartimaeus knew Jesus. He knew Jesus was there, and began to cry out to Him. Even in the midst of the people around him dissuading him from doing so, he continued to cry out until Jesus called him. According to his faith, Jesus made him well. The reason why I say Bartimaeus knew Jesus is because there was no hesitation to cry out to Him because he understood what Jesus could give. He was fully aware of His power to heal him, and persisted until Jesus did such a thing.

How much it speaks to my heart now. If I had to take away just one thing from this entire journey I have been on thus far, I would not take away the fact that I have heard music in ways I never have before, or people’s voices without aid, or really anything to do with my healing in that aspect. Rather, I would say I have come to know my Lord. I am no longer fighting His piercing gaze into my eyes asking me to look into His. There’s a change He’s been doing in my heart in delighting to do His will, to serve and obey no matter the cost. That’s what I would take away: I know Jesus.

And just like Bartimaeus, I will continue to cry out to my Lord. There are those that dissuade me because they probably think I am either making a fool of myself or am just dreaming, or it’s causing them to be uncomfortable. But no matter. I know my Lord. I know what He has said and what He continues to bring about. And I will cry out to Him all the day long until he calls me and restores my hearing in its fullness. It is not an action understood in our culture or even among believers who walk with Him. But I know my Lord. And I know He has given me the gift of a radical and undying faith. And I know it’s seldom understood, but there have to be some in this day and age that are willing to be wholly obedient and surrendered to His will for this generation and age, and I humbly walk into that. There is nothing more that I desire than for God to make Himself known to the people of this world, to those who are perishing and dying, or even to those who have fallen asleep or are still sleeping. I cry that they may they know the name of God as I AM WHO I AM, his name forever, and his memorial name to all generations (Exodus 3:14-15). And with that, so may it be with me. May He do with me as He will, to make Himself known to a world sleeping, dying, and perishing.