Conundrum

Journal entry from tonight

Dear Lord,

The lyrics of Hosanna by Hillsong describe my heart’s cry well tonight.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I find myself in a conundrum of sorts. I find myself desperately wanting to come before You and pour out my heart because You know me better than anyone; yet at the same time I sit in Your presence and feel that there is no reason for me to do so, as I am a trifle thing compared to You. There is none like You. I sit and contemplate Your creation and I am amazed. I went to Montana de Oro today with Elise briefly, and we sat on the rocky beach as the waves crashed hard against the shore. It was a simply beautiful day. We drove back through the valley and spoke of how the world we live in is incredible, yet it is not even a fraction of all that exists. I recall the movie I saw at church this morning in which the earth from space was shown and it put me in my place. I am nothing.

I was reading the news tonight of the new tribe they found in the Amazon jungle and I was frozen in place, struck speechless and moved unlike any other. I can’t put into words exactly what I felt when I was looking at the pictures and reading the articles of it. Perhaps it was something of the nature that these are a group of people never seen before, never interacted with civilization as we know it. You could see that in the pictures of them wearing war paint shooting arrows at the plane. Perhaps it was the aspect that those people are Yours. They may be sheep not of this fold as Bryan talked about at church this morning, but You are their Shepherd. There is such a rawness about them that is incredibly compelling. In so many ways they seem undefiled by this world and what it has created, away from any form of civilization and living on their own by only all they know. With that, there is so little they know about the world which I see as both a blessing and not. These people have never heard of You, my Lord. I remember reading Jim Eliot’s writings for the first time and being left speechless. I still am to some extent. Lord, I am put in my place in that this world is so much bigger than me, from the largest of countries as a whole to the smallest of tribes that have never been reached. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I went to Liz and Brian Crawford's house today as they gave a presentation about what they are doing next year in Israel, and even still it expanded my world view more. I’ve largely been wrapped up in the region of East Asia as Elise and others are going there next year and this summer, but even still, that’s just a fraction of the world. Who am I in the grand scheme of things? I am nothing.

Yet I am still a sheep of Your flock known and called by name; You know me full well. I’m blown away that in the magnitude of Your creation that You could know me as intimately as You do. It humbles me to know that You choose to know me, to bestow Your love upon me. There is nothing I could ever do to deserve it.

I feel selfish tonight wanting to come before You to pour out my heart to You in light of my position. Out of all of the divine mysteries in this world, what could there be to be said about my life? I don’t want to be so inwardly focused upon myself and what I am learning and going through that I miss sight of the greater picture. I know I run that danger often times. When I look at the world and see Your sovereign hand in it all, I’m amazed. When I look in the part of the world You have me in for this time and see what You are doing, I’m amazed. When I spend time with my closest friends and hear and experience what You are doing in their lives, it often moves me to tears and brings me such joy. I see my newly married friend learning about the covenant of love You have given her and her husband and bestowed upon her and You. I see my friends in Greek ministry ministering and loving those we often choose to look around or ignore because of false stereotypes or inability to relate. I see my roommates and how they are all seeking and finding You in their most unique of ways. I see my love learning what it means to allow You to move his heart and for him to respond accordingly, and it’s beautiful to see and experience. I see my best friend exemplifying what it means to die to herself daily, taking up Your cross, and following You wholeheartedly, no matter what the cost. These people inspire me greatly. I see and experience Your tangible work in their lives.

So why am I also here wanting to look at my life? I think I’ve strongly been desiring to reflect upon what You have been doing in me over this year because You have been changing and refining me tremendously. I want to sit in Your presence and see what that is. At the same time, I see how there are still and forever will be so many things I still don’t understand and have not attained. I’m reminded of this daily, praise be to You. I want to come and seek You out so I may grow in these ways and become more like You. I don’t want to miss out on what You have for me, because I know Your promise in that those who seek You with their whole heart will find You. I want to throw everything I am and have into that. Though I know the road You have us walk after You is not an easy one, I still choose it and want to follow You wholeheartedly, because unlike any other road, this one has the sweetness and security of Your presence. I want to rejoice in what You’ve been doing around me. I want to pray for what You’re doing in me. I want to ask You to search my heart for any offensive way in me, so that I may be pure in Your sight. I want to look at my life because it’s one of the most tangible ways in which I KNOW You and experience You. You speak my language, my dear Lord; You communicate to me best of anyone. You know what brings me to the highest of heights and the lowest of depths. I want to rest in Your presence because You know me full well; I don’t have to hide or try to explain things to You. There is a comfort and security found in You unlike any other. You are my Shepherd, and I know Your voice. I want to run after You.

I wish I knew how to resolve these extremes, because I feel like I can be either so inwardly focused and lose sight of who I am in relation to You and the world or so focused on the world that I lose sight of who You are to me personally. I wish I knew how to be aware of both at the same time. I realize that it is not about me; yet I also realize that You desire to know me. It’s a conundrum.

Yet in the midst of resolving this, I hold fast that You are fully sovereign and good not just in my life but in all of creation. You surely have shown Yourself to be so. I praise You, my dear Lord. I love You tremendously.