Flies of the Mind

“Strange place, this soul of mine…and I think, it is more place than person. It rings with whatever enters, be it high thoughts of the seated Christ or idle rhymes from any poet. The soul does not seem to mind what it is occupied with, but only cares that it be kept occupied. It is passive as to choice. I choose, my soul responds, with ringing laughter, emotional incitement, or pure worship. It is a tool, not a craftsman, and must be controlled. It is as amoral as a bed, yet beds can become instruments of illegitimate activity. Son of God, purger of the inner parts, discerner of my sittings down, my risings, wilt Though Hallow this soul of mine? The choice is mine, You say? Ah, yes, the choice is mine.” -Jim Elliot, April 14, 1948

This was the last passage I read before going to sleep last night, and it resounded deeply within me. In a week of moving into a new apartment, there have been all kinds of things peppering about my head and therefore my heart too; many of them practical but worldly things. I have noticed my mind swirling with these thoughts and have been fighting rather unsuccessfully to get them back to an eternal perspective.

This week exemplifies a key character trait I have, and that is that I can be very task oriented and efficient. I am of the mind that I like to have things completed so I can be done move onto something else. However, that is growing more and more impractical the older I get. Once something gets done, it’s as if three more things take its place. There will always be things to do and things to think about. The real discipline lies in being able to train the mind to be efficient and to think in an eternal perspective constantly. There are certain “obligations” and “responsibilities” of this world, but I need not be governed by them-only by Christ alone. As He is my source, He will give me the means to complete what lies before me, but only by His means and His time. I need look to Him.

As we are having the annual beginning of September heat wave this week, I decided to go to the beach this morning to get away from “responsibilities” and focus before the Lord. It was a beautiful day at the beach-perfect tanning weather while reading. However, after about 5 minutes of being there, I forgot what I always seem to forget: when the beach is hot, the flies are out in massive numbers, and they just love to land on people, at least me apparently. As I was trying to relax and focus, I was immensely distracted by every tactile sensation by every fly landing and going in various places all over my body. It started really frustrating me. But then, I decided to pray and see what the Lord might have to teach me in it.

It seems my thoughts have resembled these flies lately: abounding in number, little in substance, and uncommitted ponderings. This is what I have subjected myself to lately. I’ve gone away with the flies in my thinking. What I needed to learn to do today was to be so focused in just one thing-reading and journaling, that the flies wouldn’t even phase me.

As I was journaling some of these thoughts, a man and woman walked by and the woman picked up something by my chair and gave it to me. It was a whole sand dollar. I was struck by it because I have never found a whole sand dollar on the SLO coast before. It seems they always break. As the picture above shows, this sand dollar is beautiful; whole and durable. It is unlike any other fragments I’ve ever found, but in reality, the fragments cannot be compared to a whole. This sand dollar made such an impression upon me because of its wholeness and its purity. It hadn’t been broken down and scattered about. It provided a beautiful picture to me as to what my mind should look like. My mind needs to be whole and not fragmented. It needs to be rare, a treasure that is ruled and governed by the Lord so that people who come into contact with it see the Lord fully in it. It needs to be the Lord’s tool, not my own.

My mind has such potential to be used for great things-but there is a discipline on my part to allow it to be so. I need not fill it up with things that hardly matter, and I need to be discerning in what I allow to reside within. As Jim Elliot says, “the choice is mine.”

There is such a necessity to learn this here and now as I grow up more. Life will continue to be and get busier with more and more possible thoughts and obligations. It is now that it must be refined to a tool that can serve a good purpose. My first practical step was buying a little moleskin like notebook today. My hope is that when I do have thoughts, particularly of things to remember, I will have the notebook with me and write them down as soon as I can. Then, once they are on paper, I can purge them from my thoughts until I need it again. I try to remember too much in my head. I want to think about other things. I’m weary of thinking about things that will eventually fade, and fade sooner rather than later. I want to spend my days thinking and concerning myself chiefly with my sole delight, my Dear Lord, from which all good things flow. What I fill myself up with will overflow, and it is my desire that I not be known by my tasks or what I do, but by a life surrendered and governed by the Lord Himself.