End of the Rainbow

A state of awe and contentment only begins to describe the state I have been in lately and am in now...God is so good. As my hands are opened to receiving His blessings, He is pouring them out abundantly, and I urge you to do the same. Don't miss out on the glorious gifts only He can give to you!

The end of the rainbow...blazes so bright and vivid that one is drawn to look at its splendor in its finality. However, the end of a rainbow is purely an illusion to the eye, for a rainbow is actually a full circle and completes itself. I was so struck by the beauty of this rainbow over the hills today. God loves to bless us and speak to us in the ways that are most personal to us. For me, it is through His creation, from the beauty in the simple things to the glorious, most magnificent sights. And though there was a lot that happened with that rainbow, there's one thing in particular I would like to share. In a rainbow there's refracted light, which is the deflection of light from its source to reflect on something nearby, passing from one medium to another. In a rainbow all of the colors of light are displayed. There is no end to it. There is always a source consisting of water which creates the rainbow due to the refraction.

Do we fully realize the gift God has given to those who believe in Him and choose to walk in His freedom and power? He is the source, and we are the rainbow. The light comes from above and refracts in the water, creating and displaying all of the colors of light. Not one can be excluded from that spectrum, it is not inclusive and displays full splendor. As we allow His light to refract from Him and onto us, we have the amazing position of displaying all the aspects of His character. As Galatians 5:22 states that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control," we possess all of these qualities as a result of walking in the spirit. They are not inclusive, we have all of these gifts, and this only reflects His glory more. As we choose to allow the Holy Spirit to be our source, we will never have an end to truly reflecting the character of God, and in that, be a source of beauty and inspiration in a stormy world.

Will you make that choice? Will you keep it? The source is always there, possessing so much beauty and many gifts, but you must choose to bear that and refract it. Will you be a reflection of God?

Uprising

Can you see the movement of the response people make to the beauty of God as He calls them to return to His arms? Can you hear the melody of a sweet song as voices harmonize to give Him praise? Can you feel the uprising of the Holy Spirit as it comes to spread over this land and through the hearts of men? Can you see a generation redeemed as they return to the promise of the Lord? Can you see the dancing in freedom that comes only from the sacrifice on the cross? Can you see...? Open your eyes and see how good God is. Turn to Him, and walk in freedom! Feel the uprising...

The Chosen Path

After a crucial night and place God brought me to, I was able to spend some time out in His creation today to allow Him to speak to me and bring me to where I need to be. There were many different things God showed me and I can't even begin to describe how refreshed I am. Today I needed to choose the path on which I wanted to walk on. I could choose to make myself a slave and continue to hold myself and God back by not forgiving myself and taking my hands off the reins, or I could choose to walk in the path of freedom in which He has always laid out before me. I think so often I start on that path of freedom, but then I try to diminish the power that comes with walking on that path, saying that it'll take time to eventually get on that path of freedom, and as soon as I take that attitude, I begin the retreat back into slavery. I either walk on the path, or I don't! No longer can I attempt to tread the fine line of both, trying to receive the benefits of each. God's purpose for me is not to walk on a trapeeze line of sorts, but to set my feet firmly upon the rock and embrace the freedom that has always been there!

Down in the canyon today, there were all of these dead leaves, still hanging onto the branches of the trees. I was struck by the fact that so often in our lives, we are so much like those trees. I know for me, God has been crucifying many different things for His greater glory, but the full process of crucification involves the letting go of the dead so birth of beauty can take place. I haven't been letting go of those leaves that have died and because of that, I haven't been allowing rebirth to take place. How much more beautiful is the coming of new blossoms upon a tree rather than the stubborn dead ones of a season past?

So today I did something to make this release more concrete for me. I literally stripped off the leaves of the branches and let them go, into the light of my Father. Let the leaves that I was once holding onto so tight be released as I opened up my hand and let the breeze take them away.

And then, let my empty hands be lifted up to my Father so He can fill them up. Let me lift my hands in worship and praise, no longer holding onto something that is so dead and barren. Let the fruit come forth.

No longer will I entangle myself in a mess of things, when the path of freedom is laid out before me.
Instead, I will climb up onto the rock that is higher than I and let that be my dwelling place.
I will live a life of expectation, knowing that God wishes to give me much more than I could ever imagine. I will keep my eyes open in watchful expectation, and I will receive those blessings. Our God is too great not to expect amazing things from Him! I will take those promises and use them to the full.

And yes, the path is narrow but the light of Christ will always lead me on.

My faith will no longer be that of a fragile one, such as the ice that cracks as the result of any burden placed on it.

Let the rushing of the Holy Spirit come forth.

God has given us all free will because He doesn't want us to be forced to love Him and worship Him. Instead, we as Christians, should exercise our free will by saying that His is better than our own. So today, I say and do this and I'm not turning back. I've been walking on the path of slavery far too long. I know this road isn't an easy one, but I think I made the path of slavery so much harder for myself. I kept myself in bondage. Let the God of the Universe who created me before I was known delight in me, His creation who is running into His arms.

Psalm 119:169-176

May my cry come before you, O LORD ; give me understanding according to your word. May my supplication come before you; deliver me according to your promise. May my lips overflow with praise, for you teach me your decrees. May my tongue sing of your word, for all your commands are righteous. May your hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen your precepts. I long for your salvation, O LORD , and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you, and may your laws sustain me. I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.

Forgiveness

I need to forgive myself. I think by not forgiving myself I am letting this cycle of bringing myself to the foot of His throne to surrender and then retreating at once because I'm unable to fully surrender continue. What’s my own heart condition? And how much have I held back from my Lord! How do I forgive myself? I need His grace in that desperately. I hold myself back from experiencing the freedom He fully has to give because I won’t forgive myself for things. I hold myself back from experiencing the gifts He has to give because I won’t forgive myself. I pretend these things aren't issues and try to push them aside, but sweeping it under the rug won’t do anything. How much is the hypocrisy I have shown in talking about freedom and still not experiencing it fully for myself? I think when I am able to forgive myself I will then be able to fully surrender to Him. I can't live any longer by my standards or the world’s, for those only pull me down more. And still I wonder why I’m not experiencing everything He has to give. I’m putting myself in the way. When I forgive myself I will be releasing myself from the control I have on myself, on my plans, and on my life. I will then have no choice but to walk fully in freedom, for I believe that is the only thing holding me back. I need to face up to my sins and instead of being so ashamed of them that I don't come to His throne in them, I need to realize those are already forgiven by His blood. I need to learn how to fully embrace who I am, who God has created me to be, and instead of letting it cause a downfall, be able to use it fully for His glory. I can't wallow in the fact that I don't deserve His mercy, the fact is, I don't, but humility is accepting that which we cannot earn. I struggle with this.

All of my life I have done amazing things and had many significant accomplishments, and until I came to know Christ, I didn't see that it really is Christ working through us, and He deserves all the glory. And in the last year, with a lot of significant accolades bestowed upon me, I found myself tiring of the fact that I was being glorified rather than Christ. Yet, the fact hasn't changed that I am a doer, that is how I am a leader in a lot of respects, but that is also how I get in the way of what He wishes to do. I find it incredibly ironic tonight that by being a "doer," it is an attempt on my part to make myself less vulnerable, when in actuality, it makes me the most vulnerable. I place myself and my heart in precarious positions, when it is not meant to be there. And by being a doer, I attempt to cover this up.

I also realize tonight that I struggle with fully accepting His grace, for I think myself unworthy. I can never earn His grace, it is a gift. I see how Satan has been lying to me in trying to get me to not let God's grace be sufficient for everything, not just what I wish to expose. Satan doesn't want me to fully accept His grace because when I do, when I fully forgive myself, then Christ has won the battle, for his purpose that "I have come so they may have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10) will be realized.

Somehow, the root of all my struggles seems to come back to forgiveness. I need to forgive myself...

Father

Fallen over yet another rock in the ground
Wondering what it is that keeps bringing him down
Is it because of his lack of good works or ability to do?
Perhaps something that happened in a life before?
Oh the illusion drawn that proves so fickle
Unable to open his heart and mind
Too hurt by the scars that have lingered over time
Father, I pray he will be able to embrace You in the way he never has
For the longing knaws at him so deep inside
Yet after all these years he can’t escape his pride
Father, I pray You will break down the fortress walls in his life
For he keeps seeking yet always hides
He attempts to find in the comfort what he can only find in the exposed
The source of life inside he believes is already there
Father, I see You are working in his mind yet there is a bitter enemy to his soul
Casting an illusion on what really is
Father, I pray for him that You will always fight
Show him your mercy made new every day, show him
That You are the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
Father, I pray that you will open his eyes, allow him to see
The love that burns for him within Your heart
Father, I pray You will speak to him as a father
Fill the extreme void left by his earthly one
Bring him to a place where he falls on his knees and worships only You
Let him accept the gift You so freely give
I’ll stand and watch the transformation of a renewed soul
As You give him what only You can give.
Heavenly Father, bless my father
As You have blessed me immensely with him.
Thank you, O my Father, You are worthy of all praise!

Radiance

Amazed

This Plan I am Humbly a Part of...

What to say, though there's much on my heart and mind. I have been struck today by this plan God has that I am humbly a part of, a plan in which I know and see parts of and some remain unknown. Things are going to be different. I must not be afraid to walk against the tide. I must walk by the Spirit and go as it leads me, even when it argues with my logic. Why He chooses to use me as an instrument of His grace I don't understand, because I am the least deserving. Yet He has huge plans for me, some of which scare the heck out of me, but in the beginning and end, I will be able to say, "Yes, this is my God, to whom all praise is due."

And the battle continues to rage. Satan does not want me home this week. I am seeing bits and pieces of why, but I know the bigger picture will be revealed as God wills. Be praying. Be praying for me that I will completely dwell in His strength and not my own. Be praying that the enemy will not get a foothold on the acts of God that are to happen and are happening. But in all this prayer, be praising. He is ever deserving of our praise, no matter what the circumstances. Our God is good. Our God is faithful. Our God is infinite in every way.

Take Me Deeper Still
The infinity I will never be able to grasp
Impossible to wrap my mind around who You are
And all the love You have given to me
But still You take me to a place
Far beyond anything I could ever dream
Allow me to come beside quiet waters and drink
Drink to the full

Like a lamb lost in the pasture
Seeking my shepherd, He’s the One I’m after
Knowing He’s called me to be wrapped in His care
O Lord, bring me there
Lovingly I dwell in the presence of the One whom I seek
Knowing all I need to bring is my heart so meek
So I seek

Chorus
Take me there, far beyond the pasture gates
Take me to where I know my Savior awaits
Bestow on me the crown of splendor I don’t deserve
In all my moments, in all my days, in every breath of praise
I long to glorify You forever, my Dear Lord
Take me deeper still

Take me deeper still (refrain)

Consumer of My Heart

Stirring up this hunger deep inside my soul
The one that I try over and over to put into words
But how can I stand before You and not let my words be few?
No longer remain on my feet and not be moved by You?
O Heavenly Father, You are the consumer of my heart

Let my praise be dear
Let my praise be true
Let my praise be ceaseless
Let my praise be pure
Let my praise be
Ever so pleasing to You

Stilled and Quieted My Soul

"My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have stilled and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore " Psalm 131.

Being weaned from a mother's breast isn't an immediate act, but rather the baby lays fitful in his mother's arms as he craves that which satisfies him. Yet the mother knows that it is best for her child for him to be no longer dependent or crave that of which satisfies him for the present; she knows there are bigger and better things. When the child is finally weaned, he is able to rest securely in his mother's arms without a fitful rest or flood of crying. The soul has been stilled and quieted.

How young am I in certain ways, such as depending so much and finding so much stock within myself, when it is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me. Instead of depending on that which is right in front of me, the things of this world, how much more should I look to my nurturer, Jesus Christ! How I should always look to Him!

Yet how faithful is God still in melting my haughty heart and the more I see His grace the more I am humbled. And how much better is it still when I don't concern myself with the things I am not meant to understand.

A walk by faith. The walk in the Spirit. This is what I am meant to live for, nothing else. No longer will I allow myself to get in the way; I pray earnestly that He will do whatever it takes to push me aside for His will to be done.

Leave the things I once knew. It's all rubbish, all I count but loss. The routines that nullify my heart so effectively will cease. Instead let the uprising of a love that swells so fervently in my heart pour out and determine my attitude, my actions, my life.

"But I have stilled and quieted my soul..."

A Lily Among Thorns

The yearning to be set apart only resonates stronger within
With every blink, every breath, every note of praise sung
To take me deeper to a place where I’ve never been
A lily among thorns, beauty that radiates in a world so torn
Bearing a message of hope to be birthed in desolate hearts
Only, still, in the Shepherd’s hands I am
The illusion of outward charm be gone and true passion take its place
Do I dare? I do…
The unfolding of petals brings a fragrance so sweet
An offering of honesty and vulnerability
Brings a beauty incomparable to any other
For the illusion of the tender flower fosters the image of my Savior
The source of resplendence I bear...
A lily among thorns may I be
In a world so torn let beauty radiate from me

Simplicity

There's a beauty in simplicity, in letting your words be few. There's a beauty in being still before Him and knowing He is God. There's a beauty in the heart of worship in which praise overflows. And there's such a beauty in surrender...there I will remain.

Wonder Begins

Sitting on the grains looking into the mystery
Of that which is present but difficult to see
And the wonder begins…
Reaching out to touch the fog with a slender hand
Wondering what brings the mist that sweeps across the face
And the wonder begins…

Running barefoot with bundles of energy
Bounding carefree across the endless sand
And the wonder begins…
Endless means to discover what’s unknown
New worlds to explore and to call one’s own
And the wonder begins…

The hand upon the shoulder that guides one so innocent
Allows one so naïve to throw caution to the wind
And the wonder begins…
Looking into the eyes filled with the kind of love impossible to understand
Knowing there we rest securely in One’s hands
And the wonder begins…

Breaking

A breaking of the mind, body and spirit all in one week...kind of exhausting...and I need to be careful about defining this process to be over simply because it's Friday, because it could very well continue. I think this past week was the hardest week I've had at Cal Poly since I've been here for so many different reasons. And yet I'm still standing, barely, not by my will and strength, but rather His. It's been an incredibly convicting week for me, and through this I keep my eyes on the words of Paul in Philippians, "that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion in the day of Christ Jesus" (ch 1 vs 6).

In my Architecture studio today the question was asked of us, "why are you here?" I need to wrap my mind around that fact so much more. Why am I here at Cal Poly when I could be so much closer to home? I know the answer to that is a stretching of myself and Him placing me here among all the people around me because He wants to use me for something great and be a part of something unbelievable. Why am I studying Architecture this year when I will eventually be switching majors? So far this year has been unbelievable in what I have done, but more importantly, what I have learned, and they are things that will help me in education and life forever. And for one who's used to getting good grades with little effort, failing when I try so hard is another learning experience. I don't really understand how I am going to get through the next five years school wise, especially with grades, but I'm brought back to the fact that learning is so crucial and so necessary, and as long as I am learning and doing my best, then that's all I can really ask of myself.

But most importantly, as long as the one who began a good work in me continues to complete it and I embark on that journey every day, led by His paths and plans for me, then I am where I need to be, regardless of any circumstances that may transpire...

Dwelling in a Strength that's not my own

“There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.”
Philippians Ch 1, The Message.

In the midst of the past 3 weeks or so, I've felt pretty lousy physically...a lot of different things have been going on, but I find it amazing that I can still be doing so good as a result, the result of God in my life and working in all of my circumstances. And in how I feel, I am constantly blown away by how He continues to strengthen me, because trust me, it's His strength, not my own. I'm still doing well with just about everything, which is such a paradox. However, I've come to learn that the Christian faith consists of so many paradoxes and this is just another.

I’m thinking about why I must feel so icky and exhausted and I think a part of it is God continues to do this so I will not rely on my own strength but rather His. It’s so weird because I think I do this and to a point I do, but how much more I need to, especially with what is to come? How much pride and stock do I take in myself that I still rely on myself somewhat? But how amazing is it to see Him carry me through…And still with this, if I can rejoice in my sufferings and praise Him all the while, that will be worth it, worth the cause. Whatever I go through, let it bring glory to His name. Though on the outside I don’t like feeling like this, on the inside I know it’s exactly where I need to be and I trust Him in it. And there is so much more to this life than trusting Him. While that is all well and good, there’s so much more depth than that. And I think it’s in the sufferings that He brings us through that allow us to experience and know Him on such a deeper level. Yes, one can trust a person for what they say on face value and have that surface level relationship, which is a bond, don’t get me wrong, but when you suffer with one another, it is there you realize and see the love, self-sacrifice, barriers down, everything. The mask comes off. And still I think mine is coming off. Let people see I don’t have it all together. I don’t. But even more, let them see that I praise Him as a result, and always will.

And though I may not see directly who this may be affecting, it is my prayer that God will use this for His glory, somehow, in some way. Though I may not see clearly at the present, I eagerly anticipate when it will all become clear, because I know, I know that all of what I'm going through will seem so small in comparison to what He does, and beautiful it will be...it always is.

Sanctification

Words of the world
painful, excruciating
drones on and on as the ache increases
only brings one farther away
from what is good, true

For in the silence beauty is spoken
sweetly, tenderly
the language of love blossoms in purity
only brings one farther away
from what is tainted, false

Revel in the solitude of sorts
in the quiet that brings peace of mind
for the silence brings sanctification
know that now is the time
for the renewal that's one of a kind


Close to your breaking point but trusting and praising God ever still brings a battle Satan wages in...and though I am spent, still I press on allowing Him to do as He wishes...I feel as if I am mucking through the mud, sluggish and barely able to see through the fog at some points, but like a boat in the harbor in the storm, I see the lighthouse on shore and that keeps me pushing on...prayers are much needed and appreciated as the storm persists in this uncertain time.

Destination Set, Journey Unsure

Have you ever driven at night and you know where you're supposed to end up, but because it's night, you really don't know where you are at the present time? However, you know you're on the right road to get you to where you ultimately need to be, so you trust in that though the journey is unsure. And one thing that gives you security is looking up at the stars, and how they are always there and unchanging despite your location, no amount of clouds can disprove their existence nor light of day.

Such is my situation at the present. I know my destination and that I am on the path I need to be on, but my journey is a bit unsure. I'm in the dark a bit as to where I am at the present is going to get me closer to where I need to be...but still I know I am on the right road and I will trust in that. And still I will trust in my God who is like the stars above...ever present, unchanging, and no matter what my circumstances, they will never hide the fact He exists. In fact, they only prove that more. This is why in the situation I am in now I will not stop or run away from because in these trials I only see clearer and know God better as a result. My prayer is that He will bring whatever He wishes, because though my journey is unsure, my destination is set.

Adventure

How often do we truly branch out of our comfort zone, not just in our surroundings, but within ourselves? I found myself pondering that question the past couple of days as I came down to San Diego with my roommate for the long weekend. Not a big deal, it may seem, as I always want to experience new places and am open and adventurous, but there's always that slight tinge that makes me wonder what am I doing when I do so. A new place is unfamiliar and so it causes me to be hesistant at first...a strange reaction for one who dreams of such adventures. And as I got the chance to spend the entire day with an atheist, that proved to be an adventure as well. For how can two people so opposite come together in the other's company and find a common ground of sorts? Only by the grace of God...to let His love speak louder than any words I could possibly say, and that is what moves people. I praise Him for this friendship that is beginning that is such an answer to prayer.

And as for adventure? Yesterday as I found myself in this hesistant state, God asked me, "where's your sense of adventure?" and to that I replied, "It's always here as long as I know I am in Your arms, Dear Lord." He stated, "My Child, You always are...embark with me." And so I embark, not just today, but starting today for the rest of my life. Let me always embark on the adventure He has for me, for I can rest securely in the knowledge that I am always in His arms...

The Children Come

I had an absolutely incredible interaction with God tonight...there's much I want to say but I must refrain a bit for there are some things that must be left between Him and me, at least for the time being. But as for what I can say...

I can't fully stress enough what honesty will do, and I don't just mean honesty in the areas you want to be open in. I'm talking about honesty in every single area, even those you don't want to be open about. I am not saying that we should be hasty and rush out and tell everyone all of our secrets, that's not what I mean at all. We should be guarded and careful about what we do say, but when God calls you to open a door previously locked and expose what is within, we must obey. And this kind of obedience is not burdensome at all--none of God's commands are burdensome--but in particular, this, because when we are honest about the things we don't wish to be, it is freeing beyond belief and no longer gives Satan any opportunity to get a foothold there. The reason I talk about this and stress this is because of the experience I've recently had with my parents. To make a long story short, I wrote a letter to my parents and basically told them everything about me, the things I've been through, how I came to Christ, and most importantly and most difficultly, my struggles and defeats, especially in the past, and how God triumphed and conquered my sin. Never has exposing something been that difficult, but also never has God moved so much in that. Be honest...be open and obedient to what God wishes.

As for tonight...I kick myself in a sense because I know that when I am still and silent in the presence of God it is when He speaks to me the most and the most clearly. Yet I rarely shut up enough to listen. Luckily we have a God that overcomes my human stupidity, thank goodness. So tonight I was finally quiet enough to hear and hear I did...hear I did. The running dialogue between our Father and His children is so beautiful and untainted, and to hear Him speaking and directly responding to you in a conversational manner...amazing. And this I must remain reserved about until/if He tells me not to, but basically God professes His love for us constantly, and I mean constantly...we just don't listen to hear it. And what we pray for and by faith ask in His name, He will answer, in fact, He longs to. We must breathe and allow Him to be our source for we are nothing apart from Him and nothing will come as a result of holding our breath.

And the time is coming, in beauty, sweetness, and purity, when His children come...


Children Come
You're moving too fast
sit a while, slow your mind
be still and there I promise you will find
the clarity that results in time
You're holding your breath
breathe, take it in
let me fill you from within
your source on which you depend
You're listening poorly
tune your ear and hear
I say You are my child, have no fear
always will I be here
You're seeing vaguely
Open your eyes and see
those who stand on their feet
the time is approaching when they will worship me
The Children are coming...

How it Ought to Be

How it Ought to Be

Full hands lead to contented hearts
Amazing what a box of chocolates can do
Possessing some power to view the world through rose-colored glasses
Supposedly professing one’s love so true
But is this how it ought to be?

Cupid’s arrow flying through the air
Piercing those with open hands and leaving them lovestruck
For one touch claims to change the world that previously existed
Leaving one in infatuation
But is this how it ought to be?

For empty hands lead to broken hearts
Stunning what a lack of admiration can bring
Leaving those left in the dust to wallow in their tears
Wondering if they will ever be chosen
This isn’t how it ought to be.

For empty hands lead to broken hearts
In desolation, despair, suffering
And it is there we fall at the feet
Of the One who went through what happens now
Leaving our hearts in the presence of the One who knows how to keep

For full hands lead to contented hearts
Beauty revealed, hope reinstated, the rose-colored glasses needed no more
Satisfied desires because of the One who so freely gives
Crown of glory restore, empty love needed no more
This is how it ought to be.


Ah Valentines Day. First of all, let me state that I don’t have any problem with the idea of Valentine’s day. I think it’s a fine idea with a good motive behind it. However, I do have a problem with what it has become. It’s almost kind of amusing to me in a way now. All of the commercialization is ridiculous, with every kind of product offered and carpet companies making advertisements with a tie to Valentine’s day. There are sales for Valentines Day, pizzas made in the shape of hearts, flowers, flowers, flowers, and more that I can’t possibly remember at this time because it’s simply EVERYWHERE!

I think a lot of the problem I have with it is the focus of Valentine’s Day and how it has become so skewed. Valentine’s Day is based on love; that’s really the only point of the day. Yet the kind of love that is celebrated on Valentine’s day makes me disgusted and frankly, kind of sad. How materialistic has society become? How blind are we to what love, in the way it was created, really is? It’s not about how many cards you get or how big your box of chocolates is or how blooming the roses are or how many carats are in that diamond necklace you receive. And still, love is not about what gifts you receive, especially not in the materialistic way.

I walk down my hall today and you see the ones who have a boyfriend or special someone, for they are beaming and dressed up waiting to go on the surprise adventure and be showered with gifts. On the contrary, you see the ones who don’t have a boyfriend or special someone, for they are dressed in sweats, eyes riddled with disappointment, shoulders and head hung low. They are not in expectation of anything, and they remind themselves of that fact simply by their state of being.

I have a severe problem with this. I hate the fact that girls base their entire sense of self worth on the fact of whether or not they have a boyfriend, and even more, I hate how that penetrates their hearts. All this world has to give is temporary and will never satisfy them and still they long for that, because it’s all they know of that will relieve the longing they feel to be loved. Girls’ hearts are so fragile and though we are created to be sensitive and will be, we as girls put ourselves out there and allow ourselves to be broken. The fault doesn’t come with what we don’t receive but rather our expectations are too high of this world, and they will never be met. This world will never give what the heart truly desires and we can’t search for it here. And as a result, days like Valentine’s Day only magnify this problem ever more.

I remember what it is like to be broken as a result of constantly seeking in this world what my heart truly desires. I remember that feeling and I remember how hollow it left me. I remember these because it was not too long ago for me…roughly five and a half years ago. But though these memories linger and remain vivid, I know they remain vivid because in their vividness, how much more I appreciate and realize the grace and love of the one I now hold so dear in my heart, my Precious Lord, my Heavenly Father. The brokenness that once riddled me, my heart, and my life no longer remains, for a beauty far greater than I could ever explain has been birthed in its place. And that is a love worth singing about…

Still this mission before me remains to allow myself to be a vessel to restore the hearts of the girls before me. Yes, some progress has been made, but it’s not an easy task, for hearts have been so broken and mishandled. It’s so bad to the point that I know some girls question whether anything good could ever come out of it, because it’s been that way for so long. They’ve never seen any different so why should they think any different? The hope is gone. Yet, by the grace of God, I know this doesn’t have to be and won’t be reality…for outside of my understanding He works and uses me in ways I don’t see. I do not boast about myself but I rather boast at what Christ has done in me. I know who He is and what He’s done in my life and I know the words I say, the attitude I have, and the way I act, people take notice of. And the reason why it is so different is because my hope is not here, not in the things of this world, but rather my Heavenly Father and He NEVER disappoints. It is this that allows me to smile and still find the joy in every day, even when things may not be going as desired, because I know the Lord and I know how good He is. I desire this so much for the girls around me, because He is so healing…incredibly healing. He really is the only one that can heal completely, and oh, when He does, how much beauty is revealed and bursts forth!

And lastly, on what love should really be…yes, I know it’s become somewhat cliché, but it still remains ever true; 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. But expanding on that, I’ve come to believe that love is being willing to die to oneself in order for the good of the other. Love is not based on the emotions that we feel, for those prove to be fickle and unreliable, though not always bad. It is not that we can’t feel love, for I believe we do and it’s a gift from God that we can experience, but love is so much deeper than that. Love is serving one another, the offering of self-sacrifice. Imagine what this world would look like if people loved in this way…

Beggar's Grace

There's a beggar by the side of the road
asking for any change I can spare
and perhaps a ticket home to the life he once knew
but do I care? or do I dare?
To open up my hands and let him come in?

Told to push away my selfish desires
for the benefit of the common man
after all, who am I
to withhold the grace apportioned to me, to do what I can
to open up my arms and let him come in?

I forgot the roots I once bore
when i was beyond nothing and no one seemed to care
yet by the mercy of God I was plucked out of the miry pit
into the presence of my Daddy, the one so fair
I ran in to His open arms and let him come in

So the beggar I was, the beggar I let in
Sharing the grace given so freely
For who am I to forget what has been done for me?
It is this that beckons me to be welcoming
After all, the beggar was once me

Longing to Serve

Such a longing to serve, one which is difficult to put into words. Such a burden on my heart for those lost or in the temporary darkness, one that wants to give everything. Such a renewal and restoring by my Lord that needs to be poured out. Such are the many in need but don't want or realize the healing power of Christ. Such is the love I have inside that aches for others that makes me want to serve ever more. And the bitter taste in my mouth of a kind of stagnation--I can't bear. I am called to love. I am called to serve. And I will be there for my brothers and sisters in Christ and all those who don't know or follow Him. Because this love that I bear is much too strong and powerful for me to bottle up. It is my prayer that these opportunities will abound, because at the moment, I see few and I need more. I pray that those in need will come or allow me to serve them, because that is my heart's cry, and I know the goodness and mercy of the Lord will always be present.

Uprooted

In Which I Boast

Olympics…all of these different countries and athletes come together and unite for a common purpose. It does not matter where they are from but instead there is a respect among all, for all have toiled and sacrificed much in order to gain this great goal: the privilege of competing in an Olympic Games. While there is pride in each’s home country it is not the arrogant type of pride (at least not in the norm), that states “my country is always better than yours,” but rather the kind of pride that is “I believe in my country that helped me to get here and I know I can bring glory back to it in return.” One often finds that the best athletes are the most humble ones.

How often do we take pride in ourselves in an arrogant way? The only thing we can ever boast in is that of Christ Jesus! Galatians 6:14 states “May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me and I to the world.” And I also wonder how often we truly humble ourselves and look at other people and cultures and see not the differences but the thing that brings us together. We let petty differences separate us far too often and this is one of Satan’s strategies. We must not fall prey to it, for we “are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:26-28).

Praise Him in the Storm

Casting Crowns: Praise You in this Storm

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

It’s interesting how when we conquer one spiritual battle and one area in which Satan gets his foothold in, that he takes us to another level more difficult to battle. And still it is a process, in which we conquer and go to the higher battles. We’re always fighting for a cause, and the cause in my life is Christ. Lately after finishing a good book, Waking the Dead, God’s shown me how critical having my heart strong and completely with Him is, because His glory is revealed when we are fully alive. So after realizing and conquering that battle, Satan’s brought another one, which is casting me down with feeling pretty crappy so I don’t want to do anything, the most of all these, praise God in the midst of this storm. The last two days have been such a paradox in so many ways, because I feel so lousy yet I am doing so good. My heart is in the right place and I can’t help but praise God for all He’s done. I come to Him with all that I am and all that I have, and at this moment, it’s basically nothing, but still I come and He rewards that. I can’t tell you how sweet it is. I am not sufficient on my own to fight these battles; it is only by His power and strength that I can, and so when I am stripped away to nothing, I must fully rely on His strength and that is when I see His glory revealed in such a significant way. It is no longer I but Him who does these things through me. He overcomes in huge ways, and He will always overcome. It’s come to the point that I don’t really care if I feel crappy the rest of my days, because so much more in these times I realize and know who God is and rely on Him alone. That is what I long to live for and that is who I long to be, a woman after His own heart. So let Satan bring on the battles, them ever increasing in their difficulty. It is through these battles that my God will be glorified ever more. I know that I can’t fight these on my own, but I always have the Lord on my side and that is more than sufficient for me. I am here and I submit to Him alone. And still I will sing at the top of my lungs, still I will dwell in His goodness, still I will spread His love, and still, I will praise Him in this storm.

Praise God

Praise Him in the midst of joy. Praise Him in the midst of shame. Praise Him in the midst of healing. Praise Him in the midst of pain. Praise Him in the midst of sunshine. Praise Him in the midst of rain. Praise Him in the midst of smiles. Praise Him in the midst of tears. Praise Him in the midst of battles. Praise Him in the midst of conquered fights. Praise Him in the midst of sickness. Praise Him in the midst of suffering. Praise Him in the midst of lack of clarity. Praise Him in the midst of revelation. Praise Him because of His grace. Praise Him because of His love. Praise Him because He is faithful. Praise Him because He is merciful. Praise Him because He is jealous. Praise Him because He is hallowed. Praise Him because He is above all. Praise Him because we have the privilege of doing so.

"I will praise You, O Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High" Psalm 9:1-2.

Flight

Ah...He continues to inspire me and I can't help but let praise flow forth and allow myself to be a vessel for His words...

Release
Inspirational dreamer
There’s something inside
Let it take root
And allow it to fly
Little girl
Seeking more
Let His love
Upon you pour
Innocent one
Shelter your eyes
Childlike faith
Always hold inside
Beautifully blissful
Nothing holds you down
His arms lift you higher
From the hallowed ground
See that tear
That rolls from your eye
Caught by His hand
Homesick you cry
Radiant joy
Beams from your smile
Light in this world
Make it worth your while
Treasured one
He’s called you by name
Ransomed your heart
Never the same
Redeemed one
Look inside
See His wings
That enable you to fly

Feather
Feather of crow, the raven of the night
Haunts its prey as it takes flight
Rule over the darkness and lure more in
Feather of crow, lands upon the ground
There it will remain
Feather of dove, the bird of the light
rules those willing as it takes flight
Restore and expose those who wallow still
Feather of dove, sweeps across my face
Ever still, Your presence will remain
Feather of the light

Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God

This is a poem I received in my Bible study last week...I love it.

Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay
We should like to skip the intermediate stages
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow.
Let them shape themselevs without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
--that is to say, grace--
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in You will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine dresser.
Amen.

Imagine

Fickle is the illusion appearing before me
That who I am will never receive
The anointing of the grace given for free
Out of his presence I must flee

So who am I to come to Your feet?
Who am I to offer all of me?
This beauty You have restored is ever so baffling
And still You pour…

Chorus
What would it be like if those You love loved You fully in return?
What would we see if for only You our hearts burn?
I imagine it would be light shining so bright it penetrates everything
Exposing the darkness of the night in which we remain
What would we do if we truly saw Your face, with our eyes unveiled
Is this what we long to see, who we long to be?
Imagine…

All consuming fire blaze uninhibited
Move like lyrical healing to the soul
These hearts that are the treasure of Your Kingdom
Still fight to restore

Stubborn Steel

Basically I don't know why God speaks to me through so many metaphorical ways. I know that's how my mind works and how He has created me, so I'll go with it. Calculus, a walk to class...now steel.

I've been so convicted as I work on this architecture project of mine. It's a group project and basically we're making this ridiculously crazy amazing metal spike that will suspend into the air and also rest on the ground as a bench. It's hard to explain; it's pretty abstract.

We take this raw material, steel, and attempt to make it into something beautiful. Yet for that to happen, it must relinquish its strength to its maker and allow him/her to form it into what it needs to be. Some are more stubborn than others and don't quite go the way we wish. We take so many pieces and intertwine them in order to build something that is solid and firm, all these pieces come together as one, meet at one point higher and farther than we can reach from the ledge we will eventually stretch over.

I find myself frustrated with myself tonight for I find I resemble this structure in so many ways. I bend so easily in lots of ways and allow God to shape me and make me beautiful in that way, yet there are a few stubborn areas and pieces that unconsciously I fight Him on. And when you try to put all these pieces together in a sculpture and place the exterior on in order that it may be finished, it proves to be much more difficult than anticipated. It's usually just those few pieces that didn't go quite the way they were supposed to. Why am I so persistent on having my way and my plans and ideas in certain things? I don't relinquish control in the way I should in certain areas. These pieces that are to come together and meet at a point higher and farther than myself proves to be a struggle because of these few pieces. And still the pieces can't come all together, though I know they won't until I see Him face to face, but still it must continue to take shape and give the clear impression that it is pointing to something higher than myself, my Father.

So You are my Creator, my Maker, Dear Lord. Take these stubborn steel, pieces and ideas of mine and bend them, shape them, in order that they may fit into this sculpture and creation You have made of me. I desire to be complete. I know it will be a difficult process but all the more neccessary. I'm tired of not giving, here I am, here I bend underneath the care of Your hands. Do as You wish, refine Your work in me. May all these pieces come together and be complete.

Light

The bright late afternoon sun shines ever so brightly into the eyes as the descent down the hill begins. It is a walk that one picks up momentum due to the steep incline. People pass by and there's pandemonium all around as the frantic rush begins to get to class on time, caught up in the details of everyday life. They fight the hill as they strain and push to reach the top; yet with many things to weigh them down, it does not prove to be an easy task. I look around myself and wonder why I seem to be the only one going downhill while everyone else seems to go up, and still I wonder why I can't see people clearly at all, for the sun blinds me so severely. The details on their faces are softened from far away, yet as they near, the harshness becomes more rigid. Lines of life are engraven upon their face and it becomes ever so severe and harsh, you can see the struggles, fears, disappointments that have riddled their story. Why are their backs turned on such magnificent light that illuminates all it faces? Still I press on down the hill, picking up ever more momentum as the light blazes.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord shines upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn" (Isaiah 60:1-3).
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor (Isaiah 61:1-3).

The Second Time Around...

A quote from my Math teacher regarding answers on our first midterm:
"We have to know perfectly the reason for why our answer is correct--we must be able to defend it and state it clearly. Otherwise, what is the point of doing the work and not knowing why it is correct?"

I'm taking Calculus again this quarter because I didn't do so well last quarter and felt that I could improve by taking it again. Yet as I understand the material so much better than I did, my scores are still not significantly improving. It's been interesting because the professor I have this quarter is the exact opposite from the one I had last quarter, and God has made it clear from the very beginning of this quarter that there are going to be significant things He was going to teach me through my math professor--not about math though. Glimpses have been shown but one came so clearly today...I don't quite know why God has chosen my math professor as a person to speak to me through, but sure...He knows what is best.

As we go on pursuits of knowledge and understanding, there will often be times we are confused and for a long time it doesn't matter how hard we attempt to understand something it won't be clear. But still we push on and don't give up because we seek out the day that things become clear, that things begin to make sense. It is then that our eyes are lifted from the fog that we are in and we begin to say, "yes, it is becoming clear." Such has been calculus for me. Such has been my walk with Christ as well. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter how clear calculus becomes in my mind, if I can't execute it and show it on the test, then my grades reflect that and it comes back to the point of do I really understand, though I claim to? Is it really about the grades? Is it really about what kind of "mark" we get, that shows our status in relation to others? I think not.

Looking within myself and around the classroom today as midterms were handed back, I saw many downcast faces, faces engraven with disappointment as the studying they did didn't seem to produce any results. I saw one boy almost begin to cry. And we try and we try and we do all we can in order to achieve this "status" that says, "yes, you are good. You understand this, it is clear." But how often do we really understand things though we claim to? We claim to understand our faith and who God is in our lives, yet the mark still is low. As sinners we always will fall below the mark, for in comparison to God we are nothing. It's times like this that logic will reason, "well, what's the point then? If we can't ever do well and achieve the high mark, then what's the point?" But it is there that is the point that we miss all the time! The point is that we will never be enough, but still we try and strive and climb in order that we may gain that understanding and knowledge though the mark will always be cast low. It's not about the mark we receive, it's not about how good we are in comparison with others because we are nothing! Yet we have to press on every single moment because it is through that pressing on that our faith is developed and honed , and as that happens, we become more and more sure of it.

I think this is such a big reason why there aren't more Christians today or so many lukewarm. Either pride gets in the way, or then when the Gospel is presented, all they hear is that "I am a sinner, I can't get to Heaven by myself, Jesus died for me....so what's the point?" The point is the cross covered our blood and sin and allows us this blessing of a pursuit after Him! Yes we will never be enough but it is through His grace we are saved; we must never lose sight of this fact. So why keep trying when you don't see the mark improved? Because He is faithful and He rewards those who pursue Him. You seek answers? He has them. You seek love? He is love. You seek confidence? Then approach His throne with confidence and ask what you wish. You seek forgiveness? It is there, it is done, it is finished. You must receive it and not resign yourself to mediocrity.

So lift up your eyes, all you who are downcast and see what has been done for you on the cross! See that it is done and finished and it's there for you to receive. Continue to press on, press on towards attaining knowledge and wisdom and understanding because these hone our faith, though we will never be the righteous ones like we should be, the ones with high marks. And through this you will see and learn that we must "always be prepared to give an answer for the hope we have" (1 Peter 3:15).

"We need to know perfectly the reason for why our answer is correct. We must be able to defend it and state it clearly. Otherwise, what is the point of doing the work and not knowing why it is correct?"
We need to know the reason for why we choose Christ. We must be able to defend it and state clearly why He is the Lord of our lives, why we choose Him above all. Otherwise, what is the point of being a Christian and bearing the name when we don't even know why we do? Why should others receive Him? Forget about marks, seek out wisdom and understanding that will give you these answers. When you seek these out, seek GOD! He alone is the source and the center. The second time around...don't let it pass you by.

Silence in the Midst of a Story

Silence in the presence of God is an amazing thing. Not really talking to people for almost an entire day can do wonders for the clarity of mind and the ability to hear God clearly. It was such a blessing because today was supposed to be so busy, and it wasn't, though I still got things done. There were things I was supposed to do, but I felt God calling me to push those aside for today and allow myself to decompress in a sense, and He totally blessed it. For the first time in a long time, I felt able to breathe. Able to sit still, drink in the plentiful sunshine and warmth, and sharpen my focus on Him, knowing that just as the oxygen around me is essential for me to breathe, His presence is essential to my life. It's not as if I don't know these things all the time, but I feel that in the midst of such craziness with school and all the other things we do, it's easy for it to become somewhat foggy and not so clear and because of that lack of clarity, it's not the first thing that jumps out at us. It's interesting as I write this because I look back on this past week and I see some days that were so amazingly clear as I communed with God the entire day, and others that weren't. I also got to read through my journal entries since the beginning of the school year--let's just say that took a while, I write a LOT--and it was amazing to see the different themes that lingered throughout this entire time. One of the prevalent things I noticed was how so often I cried out for God to give me so much more, how I needed Him in such a bigger way than I had at that present time. And so reading through those, I saw how God answered those prayers and how still it remained and remains a prayer of mine. It's such a mystery to me in some ways...how we can be so blessed and moved and lifted up by Him and because of that, it leaves us craving more. It's a pretty sweet paradox in my opinion, yet at times I have to keep it in check. I know that there are times I become down because I don't see Him clearly in the present because I want so much more than what is given at that time. There's this quote by Jim Eliot I love. It states, "Let not our longings slay our appetite for living." I have to keep coming back to this principle, because though there is much, much more in store for me and for others and this world in the future, we are in the present for a reason and called to such a time as this. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a fast forward and rewind button on our lives. We could fast forward to the future, see what happens, and then rewind back and see how prayers were answered and all that jazz. Well in this I forget about an important thing. Yeah we can fast forward and see amazing things happen, but then when we rewind...we rewind back to a present time that we previously skipped because we fast forwarded instead. And then it's not the same, because in that present time, you miss those opportunties to pray and receive what God has for you at that moment, and that makes the future so much less sweet. It's one thing to say in my mind and another to convince my heart. Still God remains faithful beyond belief and it is in that I place my hope.

As I was out downtown today, I was able to be silent and watch the people and events around me. This came as a result.
"What is this great story before us; this great story at hand? This story that You have placed me a part of, this role You have set before me? For all around characters are present to play a dynamic role in this story. The characters and setting are in place, we have yet to see the complete plot unfold. We are but mere tokens of Your grace, yet You move us still. How can one not smile at Your creation? And how can one not cry at the downfall of it all? How can one not find joy in the smile of a child? And how can one not see the pain in a homeless war veteran's heart? How can one not see the hopes and dreams of those so innocent and not desire to feel that same way? And how can one not see the shattered lives of those broken and downcast, their hopes and dreams gone? How can one not desire the pureness of a first love? And how can one not look at a failed marriage and not see how we can very well be in that state as well? How can one walk moment by moment and not see You? And how can one live day by day and not be moved by You? Here we are and here we stand. Your plot, climax, and resolution are at hand. Move in spirit, move in power throughout this land. Let Your story unfold, Dear Lord."

I pray that in the craziness of everyday life You will take the time and allow Yourself to be moved by God. And I pray that He will grant You the time to be still and rest, even just for a short time, as He has allowed me today. And I pray that as You continue to walk on His paths, seek first His righteousness, that all His blessings will be given to You as well.

Heart

Heart...oh heart. How I need my Lord to be the keeper of my heart!

I often wonder why exactly God created me with the heart I have. I know that it is in His perfect plan and I trust in that fact, but still I wonder...
I am probably one of the most sensitive persons one would meet, but I think very few know that. I don't show it easily or openly. It's been trampled on too many times that I am reluctant to show it or put it out in the open. Since I became a Christian 5 years ago, God has restored my heart in ways I still can't fathom. He's taken what has been broken and made it full again. Through His grace He has shown me what it is like to love purely, innocently, fully...He has given me a sliver of what we all should live and feel like every moment of every day. To feel things so intensely that literally you are paralyzed with emotion, because we as mere humans can't grasp it. To love those around us in ways they have never experienced before because it's Christ's love and then in turn, it changes us in profound ways as well.

I get scared at times at the intensity at which I feel, in which the heart that God has given me speaks to me so strongly. It seems like when I break down the walls and expose its beauty, I am rewarded by and see God in such profound ways, but as soon as that happens, the bitter enemy of my heart jumps in and gets his foothold in me in the things I hold so dear. I recognize this and know this, yet it's such an intense battle because it's that which is so precious to me, the heart my Father has given me. It's intense because it's such a pure and perfect thing of Him--our hearts are where He dwells--that Satan opposes it so severely. I really hate Satan because of this because I am so tired of him trying to take all that is good and twist it and distort it in his obvious attempt to get me to fall.

On a really good side of this, it's been amazing to see how God is using all of this in order that I may understand the girls on my floor, the ones so on my heart, better. I can remember where I once was and see how far I've come and know where they are coming from and in turn see where they can be. The heart is so central.

Why do I long for so much when it seems like I have so little? And why do I long for so much when I can't even handle what He does give me? Why has He created me with the intensity of heart that I have...the intensity in every aspect? Why are these walls still up; the ones that prevent me from showing my full character? And when these walls are down, why is it too much for me to bear? As God created me in His image, and it's too much for me to bear, for if my heart is created such as His, then how much more does His heart resonante and feel and break for us! It is all these questions that keeps me coming back to the fact that the Lord must always be and remain the keeper of my heart.

Glory of God is Man Fully Alive

Some encouraging passages from John Eldredge's Waking the Dead.

"We don't see clearly because we don't see with the eyes of our heart."

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full' John 10:10...When we hear the words eternal life, most of us tend to interpret that as a life that waits for us in eternity. But eternal means unending, not later. The scriptures use the term to mean we can never lose it. It's a life that can't be taken from us. The offer is life and that life starts now."

"The glory of God is man fully alive" (Saint Irenaeus). His happiness and my happiness are tied together? My coming alive is what he's committed to? That's the offer of Christianity? Wow! I mean, it would make no small difference if we knew--and I mean, really knew--that down-deep-in-your-toes kind of knowing that no one and nothing can talk you out of--if we knew that our lives and God's glory are bound together. Things would start looking up...The offer is life. Make no mistake about that. So then...where is that life? Why is it so rare?...By all means, God intends life for you, but right now that life is opposed....we are at war...The world in which we live in is a combat zone, a violent clash of kigdoms, a bitter struggle unto the death. Earlier in the Story, back in the beginning of our time on earth, a great glory was bestowed upon us. We all--men and women--were created in the image of God...We were crowned with glory and honor. WHy does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt that there could be a glory in your life is because that glory has beeen the object of a long and brutal war. War is not just one among many themes in the Bible, it is the backdrop for the whole Story, the context for everything else. God is at war. And what is He fighting for? Our freedom and restoration. The glory of God is man fully alive."

Overcome

I don't know if I have ever quite seen Satan personified as I did tonight or in the way I did tonight. I don't think I've ever seen Satan so visibly among people here as I did tonight. I'm not going to get into the details but basically he was walking and working in so many of the hearts and minds of the girls around me in my dorm and in my classes. Whether it be immorality, lust, rebellion, pride, suggestiveness, and more, I could see it and feel it and at first it left me disgusted and sad for the girls. But in the midst of this I know my God is stronger than Satan and in that I trust. In His name I pray that somehow all this will be eventually used for good. I am reminded of a friend of mine who I stayed up with while she recovered from a pretty heavy night of drinking and I remember the grace of God through the situation and our hearts. He overcame. And still He will overcome. Satan can do all he wants but he will not take over the lives of these girls I am surrounded by. By prayer, I won't let it happen. And I will do all I can to allow the grace of God to move through me once again. My God will overcome.

Caught up

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

Flower blossoming, it opens its petals to reveal its beauty to the world
Sweeps the passer-by off its feet because of sheer luminance
Ever so shy but bold at the same time
Reflecting the work of the Creator and the splendor He’s shown

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

In my heart a blossom are You O Lord
And a flower blooming You are making me
Let me be one to reveal the beauty You’ve set in me
Let me be one to sweep people off their feet because of Your light through me
Possessing an ever so quiet and gentle spirit yet the boldness to bring glory to Your name
Above all, as I am a work of Your hand, let me be one to portray Your splendor
I long to bring due praise to Your name

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

Grain of Sand

I am but a grain of sand washed by the water and waves
A speck in the grand scheme of things
It's easy to despair surrounded by so many unknowns
So I cast my cares upon the one who calls me as His own

An ocean so deep signifies His love for me
The waves beckon me to return home
A breathtaking composition is His creation
One that I, as a grain of sand, can belong

Chorus
I was meant to live for moments such as this
When I look into His infinite Holiness
Leaving me in a state of worship
Praising the Father for the good He's done
My cares are washed away by the swell of the waves
Bringing me home...there I belong

I wasn't meant to understand all He brings
For my lack of understanding leaves me on my knees
All of my days, there I must remain
Knowing He called me, a mere grain of sand, by name

Ever So Clearly Now

My adoration be to the One I’m blessed to call my Father
The father who loves me, I am His own
And I see and feel just a sliver of His holiness
The veil upon my eyes is gone, cast aside
And I see things ever so clearly now

Chorus
So I Fall
And praise
And worship
I long to bring glory to His holy name

The allure of my Father beckons me into His arms
How can I hold back any exultation He deserves?
And I know and hold dear the promises He’s made
My heart swells with the fervor of the love He’s shown
And I feel things ever so clearly now

Chorus

Bridge
Beauty and splendor, justice and peace
Anger and righteousness, love that doesn’t cease
Holiness above all, glory be to His name

Disturbing Beauty

Disturbing Beauty
Eyes unveiled
Beholding mystery
An enigma unraveled
Masquerades crumbling
Wallowing sorrow
Miry pit: source of beauty to come
Disturbing Beauty
Heart swells
Feelings of brokenness
Father’s anguish
Loving anger
Forceful rebuttal
Tender sweetness: sign of beauty to come
Offering one’s life to the cause
Only to be showered with blessings to come
Much reward but much loss
Knowing the heart of my Father, the One
Disturbing Beauty…

Godly Sorrow that Lingers in Expectation

For once out of few times I am at a loss for words to fully describe why I am and have been so downcast today and all that is going on. Talking to my best friend, I think she put it best: God has given me His heart for His people; I do not feel things the same way as I used to nor do I see things the way I used to. He continues to take over in every way imaginable...that's really all I can elaborate on now. So I am going to let the word portray some important truths in my heart right now. 2 Corinithians comes to life tonight.

Chapter 1: 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer...20For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 21Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Chapter 2: 14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God.

Chapter 3:10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts! 12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflectF3 the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Chapter 4: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Chapter 5: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."F5 With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

And finally: a cry of my heart as of late:
Chapter 7: 10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.

Hungry

I'm not doing too well lately and it's hard to put my finger on it. Last week was a difficult one and it got better over the weekend; God was so faithful. Yet I find myself retreating back into that in a sense, but in a different way. Last week I was so discouraged and now I feel so hungry. I barely ate at all today because I didn't have time to and finally at 11 P.M., I had my first meal of the day. And through this time of very little food, it just reminded me what I feel and desire of God right now. My stomach didn't just growl, it clawed at me because it needed so much to make it content for the time being. Yet though I knew I could eat to temporarily satisfy what I needed, it still wouldn't be enough, for a time would come shortly thereafter where I would be hungry again. It's like when I was an athlete and could eat anything in sight; my metabolism would burn it up so much that in spite of how much I ate I would still lose weight. I feel like that now spiritually; in spite of what I am filled with my body just needs so much more and wants so much more. I can eat all the time and never feel full.

I find myself praising God ever so much more but as that happens I find myself less and less satisfied. He is working in every single second, I can't really put it into words, there are some things I must be silent about for now. But yet it's still not enough. I don't just want more, I NEED more. I don't quite know what it is, but I pray He will “search me, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). And I know that “the lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man, it searches out his inmost being” (proverbs 20). As God strips me of so many different things I find He is building me up in His image, which is such an answer to prayer. Still, it brings such a paradox. because I have come so far yet have so infinitely far to go. In the midst of all of this He is revealing and giving me spiritual gifts that I don't quite understand yet, but am seeing the fruit of. It's hard for me to understand why He has put me in the position He has but I know I can't handle it by my own strength; I must handle it by His. And I know the deeper He draws me the more difficult and the more rewarding it will be.

I need God in the midst of this madness. Though I feel His breath upon my face I need Him so much more. I need Him in such a significant way that I can't even describe. I need to know and experience the things that I can't fathom at this time, but will later...

Cardboard and Glue

Cardboard and glue...related back to God...hmm too much time spent doing architecture projects. But as I work on this model I find a lot of parallelisms to different things...

These models call for precision, and that means cutting, measuring, drawing, doing everything to the exact specifications it calls for. The glue must not be showing but rather be holding everything together being apparently invisible. And it all calls to fit within a shadow.

Lately I have been reminded of and am learning the fact that God creates us in precision. He doesn't just slap together a couple of pieces and say, "yeah, this looks good enough." Rather He labored over every detail to make sure we were created in His image, that his work reflects the Creator. But because of our sinful flesh, we don't bear His image in the way that we should. In His faithfulness He continues to create us and perfect us into His likeness, so that we can represent our Creator.
And He is the glue that holds us together. I break without Him to sustain me and it baffles me how people live without Him. He is the one who keeps me together; He is the source of life.
And I dwell in the Shadow of the Almighty...I fit within His presence, though I don't understand why I am worthy. I praise Him for loving me ever the same, and praise Him for allowing me to be in the place that sustains me, in His presence.
So architecture models can still teach us about God...just have to be looking for it. I love how God speaks to me even through trivial things such as cardboard and glue...:-)

Scars and Strangers

There are many scars that occur in and as a result of a battle. Some appear to be surface wounds while others appear much deeper and life threatening. We look at those with the deep wounds and wonder how they are surviving and wonder how they still live with such a deep affliction. We wonder how these deep scars occurred and how they are affecting the person today, though they may have occurred long ago. Some wear their scars with pride, saying, “look at who I am and what I have been through. I am right to feel and act the way I do because I bear the mark of hurt.” And there are others who wear their scars in shame, saying, “I am ashamed to have been what I have, and I bear the mark of hurt and this will always be branded on me, why should I change? Obviously I deserved to have this happen to me so I might as well live the life of shame.” There are others who ignore it still, and say, “What? This scar you ask? I don’t remember it, don’t ask about it” when really they remember it so vividly and how it occurred and the pain it brought. In doing this they prevent themselves from ever receiving healing.

And there are the ones who have the surface wounds that don’t appear to be much. I remember as a kid that often the tiniest little cuts, the ones that you wouldn’t think hurt much, often bled the most. You couldn’t get it to stop bleeding though the source of hurt was so small. Though the wound and scar appears small the impact was long lasting. There are many people who have these surface wounds, these little scars all over themselves rather than just one severe wound. These are the times they have been hurt over and over again in different ways, and though it may have not been as severe as one life-threatening wound, it still had a long impact and is memorable. Think about all these little scars and the blood that poured out of them. That’s a significant loss. It is these people who remember lots of the little things that hurt and bear little scars from all of the different events, but lumped together they are often as significant or more so than one severe wound.

You walk around today and see these scars that people bear. Often times they tell a life story. Look into the eyes of people around you; I mean, REALLY look into the eyes of those people. You won’t see someone who has it all together, but I can almost guarantee that almost every single person you come across you will see as broken in some way. You will be able to see their scars, whether one deep wound or several little ones. I know that the ones with the deep wounds are easier to recognize because they wear it out more openly than others do; they aren’t able to hide it as well. But we must not forget those ones who seem to be okay, the ones with the little wounds all over because they will be hurting just as much if not more so. It is easier for them to put on a façade that things are really okay when they are not.

These people are in a battle. We all are. And through this battle people suffer wounds and bear the scars as a result. It is only through the power of Christ that we will find healing. It is only when the Holy Spirit moves that we will be restored. It is only when we seek Him out completely broken that He can redeem His people. And though it’s extremely difficult to feel other people’s burdens and pains, I pray that you will. I pray that you will see other people through His eyes and see the scars they bear. I pray that you will allow yourself to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit to show the love of God and the healing He can bring through you. And I pray that though we are in this battle, you can look ahead and see the beauty He will bring as a result.

Isaiah 8:11-14: “The Lord spoke to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people. He said: ‘Do not call conspiracy everything these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary.”


Hebrews 11:8-10: "By faith-Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the Promised Land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God."

A stranger in the land that’s yet to be the promised one
Place my tent upon the rock
For He is surely to be higher than I
Cast away the comforts I hold so tightly in my hands

In a land unbeknownst to where I am
The call to go resonated deep within the soul
As to where and when, I count these things but loss
For my inheritance rests solely in the Lord

Chorus
You have called me to go so here I am
No matter what the cost, here I stand
For I know I am a stranger of this world

A heir to the promise so everlasting
I long for the heavenly kingdom to come
You are my God, this I hold dear to my heart
Prepare the way to the city of You

Expectation

I find myself wanting so much more in everything. In everything. In my life, other peoples, this campus, this world, I want Christ to fill it to the fullest so it is brimming over with Him. I am not satisfied; I know there is so much more to Him. And I pray He will pour out both the good and the bad, because I know from personal experience, my entire life in so many ways, how so much good can come from the bad. But we must go through the bad first, because it is there we are humbled and stripped away of the things we hold so dear, in order to develop the kind of faith without reward. And through those times we persist and don’t see the light, we trust in knowing that the light exists. It’s like the earth at night, we don’t see the light for it is night, but we know it exists on the other side and is soon to come. I see this right now in so many things. I see this with my family and with my friends and this campus and so many other things. We aren’t seeing the light because He is on the other side, and so we wait in the darkness anticipating the light. So often have I been in that darkness, in that time of waiting and anticipating, knowing He is to come. And while the darkness brings much unexpected and often difficult, the dawn arises and light pours forth exposing everything, and often exposes much beauty; think of sunrises that create skies of splendor and purple mountain majesties. I feel as if we are in the night. Christ's light is on the other side, but it exists. We must go through the night of unexpectedness in order to see the beauty of the morning. I really experienced this last night as I came back to campus. It was a route I had been on several times before yet I didn’t recognize anything and found myself intimidated and unsure, yet as this morning came, I know the light washed away those things. Though pain is radiating in many ways, I still find myself with much joy and reverence. Such is the road He is bringing me on that I must trust Him in, and I know that through this many blessings will be bestowed. It takes the acts of God in order to advance the Kingdom, and that will come, I am sure of it. And that is the road I want to be on.

Paralyzed

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to handle what I feel. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to move. I stand here paralyzed as I am so gripped by my Heavenly Father. Being in the secret place overwhelms me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can't handle it...I am moved beyond comprehension and I can't speak. He is so great and I am so small; yet His love grips me in a way I don't deserve and don't understand. I don't know what to do except stand still before Him and offer everything I am, everything I have, and everything I will be. And still it won't be enough to worship Him in accordance with what He deserves...I am paralyzed before my Lord for never have I been in this place before. I gasp for the living breath of life for I know He is the only thing I need, and oh, how I need and want so much of Him!