Abundance

This is a full season of life to say the least—and there are moments of reflection throughout. The times of longer reflection are fewer and further between, but God is so good to make those times of reflection substantial…what food for the soul they are, and how much reason they bring to give thanks and praise to my dear Lord!

Tonight I read one of my blogs from this time a year ago, and it really was truly amazing. It provided so much context for what the Lord has been doing in me this year.

The following is from my long typing conversation with Tine last week. We talked for 2.5 hours on Skype. It was a wonderful blessing of how to process—I was able to verbally with another, a needed thing in this season, but able to process through the written word. God blessed the time tremendously and really brought words and lessons forth. I thank Him for that. It was sweet to talk to her because I had to sum up what has happened in the larger part of the year. God has done much, and it is sweeter than it ever has been because this time, I am coming to understand for the first time that it is not dependent or contingent upon me.

It's been such a different year, in so many different ways. I would say the biggest theme is that God has shown me who He is and what He does apart from myself. There have been times I have had so little to give in the ways that I am used to with Him...such as being in the Bible, journaling, etc., but God has been teaching me what it looks like to quiet myself before Him in each moment, look to Him to sustain and provide, and then let Him do it. Nothing of what He does, both for me and for others and for Himself, depends on anything that I do. This is something that I've known head knowledge wise, but not really truly begun to understand until this year.

God is faithful apart from me. He is sovereign apart from me. His will will be done with or without me. All I need concern myself with is to be in His presence, look to Him to lead, and heed the quiet whisper and leading...

1 Kings 19: And he said, “Go out and stand on the mount before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore the mountains and broke in pieces the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper."

It's been a quiet year as to what is happening "outside of me" as far as what I am doing, but it has left this immense amount of room for God to work on my inner heart…

That the truths that I know, the truths that I have followed, would not be just what I know in my head and what I do, but rather rooted deep within the core of my being. That the actions I take would become instinct, a response, rather than a conscious point of action.

God, in His sweet tenderness, really has wooed me. There is so much more peace and quietness in my spirit, and it's only due to His grace. It's a good way to live.

I love this passage too-after Jeremiah 29:11, which everyone loves, but this is so crucial: Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

We so often look at just one side or the other: What is our responsibility? Or what does God do for us? Yet, it is an exchange—a relationship—living, breathing and active. It is not a set of rules we are to follow or something in which we seek God only for our own benefit.

Christine Watson: Yes. It's about the relationship that is formed. The day in and day out communion with him, not about what you do for him or what he does for you. All of those things come out of the relationship with him.

Exactly. I don't think I've really understood that until this year, but I'm finding that more and more. I've always been a person who has felt this sense of responsibility, especially in reciprocating what is done for me. And yes, I should reciprocate what God has done and does for me...but it needs to be a response and action out of love for Him, rather than a sense of responsibility.

And oh grace! How grace is given freely!

It's been a process this year too in learning and growing into one with John—much change there. It is amazing how much of a shift happens in an individual relationship with God as one prepares for marriage. Because, one, I can't necessarily process or understand everything as an individual. A lot of processing and learning is done through an active exchange with him! It's a very interesting thing. It is teaching me a lot about respect and submission. Another, when to speak and when not to speak. Though I may want to be heard on something, I don't necessarily need to be heard. My opinion doesn't always matter; I can just let him lead.

Marriage is amazing. But if I had to pick one word for it though, I would say it is humbling. It's humbling for many reasons...one, because you are definitely more aware of your own shortcomings when with another and vice versa, humbling in that a marriage depends on God being in the center of it for it to thrive. But mostly, humbling in that God desires to give a gift so great as to spend your life with another, through the ups and downs and all that life brings...and it is the ultimate reflection of the love Christ has for His church; an illusion of what we will experience in heaven. God has deemed marriage in His good purposes to benefit us most here on this earth for us to learn what we will one day experience.

…

My Lord, You are God. And there is no other. There is none like You.

I become overwhelmed when I am with You…overwhelmed by You and who You are. It is a good overwhelmed! You are faithful. Sovereign. Loving. Gracious. And so many more things. I love You. I love this life I get to live with You.

It is my prayer that as I have been given much, that I would give much in return. Lord, may I always offer myself back to You, and allow You to pour me out where You wish me to be. It is better that way. You know people’s needs far better than I do.

But Lord, more than anything, may I be yours. May I be a willing bondservant of You, the Lord Jesus Christ.

It will be good to come back to this tomorrow and hopefully structure it up a bit for a blog entry. May it be a testimony to You, dear Lord.

I’ve had this thought as well, and that is what You are doing in our lives currently generally is a preparation for what is to come. Lord, You will be working greatly! There is a reason for this season. Each season in itself is so purposeful, and it is amazing how it is also a foundation for what is to come.

Faithful, sovereign Lord, I love You so.

Brim

Brim about the rim.
Runneth over
Drip. Drip.
Parched thirst
Satisfying, linger
about this marsh of
reeds and water.
Somber, yet
Joy. Full, overwhelming
present thoughts future
dreams of today
tomorrow will bring
reflection. Reflection
in stillness. Silence
erases the lines of fracture--
disjointed thoughts hushed
in a whisper. Hope springs
eternal light shines
forth the way I…no, not just
I, but you with Him we
venture in need. Today
of each other forever
of a Savior. This, yes, this,
we sing. Overflow this
heart, this mind, yes,
everything…if it leave me
such
in greater need
of what
and Who
I alone
can never be.

Glory on Earth and Between Man

I’ve wanted to write this blog for a while now. I’ve been waiting for a time in which the words for it would come together more cohesively, but I may perhaps be stifling the message of what needs to be written. So, I simply come tonight, allowing the Lord to let the words flow as He would have them to.

I’m a little more than halfway through my engagement with John. I can’t even begin to describe how full this season has been and the lessons that have come in it. It has been pushing me into depths I have never experienced of myself, of John, and my relationship with the Lord.

Earlier this week, I read these lyrics I wrote almost exactly a year ago, and was amazed by the meaning within them in the current time.

You say I’m your daughter You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms

Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His

Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence I have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return

You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out

Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his

Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own

As I wrote this, I was reflecting a lot on how the men in my life and God in my life influence my perception greatly, and how God uses them. I was thinking about the simplicity and beauty of being Daddy’s little girl, and how I was grieving the loss of that at the time. But this resonated true: “With one hand You squeeze me tighter, and with the other You finally let go, and send me out.”

You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms

I remember writing this last stanza and knowing it was to be an eventual reality but unsure of what it really meant at the time. Yet now, a year later, I understand so much more now…it is a reality true of my relationships both with the Lord and John…

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, F54 but have not love, I gain nothing…Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

If I have not love for the Lord but have all these other things, than I am nothing. Love never ends; it stands for all eternity. That is what holds us captive to Him. As idols will fall away, so will knowledge, so will prophecy, so will tongues. Now we know in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away…now we see in a mirror dimly, but then we will see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known by Him.

Now as I know the Lord’s love in part through John, when the Lord returns or heaven comes, I will know His love fully. Now as I see a picture of who God is through John, one day I will see Him face to face. Now as I know in part, one day I shall know fully, as I have been fully known by Him throughout my entire life.

Oh, how much He is using this aspect of bringing John and I together as one not only as a blessing, but moreso, that we would know our God more…it is an overflow.

That is altogether breathtaking…

I am left with the thought of if what I am experiencing with John right now is an illusion of what is to come in Heaven, then the meaning of that is beyond all my human comprehension. It is like trying to create a word that means fuller than full; greater than infinite. It is beyond human description, and all I can do is just allude to it, drawing from the truth I know, like the apostle John does in Revelation 7:

“And after this, I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number…standing before the throne and before the lamb, from all tribes and all peoples and all languages, crying out with a loud voice...and all the angels and elders fell on their faces before the throne and worshipped God, saying ‘Amen! Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power might be to our God forever and ever! Amen….Therefore they are before the throne of God, and serve him day and night in his temple; and he who sits on the throne will shelter them with his presence. They shall hunger no more, neither thirst anymore; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes” (vs 9-12, 15-17).

[silence…]

How do we even begin to respond? At such a glory, power, wisdom that God possesses and we do not…at what He pours forth and provides…

May we too fall on our faces before the throne and live to worship Him alone.

We lay our Crowns

We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus

The greatness of
Your Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus

And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy
And we cry holy, holy, holy


Is the lamb.

© Chris Tomlin

That Merciful Would Be Your Name

This is based upon reflection of both myself and how I have been living lately and reflections upon the Haitian earthquake tragedy.

I see it through the hands
building a sandcastle
with the grains of sand
Hours upon hours spent
constructing on sturdy land
The sun slides down into bed
with it brings the high tide
in just a moment
a day’s work has washed by

We cry for mercy
left in the rubble’s wake
of what we build and trust to stand
comes down with a wave’s face
And we cry for mercy
seeing now what we pursue
empty and unfulfilled, barren
turning to face our need for You
And we cry for mercy
for Your hands to come and fill
Pure, steady, and able to sustain
In the midst of our pursuit of vain
And we cry to You
that Merciful would be Your name

I see it through the pictures
the clips on a film reel
Once was built of man
deemed strong and sturdy
now has come to fail
The whole broken to pieces
people left in the rubble’s wake
crying out for mercy
and wondering why You chose to shake

And we cry for mercy
left in the rubble’s wake
of what we build and trust to stand
comes down with a minute’s shake
And we cry for mercy
seeing now what we are without
broken and battered, hurting
turning to face our deepest doubts
And we cry for mercy
only to You, all who remains
Strong, steady, and without change
In the midst of our deepest pain
And we cry to You
that Merciful would be Your name.

Lost and Found

There’s a grief in the change
in the loss of the familiar
the steadiness and sureness of circumstance
in which I could comfortably reside.
The words that have been said
these last few years-prophecy true now.
Apparently I stand a woman, supposedly
strong and steady, ready
to face the world and all it brings.
It’s all changing. Reality shifting…
so much remaining unknown.
I’m no longer just myself—no,
for now I am fusing to another
within whom so much is found.
Yes. This is good. This is how
things ought to be—stretching,
challenging
yet full of blessing. There is
excitement in the prospect
or rather, the promise, of adventure
in seeking, following hard after
the Lord and His beauty.

Love, I look into your eyes
what I find reflects all.
There is comfort, security
hope and promise, uncertainty
for what I do not yet know.
There ultimately is the look of
unconditional love--
the presence of the Lord himself.

And now I walk into much unknown, held
by promises I know to be true.
Each day, dying a bit more, losing
more of myself…only to be found
within you and You...instead of one,
now I find myself within two. Smile, yes,
and I rejoice at what is to come. The Lord
is good and His love endures, certainly
with you this truth resounds. Yet,
in this moment, I grieve a little for what has been

lost

awaiting the promise for all that is to be found.

Breath

The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for "'In him we live and move and have our being..." Acts 17:24

Breath. Breathe. Deeply. In. Out. Repeat.

I underestimate the profundity of this simple act; this appearing simple thing.

It’s in those moments when I’m living far beyond my own means and strength, reminded of the need to breathe deep, that I remember the concept of breath. These past 10 weeks of school exemplified this. Never before have I been in relatively “ordinary” life circumstances that were as exacting as they were, requiring the necessity of relying solely upon the strength of my Lord. I was far beyond my personal limits, and outside of those bounds, I found something beautiful. It is the Lord’s rest and sustenance in chaos, the Lord’s strength indwelling.

It seemed with every breath this quarter I needed to take Him in…living in each moment and each day on the manna He provides. Each breath I took reminded me of my own human frailty and how, if I were to hold these circumstances on my own, they would all surely break. Each breath reminded me that He is infinitely greater to supply what I need. Each breath taught me that God is in the simple and seemingly mundane, and within it, He makes His name known.

Each breath I took reminded me that I am finite, and He is infinite.

Each breath I took displayed how I am the one in need, not Him. He lacks nothing.

Each breath taught me that nothing depends on me. He is omnipotent.

Each breath was a practice of living out a life that is nothing of myself, and all of Him.

And when it came to the end of the 10 weeks, there was a deep breath. There was not a collapse like there usually is-a collapse that comes as a result of me living on my own strength throughout the quarter and it being spent entirely. Rather, in the midst of some physical fatigue, my soul is refreshed and anew. I find myself at rest, within a peace I seldom know in these circumstances. I find myself in His arms, because somehow, I’m learning to remain there.

At the end of every quarter I like to take a drive to either someplace I haven’t been before or on a route I’ve never taken. I prefer the really off the beaten path routes so I can pull over at will and take photos. These trips soothe my soul, are a blissfully quiet time with God, and prove invaluable at helping me to see where I’ve been and where I’m going.

I planned Wednesday a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to have a long day away with the Lord when school was over, and Big Sur was tugging at my heart again.

And this time, I had never seen anything before quite like I did that day.

The Almighty God spoke creation into existence with a breath. Creation as seen through some of the following pictures, and my reflections upon them:


“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few” (Matthew 7:13-14).

There are times when it is difficult to find the straight and narrow on the midst of a wide road. Throughout this quarter, I have been attempting to understand the purpose of walking a different path than my peers, because sometimes it seems like the very things that I know God has me to do and the circumstances He has placed me in limits ministry. Normally I get frustrated with these facts; yet this time I tried to quietly ask and discern. Why am I only close with a few? I know part of that answer resides in my lack of pursuing others and establishing relationships with them, but I’ve come to understand another large part of it comes from the deep desire for my life and actions to minister to others deeply. I was not aware of any fruit coming of it until the last couple weeks. Within those, I had words spoken to me that reassured me of God’s purpose in where I am at and who I am. Somehow through me, God has ministered to others. I so desire deep authentic relationships with people, and I believe that is a fundamental way God has created me. With that comes a limit of how many people I can truly engage and deeply minister to. Yet, I find within me a passion for the few—if somehow, through my relationship with them, they can be deeply changed, then I believe that will ripple much further than more shallow interactions. It is as in the picture above…the narrow path leads to a tree of immense substance. I pray that I can be that “tree” in people’s lives-that through me, they see the Creator and Savior that loves them, and they are forever changed as a result.


The world is an incredibly vibrant one. There was a discussion in my environmental psychology class about the use of media to influence people’s perceptions of nature. There was a slideshow that showed professional photographs of nature settings (usually retouched) compared with photographs the average joe would take of nature. The argument my professor made about this was that when people are out in nature, they see nature in the ways shown like the photographs taken by the average joe, not the media’s depiction of it. He stated that we are too influenced by the media’s depiction of nature, and it creates a seeming reality that doesn’t really exist.

I cannot fully describe the passion that arose in me during that discussion. I wanted so much to counter argue against the average joe view. What is a world without inspiration? We surely can take things at face value, what we see on the surface, but oh, how much depth we lack at envisioning more! What of emotions, of passions, of dreams, of seeing the world through different eyes than looking at things casually?

As a photographer, I see a privilege to inspire. I see a privilege to depict creation, whether it be the natural or the human, to reflect the very glory of God within it. And that means with every photo I take and retouch, I am not attempting to deceive people of the true appearance of reality. I am attempting to get them to see beyond the surface and be inspired by the glory of God within it. I edit photos based on what I see. I’ll treat photos with black and white so we can see the beauty of created forms and the distinct values within it, a pair of simplicity and complexity. I’ll desaturate photos to have a hint of color to serve the purpose much like the black and white, but to also have a hint of the very thing possessing beautiful life. I’ll enhance the color, much like the photos above, to reflect the richness and pure emotion found in observing such a place or thing. The shallow depth of field I often use is to hone people’s eyes on one thing they may have not seen before…often looking at one thing leads to a greater comprehension and appreciation of the whole. I see this world in vibrant color, rich contrast, in simplicity and complexity, on multiple levels, and as a photographer I wish to enable people to see the world differently, deeply. Every piece is distinct and beautiful on its own but comprised of a much greater whole than we can ever comprehend.

We should dream and imagine. We should look and wonder. It is very likely we will come face to face with a reality that there is a Creator more glorious than we can ever comprehend. Photography serves this purpose-it does not hinder people as my professor suggested; it is not creating a superficial reality (with the exception of fashion…).



What is it to remain perfectly still, whether in the midst of calm circumstances like the looking glass of water with leaves under its surface, or to remain in place with surging water rushing over you? The times of complete and utter stillness are beautiful. You not only get to see things as they are, but you get to see even more reflected in those circumstances. The picture of the looking glass water is a dammed off section of a river, and it was right next to the rushing water. In the midst of a rushing river quarter, there were moments of complete stillness within it, and they were utterly beautiful. Those moments, much like this one right now, overwhelmed me with the greatness of God, His strength and grace. Through this quarter, somehow God taught me to remain still and intact with rushing water and circumstances all around me. I can say with confidence that I am the most at peace as I have been in a long time; perhaps ever. That peace has remained—resting on the promise that the Lord gives peace—but not as the world gives. The peace comes from the knowledge of who He is.

Oh, how I could go on forever and list His attributes, praising Him for who He is! Yet the greatest thing I gained from these times was the understanding that He is everything apart from anything I do and anything I am. He is not dependent upon me for anything; instead, He delights in our weakness because then He can display His full strength. He can make Himself fully known in any circumstance. Even in sitting by a window at LAX, His presence overwhelms…


And what does one gain from following after the Lord? It is a journey unparalled to any other. On my drive, I took a very rural county road through the forest that had a summit of about 3,000 feet. On one side was the vast forest, with trees immensely tall, lush vegetation, and crevices deep. On the other was the Pacific Ocean, more vast and grand than I had ever seen on land before. The horizon was not in the bottom quarter of my view as it usually is when I am on shore; here it was over half. How vast the ocean…seemingly infinite. There is such a deep resonator within my soul when I see the ocean in these ways, as it reminds me of my deep and vast passions. The beauty of this view was the open gate before me with a trail down the hill for a better vantage point. As with this pre-established path…

I know the Lord has gone before me. It is with that confidence that I walk into so many unknowns with a changing reality before me…six months of college left, and married within two weeks of college ending. The roads and paths have already been determined, the Lord has walked before me in them all, and there is such an excitement about venturing into the unknown. The Lord is there.

I am reminded of this on these mini-adventures I take. This route I took this particular day on the surface was honestly pretty sketch, but it was so worth the seeming apparent risk. The Lord was fully there as always, and He was gracious to reveal Himself and immense beauty that took my breath away.

It is worth the “risk” to follow hard after Him, to faithfully pursue the passions He has given and to use them all for His glory.



And sight after sight, panorama after panorama, brings life to my soul and a reminder of the very reason I breathe, and the source and reason for my existence.

He has filled up these dry bones of mine with breath. The very act of constant breathing to sustain my existence reminds me of my Almighty Creator who is able to sustain me with just one breath of His own. It is effortless to Him. I am reminded of my great need for Him, and it is a joyful thing to be with One beyond yourself. It is an adventure unlike any other.

And all of this profundity comes back to a single thing—the heights and depths, the width and breadth, the strength and grace, mercy and love, all found in perfect existence within my Creator—

It all takes my breath away.

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! -Psalm 150:6

Busy[still]ness

There are these beautiful pockets of still within busyness, such as tonight. It is 2 a.m. and I am still up. I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of this still, cold night and the immensity of God's presence. I find myself strangely refreshed in the midst of physical exhaustion. The Lord is surely with me in all things; all that I am and do is a testament of Him alone.

I am incredibly at peace...a peace that surpasses all understanding. The Lord is merciful, gracious, mighty, loving, and strong to save. He is incredibly good.

Empty but Filled

Having seemingly nothing
yet everything to give
waking this weary heart
full of vibrancy to live
wanting to simply get through
no, but to be soberly alive
You always win in this chasm
between You and I

Wanting to do all
but nothing will I earn
Hoping to gain my reward
yet one I do not deserve
In pressing onward, forward
may in surrender myself I find
Your mercy is always enough
and within Your arms I will lie

Hungry I come
I am empty but filled
Longing for Your presence
but within You still
Fully unaware
yet amazingly aware too
I lift up these tired eyes
and look only to You.

Redemption Revealed

It is painful to revisit difficult times in your life. They are usually times that are so vivid in your mind and heart that every effort has been made to dull it and push it aside. It’s part of our coping mechanism to move forward.

But so much beauty often comes out of pain…and often in the least expected ways.

When I am journaling, I have the habit of often looking back to journal entries of the same week a year ago. I find that similar time frames within a year offer a great framework to gain an easy perspective on things over time.

This week and the next two weeks of last year are three weeks of my life that I seldom wish to remember or especially revisit. But, it’s been that time to do so.

And tonight, I find myself in utter streams of tears of humbleness and thankfulness for God’s redemption…

In response to what was going on a year ago now, I wrote these words then:
I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
makes me wonder just how and when
this broken world before us
left standing in the glass that shattered
can finally allow the redemption within

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
gives me hope and makes me wonder
when this broken world that lays at my feet
and my heart that lies within
can be bound up and healed

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
is what carries me through
in my hope in a God who redeems
Because though the world is broken and shattered
it’s not what it was intended to be
and what carries me through
is my hope in a God who redeems
The pictures of beauty that I see
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
I see these glimpses of glory

These were God-given words in a time where my heart ached and longed to cry out to Him, desperately trying to cling to the hope that He redeems. I remember singing this alone, in my car, over and over again…expressing the cry of my heart, the desire for hope in a time where hope no longer made sense. And these words resounded as not only a chorus from my mouth, but in my head and heart over that time of some deep lows.

I see these glimpses of glory, little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness. The picture of beauty that I see, is what carries me through, in my hope in a God who redeems

There were times in which I needed tangible reassurance from God in that He redeems. He granted those through small glimpses of glory and fractures of light on the edge of brokenness, helping me to see a picture of beauty that would carry me through in the hope that He redeems.

Because though the world is broken and shattered, it’s not what it was intended to be

We live in a broken world. Every day. It was especially poignant to me at that time in my life.

and what carries me through, is my hope in a God who redeems, The pictures of beauty that I see, little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness, I see these glimpses of glory.

Yet, what carried me through was my hope in a God who redeems. I saw pictures of beauty, fractures of light in the midst of brokenness, all revealing glimpses of glory.

And oh. How he REDEEMS.

Never, oh, never shall we doubt or lack faith, even when we cannot see…His glory will always be revealed.

The process can be seemingly unbearingly painful…

But it yields something of God’s hand, not our own, which is utterly and unbelievably




beautiful.

Daily Bread

"Two things I ask of you, O Lord;
do not refuse me before I die:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
give me neither poverty nor riches,
but give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you
and say, 'Who is the Lord?'
Or I may become poor and steal,
and so dishonor the name of my God."
-Proverbs 30:7-9

Remembering the Waiting

My mental capacity has been stretched to the max lately, leaving me little room to write anything that would be of merit here. What I can say right now, however, is that I am continually being reminded and taught of God's grace, sovereignty, and provision. He is so good to go before us in all things, and so good to make Himself known.

I was reading my journal entries from around this time last year tonight, and was struck by this one. This entry seems to capture so much of the season that last year was, and provides a wonderful perspective to how faithful God has been to bring me where I am in the here and now. He is my hope, joy, and delight. He is my right hand, my rock upon which I stand.

I pray that in some way this bring encouragement to those who read it...the waiting season is often difficult, hard, and sometimes painful, as this journal entry reflects. Yet, I can testify that God does bring us through it, and all in His perfect time. He is fully sovereign, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

10/25/08

Dear Lord,

I have been reading through journal entries from this summer this morning. I’ve only gotten to the beginning of August today, but there is so much in just that month and a half I have read.

Lord, You know how You convicted me last night that I needed to do this, and how I really didn’t want to. As I’m here now, it’s definitely been uncomfortable to some extent, but it has been opening up my eyes in a way they need to be. Lord, I don’t have any answers or conclusions from reading this, more just thoughts from it.

Am I really that girl of the writing that I was reading? The one who has an intimate relationship with You that is beautiful?

Who am I now? Who am I now in light of this summer? I don’t really know, just that my heart is tired, and I’m not exactly sure why. This summer “waiting” was a resonating theme, and that was to wait unconditionally for as long as I needed to. It was that the wait could often be difficult and painful, but in it I come to know You more, Your heart more.

And Lord, I think that’s what I have forgotten over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been emotionally drained and have been unable to find hope and joy in the midst of circumstance; something You taught me well over the summer. Life is hard. But You are still my right hand, my rock upon which I stand. You are unchanging in the midst of so much changing circumstance.

You know me. You know every part of me, even all the intricacies and confusion of where my heart is now.

Lord, I don’t know where I am or what I am to do hardly at all right now. But if there was one specific thing that really stood out to me in this morning’s readings, it’s that I can’t despair in these times and take things into my own hands. When there is a lack of physical manifestation, it doesn’t necessarily mean that things aren’t where they should be at.

I don’t know if things are where they should be at right now, but I do know that I have nothing to really give or bring to You; I’ve just been having to rest in You alone.

People have said that my faith and relationship with God is inspiring to them and gives them hope. And as I read my own journal entries this morning, I felt as if I were reading them from the outside. They were amazing…they really were.

Maybe I am to be inspired by my own faith and my own relationship with God once again.

I see this season lasting at least a little longer.

But may I find my hope, my joy, and my delight in You once again. That is surely enough to stand upon and wait.

Evening Prayer

Dear Lord Jesus, precious Savior
Would You carry me to Daddy’s arms now?
I’m weary and needy, broken and empty
and I need everything his love is about
Need to run and escape this world a while
and its burdens that constantly weigh me down
Help me to rest a while tonight…

Dear Lord Jesus, precious Savior
Would You continue to walk by my side?
I’m stubborn and defiant, independent and not reliant
on the very bread and water You bring
Need to receive and consume what I need
to walk down this road and learn what it means
Help me to return to your side…

Daddy, Father God
Would You lift these burdens outright?
I’m fighting to survive, trying to stay alive
under the pressures of the world I feel bound
Need to sit and remember Your love
and Your freedom which breaks all chains around me now
Help me to find your light…

Daddy, Father God
Would You cradle me a while?
I’m tired and weak, slumping and defeated
because of my own flesh on which I rely
Need to relax and close my eyes
within Your arms your peace will always satisfy
Help me to rest a while tonight…

Journey Chasm

I look at the cars passing by
they seem to fly and I don’t know why
I try to keep up with these long legs of mine
Oh, stop and go, proceed straight ahead
turn right and then left and then right again
wonder when and where and what
is going to come along this way
on this road I’ve long awaited for

“My little girl, open your eyes
see the world’s promise and its empty lies
But look at Me, I give you an oath you will find
abundance and joy beyond what you know now
wonder why and when and how
you’ve received this gift--
It’s because I love you enough.

Heavenly Father, carry me now
sooner or later where I run I will fall down
I’m not meant for walking on my own
Oh wings of mercy, arms of love
swoop down and around and up again
cradle, carry, caress and comfort me
It’s on Your wings I desire to fly
along this road I’ve long awaited for

The journey’s better through Your eyes.

But First...

I'm taking in the immensity of the moment

“But first…”
These are two words I will probably remember forever. They are associated with two pretty special things that happened last Tuesday. John and I celebrated our three-year anniversary and at the end of that day, he decided to propose to me. “But first” came right after the ring box came out, and before I opened it, John said it because he gave me my (and our) first kiss. He had promised long ago that he would kiss me before we were engaged, and he made good on that promise. The whole day and especially that evening was glorious, and I will remember it forever. However, I write now because I am coming to see just how significant the statement “but first” is and has been in our relationship and lives.

I wrote about two months ago about the season of “but not yet” which came at the end of waiting. I find it interesting this season begins with the statement of “but first,” symbolizing the end of waiting in so many ways. And as the end of waiting has come, I’ve seen God reveal so many beautiful things that only the waiting season could’ve brought…

I wrote a year ago this time:
Hebrews 6 talks about the progress of moving from an elementary to mature faith. We are to remember the doctrine we have been taught, and the goodness of God which we have tasted thus far, and yet still press on. It refers to promises such as those that God promised to Abraham, and what it means to inherit those. We are to be sure of better things (vs 9) and be earnest in holding fast and fully to the hope we have until the end (vs 11), because then we are imitators of those who have come before and inherited the promises God has spoken. We are to be like Abraham and patiently wait for said promises. We are to have faith, not in something as finite as ourselves and the works of our feeble hands, but in Someone infinite. Someone greater than ourselves (vs 16). We so often want confirmation for what we hope for. Often times we wait and hope without seeing tangible fruit of said thing, but in His own promises, God gives us an oath sworn by his unchangeable self, that we may hold fast to the hope we have before us (vs 17-18). The oath that God has sworn by Himself is the surest and most steadfast anchor, as Jesus is the One binding the Covenant between ourselves and God. He is the forerunner on our behalf, our priest in the inner courts (vs 19-20), and through salvation in Him, we are able to receive all the Father has promised.

Two days before we were engaged, I was reflecting on this verse in Ecclesiastes. It is amazing in how appropriate it was, though at the time it frustrated me a bit. God is so thorough in all his reminders:
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him. Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death. As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it” (Ecc 8:5-8).

Two days before we were engaged, in trying to remain content in the waiting especially with having John back, God brought me to this prayer:
Lord, the peace that was so abounding in the time John and I were apart…I ask that I find it even more abounding now. I need that incredibly so. That I may rest in You until our time comes, finding joy and peace in the meantime, and rejoicing when the waiting does come to an end. You will sustain, my Lord. You have and continue to, and will continue to carry me through now.

It has been a long time of resting in the Lord and His timing, learning to grow content in waiting. In that time, God has taught me and I have slowly learned what it is to find joy and peace in the meantime. And as a result, now I rejoice and am humbly thankful that waiting, at least in one degree, has come to an end.

God has revealed beautiful things and truth. He has shown Himself incredibly faithful and good in the waiting…a waiting that seems to have the theme of “but first.”

“But first…” learn patience. John and I started dating three years ago, and have known each other very well for four. We knew from the beginning that we had to wait until we graduated to get married due to our parent’s wishes. At the beginning, four years of waiting appeared very daunting. In the process, it has seemed incredibly long at times. Due to the necessity of pacing things, things have moved very slowly in many ways. It has been a process I have wrestled with tremendously at times because I tend to be a person concerned with forward-moving progress in life. It hasn’t been just in my relationship with John but also in other areas where the necessity of learning patience has been key. I needed to embrace the heart of Abraham, patiently waiting for said promises, and have the faith that God would fulfill in His own timing. Yet, “better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” (Ecc. 7:8). Better is the waiting for it develops character in which fruit of the spirit is displayed; one of which being patience.

“But first…” choose holiness. “ For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor... For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness” (1 Thess 4:3-4, 7). God has put it on our hearts since the beginning of dating the priority of holiness. It has been a difficult path to constantly choose God’s ways and not the world’s example in our relationship, seeking out first Him and the priority of holiness in all that we did and do. In the areas where we have failed in that, God has carried and sustained. I know for me personally, there were so many times where I wanted more from our relationship than what was being manifested at the time, whether that be in the time we spent together, the type of time, physical touch, promises for the future, etc. There were a lot of choices made and lots of circumstances dictated by God to prevent that. In many ways over the last four years, we led very individual lives, each doing our own thing in school, ministry, friends, etc. It was hard to “date” and not do it by the world’s standards, which typically involves exclusivity in many different ways. Yet, the time was used by God to refine us individually for Him and for one another, that we may bear more fruit together than apart. There were different things God had in our lives for each of us to do and especially to learn, and God cares far more about our holiness and relationship with Him above all else. By the blessing of God, John and I dated over these last three years to constantly spur and push one another on towards Christ, while growing in our understanding and love for one another. John, by the grace and power of God, has been an incredibly faithful leader in seeking out the priority of holiness, and I am so thankful for it. It has been an incredible blessing now to see the foundation that the priority of holiness has laid for the beginning of the rest of our lives together: God has done things in this pursuit that we never could’ve done ourselves. It is a blessing to now run forward together, with no baggage of the past as redeemed by the Lord, and trusting in His promise for the present and future.

“But first…” walk blindly by faith. Over the course of our relationship, there have been many times of fog on both of our parts. This fog changed our perception of the way things truly were/are, causing disorientation and making it difficult to press onward. There have been times when each of us has been stripped of joy, battling to gain hope while the other was left somewhat in the “wake” of it, the only thing he/she could do was to pray. There have been times where our communication broke down and we were missing each other’s meanings and hearts left and right, whether it be by difficulty of listening or by speaking. There was a time where we were brought to the breaking point of our relationship. There have been times over and over again where we didn’t have the answers that we hoped we could have. In all of these times, God had us to walk blindly by faith. John and I had to hold fast to the fact that He had given us the blessing of the relationship and desired it in both of our lives, even when it was incredibly difficult. In these times, we had to press onward in the fog that disoriented our perception and trust that it would one day lift. Now, the fog that has existed in the past has cleared fully, and it is breathtakingly beautiful…it is incredibly humbling to see what has always been growing and developing behind the veil of the past. It is incredibly humbling to see God to be who He says He is: the same in the past (yesterday), present (today), and future (Hebrews 13:8).

“But first…” Steadfastly trust. In any aspect of life, there is a necessity to steadfastly trust the Lord’s will, character, and dealings in all things. A relationship involving two people magnifies this fact. There is the aspect of trusting that being patient is worth it, choosing holiness is of utmost importance, and that walking blindly by faith will carry one through. Yet, there is another aspect altogether of what it is to steadfastly trust the Lord with one’s own heart…so often we as human beings give our hearts prematurely to someone or something that is unable to carry it, when in that time it needs to reside fully in the Lord. I am guilty of this. When I first started dating John, I really gave him my whole heart and emotional self in many ways, and it led to difficulty down the road. Emotion, pain, and difficulty was attributed to him or to our relationship rather than to the fact my heart was not where it should’ve been residing. I did not “guard my heart above all else” and “treat it as the wellspring of life.” I gave my heart fully and fast. I expected things of John long before they ever had the potential of coming to be, and my heart suffered as a result. There has been a healing process on my part in the last year of our relationship to learn to put my heart in the Lord first and foremost. This allows John to pursue it, the Lord to care for and nurture it. Part of the healing process has been learning to one, steadfastly trust the Lord in that He knows what is best for my heart, and two, trusting John as he pursues my heart, understanding that the Lord is equipping him to do so. I have taken an attitude of skepticism in the past with John in an effort to guard my heart. That is something that is just very recently beginning to be remedied. In all of the questions I have asked of John and of God in the course of our relationship, it has come back to a lack of trusting so many times. Two nights before John and I got engaged, I finally did not ask the same questions for the first time. Our engagement has brought much light on these questions, and I have been incredibly humbled to see the Lord’s hand in each and every one of those. There was no need for me to fear or worry; just a need for me to steadfastly trust.

“But first…” Contentedly wait. This in many ways is a combination of all of the things described above. The verse of Habakkuk 2:3 describes it well: “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” In retrospect after three years of dating waiting on engagement, the times that seemed so long then do not now. It has had its appointed time. Just having 9 months until we get married seems pretty fast compared to the rest of it. God has brought it about faithfully. In all things difficult to wait on, when we are stuck in the meantime, it is good for the flesh to surrender to the Spirit and learn how to contentedly wait.

“But now…” Delightfully rejoice. What I rejoice in the most right now, at this time of engagement and looking back at our relationship, is that God has revealed Himself in such great and amazing ways. I delightfully rejoice that the Lord of my heart, found it good to give it to another in John. I delightfully rejoice that we may be one under His covenant of marriage. I delightfully rejoice in what this beginning will bring in teaching us of the beautiful picture of Christ and His bride. I delightfully rejoice in knowing that as we have seen God’s faithfulness, provision, and hand in the past, so we will in the present and future.

With the ring I have received from John as a symbol and God’s giving of me to a man surrendered to and following after Him, I pray that may it remain His alone to use, have, and hold. And with this, I desire to offer the blessing I have received back to the Giver of it. I am greatly humbled.

Patient in Spirit

“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” (Ecclesiastes 7:8)

It is amazing how “difficult” seeing the simple things can be.

It requires effort on our part to get to a place where we can see things in their true light. Yet, it also requires us being still in order that we may see things as they are.

Elise T. and I had a roommate date day today. I have a bucket list that I made in the spring of things I want to do before I graduate and leave SLO. One of those was kayaking. I had thought about ocean kayaking, but we decided to rent our equipment from the shop on campus and go to a lake instead. So, we shelled out a whopping $15 to rent a double kayak, life vests, and paddles, and proceeded to carry our equipment and massive kayak to my car in the parking lot a few hundred yards away.

We got it to my car and then had to proceed to figure out how we were going to attach it. I brought along my car top bag that has a foam side to it to protect the surface of my roof. Then, my antenna was sticking up the back. We flipped over the kayak over the antenna. I bought ratchet tie-downs at Home Depot before we left. Slowly but surely, we figured out how to work them and then fastened three of them, one on the back, and two across the middle diagonally. After stopping by John’s briefly, we set off to drive up the grade (a 1,000+ feet hill between SLO and Atascadero). In the first couple of minutes of driving around 60 mph, Elise and I had doubts about how well the kayak would hold, as the wind was lifting it up pretty well in the front and it was making its way backwards on my car. We made the good judgment to pull off on a side road to assess the situation. We ended up adding a last ratchet tie down on the front of my car with the front of the kayak and the tow hook under the bumper. Turns out, that part is kind of key to keeping a kayak on a car, who would’ve thought? We then proceeded up the grade much more successfully than we would’ve a couple minutes prior. I had visions of texts in my head stating, “John, can you help us? Our kayak flew off on the 101 and it kinda caused an accident…and now we can’t find it…” Thankfully, there were no texts needed of that nature!

We arrived at Santa Margarita Lake after a short but beautiful drive through the countryside with its golden blades of grass. We stopped to pay our park fee, talking to the ranger about kayaking as well. We acted like we knew what we were doing though we didn’t really. He extended us grace and gave us directions to the launching dock. We got there and unloaded the kayak, all of the equipment, and our packed lunch for the afternoon. Hardly anyone was in sight on the lake. After tying down our equipment, we started off in paddling to the cove on the far west side, stroking in-line with each other and making our way quickly. The water was perfect, the clouds were puffy and happy, and egrets abounded in number, stroking gracefully across the water and soaring through the air. Elise and I decided quickly that this was bliss.

After about 30 minutes of paddling, we arrived on the far shore, breaking up a duck party, and pulled our kayak on shore. We laid a towel down and proceeded to eat lunch and talking in the meantime. There is such a joy found in conversation that is free, unhindered, and edifying. We sat on the shore for over an hour talking and enjoying the absolutely perfect ~80 degree sunny day. The self-timer needed to make its appearance, so it did before we made our way back.

On our way to lunch we paddled against the current so we were with the current on the way back. As being on the water is blissful, Elise and I decided to alternate floating and paddling. Here and there, we directed ourselves towards our destination, avoiding the sweeping currents where we did not want to go. After a while we finally reached a point in the water where we could allow the current to float us back to the dock. It was still quite a ways away, however.

There were times in that floating where it was tempting to pick up the paddles again and paddle a little bit more, rather than being still and trusting the current to carry us. Yet, we refrained, and we found in time, we were being carried further than we imagined. I noticed that our observation of our moving depends on our reference point. If we looked at something further away from us, it didn’t seem like we were moving at all. However, if we looked at what was right in front of us, we then could see movement, slowly but surely, as our reference point would continue to shift. We watched the birds soar, others swim along the surface and plummet underneath in a search for fish; we saw a group of deer on a meadow bank enjoying the pickings of grass they were finding, oblivious to us existing. It was a calm seldom reached. It was a place in which we were fully still and the world thrived around us; it did not deter due to our actions and interrupting of its environment. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

I do not know how long we floated, but the current was faithful to carry us back to the dock rather quickly. We dismounted, dried off for a bit, then reloaded the equipment once again. The tying down of the kayak this time around went without a hitch from our trial and error the first time. The drive down was beautiful, and we proceeded to enjoy a great evening together.

It’s times like today where I hear and see clearly God speaking to my heart and soul. It was such a beautiful reminder of how my perception of time is flawed. God’s been teaching me a lot about seeing what is in front of me and enjoying the blessing of the moment. Today was a reminder of how when I look to what is far out, I may get an idea of the destination, but I lose conception of the progress in the current; I must look to what is in front of me to understand that. It was a reminder of how when I am still, God is faithful to carry and lead me, and it is much more fruitful than when I do the paddling. When I am still, I see things in the right light; I see things for how they are, and I am then struck by their true condition. Today was beautiful.

Today was a lesson in co-laboring. Elise and I went much further together than we would’ve separately, and we were able to pick up the slack for each other as needed. Even more so, it was a lesson in co-laboring with God. He puts things in our path for us to do and experience in order that we may come to know Him more. Elise and I had to paddle to the far shore, against the current, in order to have the blessing of floating with it in stillness on the way back, drinking in the revelation that existed around us if we were still enough to see it. There is such a joy in co-laboring.

I write this tonight with tired eyes, very sore arms, but a revived and renewed spirit. The practicalities of today required a lot of “difficult” things, a lot of doing and learning things ourselves by the grace of God. We could’ve gone to Morro Bay or Avila and had a kayak company put us in the water for an hour. Yet, there, we would’ve missed out on the full experience. There is sacrifice required on our parts to experience the fullness of God. It is not always easy, often not easy, but it is duly rewarded. Often times what we are looking for is already there…God just ordains our circumstances to help us to see it. We look so long and hard and far for His presence when we forget the fact that He is forever omnipresent. We blind ourselves by how we choose to see and deal with our own circumstances. We don’t want to fight against the current for a later reward; and we also think we should paddle when we probably should float and be still. We slough off the key characteristics of a Spirit-filled life and wonder why still we don’t receive. We ask the same kind of questions, subconsciously making God our master, rather than being of a humble heart submissively ready to receive whatever He may bestow. We forget the beauty of our Sovereign God…immutable in every way, even in what we perceive to be constantly changing circumstances. He is our provider of peace.

Seeing the simple things can be “difficult” because we are not doing our part to get to a place where we can see things in their true light. We may not also not be still in the way that we may see things as they are…

“With patient mind thy course of duty run; God nothing does, nor suffers to be done,But thou wouldst do thyself, couldst thou but see The end of all events, as well as He.” –Dr. Byron, commentary on Ecclesiastes 7:8

Turn

The corners of my lips turn
a blessedly contentment occurs
I look to the sun and find
a path that intertwines
with what has been
and what is now
a stillness of the soul
only waves can bring about
I close my eyes and
happily sigh

The corners of my heart turn
a desire to praise occurs
I look to the Son and find
a path that intertwines
with who He’s been
and who He remains now
A bedrock anchor
waves can’t turn about
I lift my hands and
raise to stand

The corners of my life turn
A walking onward occurs
I look to the Father and find
a path that intertwines
with His mercy then
and His love now
A pursuit of my heart
waves could dance around
I pick up my feet and
walk to meet

Always
onward
to the One who loves me

Flies of the Mind

“Strange place, this soul of mine…and I think, it is more place than person. It rings with whatever enters, be it high thoughts of the seated Christ or idle rhymes from any poet. The soul does not seem to mind what it is occupied with, but only cares that it be kept occupied. It is passive as to choice. I choose, my soul responds, with ringing laughter, emotional incitement, or pure worship. It is a tool, not a craftsman, and must be controlled. It is as amoral as a bed, yet beds can become instruments of illegitimate activity. Son of God, purger of the inner parts, discerner of my sittings down, my risings, wilt Though Hallow this soul of mine? The choice is mine, You say? Ah, yes, the choice is mine.” -Jim Elliot, April 14, 1948

This was the last passage I read before going to sleep last night, and it resounded deeply within me. In a week of moving into a new apartment, there have been all kinds of things peppering about my head and therefore my heart too; many of them practical but worldly things. I have noticed my mind swirling with these thoughts and have been fighting rather unsuccessfully to get them back to an eternal perspective.

This week exemplifies a key character trait I have, and that is that I can be very task oriented and efficient. I am of the mind that I like to have things completed so I can be done move onto something else. However, that is growing more and more impractical the older I get. Once something gets done, it’s as if three more things take its place. There will always be things to do and things to think about. The real discipline lies in being able to train the mind to be efficient and to think in an eternal perspective constantly. There are certain “obligations” and “responsibilities” of this world, but I need not be governed by them-only by Christ alone. As He is my source, He will give me the means to complete what lies before me, but only by His means and His time. I need look to Him.

As we are having the annual beginning of September heat wave this week, I decided to go to the beach this morning to get away from “responsibilities” and focus before the Lord. It was a beautiful day at the beach-perfect tanning weather while reading. However, after about 5 minutes of being there, I forgot what I always seem to forget: when the beach is hot, the flies are out in massive numbers, and they just love to land on people, at least me apparently. As I was trying to relax and focus, I was immensely distracted by every tactile sensation by every fly landing and going in various places all over my body. It started really frustrating me. But then, I decided to pray and see what the Lord might have to teach me in it.

It seems my thoughts have resembled these flies lately: abounding in number, little in substance, and uncommitted ponderings. This is what I have subjected myself to lately. I’ve gone away with the flies in my thinking. What I needed to learn to do today was to be so focused in just one thing-reading and journaling, that the flies wouldn’t even phase me.

As I was journaling some of these thoughts, a man and woman walked by and the woman picked up something by my chair and gave it to me. It was a whole sand dollar. I was struck by it because I have never found a whole sand dollar on the SLO coast before. It seems they always break. As the picture above shows, this sand dollar is beautiful; whole and durable. It is unlike any other fragments I’ve ever found, but in reality, the fragments cannot be compared to a whole. This sand dollar made such an impression upon me because of its wholeness and its purity. It hadn’t been broken down and scattered about. It provided a beautiful picture to me as to what my mind should look like. My mind needs to be whole and not fragmented. It needs to be rare, a treasure that is ruled and governed by the Lord so that people who come into contact with it see the Lord fully in it. It needs to be the Lord’s tool, not my own.

My mind has such potential to be used for great things-but there is a discipline on my part to allow it to be so. I need not fill it up with things that hardly matter, and I need to be discerning in what I allow to reside within. As Jim Elliot says, “the choice is mine.”

There is such a necessity to learn this here and now as I grow up more. Life will continue to be and get busier with more and more possible thoughts and obligations. It is now that it must be refined to a tool that can serve a good purpose. My first practical step was buying a little moleskin like notebook today. My hope is that when I do have thoughts, particularly of things to remember, I will have the notebook with me and write them down as soon as I can. Then, once they are on paper, I can purge them from my thoughts until I need it again. I try to remember too much in my head. I want to think about other things. I’m weary of thinking about things that will eventually fade, and fade sooner rather than later. I want to spend my days thinking and concerning myself chiefly with my sole delight, my Dear Lord, from which all good things flow. What I fill myself up with will overflow, and it is my desire that I not be known by my tasks or what I do, but by a life surrendered and governed by the Lord Himself.

Your Love is More than Enough

Nothing can be something
and something everything with You
for You take this heart of mine
and possessions so few
Multiply it with Your love
and cleanse it all the way through
Would You take these hands of mine
and glorify You fully true

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Lord, Your love is better than life
this I know, yes I do
Honey on my tongue
sweetness to speak back to You
Where my heart once ran dry
Living waters have come through
I awake in the morning
to be refreshed by Your morning dew

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Your love...
Your love...
my dear Jesus.
You are more than enough.