(Sur[real)ity]

I’m not sure why I am writing on a night in which my brain is fried (for a multitude of reasons), but perhaps it gets it out of the way to allow my heart to do the speaking instead.

This morning I got an email from the Art Department informing me (and all the other art students) that I needed to complete my annual advising, filling out a contract for the next 5 quarters of the classes I plan on taking. I’ve done this the past 2 years, and so it’s been familiar.
However, as I opened it this morning, it took me by surprise. It listed the next 5 quarters, as always, but the last quarter listed was the Spring of 2010, which is also my time of graduation.

That occurrence brought a new, stark reality to life—that graduation is actually, for the first time, in sight. It coupled with the fact that time has been flying by in a brazen, somewhat frenzied pace lately, and time seems to continue to speed up.

I’ve had a few discussions with friends of mine about the fact that our entire lives, up to this point, have consisted of only faint views of adulthood and what it looks like. It was always the prospect of the future, but one far off, intangible, and one that seems like it will never come. Yet, now, for the first time in our lives, it is no longer a prospect, but now a reality. And it’s the reality for the rest of our lives.

The days of innocence and carefree bliss that we associate with childhood are passing. Our eyes are coming into a truer view of this broken world, and we wonder and ponder what God’s role for us in it is. The aspect of going home one day to our Father is more and more enticing—perhaps, because there, we could avoid the realities that are seeming to plummet upon us.

I’m not trying to make this out to be a bad thing. Because it’s not, really. We are to move on from the elementary ways and onto the mature, and that is good. Even though we want to be Peter Pan and never grow up, growing up is good. It means many of the long held, highly regarded dreams of our youth can come into fruition now. Just about every girl has long dreamed of her wedding day and walking down the aisle to her groom. Just about every girl “couldn’t wait” to have kids of her own, even if she was 8 at the time. I know boys have dreams of this nature, though their content I do not know. I think we are coming to understand that though life isn’t the fairy tale we always dreamed it would be, in slow motion and with beautiful panning shots and a vignette blur around the edges, we understand that God has a far better story written. We’ve been walking in it from day one of our lives, but now just seems more real and tangible, because now, these things can actually happen, and are happening to those we know.

But I’ve had a strange occurrence in the midst of this stark reality…and that’s that life seems surreal to me. It doesn’t feel like I am fully here. My appetite for things is changing to some degree. I’m longing more and more the presence of my Lord rather than the blessings He’s given on this earth. It’s surely a lot of prayer answered, as I used to struggle otherwise. But it reminds me ever so, that this life, is transitory. That though, God manifests Himself tremendously on this earth, there still must be more than this.

A passage from the book The Shack talked about Heaven, stating “our final destiny is not the picture of Heaven that we have stuck in our heads, the image of pearly gates and gold stuff; instead, it’s a new cleansing of the universe” (pg 177).

Whatever Heaven may be, I do not know, but I eagerly await. This earth that I reside on now is my lot that God has cast. I attempt to embrace it wholeheartedly, as I am coming to understand that not just this present reality and the lessons with it, but also all of the future ones as well, are just preparation for that day I return home. As for now, may I become more and more like my Savior, resemble the image of my Creator, and live by the Holy Spirit indwelling within.

Male and Female

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27).

I've been thinking about a book I read lately that has an important truth to be remembered. It refers to the above verse and talks about how male and female were created in God's image. With that being said, each gender bears specific attributes of God that the other does not. God is a multifaceted being and has not limited a resemblance of himself in one part of his Creation.

That being said, in seeking to know and understand not just ourselves and our own gender characteristics, but also those of the opposite gender, we should consider it a blessing to enter in and understand attributes of God that we do not possess. When we journey into understanding the opposite gender, we also journey into understanding aspects of God that we may hear of, but do not necessarily understand.

Though it's complex and difficult, it is good, because there's much more purpose than just trying to understand the opposite gender. The creation of male and female is yet another example of a providence given by God on this earth to journey to understand the divine mysteries of Him Himself. That is purposeful and good, and surely worth journeying on.

With Me Tonight

I see you across the dance floor in the corner of the room
your presence catches my attention
Standing there seemingly watching me with your gaze
I can’t help myself, I fidget a little as I don’t know what to do
Wondering what you’re thinking as you watch me the way you do
And I wonder if you’ve come to be with me tonight

Even across the room I look into your eyes
It’s a familiar gaze I’ve looked into before
and I see one I seem to know so well
But with your advance I find my heart quickens
As there’s still a mystery I seldom know
And I wonder if you’ve come to be with me tonight

Are you going to dance with me?
Are you going to be with me tonight?
I want you to know the rhythm of my heart
and know the joy I have inside
Seems like I am seldom, hardly known
for who I wanna be in your eyes
Are you going to dance with me
and are you going to be with me tonight?
Are you going to love me
and call me precious in your sight?

You’re so much closer now
and yet your face is harder to recognize
But still I can’t forget the piercing
of the gaze that comes with those eyes
Where do I know you from
and why have you come to be with me tonight?

You ask for my hand and then there’s scars I finally recognize
It’s the holes in your hands and the gash in your side
You’re not who I was expecting you would be
from across the room but now you’re here with me
Your love is what I’ve known and what I’m looking for
and once again, You beckon me to come forth

Into Your arms, there I fall
Within Your eyes, there I’m known
And not just in this moment but for all of my days
I can’t forget the piercing
of the gaze that comes with those eyes
Because it’s the look of love that has pursued me my entire life

So would You dance with me?
Would You be with me tonight?
I want You to know the rhythm of my heart
and know the joy I have inside
Seems like I am seldom, hardly known
for who I wanna be in Your eyes
So would You dance with me
and would You be with me tonight?
Would You love me
and call me precious in Your sight?

The Seemingly Impossible

I’ve been dwelling on the fact of the seemingly impossible as of late. I feel like there’s a lot of circumstances in my life right now that on the surface, seem impossible for them to come into being or to be carried out. Examples of this include trying to end the academic quarter 2 to 2.5 weeks early, planning a large scale week-long conference for the campus in January, engagements with friends and fellowship, learning difficult lessons in a relationship, and more.
I look at all these things and each of them in themselves seem impossible, and all of them together is another story.

Yes, there are times I feel overwhelmed, and I hope I’d be the first to admit that. But I’m also finding something uncharacteristic of me in this situation, and that is learning to delight in the impossible…

Hebrews 6 talks about the progress of moving from an elementary to mature faith. We are to remember the doctrine we have been taught, and the goodness of God which we have tasted thus far, and yet still press on. It refers to promises such as those that God promised to Abraham, and what it means to inherit those. We are to be sure of better things (vs 9) and be earnest in holding fast and fully to the hope we have until the end (vs 11), because then we are imitators of those who have come before and inherited the promises God has spoken.

We are to be like Abraham and patiently wait for said promises. We are to have faith, not in something as finite as ourselves and the works of our feeble hands, but in Someone infinite. Someone greater than ourselves (vs 16).

We so often want confirmation for what we hope for. Often times we wait and hope without seeing tangible fruit of said thing, but in His own promises, God gives us an oath sworn by his unchangeable self, that we may hold fast to the hope we have before us (vs 17-18). The oath that God has sworn by Himself is the surest and most steadfast anchor, as Jesus is the One binding the Covenant between ourselves and God. He is the forerunner on our behalf, our priest in the inner courts (vs 19-20), and through salvation in Him, we are able to receive all the Father has promised.

God laid the foundation again for me this summer, reminded me and taught me thoroughly the elementary things of my faith, such as who He is according to His word. It is good that I move on to the mature things, regardless of how difficult they are. When we truly know and understand knowledge, I believe it penetrates our heart and floods through our actions. With that, I believe that when we come into a better and fuller understanding of God, it penetrates our hearts and floods our actions.

In these seemingly impossible things, I am being covered with the truth of the knowledge I know and hold fast to. I am being reminded that my own strivings are folly. I’m remembering that I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I’m remembering that He must become greater, and I must become less. I’m remembering that it is of more value to believe without seeing. I’m remembering that even when I, a youth, grow tired and weary, the Lord will renew my strength. I’m overwhelmed with the peace that comes with the knowledge that God is always faithful. His ways are not my own, but I can surely trust Him to work out things on His own accord, and for the good of His children.

I’m incredibly thankful that these seemingly impossible lessons and circumstances only bring me back not just daily, but in every moment, to His feet, realizing that I am truly nothing and He is everything. I cannot live on my own. When I place myself at His feet and under His care I find Him in immeasurable ways that I only could’ve imagined or dreamed of before. The relationship I have with Him is much more than anything that can be found or described here on this earth, as His character is a profound mystery…

But I am not a mystery to my dear Father. In His eyes, these seemingly impossible things before me are things He has set before me in order that I may be refined, move on towards maturity, and above all, know Him more, love Him more. His ways have already come to be, and all of my days are already written in His book, even as I live into His story for me moment by moment.

I live in the light of a divine mystery, that of the Father’s love for us and everything that results from it. There are so many things I don’t understand right now about the things I am in and the circumstances that surround me, but I rest in the knowledge that He does. I will continue to walk in this divine mystery, realizing that I now see in a mirror dimly, but one day I will see clearly; now I only know in part, but then I shall know fully, as I am fully known by my Father (1 Cor 13:12).

That is surely enough to hope in.

In the Whisper

I have long heard John refer to 1 Kings 19 and how Elijah did not hear God in the wind, fire, or earthquake, but rather in the whisper. And it’s honestly a little strange for me to be writing about this personally because I feel as if I’m stealing his lesson from him or something, but I do see how God has used the lesson He’s been teaching John to help me recognize it as well. So therefore, I will write about it.

It was about a week and a half ago that I was driving home at night on a two-lane highway from John’s house and our anniversary date we had just had. After about probably 15 minutes of driving, I saw a moth come up through the vents by my windshield, the ones that defog your windshield. This may not seem like that big a deal, but for those of you who don’t know, moths are my #1 detested, skittish creature. It has to do with a time about 10 years ago when a moth flew into my mouth and I couldn’t get it out speedily. Needless to say, I’ve been somewhat traumatized by them and detest them since that time. So when I saw the moth crawl out from that vent, I was disgusted and tensing up more and more by the second. I don’t like them in themselves, and then to have one in a dark, enclosed car while moving ~70 mph on a two-lane highway at night is just a bad situation.

I was already having a bit of a rough time on my drive home before the moth appeared. The moth was really the last thing I needed or wanted. It was still on the dashboard for a while and I was able to tolerate it. However I was realizing that if it started flying around, it would be a really bad thing because I cannot control my reaction to moths. I freak out, literally. I decided to pull off the road before an accident happened and get the moth out of my car. It took a little bit of effort, but I succeeded.

Or so I thought. About two minutes later, a moth started flying all around my head and I lost it. It made me angry, upset, frustrated, tense, and also released a lot of pent-up emotions. I decided to drive the last 20 minutes home with all the windows open so that one, either the moth would fly out, or two, the wind would keep me from knowing it was touching me. Needless to say, I got home cold, tense, and exhausted.

But there’s more to the story. The moth was the whisper. I had been texting John during the drive and pretty soon after I first saw the moth, I texted him “For some weird God thing right now there is a moth in my car, and I believe it’s God reminding me to trust Him in the unexpected movements that I want to see. I wish God wouldn’t remind me through a moth in my enclosed car that won’t get out…ugh!! But I must let Him do what He may.” I realized the lesson pretty quick for once.

The last two weeks have been very full of unexpected movements that I want to see but find myself having and needing to trust God in it altogether. There are times like this and lessons like these that are uncomfortable like the moth makes me. Yet I’ve been reminded that it’s usually the uncomfortable times that bring the most refining of our faith because it strips it down raw to expose what it really is and what it is lacking. These times are so purposeful, but they are purposeful if we allow God to make them so; in other words, hearing the whisper, drawing near to Him, and allowing Him to do what He may. I think the more and longer I walk behind my Lord I see that we have the choice to be as near or as far to God as we desire and the choice to receive as much or as little as we choose. I see these things to be true. Where I think we often get confused is that we think those truths to be true on our own conditions and in our own ways and means, and they simply are not. His ways are not ours. And thank Him for that!

The situation of the moth definitely exposes where I still would love to see and have control over, as I found myself praying that night “God thank you for this lesson, but do you really have to teach me through a MOTH???” It’s kind of a stupid question in hindsight because I don’t think I would’ve gotten it in any other medium. God knew. His way was not my own. And so often it is not. But His way is always better.

It brings me back to the necessity of hearing God in the whisper. I think we can easily expose and endanger ourselves to the wind, fire and earthquake in a desperate attempt to hear God when in reality, we need to be still and listen to the ways in which He’s already speaking. John said in his blog the other night “God is God. He doesn't communicate like us. He hardly ever speaks in audible words in the way we think of communication and so it is with the Spirit. He communicates without them often times.” There is much truth in that.

This summer has reminded me of what it’s like to hear God in the quiet. It’s taught me greater depths of what it is to hear Him in the whisper. I so often forget in the midst of what He’s been doing and teaching me in regards to my hearing that one of His purposes in me not hearing the world is that I may hear Him, in the quiet, without the roar and distraction that surrounds so many others. That is never to change regardless of where my physical hearing is at. That should be the “hearing” that I tirelessly seek to refine, improve, and listen, for the ways He speaks are of eternal value and will never fall away. This is not to say that I don’t eagerly await the redemption of “broken physical ears” and await His gift in it, but I’m finally getting it into my thick skull that that is not the main point. The test remains in how I hold fast to that truth in the midst of changing circumstance. I am thankful for God laying the foundation now and reminding me of the sweetness of His voice, even if it may bring about difficult things.

We need to remember that God knows us. He knows our every thought, joy, struggle, triumph, and defeat. He has predestined us and knew us before we ever came to be. He loves us with a love unlike any other. God is for us, who can be against us? And what good is it for a man to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul? Those who save their life will lose it but those who lose it will find it. It is not only wise to heed how He speaks and what He says, but a joy and privilege to do so.

He is not in the wind, fire, or earthquake, but in the whisper.

(Matthew 16:24-28), (1 Kings 19)

A Photo Library of Memories

On my computer my screen saver is set to my iPhoto library, playing pictures at random. Needless to say, there’s a very large variety of pictures within it; taken over the course of the last few years from anywhere and everywhere. My screen saver is often playing, especially when I have my computer at work and have taken a few moments to do something else. A few minutes ago as I was attempting to journal and articulate something of the millions of things that are swirling around in my mind and heart, I stopped typing, and after a few minutes, the screen saver started up.

I remember almost every photo I take. I remember where and when I took it, and more than that, the emotional connotation and the context of it. I have grown to love photography so much because of all the meaning it can contain within a single image. As this random slideshow of my own pictures, and namely my life over the last 4 years played tonight, a range of emotion washed over me. I remembered each moment of those pictures, and some seem so long ago, my freshman year of college, though it’s only been 3 years. I remembered the people I’ve known and how we have all changed and grown, and life has surely taken its course.

I’ve been saying for a while now that everything is about to change, and nothing will be the same again. Well, that reality has finally hit. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s my last week here in Colorado Springs before heading back to school next week after being home for what should be my last summer here. Or maybe it’s the fact that yesterday I talked to my best friend over Skype at 7 in the morning my time and 10 pm hers, as she is walking into a new adventure in her life. It might’ve been a text I sent last week that ended up being rather prophetic in nature. It could also be the fact that I said good-bye to Tine’s little sister today who I have known since she was 7 and is heading off to college in a couple weeks. Or maybe it was the conversation I had with my brother today at his apartment, hanging out like we never have before.

But really, it’s not just one of those many things (and many more) that has happened to set reality into motion. In many ways, to classify one of those things to set reality in motion is like looking at one picture in a medley in my slideshow, thinking “that’s when things changed.” A picture is just what it is often coined as, a “snapshot,” referring to one moment captured in time. With as much connotation it can carry, it’s not the full view. But when pictures are compiled upon one another and continue to grow in number, you start to get an accurate picture of the change over a period of time.

There may be pictures from several years ago that remind us of sweet or bitter things. In themselves, they are powerful memories, either moments of bliss or wounds opened. They may remind us of things we do not want to remember. But I think this memory serves us well, because it opens our eyes to what was and if we have allowed things to be healed and changed. They may remind us of hope, an innocence of earlier days that perhaps we have lost sight of in the present yet wish to carry into the future. Memories in themselves are powerful things, just as a snapshot can convey.

But where I believe character is truly shown is over time, over the years. The years reveal what we have learned or haven’t learned, the lessons of God that have brought us through and remain our foundation or the ones we still forget. I believe it exposes our history of inaction or action. I believe it really exposes who we believe God to be, not just in a season or even multiple ones, but in every moment of our lives past, present, and future. I believe that as time progresses, so should we.

It’s why I find myself taking pictures and continue to. It’s why I find myself looking at past ones and remembering. The slideshow of pictures of the past show how little or far we have come and perhaps wakens our eyes to the present and future. The picture-taking adventures I set out on in the present and future occur because I understand that no matter how amazing or memorable the past pictures have been, I know God has more in store, more beauty to reveal, more memories to create, and I would feel I was missing out if I didn’t pursue it to the fullest. I’ve had some memorable picture taking journeys, some smarter than the others, but don’t regret one moment of it. It’s one of my ways of living life to the fullest, or perhaps better said, a metaphor of the act of doing so.

I believe God’s sovereignty to be an incredibly powerful thing, one in which we should always remember and hold fast to. But at the same time, I am coming to understand that His sovereignty is not a reason or excuse not to take action in the very ways He has commanded us to do so. We abuse it then. We don’t hold fast to what He has given and remain good stewards of it. And I know that’s one of the last things I want to do in this life He has given me, to say “Yes Lord, I choose You and Your ways” and then never set out to walk in them or walk in them fully.

It’s not just the iPhoto slideshow that is flooding me with memories. I have so much swirling around in my mind and heart as of the past few days that I can never articulate on my own efforts. God is flooding me with memories, flooding me with truth, flooding me with promises, flooding me with vision, and flooding me with longsuffering hope. Remembering the past, what has shaped me, encouraged me, or even hurt me, helps me to move forward, because it magnifies both what God has done and what I still have yet to let Him fully redeem. Sometimes we have to look back in order to be able to move forward. Sometimes we have to remember the things of the past, whether sweet or difficult, to understand how we can walk into the future. And a lot of the times we have to be reminded of the progression of pictures, the very character we have developed, to realize that over time things do change and we have to walk in them accordingly.

As I started to say earlier, everything isn’t simply going to change, everything already is. There’s been a wave of relative consistency in my life over the last 21 years. There’s a new wave coming. It surely requires me to trust God in ways I haven’t before and see Him move in ways I wouldn’t expect. But the old wave has brought a stronger belief and steadiness in my dear Lord that carries me into the future…that though I may not know, I may not understand, He surely does, and His right hand holds me fast. There is nothing I need doubt of His character or who He is in my life, because He surely works all things out for good, even the most difficult ones. I don’t think this new wave is going to be easy, but I hold so strongly to the belief that God is going to blow me away. The very pictures He has set in place in order to show us the greater mysteries of Him and His love are beckoning me to dive deep within. I want this new wave to show God to be who I know He is and forever will be, and continue to shatter the love and knowledge I have for Him. The Lord is my Keeper. I know my cries are heard, and I know He answers. I know my faith in Him is not in vain. I hold fast to see what He will do in this new wave.

In time, new photos will be added to the library, both holding meaning on its own and building on the medley that shows my life and where God has brought me.

As He has in the past, so He will in the future-He will always lead me through.

"While I cannot be there right next to you to hold
you as you walk through the field, I am 
carrying you even from here, and I am laying 
you in the hands of our saviour who loves you 
so very dearly and will guide you through and 
make sure that you are whole in Him in the end."

From my beautiful best friend across an entire ocean...
her words say more than enough

Field of Lies

Out in a field seemingly untainted and pure
I drink in the beauty that surrounds
Breathe in the air deep and take it all in
It’s moments like this that remind me of who God is
And I find myself in perfect peace drinking it all in

I go to walk through it, to experience it more
Making myself vulnerable to the things uncontrolled
For this is the field reminding me of the Lord
Therefore, I go forth, but then I forget
To watch my step for what lies underneath

Because before I know it, I’ve stepped on a mine
The once pure field has become one of lies
Narrowly escaped the aspect of death
I find myself reeling from the pain
And wonder why this place has become defiled

I forget that in the midst of beauty there’s still an enemy who resides
One who lays traps and runs and hides
Leaving those ignorant to their own demise
He hates all things good and pure
And bitterly opposes the battle in my own heart

Though in this the greater battle has already been won
There are still so many mines and lies
And each step forth, though closer to the end
Makes me take caution with every move
When all I want to do is to simply be free

I can’t keep walking on mines
I can’t keep narrowly escaping
only to have to pick myself up once again
Trying to ignore the pain and lies
And once again cling to the hope for which I fight

In this world they seldom send soldiers out to battle on their own
No, together they fight
And when one’s down the other carries him over his shoulder
To lift him up and keep him from demise
They cling to the cause of which they fight
Believing firm in the hope that they will prevail
Yet to win the battle, they are stronger when side by side

I’m walking in this field of beauty
Trying to drink in God’s presence and romance
But there is an enemy still that I must fight
And maybe one day I’ll better understand the pattern of the mines
But for now, I have to fight the lies

Everything

On this blog as of late, there are seldom times in which I write about something not from a first-person perspective, or for the purpose of speaking to people rather than sharing with people. I was thinking about that today and wondering why such a change has occurred in me. The thing that I've been able to pull away from that thought is that when it comes down to it, I am no different than anyone else out there in the world, from those who know me the most intimately to those who will never have any idea that I exist. I, like everyone else on this earth, am a sinner that falls so incredibly short of the glory of God. I, like everyone else on this earth, am seeking to find purpose in this life and to make it meaningful, even daring to dream that perhaps, in some way, my life could make a difference.

This being said, it may sound purposeless to blog or even share what it is that I am going through, learning, or thinking about. What brings me back to it, however, is the fact that in my own search for purpose, in my search for meaning, in my lofty dreams that my life could make a difference, I am finding One who is truly set apart from all of us here on this earth. I am finding One who calls me intimately into His presence in order that He may redeem me, sanctify me, and set me apart by the mark of His blood. My search has ended with the beginning of a journey, and that is one of coming to know and understand One who is so infinitely unlike me, and unlike anyone I will ever find here on this earth. My search has culminated in the beginning of this journey, because I have come to understand that the things I have always sought after or dared to dream can only be found within this path. It brings a purpose to my life that wasn't there before. But more so, it brings reason for breathing, reason for singing, reason for living, because I am on the journey of knowing One greater than myself, greater than my life, greater than anything that could ever be imagined. It is within Him that everything can truly be found. In my seeking of Him and losing everything else, it is then I truly gain.

And perhaps that's the purpose of this blog...because though I am so like everyone else here on this earth by nature, there has been and is One who shows me what it means to be set apart. There's this journey He has me on, and while it is intimately personal and tailored to who I am and what He desires me to become; the fact is the prospect of the journey is open to everyone. It comes at a price, yes, the very blood of Jesus Christ, but He deemed us worthy of it. It comes with the aspect of learning what it means to lose our life so we can truly find it. It doesn't come with anything easy, but it is more than worth it. And that's why I share. I share my journey in hopes that others will be beckoned to the One I know, and either begin their own journey with Him or continue to follow hard after Him, renewed by the joy of His presence and an understanding of His immeasurable grace. This is the goal of my life, that those who know me would ultimately know Him, because He's far better than I ever will be.

And with that, I share what God's been doing in my heart and life as of late, giving you my journal entry from tonight. May you be blessed by His presence, and may He speak to you through the words of a sinner such as myself as He so chooses.



Dear Lord,
I haven’t journaled for a week. That keeps becoming more and more of a normal occurrence, which I never would have imagined it would, due to how much I have written in the past. However, it is perfectly in the season You have me in, as I say over and over again.

I have just found myself completely overwhelmed with who You are, my dear Lord. I was driving to meet Emily today and I was just tearing up immediately in the car as I thought of You. And Lord, it’s still so true. I find myself more in love with you than ever before. I find myself in Your presence more than ever before, and with it all comes so much peace and knowledge of who You are. I find the truths I have come to know over the 8 years I have known You really fully taking root. Your words just flood my brain as I think about such things and find myself in different situations. There’s this steadiness that only You can bring.

The book I read and have been reading, In the Meantime, has been one of the biggest blessings of this summer. You have helped me to see how there is tremendous purpose in the waiting, in the things that may seem monotonous in the present. Lord, though I can’t see it fully yet, I can understand how what You have been bringing me through especially this summer are preparing me so much.

I’ve been praying about the bible study/gig in the art department the last couple weeks. And Lord, I believe You have just now given Your answer. Lord, the fact is, I know how to do a bible study. I know how to lead a group of people. I know how to disciple. With the exception of discipling and pouring into those who You call me to pour into, I need to not focus on structured things that I can control. The fact is, I don’t know how to be mission-minded in every moment. I don’t know how to let You minister through me without me knowing it in those types of situations. I don’t know how to be intentional with the Gospel in my relationships with non-believers in a way that’s not trying to convert them or appearing to have that mindset. Lord, I know how to do ministry. And I know how to do friendship. Though there will always be more to learn on that end, I don’t know how to combine the two. And the fact is, that is what people are looking for first and foremost. Believers who will be real. People who will love and accept them. Christians who walk the walk and live in this world but not of it. Lovers of God who will enter their world and show them something greater. There is far too much structure in how we reach people and it’s turning people off more than winning. I believe there is a greater need and focus in how we allow You to move, rather than there being a systematic approach.

It’s interesting that this is coming from my hands, but I do believe it to be something You have been showing me this summer. A great picture of that is this morning. We went to church for the first time this summer. The Paauws invited us because Mr. Paauw was preaching. My dad came. You know how much I have been praying this summer for those kinds of opportunities for my parents to see You and know You more, and for my dad to turn to You. Yet Lord, still You have commanded me to wait and not take action in the ways I normally would. And Lord, today it was so clear why. What was spoken about this morning was the beauty of the gospel, why it is good news, how it has been advancing and prophesized since the beginning of all time, and how even the disciples didn’t get the full implication of what it means. In every way, it made the gospel relevant to every human being and also showed it as the incredible redeeming love and grace it possesses. I couldn’t pick anything better for my dad to hear, and I couldn’t have picked a better time, place, or person for him to hear it from. You met him where he is at, because You know where he’s at. I wasn’t to play a part in it this time. Same with my mom. She needs to take these actions on her own, and not because it’s simply something I do. She needs to seek after You because of who You are. I’m so thankful for this morning, because I truly believe it did something far greater in an hour and a half than I could’ve done on my own efforts in this entire summer.

That’s where it gets hard sometimes, because we are inclined to do the opposite of what we should actually be doing in a situation. When we are told to take action, we stand still, and when we are told to wait, we rush forward. It’s this sinful flesh that still opposes the things of You and must continue to be sanctified and redeemed. It is so much in those situations that we have to come to You and die to ourselves in order that Your will, not our own, be done. It’s in those beautiful moments such as this morning that remind us of Your sovereign control and how You know far better than we do. It’s in the moments in between that we must hold fast to the knowledge we have of You, trusting and knowing that Your ways surely are better than our own.
That’s where I’ve found myself overwhelmed. Lord, there has been nothing of me this summer because You have stripped it all away. You have been bringing me to the place where I hold fast to You alone and love You because of who You are, nothing else. Lord, You know at the beginning I felt raw and exposed, because there was no longer things that I fabricate for myself to hide behind. But as I stand still in moments You give me, I find myself tearing up in tears of praise because Lord, You are so much better. You are so much greater.

It’s like everything of You is water in a crystal clear lake. Left alone and in its purity, there is nothing else that compares. We have the blessing of observing it and letting it be what it is, and when You choose to pour it out upon us, You will. I see two ways we could interact with this situation. One being that we are in complete ignorance of how dirty we are and in an attempt to be part of your plans, we jump in without Your consent and defile the purity of what You are doing. Another being that we wait on You, knowing that we, by our own means and ways, have no right ourselves to interact with such pure things. If we are chosen by You to interact with pure things such as water, it must be in the manner of being cleansed by it, being baptized by it, being in full knowledge of our defilement and Your purity. We cannot ever think ourselves of the same nature You are. Therefore, we on our own, do not have the right to associate or immerse ourselves in things of You. We can only do so when we realize we have been bought at a price and that we are part of Your grand plan only by grace. We treat these matters with so little regard and we wonder why we continue to fall on our face, why these things seemingly of God never seem to quite work out…

And that’s where we must know that there is nothing of ourselves that can bring any more worth to who You already are. We must live our lives seeing through eyes of humility, humbly accepting who we are. It is when we realize that we are nothing, You can fully be everything. When we allow You to bring us to that place where we truly experience and taste it, we finally come to understand at least in part that You are God in Heaven and we are here on earth. We finally come to understand that there is such a deep mystery in our relation with You and how that is possible and then allow that to become even more of a mystery. It becomes a romance, in which things seem new every morning and one feels more alive than they ever have before. It becomes something that is beyond words and better manifested in tears and silence. It becomes all of these things we have never dreamed of experiencing because we have never before understood what it means to get out of the way. It becomes, for the first time, a truly unhindered communion with You, because we have begun to understand this place You have us on this earth while we dwell in Your presence, awaiting the Kingdom to come that has been advancing since the days of John the Baptist. It becomes all of these things that You have forever created it and destined it to be, because we finally understand not only what it is to be truly nothing, but to rejoice in that very fact. It has been a long time of breaking, and will continue to be a daily death to self, but is the beginning of what it means…

…to let You be everything.

Night Lightning

Something Profound

When it’s hard to put words together in a literary composition of sorts to convey what one is learning or going through, it’s time for the writer to write from the heart. Sometimes things are just too profound for it to be tangibly grasped and written from the mind. That is where I have found myself as of late, and particularly now. It’s time to write from the heart.

I said goodbye to my best friend two days ago. I won’t get to see her again for another year. The experience itself and all that has come with it has been incredibly profound to me. She was here for a couple of days prior to that as I got to show her around Colorado and we had the blessing of each other’s presence. Yet the goodbye at the airport is probably one of the hardest I have been through for many reasons. As we prayed together before that, I found myself realizing that the tremendous blessing we have been given in each other’s friendship is what made it so hard to say goodbye. The level of depth we have attained in our friendship has created such a love and respect for one another, forging a bond that I think many people would envy. I’m reminded of the story of Jonathan and David when Jonathan stripped his armor and gave it to David. He loved David as himself. In many ways, I believe this to be a good picture of our friendship, because Elise knows me in so many ways and depths that others don’t. Her love has stripped my armor and I have been able to give it to her. God has brought us such comfort and edification through one another.

I realized later on that night that I have been focusing on the big picture of her leaving and the reality that brings for so long that I never allowed myself to see what I will miss and grieve. Throughout the whole process of God leading her to East Asia, I have been blown away by His workings in it all, from the grandest to the simplest. In the past several months I have had the blessing of seeing how God opens doors and leads His people through them, blessing and challenging them along the way. In this coming year I am so excited to see what He does with her; both around and through her, as well as within. I’m so excited to have my eyes be enlarged through her experience. I’m excited to see what God will do with our friendship as we will experience it in a different context and way than we have before. But the aspect of the different context really hit me the past couple of days, particularly when she was here. Because this next year, I am losing who has been my greatest companion to date. I am losing the one who has sought out my presence like no one else in my life has done before. I am losing the physical presence of one who knows me and understands me tremendously. I am losing the physical presence of my best friend.

I found myself thinking the other night about when our friendship really plummeted into the depth that it exists within today. And I realize now that the principle of loss in order to gain is prevalent. My friendship with Elise blossomed when I stopped trying to find what God was giving through her with John. It was when I finally let go and allowed God to bring what He wished in the friendship. It was finally accepting the blessing that God had placed on the table for about a year at that point. It was when I lost my own definition of what I believed should be found in particular relationships and friendships and let God define them instead. And God chose to bring us through a time of carrying each other’s burdens, teaching us about the greatest form of love in laying down one’s life for another. And God chose to bring us through a time in which we learned what it is like to walk alongside another in all aspects of life: from the joys to sorrows; the simple to complex; the everyday to monumental; preparing each of us for our next big eventual step in what it means to walk alongside a man. God has chosen to use our friendship to teach us and bring us through so many aspects and lessons of life that we have had the safety and security of learning with one another. Our friendship has been so great because God has been the driving force, the giver and sustainer, and the giver of blessings. We have experienced the depth of the love that Phileo can bring.

Yet the principle of loss in order to gain now comes into play in a reverse way. In many ways, I have to lose what I have in our friendship in order to gain something else. And it’s tremendously bittersweet. It’s part of this passage of life that I have long known has been impending, but now that it’s here upon me, it’s surreal. It’s like I feel the full immensity of loss and gain as well as being numb to it at the same time. Everything is changing. Everything is evolving in the ways that God has it set to, but being in the thick of it right now leaves me going through something profound.

I find the words I have spoken to Elise on occasion over the past couple of months to speak tremendously to me now. It’s that the changes and different situations in life bring us opportunity to know God better and in different ways than we have before. It’s an opportunity to propel deeper into the depths of who He is. It’s an opportunity to see His continued faithfulness not just in the situations familiar to us, but in unfamiliar, unwalked territory. It brings us back to every aspect of who He is. Change breaks us of the knowledge we have previously attained in other situations, propelling us into a situation in which we must wait and learn, an opportunity to come to His feet. It’s an opportunity to fully recognize and understand God to be the same yesterday, today, and forever, even in the midst of ever-evolving circumstance.

There’s so much interlaced in every moment God has me in, and the profundity of it is opening my eyes and heart to the greatness of Him. It’s such a mystery to be found in His greatness yet see His intimacy in bringing me through the things He is in order that I may know and love Him more. I can’t define “how I am.” I’m going through something profound.

And like I prayed with Elise in our goodbyes, often times what makes things hard is because they are good.

Clarity in the Ambiguous

I haven't written for a while most simply because I haven't really known what or had anything to say. That's different.

I've been in this highly ambiguous time in my life, if you will. It's not necessarily that it's ambiguous in itself (though I believe it is) but more so, that where God has me is highly ambiguous to myself. Even explaining it or trying to understand it as a whole seems to bring more ambiguity to something already ambiguous.

But God has been bringing so many elements of this ambiguous whole into clarity that allows me to see that it is all purposeful. One of those elements is that things are supposed to be ambiguous (tired of this word yet? ;-)) at least to some extent.

My faith cannot depend on the foundation of what I understand.

It cannot be about what I do.

It cannot be about the ways I find him in the ways I normally do.

My faith has to be rested on the foundation, love, and trust I have of God to be who He is when everything familiar in every way is stripped away. It has to be raw.

I think so often we take the things God places in our lives as reason to have faith, when instead, they should just be examples of the faithfulness we should already know.

That faith is that He is God, and we are not. That He has rescued us, redeemed us, loved us for who we are (sinners) and in spite of who we are not. That He never changes even in our perpetual fickleness towards him. His character alone displays all the faithfulness we should ever need to believe in Him.

Yet we have to choose to see it.

For me it's been this aspect of waiting and being still. It's highly ambiguous to me as it's contrary to who I myself am, but it's stripping me away of all the ways I do and experience things, simply because I am not doing them. It's leaving me with this raw essence of God and exposes my faith to be what it truly is. That is not always an easy thing, but it has been an incredible blessing. When I allow the foundation to be built that was always designed to be in place, it provides the structure for everything else. Nothing else wavers. Nothing else falls. Any question of faith or difficult things that is posed can stand on the foundation of who I know God to be. It's raw, exposed, just like concrete poured into a hole in the ground to make a basement or the foundation for the rest of the house.

Builders never start building anything else until that is set. Shouldn't we do the same?



I have written about waiting in many different forms this summer that sometimes it seems repetitive. God's showing me that it is thorough instead. There are many more things I could write about with all of it, but that too...

is to wait.

Down this Road

There’s no greater pain I’ve known
a wrenching of the heart and a crippling of the throat
as I lie here in wait of Your deliverance
and Your promise be all I can hold
if I were to bottle it up for all time
it would surely explode
Yet in wait I continue to find
the journey of knowing You down this road

They spat on You, tore you down
cross on Your back, made thorns Your crown
Still they jeered as the nails went into Your feet
and celebrated when Your head finally went down
the love you gave they did not receive
eyes so blinded by the world of deceit
they turned their back on what You came to give
And caused You a greater pain than they would ever know

In this road, in this pain
I come to find You in wait
Showing me the love You give
And Your life You gave
In carrying my own cross I find the weight of yours
I feel the pain You own
With what it’s like to love
and have them never know

I lay in wait of Your deliverance
Yet in the pain I bear I’ve come to know
the life You gave in the love You’ve shown
and how we fail to make that our own
We can never be justified
in rejecting the One we know
because the greatest love You’ve given
is through the promise of knowing You down this road

A Needed Message

A message much needed tonight, from The Letters of Samuel Rutherford

Madam, when you are come to the other side of the water and have set down your foot on the shore of glorious eternity, and look back again to the waters and to your wearisome journey, and shall see in that clear glass of endless glory nearer to the bottom of God’s wisdom, you shall then be forced to say, “if God had done otherwise with me than he hath done, I had never come to the enjoying of this crown of glory.” It is your part now to believe, and suffer, and hope, and wait on: for I protest in the presence of that all-discerning eye who knoweth what I write and what I think, that I would not want the sweet experience of the consolations of God for all the bitterness of affliction; nay, whether God come to his children with a rod or a crown, if he come himself with it, it is well. Welcome, welcome Jesus, whatever way soever thou shall come, if we can get a sight of thee.

Pause

Main Entry:
pause
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
paused; paus·ing
Date:
15th century
intransitive verb 1 : to stop temporarily 2 : to linger for a time

Though I know words can never fully define the movements and workings of God, if I were forced to pick a word that describes what He has me doing this summer, it would be the word Pause. I find it amazing that something I have so often prayed and hoped for, yet thought was unrealistic to do so, has actually come into fruition this summer. In so many ways, my life has paused while time keeps on playing simultaneously. It is a bizarre experience.

Yet there is so much purpose in it. God has physically put me in a place where I can rest fully, in the physical and spiritual terms of the word. I have needed it tremendously. I see it clearly now as I’ve been able to look back on the lessons He has taught me in the last couple of years, this last one in particular. A steep learning curve would be an understatement. The usage of the word lessons is really an understatement as well. It implies an act in which one obtains knowledge. I don’t underestimate the value of lessons, and I know God doesn’t either. But if we were to focus purely on the lessons we learn, we would only be focusing on one aspect the way we were created to live and act-coming to know and love God through our mind. In some ways I wonder if that is why I have craved time to reflect on said lessons in the past, because through that time I was able to tangibly grasp it through the processing of my mind. God has been doing something far greater over the last year-and that is through the “lessons” He has brought, He has been bringing me to love Him fully; with every aspect of my being. We were created with so many facilities to experience Him and the life He has given us; to limit the things He brings to just one aspect seems to belittle creation.

Obviously, the greatest commandment is “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” I find it interesting just now as I look it up in my bible and when the command mind comes in, it comes in the Gospels when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He replied “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” However, mind is never mentioned in the cross references to that very passage in my bible. It comes from the Lord speaking to Moses to Israel, and all that is mentioned throughout the old testament is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” Mind isn’t mentioned there. I’m not going to get into a theological exposition here and now, but it does strike my curiosity greatly.

Lately I have been finding myself overwhelmed at His character in every way. For the first time in my life one day last week, I wrote a one-sentence journal entry. It read, “Dear Lord, You are overwhelmingly beautiful…” That was all I could bring myself to say, all that my words could utter though my heart was overwhelmed with His presence. That has been one of the tremendous blessings of time pausing. For once I’m not so blinded by the burdens and responsibilities of everyday life that I so often let hinder me from the presence of God. With this pause, He is teaching me what it is to find Him, and find Him fully. I’m allowing Him to take my breath away because for once I am stopped from hindering the presence of God. The responsibility is not His to bring us into His presence; He is omnipresent. The responsibility is ours to strip away or push aside what hinders or holds us back from it. So often we are childlike not in our faith, but in how we handle what has been given to us. We are desperate to make excuses, to do anything that would keep the burden of responsibility on someone or something else. We also make blessings burdens. May we never do this injustice.

Time has paused in the place of my childhood and youth. I knew very clearly that I was to be home this summer several months ago, and one of those reasons is clear. I’m in this time in my life in between childhood/youth and the beginnings of adult life beckoning. In this pause, I have been able to see clearly what has laid behind me. Being back in the same environment in which I grew up in causes me to fall into old habits and ways of doing things. The main thing is my lack of vulnerability with my parents. There was a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood with my older brother, a long story in itself. My way of handling it or my response to it was to not let anything affect me. It was to force myself to be a steady, unwavering presence in my family, learning to work through things on my own or with my closest friend(s). My parents had so much on their plate already and the house was usually in more than enough turmoil that there simply wasn’t any room for me to be anything but steady. This way of being became so ingrained in my character over my childhood and youth, and God has had to largely break it over the past couple of years in college. Praise be to Him that He has. Yet, there has been more breaking, in a lot of ways, the final breaking, to happen here. I am to break this way of being in the very place it began. It is a tangible aspect of breaking one of the bondages of childhood and moving onto adulthood. I have been praying for opportunities for this to happen this summer. It came out of the blue last night. In a conversation with my parents about a lot of things to come, God broke me and helped me to be fully vulnerable with my parents. I can’t tell you what happened in it. It blessed all of us in so many unexpected ways. Fully beautiful, fully Him. I am home this summer to bring a closure to this aspect of my life, childhood, that hasn’t had a chance to be yet. More than that, I’m home to let God redeem these things of my childhood in order that I may move forward in what He has next.

It is good…but it is strange too. A perfect example is seeing a good friend of mine from high school get married yesterday. I have known her for seven years, since freshman year of high school. We wrote notes incessantly that first year we knew each other, and I read through the ones I have before her wedding. I found myself amazed at how much has changed since then. In reading those notes, it was like going back into time and fully understanding what life was like then for the first time. It made me appreciate all the more where we stand today, especially seeing her yesterday ready in every way to be married, to be a wife. God has shaped her in beautiful ways, many of which were unexpected to me. I am blessed to call her my friend, and I love that in many ways, we grew up together. Yet it is strange that I am at this age in my life where these things are happening, where people I know right around my age are getting engaged, married, even some having babies. In so many ways, that is the epitome of adult life to me. It encompasses all the challenges and blessings of that time. It has been so weird to have my life in pause while time has been playing around me. I see these people I have known since my youth entering full-fledged adulthood, ready to take on full responsibility, but more than that, ultimately, the fullest form of love shown on this earth, and that is to become one flesh with another. That is to enter a covenant of laying down your rights, entitlements, desires, wants, etc., for the better of another person. It is the ultimate form of love, and I find myself in this amazed wonder at how God has chosen this very love to show a picture of the love He has for us. It is so utterly profound. It is a mystery that we learn and walk in for the rest of our lives on this earth. It is no coincidence or mistake that God has designed this covenant between man and woman to be one of forever, through trials, blessings, pain, joy, all the things that life can bring-because that is the covenant we have with Him.

In this pause I am finding a contentment and joy that is contradictory. It is found equally in the past, present, and future. I see the foundation of the past, the joy of the present, and the promise of the future. It is all perfectly intertwined together, meant to be experienced as a unit rather than separate entities. It all perfectly bears the work and mark of our dear Creator, loving Father, precious Lord. It is strange, and it is foreign, because it is not of this world. But it’s where I’m supposed to be, and I rejoice in that. This overflow of my heart in this pause leaves me in no place to doubt, but to fully love, and that is the greatest commandment-to love. “To LOVE the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” We love Him in many different ways and should love Him in all ways, but we must remember our acts of doing are for the purpose to love…and that is the greatest of all.

What Have We to Say?

Blessings upon blessings
Trials of drought and fire
Heights of mountains to valleys deep
Knowledge given and knowledge stripped away
In the storm to the light of day
And one may wonder what have we to say?

When the words are all stripped away and I simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May I come to find You alone and long to bring You praise
Love’s breath has been spoken upon me
That You alone are all I need
For who You are is the greatest thing
And may love be the song I sing

Delight in wonder
Stand in awe
Look up and listen to the thunder
And hear the voice of His call
Can we hear Him speaking in it all?

When He strips the words away and we simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May we come to find Him alone and long to bring Him praise
His love’s breath has been spoken upon us
He alone is all we need
For who He be is the greatest thing
May love be the song we sing

A Summer's Eve

John said something a couple weeks ago about how blessed we are in SLO with the fellowship we have there. Though at the time he said it, I knew it was true, the meaning hasn't really sunk in fully until the past few days. I am incredibly blessed with the people in my life, though I often take their presence for granted.

And though this past almost month has been a blessing to be still and quiet before God with very few people around me (basically my family and John's family), I am missing people very much. I miss people in SLO quite a bit, but I realize the thing I am missing the most is the aspect of fellowship as a whole.

I am here in Colorado this summer, which is exactly where God has me. I see that clearly each day. Yet tonight, I see the necessity for being intentional in seeking out fellowship here, even with people I haven't seen in a long while.

There is a need to have multiple people in one's life, both for the pouring out and receiving. I realize I am much better for the people in my life if I have this.

I talked to my mom for a good while tonight, letting her in on my life, something I don't usually do. In the missing of fellowship, however, God still uses situations for His best--because I need to open up to my mom more. Through His grace, I was able to do so tonight.

There lies responsibility on my part to maintain and be a good steward of what God has given me, and I know I often fail at doing so. That is why I am so thankful to have a gracious, sovereign God who knows me full well and is in control of every situation and my entire life. I am nothing without Him.

A Greater Mystery Still...

Taken from my journal entry from tonight

But in this all, there is a greater mystery still. It is that of learning what it means to crucify myself to the fullest, and not with sorrow, but abounding joy. It is learning to praise You because You alone are worthy, not because of anything I have or will receive. It is learning to say, “Yes Lord,” in every circumstance regardless of trial, difficulty, or pain, because I choose to have the knowledge of who You are first and foremost. It is learning not to be swept up in the moments and situations of this world, but instead, swept up by who You are. It is about You and me in its own entity. It’s about not just knowing that You are more than enough, but letting You be more than enough. It’s about running to You in every circumstance, not just when I find myself in need. It’s about being put in my right position before You, Creator of earth, but also receiving the grace You have given to know You intimately. It’s about all of these things and so much more, because there is a greater mystery still. It’s a mystery that I cannot come to know in its fullest in this lifetime, but one I shall strive to seek evermore. There is an endless mystery that lies deep within You, the triune Godhead, and it is within that mystery I pray I always find myself.

Unconditional

There’s really no good place to begin, except with that God is more than enough. In all honesty, that should be the preface of my life and my first thought in everything I face and do. And praise be to Him who is teaching me this very thing.

I was driving home tonight down CO Highway 83 and was conversing with God about the multitude of things that lay on my heart, driving through tears. And there are still no words for the tenderness of His presence…that if one draws near, he/she will truly find Him. Throughout today I have found Him speaking to my heart with His truth and love, making difficult situations purposeful, in order that I may seek and find Him.

God has been laying the story of Abraham on my heart the past couple of days, especially in that He waited so many years for the promise of a son. I went and read Hebrews 11 last night, and God has since been opening my eyes to something deeper there…you can read the chapter here.

I have read the following part before but have never quite understood what was meant by it: 13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

As I read this over and over again last night along with some commentaries and cross references, I finally understood what was meant by them not receiving what was promised. The reference is to the promise of the Promised Land and also for a Messiah, and neither of them came in the aforementioned lifetimes. I’ve been letting that truth along with the other verses sink in over today, and with it, God has answered a lot of my prayers.

What hits me is that though none of those people received what was promised, their hope was not in vain. Their love for God was not conditional. Though these promises were made, they were not basing their faith on what they received, but rather, trust, hope, love. Would anyone of us look back on their stories and call them fools for waiting for something they never received in their lifetimes? I highly doubt it. I think so often we read this chapter from Hebrews and are moved by what God did in their lives by their measure of faith, but I think in that, we miss something more beautiful still—and that is what God didn’t do in their lives but how their faith remained.

I found this on one of my friend’s Facebook pages last night in how she described herself, and it spoke to me much along the same lines:
I'm striving for a goal that I will never reach during my life here. This may make me sound pessimistic, but it is the most encouraging truth to me. Striving after this ambition isn't always easy, but it always proves to be beautiful. Because I stand for something bigger than myself. And there is joy in the fact that letting go of everything else is enough.

Looking back on my life, I have always based my faith on promises received and the manifestation of such. I have looked to situations and blessings and challenges all as reasons to worship God; in other words, tangible things. I haven’t known what it means to worship God only because He is God, and let that be more than enough. He is making that distinction in my life, and bringing me ever more into His presence and grip. It’s now hard not to praise Him for who He is. But still, the lesson remains as my flesh is fickle and wants to look to these tangible things first as reason to draw near to Him. In this, God has been asking me the question of “what would you do and your response be if nothing and no one else in this world remained but Me?” And if I can’t answer that question being fully found in peace, then I deem I am not dwelling in the truths and presence of God…

Because He is always more than enough.

And today, I have found Him speaking both in general and in a couple of specific situations, that my hope is not in vain. There are promises upon which I continue to wait, and at times, do not see the manifestation of the fulfilling of; yet because I place my trust in the Most High and dwell in the truths and promises of His word, I know my hope is not in vain. But in the hoping, there is waiting. In the waiting, there is trust. And in the trust, there better be God, because anything else will fall away.

In the waiting, there comes this need to place my full faith in One alone, even if I may never see or receive promises made in this lifetime. Just like the people mentioned in Hebrews 11, there were promises God fulfilled in their lifetimes and others He did not. I’ve been praying and asking God how I am to love selflessly, and His answer was clear tonight. It is in the waiting. It is in the placing my trust in One greater that He is more than enough regardless if I receive anything tangible in my lifetime. The waiting strips away myself and my desires, because I can’t seek out what I want or hope for. And my love must be great enough to continue and persevere even if I never receive anything I hope for or that is promised.

Because that’s unconditional love.

Because that’s unconditional faith.

Because He is always more than enough.

And He is always more than worthy of all my praise.

5,087 Miles in 16 days...

...traveled all by car. The first bout was a drive home to Colorado with John from SLO; the second was a trip with my parents all over the west; particularly, Canada. Here is a map of the route I've traveled, with the places I particularly spent time in highlighted.

As I'm home tonight, I continue to find myself quieted. That was one of many purposes of God having me on these trips, and it is so good. Perhaps in time, I will write more about what God has been doing and teaching me, but tonight is not the night.

Until He beckons me to, I will remain quiet, and let Him speak for Himself.

Tearing the Curtain

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at 9:15 PM

I have never experienced 17 hours of continual daylight before. But as I sit in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada on vacation with my parents, I have been experiencing that very thing. I don’t see it as mere coincidence that I am so far north when the solstice happens (tomorrow).
I find my body is governed by light. Being here has reminded me of being a kid in the summer and having to go to bed before the sun set. It seemed unnatural to do so. It was the same thing last night, as the sun didn’t set until after 10 p.m. I was (and am) energized by the daylight, and I can’t bring myself to sleep as long as the sun is still out. But my mom was tired last night and so we pulled the blackout curtains over our three large hotel windows around 9:30 p.m., well before the sun set. I couldn’t help but feel we were doing such injustice. It was hard for me to understand last night why I felt such a way, but after some time being still over the river tonight, God revealed why.

It felt like such an injustice because we were exerting our control over a situation that shouldn’t have been. So often we cover the light because it is inconvenient to our circumstances. We exert our control far too much. What we fail to remember and recognize is that beyond the closed curtain, the light keeps on shining—and we can never change that. So why do we ignore it? Why do we not allow it to teach us? We fail to recognize that there is much waiting for us behind the curtain.

It put into words what I know I so often do. God’s light penetrates and exposes my true condition, for there is nothing for me to hide behind. But so often, I too, pull back the curtain because it seems a time of brokenness or exposure is inconvenient. I would rather see the light when I choose to do so. What I fail to remember in that is that the light continues to shine behind my own curtain, and I only prolong what the exposure will bring. I realize that when the light is uncomfortable to me, it probably means I am not in it enough, that I have been in the darkness too long and I am having to adjust to the new condition. I must allow God to shine his sovereign light over me at all times and realize the exposure and brokenness is good. It always is, even if it is often difficult. It puts me in my proper position before my Creator, realizing I am mere dust and it is only through His breath I am who I am.

I was remembering the Tabernacle tonight and how there were two curtains before the inner court, where the Holies of Holies was found. Sacrifices had to be presented on the altar in the inner court, and not just once. Then I remembered when Jesus gave his Spirit up upon the cross and breathed His last breath, it was then the curtain in the temple was torn. It is a beautiful picture of how when His sacrifice was complete, the barriers “preventing” us from attaining access to the Father directly were torn down and away. We can now draw near directly to the Father through Jesus. There is no more veil preventing us from seeing Him directly.

I wonder how often I and others still live as if we are under the Old law, and in a sense, use the curtain as an excuse not to see the Holies of Holies? We do such injustice when we do such a thing, because we fail to recognize what the Father has done for us through the sacrifice of His son…we choose not to allow ourselves to be fully redeemed and continue to present sacrifices upon the altar in place of ourselves. May we be done away with the old and move to the new—the curtain torn down, exposing the light, and fall down at the altar before our Father. We have been bought at such a price to do so—let us never take it in vain.

Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Conundrum

Journal entry from tonight

Dear Lord,

The lyrics of Hosanna by Hillsong describe my heart’s cry well tonight.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I find myself in a conundrum of sorts. I find myself desperately wanting to come before You and pour out my heart because You know me better than anyone; yet at the same time I sit in Your presence and feel that there is no reason for me to do so, as I am a trifle thing compared to You. There is none like You. I sit and contemplate Your creation and I am amazed. I went to Montana de Oro today with Elise briefly, and we sat on the rocky beach as the waves crashed hard against the shore. It was a simply beautiful day. We drove back through the valley and spoke of how the world we live in is incredible, yet it is not even a fraction of all that exists. I recall the movie I saw at church this morning in which the earth from space was shown and it put me in my place. I am nothing.

I was reading the news tonight of the new tribe they found in the Amazon jungle and I was frozen in place, struck speechless and moved unlike any other. I can’t put into words exactly what I felt when I was looking at the pictures and reading the articles of it. Perhaps it was something of the nature that these are a group of people never seen before, never interacted with civilization as we know it. You could see that in the pictures of them wearing war paint shooting arrows at the plane. Perhaps it was the aspect that those people are Yours. They may be sheep not of this fold as Bryan talked about at church this morning, but You are their Shepherd. There is such a rawness about them that is incredibly compelling. In so many ways they seem undefiled by this world and what it has created, away from any form of civilization and living on their own by only all they know. With that, there is so little they know about the world which I see as both a blessing and not. These people have never heard of You, my Lord. I remember reading Jim Eliot’s writings for the first time and being left speechless. I still am to some extent. Lord, I am put in my place in that this world is so much bigger than me, from the largest of countries as a whole to the smallest of tribes that have never been reached. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I went to Liz and Brian Crawford's house today as they gave a presentation about what they are doing next year in Israel, and even still it expanded my world view more. I’ve largely been wrapped up in the region of East Asia as Elise and others are going there next year and this summer, but even still, that’s just a fraction of the world. Who am I in the grand scheme of things? I am nothing.

Yet I am still a sheep of Your flock known and called by name; You know me full well. I’m blown away that in the magnitude of Your creation that You could know me as intimately as You do. It humbles me to know that You choose to know me, to bestow Your love upon me. There is nothing I could ever do to deserve it.

I feel selfish tonight wanting to come before You to pour out my heart to You in light of my position. Out of all of the divine mysteries in this world, what could there be to be said about my life? I don’t want to be so inwardly focused upon myself and what I am learning and going through that I miss sight of the greater picture. I know I run that danger often times. When I look at the world and see Your sovereign hand in it all, I’m amazed. When I look in the part of the world You have me in for this time and see what You are doing, I’m amazed. When I spend time with my closest friends and hear and experience what You are doing in their lives, it often moves me to tears and brings me such joy. I see my newly married friend learning about the covenant of love You have given her and her husband and bestowed upon her and You. I see my friends in Greek ministry ministering and loving those we often choose to look around or ignore because of false stereotypes or inability to relate. I see my roommates and how they are all seeking and finding You in their most unique of ways. I see my love learning what it means to allow You to move his heart and for him to respond accordingly, and it’s beautiful to see and experience. I see my best friend exemplifying what it means to die to herself daily, taking up Your cross, and following You wholeheartedly, no matter what the cost. These people inspire me greatly. I see and experience Your tangible work in their lives.

So why am I also here wanting to look at my life? I think I’ve strongly been desiring to reflect upon what You have been doing in me over this year because You have been changing and refining me tremendously. I want to sit in Your presence and see what that is. At the same time, I see how there are still and forever will be so many things I still don’t understand and have not attained. I’m reminded of this daily, praise be to You. I want to come and seek You out so I may grow in these ways and become more like You. I don’t want to miss out on what You have for me, because I know Your promise in that those who seek You with their whole heart will find You. I want to throw everything I am and have into that. Though I know the road You have us walk after You is not an easy one, I still choose it and want to follow You wholeheartedly, because unlike any other road, this one has the sweetness and security of Your presence. I want to rejoice in what You’ve been doing around me. I want to pray for what You’re doing in me. I want to ask You to search my heart for any offensive way in me, so that I may be pure in Your sight. I want to look at my life because it’s one of the most tangible ways in which I KNOW You and experience You. You speak my language, my dear Lord; You communicate to me best of anyone. You know what brings me to the highest of heights and the lowest of depths. I want to rest in Your presence because You know me full well; I don’t have to hide or try to explain things to You. There is a comfort and security found in You unlike any other. You are my Shepherd, and I know Your voice. I want to run after You.

I wish I knew how to resolve these extremes, because I feel like I can be either so inwardly focused and lose sight of who I am in relation to You and the world or so focused on the world that I lose sight of who You are to me personally. I wish I knew how to be aware of both at the same time. I realize that it is not about me; yet I also realize that You desire to know me. It’s a conundrum.

Yet in the midst of resolving this, I hold fast that You are fully sovereign and good not just in my life but in all of creation. You surely have shown Yourself to be so. I praise You, my dear Lord. I love You tremendously.