He, not I

Boston Public Library © Elise Grinstead 2012

 
“What matters supremely, therefore, is not in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it—the fact that he knows me. I am graven on the palms of his hands. I am never out of his mind. All my knowledge of him depends on his sustained initiative in knowing me. I know him because he first knew me, and continues to know me. He knows me as a friend, one who loves me, and there is no moment when his eye is off me, or his attention distracted from me, and no moment, therefore, when his care falters. This is momentous knowledge. There is unspeakable comfort—the sort of comfort that energizes, be it said, not enervates—in knowing that God is constantly taking knowledge of me in love and watching over me for my good. There is tremendous relief in knowing that his love to me is utterly realistic, based at every point on prior knowledge of the worst about me, so that no discovery now can disillusion him about me, in the way I am so often disillusioned about myself, and quench his determination to bless me.” –JI Packer

In the first few months of living in NYC, there was a lot of listening. I feel these past few months have been more full of talking/responding. These past few months have been full of looking to abide in the Lord, resting when He allows, praying prompted or not, and moving forward in faith as He calls and leads. If the resounding lesson had to be wrapped up in one statement, it would be “I trust You. There is never any reason to doubt You to be any less than who You are. I know You.”

Yes, I know the Lord, and praise Him that I do. Praise Him that by His grace and strength, I may leave the elementary teachings of the Lord and move on toward maturity (Hebrews 6). Yet, in all the attempts to defy the culture’s manner of seeking to know and gratify the self, still it trickles in.

“I know the Lord.” And, I seek to understand myself better through the Lord’s eyes. It all sounds good—and even right—yet I am missing the deeper point to reach. It should not start with I or me. It should start with Him. My perception is so limited. Why should I start with myself and seek feebly to grow it? Why do I not start with Him who knows me and seek Him first instead? Out of that pursuit, I can trust Him to reveal what He will and what He deems worthy for me to know. I can trust the discernment given by the Holy Spirit in my words, actions, and thoughts. As I seek Him first and abide in Him, it is there full life is found, a fount never running dry. My thoughts and life should start and end with Him as the source.

Too, in my relationships, it should not be about what I think I know of this person or what I assume. It should be about seeking the Lord’s wisdom and revelation of who He sees this person to be. My perception is so limited. Why should I start with myself and seek to understand out of me? Why do I not start with Him who knows others and seek Him for understanding first instead? Out of that pursuit, I can trust Him to reveal what He will about that person and what He deems worthy for me to know. I can trust the discernment given by the Holy Spirit in my words, actions, and thoughts about that person. As I seek Him first and abide in Him, it is there fullness of relationships as they are designed to be are found, driven by the One who knows us both fully. My relationships in my life should start and end with Him as the source.

“Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says?” -Oswald Chambers

I pray that I would seek to listen and then respond. It is this stage of growing into maturity that I must grow more consistent in. This relationship with the Lord is not just a recitation back to Him of what I know Him to be. He is unchanging. My faith can always rest secure in Him. I am the sinner. I am the one always changing. This relationship with the Lord is dynamic in that He desires to refine me, shape me, lead me, teach me. If I only speak and not listen, I am a broken record, never moving onto further depth.

Yes, I know the Lord, and praise Him that I do. But now, let me seek to listen, to hear, to be willing to let this concept I have of self be changed according to His measure—whether it be small or great. He knows me. In his book all my days are written, every single one of them (Psalm 139:16). As I seek to truly hear Him, then may my response come after I have heard what He says, not before. If he chooses to be quiet, then too, in His quietness I may trust (Isaiah 30:15).