Trust and Hope.

Trust and Hope.

I’ve always known that these are related, but I think in my life, I have placed a distinction between the two. I would think about trust, and I would think about hope. The definitions in my mind have always been slightly different from one another. Up until recently, I haven’t recognized that this is perhaps a problem.

Last week, I was offered and I accepted a full-time job as an Advertising/Promotions Associate at HarperCollins Publishers in Manhattan. The significance of this is still sinking in. Over a year ago, John and I started praying about a possible move to NYC. In those prayers of asking God what types of things I should pursue, he laid book publishing on my heart. I believe He laid it on my heart as a step into a call I believe I will eventually be doing one day: writing a book. I don’t really know all the steps in between here and there, but I know that God is in the process, and I must be faithful to it.

Back in late May/early June, I remember setting my mind upon this belief: book publishing is a field nearly impossible to get into. I had applied for numerous book publishing positions at different publishers over this last year when we were in Colorado, and I heard absolutely nothing back on any of them. When June rolled around and I knew that we would be moving to NYC the following month, I looked around again. I found a few positions listed and saved them, but didn’t do anything about it at the time. I didn’t really feel like it was worth it. We spent much of June on the road, including our trip out here to find an apartment. On the last day that we were visiting and had a signed lease and address in our hands, I decided to look again in book publishing and see what might be out there. I felt about the same level of enthusiasm as I had earlier that month, but I did find one position that I thought could be a good fit from the position description. I filled out the application in our hotel room, and it was the briefest application out of all the others. It didn’t even ask for a cover letter, something I had spent much time laboring over with the other positions. I clicked submit and left it with the thought of “well, at least I’m trying, and we’ll see if anything happens, though I doubt it.”

It is funny even reading these words I write now to really remember what I was thinking. In my mind, I have trusted the Lord. I know He is faithful to provide and knows my and John’s needs. I have seen Him do it over and over again, and I know I need not doubt Him in this new season. When I was offered this job, I wasn’t surprised. I know it is within God’s character to do so and that He could make a way where there seemed to be no way.

But in the process, I recognize that I have reserved hope.

My first interview at HarperCollins went well. I first met with the HR director, and then with who will be my supervisor. I left the interview feeling good about it, but told myself to not get overconfident, or to basically hope too much. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment, especially since it was my first interview, and it was still the first week John and I were living in the city. I knew that things could happen quickly, but thought it better not to outrightly hope for it, just in case. So, I went onward from there looking and applying for more jobs while waiting to hear back from HarperCollins within the week with their decision. “It is the smart thing to do,” I told myself, though deep down inside I had my doubts about it, feeling as if I wasn’t being entirely obedient or honoring to God. Four business days passed since my interview, and I had applied for about 8 jobs at that point. In that process too, doors that were once open closed rather dramatically, specifically with a creative staffing agency I had been in contact with. I knew, deep down that God was working in this situation and making the way clear, but still, I reserved hope until I would hear from them.

Then, Thursday came. I woke up that morning not feeling well at all and with a strong conviction/desire to not apply for any jobs that day. I think God used the sickness to render me listless to do so, because He knows how determined I am to do things when I set my mind to do so. So, the whole day, I didn’t really do anything at all. At about 4 p.m. that afternoon, I received an email from the HR director asking me to come back for a final interview. That wasn’t what I was expecting, but it was progress and I was thankful. It was set up for the following morning.

We went to a prayer gathering at our new church that evening, and there was time to sit still before the Lord individually and pray about certain topics introduced by the elders. One was jobs. As I sat before the Lord, I was honest with Him. I told Him that I was hesitant to hope as I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment. In that moment though, I knew it was wrong. I knew I needed to present my requests before Him as I desire them, and to trust Him with them. So, I asked Him for this job. I told Him I recognized He had been making a way with this position and into this field, something He laid on my heart long ago and something that I wrote off as being too “impossible.” I asked Him to help me hope and trust that this position is where I am supposed to be, and that the interview the next day would only further that.

And in those prayers, I recognized that it was my heart that has been guarded. My heart, with where I would credit to be the place where hope is born and preserved. As I prayed those prayers, the guards of my heart resisted to come down because I didn’t want to be disappointed. And I wondered how I got here. I wondered, why am I guarding my heart from the One who has created it, the One who has crafted the desires He places within it, and the One who knows it and holds it far better than I can? Why do I feel the need to guard it from its safekeeper? In reality, all I am doing is preventing myself from fully accepting what He has already set into motion and is doing.

And in that time, I knew the reason for the second interview rather than a definite answer about the position. Here was another chance to not only trust, but to hope in the Lord with this job and field. That meant that I needed to heed His leading and requests, to trust and hope that the way He was creating is where I am meant to go. I failed the first time through. Yet His grace offered me another chance.

The interview was the following morning, and I was greeted and escorted by the person who I last interviewed with. She was very happy to see me, and that was reassuring. I interviewed with the director of my department, and it was wonderful. It was like sitting in a beloved professor’s office where conversation flowed easily and well. We talked about things I could do with HarperCollins and their department. We talked about different accommodations that would be needed in the workplace with my hearing loss. We talked through a lot of different things, and when we left, I told her and the person I interviewed with the time before, “See you soon,” as that rolled off my tongue uncontrollably. As I left, I cringed inside for saying that because I thought I would come off as presumptuous, but it had already been done. Yet, inside I knew that things had gone very well, and that there was even more reason to hope and trust for this position, with which I was to wait another week to hear the final decision on.

I didn’t apply for any more jobs. I allowed my logic to be overplayed by the aim of attempting to trust and hope in the way the Lord appeared to be making. So, the week was quiet until Wednesday, when I got an email from the HR director saying he would be reaching out to me the next day about the position. I knew that was a good sign, so I thanked the Lord. The following morning, I received the offer letter for the position, and accepted a few hours later. The job search was done. God was faithful, as always. But the process of reconciling hope and trust is just beginning.

This morning, I started looking at the Greek to see what the root for hope and trust are, and if they are two separate words or one. I looked at several verses, but these two key ones came forth:

“For we are saved by hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for what a man sees, why does he hope for it? But if we hope for what we do not yet see, then we wait with patience for it.” Romans 8:24-25

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen.” Hebrews 11:1

The word “hope” in this context comes from the Greek word Elpizo, a verb, which means, and directly translates into TRUST, and is defined as:
     1. to hope
     a. in a religious sense, to wait for salvation with joy and full confidence
     2. hopefully to trust in

These are not meant to be two different concepts. I am not to divide trust to be with my mind and hope to be with my heart. If I am doing that, then I am missing both altogether, as they are one. I need to “trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding.” I need to have “faith as the assurance of things hoped for.”

I need not reserve an emotional response (what I have been defining as hope), for if I am doing that, I am also reserving trust. The Lord is the Lord of my heart, my soul, my mind, and my spirit. Though different parts, they are meant to operate as one entity, and I am meant to love the Lord as one entity. I am meant to trust and hope with the Lord as one entity. I need not guard my heart against the One who already holds it.

As Paul writes to the Corinthians, “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return (I speak as to children) widen your hearts also.” 2 Corinthians 6:11-13.

And in conclusion, I feel the Lord speaking this also directly to me this morning:

“I have spoken freely to you, Elise, and my heart is wide open. You are not restricted by me, but you are restricted in your own affections. In return, I ask you to widen your heart.”