Stretching of the Heart

“The Lord spoke thus to me with a strong hand . . .” (Isaiah 8:11). There is no escape when our Lord speaks. He always comes using His authority and taking hold of our understanding. Has the voice of God come to you directly? If it has, you cannot mistake the intimate insistence with which it has spoken to you. God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances.” –Oswald Chambers, January 29th, My Utmost for His Highest

Over this last week, my heart has felt more stretched than it has in a while. It is full of emotion, dreams, love, passion, and longing. A lot of this stretching is due to the circumstances God has me in currently, and He knows this is the language I know best.

He has provided with a full-time job currently, with the Denver Broncos/Invesco Field. I am currently commuting up to Denver, which is 45 minutes to an hour away depending on where I start. I am doing things I enjoy and love, in an environment that is conducive to who I am: “In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent.” There is a lot of trust of me even after just a couple of weeks. It is certainly provisional.

Before this job came through, John and I were praying about possibly moving to NYC by May. We still do feel the Lord’s leading in going there, and He continues to confirm it through small circumstances. On my first day of work, I was excited, but also feeling a little bad with the thought that I may not be at this job very long. My supervisor told me on the first day that I wouldn’t be working the 0-10 hours a week as was mentioned in the interview, but rather 40 hours a week if I was able. I will be doing that through March, until come April, when all part-time hours are to be cut completely due to the NFL Lockdown. I was and am amazed at how clear such an answer can be by the Lord. On the first day, He is providing with quadruple the hours (for the purpose of saving and working), and that was to be cut in April, to be reinstated in May to some degree. The Lord surely seems to have spoken through circumstance there.

A week after I started, John went up to Fort Collins to visit Kate and Chris (sister and bro-in-law) who are in the process of buying their first home. This home needs work to become what they wish it to be, and John has those gifts and talents of doing so. Chris would be doing the work over the summer time, and John was thinking it could be very good for us to move up there temporarily and help them out with that, spend time with them, and put off New York for a couple more months, unless a job offer comes through there first. That also seemed to be the Lord speaking through circumstance. Perhaps we are to stay here a little bit longer than May. The time with Kate and Chris would be wonderful. One of our best friends, Kyle Fletcher, will be in Fort Collins this summer for staff training. We would be able to spend more time in SLO in the middle of June for Landon’s wedding, which John is the best man of. If we don’t have anything concrete for New York yet at that point, then why wouldn’t we do this?

In these possible realities though, I feel my heart stretching a bit. I told John the other night that I feel more in limbo than ever. I am now working a full-time job, which is something I didn’t think would happen until we moved someplace else. Yet, we are now stretched between four different places. Castle Rock (where John’s parents are and we live part of the time), Colorado Springs (where my parents are and we live part of the time), New York (where we are trying to get jobs and eventually live), and now Fort Collins with the possibility of living up there for a bit to help out Kate and Chris with their new house. I am also investing 40 hours of the week with work in Denver. I am trying to invest in each of these places right now, because I believe that’s where and what God has me to do. It is a little bit tiring and depleting though. I don’t feel like John and I have our home, but rather a home in each of these places where we can lay our head for a bit. I want a home for John and I. I want to nest and establish our lives somewhere. It feels it has been a long time coming.

This is magnified even more this weekend when John and I are home alone together while his parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary in the Bahamas. We have four days alone together, which has only happened once since we have been here in Colorado for the last 6 months. I can’t express how my heart has been over these last couple of days…it is so incredibly full and overflowing with love and thankfulness for John and the fact that we are married. We are having a chance to cleave to one another independently from our families for a few days. I didn’t realize just how significant being here has hindered that from happening, because I do enjoy our families and they are blessings. But, they also have to be taken into consideration all the time when you are living with them. Though I will miss them much when we do leave, I am ready to resume what John and I somewhat started when we were in SLO for a month after we were married. I am ready to start “our” family in the context of just the two of us.

I am heartsick for a home. On Friday, I sat in the Denver Broncos stadium having lunch, and it was just the most glorious, sun-filled, warm day. It struck a chord with me in remembering that’s the kind of weather and life we had in SLO. I miss it so much. I miss it for the place it is, the people it has, and the life God gave us there. I find myself longing for it almost every day. I know it is the only home I’ve experienced on my own away from my childhood, and so there is that sentimentality attached to it. I’ve asked myself if I would be missing SLO as much if we establish a home somewhere else. I know I will always miss it to some level, but I think not as much as I am now.

So, my heart is stretched in God’s speaking through circumstances. Yet, in all of these possible realities and others that I do not know of yet, I see Him. I see His hand and provision in all of them. I am so thankful for that. My heart just does not yet know how to handle it completely. I hold fast to the fact that He will lead and He is leading us. I have no question in my mind about it. I just wonder how and when, for the reasons of anticipation and also fatigue in living so fully moment-to-moment without any planning.

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him-to give God “elbow room.” We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected Him to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly—God meets our life “. . . when it pleased God . . . .” Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.” –Oswald Chambers, January 25, 2011, My Utmost for His Highest

I do want to know what will happen next and when, but that is not what God has in these circumstances. He wants me to continue to listen. He wants me to give Him elbow room to allow Him to come in as He decides. I imagine the realities that I mentioned as possibilities today still will not happen in the way I might expect them to or at all. He will continue to work.