I'm taking in the immensity of the moment
These are two words I will probably remember forever.
They are associated with two pretty special things that happened last Tuesday.
John and I celebrated our three-year anniversary and at the end of that day, he decided to propose to me.
“But first” came right after the ring box came out, and before I opened it, John said it because he gave me my (and our) first kiss.
He had promised long ago that he would kiss me before we were engaged, and he made good on that promise.
The whole day and especially that evening was glorious, and I will remember it forever.
However, I write now because I am coming to see just how significant the statement “but first” is and has been in our relationship and lives.
I wrote about two months ago about the season of “but not yet” which came at the end of waiting. I find it interesting this season begins with the statement of “but first,” symbolizing the end of waiting in so many ways.
And as the end of waiting has come, I’ve seen God reveal so many beautiful things that only the waiting season could’ve brought…
I wrote a year ago this time:
Hebrews 6 talks about the progress of moving from an elementary to mature faith. We are to remember the doctrine we have been taught, and the goodness of God which we have tasted thus far, and yet still press on. It refers to promises such as those that God promised to Abraham, and what it means to inherit those. We are to be sure of better things (vs 9) and be earnest in holding fast and fully to the hope we have until the end (vs 11), because then we are imitators of those who have come before and inherited the promises God has spoken. We are to be like Abraham and patiently wait for said promises. We are to have faith, not in something as finite as ourselves and the works of our feeble hands, but in Someone infinite. Someone greater than ourselves (vs 16). We so often want confirmation for what we hope for. Often times we wait and hope without seeing tangible fruit of said thing, but in His own promises, God gives us an oath sworn by his unchangeable self, that we may hold fast to the hope we have before us (vs 17-18). The oath that God has sworn by Himself is the surest and most steadfast anchor, as Jesus is the One binding the Covenant between ourselves and God. He is the forerunner on our behalf, our priest in the inner courts (vs 19-20), and through salvation in Him, we are able to receive all the Father has promised.Two days before we were engaged, I was reflecting on this verse in Ecclesiastes.
It is amazing in how appropriate it was, though at the time it frustrated me a bit.
God is so thorough in all his reminders:
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him. Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death. As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it” (Ecc 8:5-8). Two days before we were engaged, in trying to remain content in the waiting especially with having John back, God brought me to this prayer:
Lord, the peace that was so abounding in the time John and I were apart…I ask that I find it even more abounding now. I need that incredibly so. That I may rest in You until our time comes, finding joy and peace in the meantime, and rejoicing when the waiting does come to an end. You will sustain, my Lord. You have and continue to, and will continue to carry me through now. It has been a long time of resting in the Lord and His timing, learning to grow content in waiting.
In that time, God has taught me and I have slowly learned what it is to find joy and peace in the meantime.
And as a result, now I rejoice and am humbly thankful that waiting, at least in one degree, has come to an end.
God has revealed beautiful things and truth.
He has shown Himself incredibly faithful and good in the waiting…a waiting that seems to have the theme of “but first.”
“But first…”
learn patience.
John and I started dating three years ago, and have known each other very well for four.
We knew from the beginning that we had to wait until we graduated to get married due to our parent’s wishes.
At the beginning, four years of waiting appeared very daunting.
In the process, it has seemed incredibly long at times.
Due to the necessity of pacing things, things have moved very slowly in many ways.
It has been a process I have wrestled with tremendously at times because I tend to be a person concerned with forward-moving progress in life.
It hasn’t been just in my relationship with John but also in other areas where the necessity of learning patience has been key.
I needed to embrace the heart of Abraham, patiently waiting for said promises, and have the faith that God would fulfill in His own timing.
Yet, “
better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” (Ecc. 7:8). Better is the waiting for it develops character in which fruit of the spirit is displayed; one of which being patience.
“But first…”
choose holiness. “ For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor... For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness” (1 Thess 4:3-4, 7).
God has put it on our hearts since the beginning of dating the priority of holiness.
It has been a difficult path to constantly choose God’s ways and not the world’s example in our relationship,
seeking out first Him and the priority of holiness in all that we did and do.
In the areas where we have failed in that, God has carried and sustained.
I know for me personally, there were so many times where I wanted more from our relationship than what was being manifested at the time, whether that be in the time we spent together, the type of time, physical touch, promises for the future, etc.
There were a lot of choices made and lots of circumstances dictated by God to prevent that.
In many ways over the last four years, we led very individual lives, each doing our own thing in school, ministry, friends, etc.
It was hard to “date” and not do it by the world’s standards, which typically involves exclusivity in many different ways.
Yet, the time was used by God to refine us individually for Him and for one another, that we may bear more fruit together than apart.
There were different things God had in our lives for each of us to do and
especially to learn, and God cares far more about our holiness and relationship with Him above all else.
By the blessing of God, John and I dated over these last three years to constantly spur and push one another on towards Christ, while growing in our understanding and love for one another.
John, by the grace and power of God, has been an incredibly faithful leader in seeking out the priority of holiness, and I am so thankful for it. It has been an incredible blessing now to see the foundation that the priority of holiness has laid for the beginning of the rest of our lives together: God has done things in this pursuit that we never could’ve done ourselves.
It is a blessing to now run forward together, with no baggage of the past as redeemed by the Lord, and trusting in His promise for the present and future.
“But first…”
walk blindly by faith.
Over the course of our relationship, there have been many times of fog on both of our parts.
This fog changed our perception of the way things truly were/are, causing disorientation and making it difficult to press onward.
There have been times when each of us has been stripped of joy, battling to gain hope while the other was left somewhat in the “wake” of it, the only thing he/she could do was to pray.
There have been times where our communication broke down and we were missing each other’s meanings and hearts left and right, whether it be by difficulty of listening or by speaking.
There was a time where we were brought to the breaking point of our relationship.
There have been times over and over again where we didn’t have the answers that we hoped we could have.
In all of these times, God had us to walk blindly by faith.
John and I had to hold fast to the fact that He had given us the blessing of the relationship and desired it in both of our lives, even when it was incredibly difficult.
In these times, we had to press onward in the fog that disoriented our perception and trust that it would one day lift.
Now, the fog that has existed in the past has cleared fully, and it is breathtakingly beautiful…it is incredibly humbling to see what has always been growing and developing behind the veil of the past.
It is incredibly humbling to see God to be who He says He is: the same in the past (yesterday), present (today), and future (Hebrews 13:8).
“But first…”
Steadfastly trust.
In any aspect of life, there is a necessity to steadfastly trust the Lord’s will, character, and dealings in all things.
A relationship involving two people magnifies this fact.
There is the aspect of trusting that being patient is worth it, choosing holiness is of utmost importance, and that walking blindly by faith will carry one through.
Yet, there is another aspect altogether of what it is to steadfastly trust the Lord with one’s own heart…so often we as human beings give our hearts prematurely to someone or something that is unable to carry it, when in that time it needs to reside fully in the Lord.
I am guilty of this.
When I first started dating John, I really gave him my whole heart and emotional self in many ways, and it led to difficulty down the road.
Emotion, pain, and difficulty was attributed to him or to our relationship rather than to the fact my heart was not where it should’ve been residing.
I did not “guard my heart above all else” and “treat it as the wellspring of life.”
I gave my heart fully and fast.
I expected things of John long before they ever had the potential of coming to be, and my heart suffered as a result.
There has been a healing process on my part in the last year of our relationship to learn to put my heart in the Lord first and foremost.
This allows John to pursue it, the Lord to care for and nurture it.
Part of the healing process has been learning to one, steadfastly trust the Lord in that He knows what is best for my heart, and two, trusting John as he pursues my heart, understanding that the Lord is equipping him to do so.
I have taken an attitude of skepticism in the past with John in an effort to guard my heart.
That is something that is just very recently beginning to be remedied.
In all of the questions I have asked of John and of God in the course of our relationship, it has come back to a lack of trusting so many times.
Two nights before John and I got engaged, I finally did not ask the same questions for the first time.
Our engagement has brought much light on these questions, and I have been incredibly humbled to see the Lord’s hand in each and every one of those.
There was no need for me to fear or worry; just a need for me to steadfastly trust.
“But first…”
Contentedly wait.
This in many ways is a combination of all of the things described above.
The verse of Habakkuk 2:3 describes it well: “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.”
In retrospect after three years of dating waiting on engagement, the times that seemed so long then do not now.
It has had its appointed time.
Just having 9 months until we get married seems pretty fast compared to the rest of it.
God has brought it about faithfully.
In all things difficult to wait on, when we are stuck in the meantime, it is good for the flesh to surrender to the Spirit and learn how to contentedly wait.
“But
now…”
Delightfully rejoice. What I rejoice in the most right now, at this time of engagement and looking back at our relationship, is that God has revealed Himself in such great and amazing ways.
I delightfully rejoice that the Lord of my heart, found it good to give it to another in John.
I delightfully rejoice that we may be one under His covenant of marriage.
I delightfully rejoice in what this beginning will bring in teaching us of the beautiful picture of Christ and His bride.
I delightfully rejoice in knowing that as we have seen God’s faithfulness, provision, and hand in the past, so we will in the present and future.
With the ring I have received from John as a symbol and God’s giving of me to a man surrendered to and following after Him, I pray that may it remain His alone to use, have, and hold.
And with this, I desire to offer the blessing I have received back to the Giver of it.
I am greatly humbled.
